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G'day mate.

I'm Halfdan - and I watch hell of a damn lot of movies - sometimes drunk - and then sometimes while rambling throughout the movie.

I bring you my drunken ramblings of movie-watching. Pick a movie through the menu and see whatever nonsense that crossed my mind while watching it.

   - @Reschat (https://redacted.work/reschat)

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Watching 17 Again and Rambling
The other day (yesterday?) I watched a 17-minute YouTube video about why the movie 17 Again (2009) is Thomas "TomSka" Ridgewell's favorite movie of all time (http://youtu.be/Jt_2JwvzYA4). Why? Heck, I don't know; but it did made me realize that I really should get around to actually watching 17 Again - and that's exactly what I'm going to do right now; though not without writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

Here we go...

- - -

That looks like an abandoned school.

Intro with a shirtless Zac Efron making hoop after hoop after hoop?

Okay, this movie goes right for the throat plot with it's first lines of dialogue pretty much setting up a big part of the plot.

Second part of dialogue explains how Zac is a good guy, looking out for the little guy.

To be honest the tempo of this movie is too fast for me to write down my rambling thoughts (or I just got too caught up by it and had to rewind a few minutes to remember to write something).

That is one wicked cheerleader scene - with Zac joining in for no reason at all - knowing all the moves.

This feels extremely over acted. Is that on purpose?

Zac's girlfriend there - is that, what-her-face, from that short run TV series with Matthew Perry?
(Yes it was! Allison Miller in house!)

Come on, Zac. Can't you see she's nervous about talking with you about something serious? Stop with the jokes.

Oh. You stopped with the jokes and asked her honestly if she's okay. Huh. I didn't see that moment of sincerity coming.

Wow. A gigantic shift just happened. What is going on? (Well, I know due to the YouTube video - but let's pretend I don't know any spoilers.)

This is his big decision - the Sport or the girl.

Oh, she's pregnant - and he's referring to the child as his "future". That's upfront dedication from a teenage athlete.

Wow, that's one beautifully shot hallway scene.

Fast forward, eh, 30 years? What's the age difference between Zac Efron and Matthew Perry again?

Cool, he's still good friends with that small Nerd - who now has elf ears for some reason.

Perry definitely thinks he is going to get a promotion. Everyone can see a mile away that's not happening.

Bluetooth Earpiece Douchebag is really damn annoying.

Is TGI Fridays a place you can go to? Also, chanting anything IN AN ELEVATOR is never a good idea.

Ooh, the magic janitor.

Score, endless zooming, and dialogue are all pointing at this being the pissing in the magical fountain freaky Friday situation.

What, he has an daughter? Who’s Buffy's Sister?

That's some serious next level sass from Buffy's Sister.

Hell yeah! Leslie Mann!!!

Leslie is looking badass carrying that tree.

Aww, Leslie is sad, so I'm so sad too.

Possed car radio in a thunderstorm?

This is so bad CGI I wouldn't exactly know what it was supposed to be if the spoiler YouTube video hadn't explained it.

Oh, wow, big surprise. He turned into his 17-year old self.

Nerd has an axe?

Is Nerd dead?

Nope. And now he has a sword.

This is way more action-packed than I expected.

Lightsaber fight!!!

And they even reenact actual scenes from Star Wars™.

"It appears in the literature" <makes gesture towards piles and piles of comic books> Perfection!

Everything here is extremely straightforward and they even takes the time to explain what's going on out loud, in case there were any confusion.

So he's supposed to relieve his youth?

How is Nerd playing three video games at once?

This is kinda like Never Been Kissed mixed with Big.

What kind of teenager has a barb wire neck tattoo? (You know the answer.)

Instead of typical romantic music doing a "love at first sight"-scene, Nerd has some Lord of the Rings type music playing instead. I like it.

Where do I know this principal from?

Calling your "son" a bastard in order to imply that you're single is kinda weird.

Nerd was extremely creepy there. What kinda man asks, out of the blue, if he can smell a woman's hair?

Wait, wait, wait. Is that the actress from that one movie, which I can't think of now, but somehow still kinda maybe still remembers?

Zac definitely doesn't know how to wear a cap.

Shopping montage?

Sigh. It just skipped to the result of the shopping montage.

Wait, now Zac looks exactly like he did in High School Musical. Not really a look that demands a second glance.

How does he not know how to answer a phone?

I think that girl just made a sex-joke - but I didn't understand it. Shit, I’m old.

Oh, it's only been 20 years (not 30). Wait, so why is his 20-year-old daughter in high school? And in the same class as his fake ass 17-year-old self?

So the coach hasn't aged a day in 20 years? Is he some kind of god? Eh, this is not even top 20 of most unbelievable parts of this movie.

This is next level bullying. How is still not illegal?

Zac's fake story about how nobody knows him is apparently extremely believable for the only reason that his “dad” is a damn creepy nerd.

Barb Wire Neck-Tattoo Guy looks like a dehydrated undead zombie meth-addict on bath salts.

Oh, no (yes?). A public duel of egos in the middle of the cafeteria.

This movie makes it look like the experience/ego of an older man can outwit a teenager at any time. Or at least if it's Matthew Perry's mind in Zac Efron's body.

Is he some kind of ballet dancer? I mean that in a complementary way.

That is the most disgusting sandwich ever. Heck, anchovies would be an improvement.

Hoop after hoop after hoop. Like father like son.

Leslie is back. Will she recognize Zac? Come on, she's been together with him for 20 years - she should be able to recognize him (even Nerd did so).

Yes! She does see the resemblance - and reacts by completely inappropriately (if he had been a normal teenager) touching and squeezing his face. This is amazing!

"You're not allowed to smell teenagers" says the one nearly 40-year-old woman to the other.

This scene might have been kinda creepy if it hadn't been Leslie Mann. Now it is just adorable and hilarious.

Wait; has Leslie Mann ever won an Oscar? Because she should've.

Girl who was just a second ago visibly turned on by Zac is now visibly repulsed by him. What happened? He made a plead for everyone to be sexual abstinent. Girl, your reaction is very much appropriate.

I know this scene might seem way unrealistic to many. A guy stand up in class and makes a speech about how he believes sex should be saved for marriage for creating life, while all the teenagers scoff at him. Though, since Zac is an old man on the inside, this is just another adult man lecturing teenagers about how "sex is bad" - and I kinda fully believe that this scene is a realistic representation of what an US father would say to a sex-ed class his daughter is in. This is truly the kinda "confidence" (or arrogance) an adult man has when talking to teenagers.

Why are all the girls (and guys?) swooning over his speech about not having sex?

Oh, just two guys having a skafoffle (spell?) on top of a pile of condoms. Normal US high school stuff.

Nerd, what the fuck are you wearing? (I tried to explain his look - but I just can't. It's too much of everything.)

Oh, he's peacocking.

Okay, that was the first time I've ever seen someone sit down in such an extravagant fashion that they managed do present their backside on silver platter, before finally hitting the chair.

If Leslie got together with Zac in this movie, it would, plot wise, actually be pretty darn okay, since she has been with him before (when she was the same age) and kinda still is married to him. So, I'm all for Leslie getting a piece of this.

Montage of Zac getting along with Leslie and their son. I like this. Now, where's the him getting along with his daughter part?

Wow. Leslie can really make a beautiful (though maybe a bit extravagant) garden.

Oh. I'm suddenly really feeling the Zac and Leslie connection. She deserves to be happy - and he seems to make her.

I really dig the aspect of this movie where Zac isn't interested in any of the teenage girls; he only have eyes for Leslie.

Zac is really nailing the Matthew Perry mannerisms.

Again with this girl who for some reason makes octopuses jump to my mind when I see her. What the hell is up with that? Where do I know her from? WTF is up with my memory here?

Finally - Zac is trying to talk with his daughter about her getting dump Barb Wire Neck-Tattoo Guy. Of course it didn't go well - but at least he tried.

Wait. Leslie wasn't been back to her kids' school in 20 years? That... that makes no sense.

Something seems very deliberate about what Zac is doing in this out-of-nowhere sports game. What is he up to?

Oh, I think he might be trying to set up his son to become the hero of the game.

Yep. Yep. Yep. That’s exactly what happened.

Nerd, this is harassment - not romantic courting (wait, is that even a word?).

This movie is kinda succeeding in making me see Matthew Perry when Zac Efron is on screen.

Ah, shit. Now Zac's daughter is way too into him (since she doesn't know he is her father).

Nerd - you act way, way, way, way, way too douchey. That's not something anyone wants. Stop it!

Ah, for fuck's sake. How is knowing that Gandalf the Grey returns as Gandalf the White suddenly perceived as niece knowledge? How is this the crowning moment of the Principal-v-Nerd romance? Sigh times a million.

What made that scene even worse was that the music was only kinda almost slightly similar to Howard Shore's original and brilliant score; it is kinda a disgrace to attempt to relate that to this horseshit.

Ew. She is... ew... while carashing his... ew... For fuck sake, this is father and daughter.

Phew. She backed off the second she thought he was gay. Wait, he clearly wasn't into it - why didn't persist so intensely?

Okay, so the nerd-off apparently included speaking elvis - which is fair to say isn't something most people know. So at least they had that in common.

Ooooh! Leslie is at Zac's teenage party. This is going to be interesting.

Pause. This is just fucking ridiculous. This movie is attempting to make the viewer believe that Nerd got the new Halo game SIX MONTHS (!!!) before release-date? Sigh. Do they even know what the software release cycle is like for anything, let alone a Microsoft game production? This is the most unrealistic part of this movie!

She whistled so loud the music stopped?

Leslie Mann is still utterly amazing and the best thing about this movie.

Women and girls lining up to slap Zac Efron in the face. Psthst.

Wait, that wasn't a fake slap. Zac Efron was for real just slapped in the face multiple times. Since I think I think he fully agreed to it - I do approve of this and fully aspire to experience this myself.

Nerd is a douche. I do not like him. He doesn't do this extravaganza due to him wanting to help his friend - he does it because he thinks its cool to do.

Oh, this is kinda interesting - and the way it is presented is kinda perfect.

Why is Zac Efron such a great actor? This scene is ridiculous, but stil... :'-(

Awww, this is utterly heartbreaking and perfectly acted - with even "The Greatest" by Cat Power playing. This is exactly how a ridiculous movie can turn into something that pulls at my heartstrings.

Wait, I've seen this before. Isn't this a repeat of the opening scene?

The daughter is really not getting any redeeming characteristics in this movie, is she.

Shit. Again with this nerd shit. No, this is not romantic - it is just weird and creepy.

OH!!! LESLIE KNOWS!!!

Shit, shit, shit. This is the exact same scene, all over again - and that is exactly what makes it perfect.

Aw, back to this beautifully shot scene again.

Awww, Perry professing his love for Leslie. I love this.

DAMN!!! Leslie grabbing and squeezing Perry's face (again) is even better.

"The End". Wait. What?

Post-credit scene is a giant pun. Yep, I love it.

Heck, this was a pretty amazing movie. Huh. Yea. I think I actually really liked it.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2018-03-09)

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night and I Ramble
Today I stumbled upon another movie that I have on my "I need to watch this" movie list. The movie is A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) and I seriously don't remember what it is. Anyway, I'll watch it and while doing so I'm going to write down my rambling streams of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - -

I am ready... for whatever this is - even though I can't remember why I put this movie on my "I need to watch this" list in the first place.

Very retro like production company logos.

Black and white?

What? Did that guy, who looks like the main guy from Grease, just steal a cat?

French(ish) music? Is this some kind of film noir?

WHAT?!? Casual mass body dump site.

Wait, it is not in English? Good thing there's subtitles.

I don't even know what language this is. Arabic perhaps?

Ranjit (taxi driver from How I Met Your Mother)? Is that you?

Dude, you are using the wrong kind of gardening tool for that task. You tool

I still can't get a hold of what kind of movie this is.

Woman from The Blacklist?

Ooh, something possibly supernatural. Was that the girl that the title is referring to?

Now what?

Wait, is this going where I think it is going?

What? I was kind of expecting that, but I still got a shock.

Second time tonight?

Argh! That ended differently than the first time.

I now know why I added this movie to my list. BOOM!!! BADASS MUSLIM VAMPIRE GIRL!!!

This movie has a very different atmosphere to it.

I'm half an hour into the movie and I still have no idea what direction the story is going.

Again with the casual mass body dump site. What is up with that?

This is like a mix between western, film noir, and something from the mind of a sane, but slightly high, Quentin Tarantino.

That is a fucking awesome silhouette.

Grown ass man runs away scared from little girl.

Her passiveness is scaring me a bit too.

Holy fuck. Scary, scary girl.

Skateboarding Muslim vampire girl. Okay.

Those are some fucking huge ass sideburns.

Cool costume party.

Hehe. He dressed up as Dracula.

Oohh. This is going to be an interesting encounter.

What did the skateboarding Muslim vampire girl say to the high on drugs guy dressed as Dracula?

"Bad City" :-P

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you" said the fake vampire to the real vampire.

Aww. A hug. That's kind of cute.

This is like Garden State: The Muslim Vampire Film Noir Version. Yes, I think that is the perfect description.

So simple, so amazing.

Less is more - and this movie knows it!

A heartbeat so loud my whole room is shaking.

A balloon! With a drag queen as a dance partner.

That was not very nice.

Interesting conversation between a hooker and a vampire. Curious movie indeed.

I'm not sure a hamburger is the way to a vampire's heart.

This is almost romantic. It is very sweet, at the very least.

Reminds me a little of Let the Right One In. Expect that movie actually made sense and was way more awesome.

Leave - but take the money, the drugs, and the cat with you. Ehh?

The cat? No.

Not exactly what I thought - but close. Bad man gets what is coming to him all the same.

I once thought vampires drank blood through their fangs in the same way as mosquitoes.

Oh shit. The cat! He knows now.

But does he mind?

That cat is fat. I never noticed until this moment.

He put on music. He doesn't mind.

And the Oscar for best supporting actors goes to... the cat! (For looking more confused than me watching this movie)

Movie over?

Movie over. I don't know how I feel about it. Not terrible - nowhere near great - slightly interesting.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-04-24)

Watching Adventures in Babysitting and Rambling
So, it's been along time since I've done one of these, but what better way to revisit the rambling movie watching game than with a Disney Channel Movie?
It is time for another around of my rambling streams of consciousness while watching a movie (and drinking). This time the movie is Adventures in Babysitting (2016).

Here we go...

- - -

Ooh, it's Maya from Girl Meets World. Awesome!

And it's even Maya (Sabrina Carpenter) who sings the title song. (Yes, I recognize the song - it is on my playlist.)

Damn! Maya almost ran over a guy.

"He wants to polish my tires." - Eh?

Uh. Main Girl (Maya) doesn't exactly have the best of intentions. Her current rival - let's call her Art Girl - does however seem like she actually is passionate about art.

And like that the premise for the movie is established and the wheels sat in motion (the "pling" sound effect even played).

Art Girl's car has a custom paint job and eye lashes. Not bad.

Dear 30ish year old cop guy: Don't flirt with the teenage girl. Please.

Side note: Why does all Disney Channel movies and series seem to have an older guy flirting with or put in romantic-ish scenes with a way younger girl? Yes, Girl Meets World also has this - but there the issue is very explicitly addressed and handled for what it is - which is way better than any other series/movie that have this creeping trope (which is too many, since this is the Disney Channel after all). Let's see how this babysitting movie handles itself in this regard.

Here are the kids being babysat. An older brat. A tiny chef. And a roller derby girl.

Who is this new family now?

Ah, those are the other family that the main girl had doubled booked her evening babysitting.

Wait, which family will Art Girl be babysitting and which will Main Girl?

Ah, Art Girl is babysitting Roller Derby Girl, Little Chef and Brat Boy.

That mother is pretentious.

I like the parents of family #2 way more than the parents of family #1.

The kids though... Well... Seemingly all awful.

Main Girl is really stressed about losing a kid. I guess she's not really overreacting that much.

I feel like I've seen this movie before. But I think it was Jonah Hill (or someone like him) who was the main girl or something.

Two babysitters go on an adventure in the big city, looking for the kid they lost.

This is getting more and more elaborate - in the Home Alone kind of way. I don't like it.

I like Main Girl more when she was Maya. This one is... ehh... something else.

That purple ferret reminds me of Gremlins.

Oh, and the purple ferret is on the loose.

How did one pothole make the entire car that dirty?

And those two guys suddenly became the two criminals from Home Alone. Sigh.

How are Brat Boy's friends that impressed by the fact that he has a babysitter? Oh, they think the babysitter is "hot".

Art Girl really knows how to blackmail a child.

Main Girl is way too controlling. Art Girl is way too reckless.

This is a bit too Home Alone for my taste. Where is the usual presumption channeling plot lines and heartfelt character exploration and development? This is not the Disney Channel TV-movies that I know and love.

It's Pinky and the Brain. Or actually - Reckless Pinky and Stuck-Up Pinky. No brain.

Oh, the princess dropped one of her shoes - and immediately went back and picked it up.

Sure, good idea to let the small girl be the first to attempt the daring escape route. /s

Even more Home Alone style antics. Sigh.

Whoever made this movie actually looked at Home Alone and thought that it was a good movie. Sigh.

Did that tiny Princess Girl just spray that sleeping drunk guy with perfume?

Main Girl is too stuck up. Let the kids express themselves - it doesn't hurt anyone.

Roller Derby Taylor Swift? Eh?

"Für Elise" is pronounced as "fur" - as in "furry"? What? No!

Aw. At least Main Girl was worried that Art Girl got hurt for a second there.

WHAT? How did Roller Derby Girl magically turn her shoes into roller skates? That is some kind of witchcraft right there.

A girl on roller skates, followed by a criminal on a bike, followed by a car full of kids, followed by another criminal - on foot.

Bad cable work resulting in awkward scene.

IS MAIN GIRL GOING TO FREESTYLE RAP?!?!?

Yes, please. Let Main Girl go all 8 Mile on them. Please.

This is bad. Oh...

A bit better... Still kind of weird.

This is not rapping. She is just talking into the microphone.

So bad. Still entertaining.

Art Girl is actually rapping though.

Art Girl vs Main Girl rap battle. Best scene so far.

WTF...? This is weird and probably really bad. Though, it is definitely entertaining.

Back to the normal movie. Bad writing. Sigh.

At least we're now getting a pretty decent scene with Main Girl encouraging and cheering up Goth Girl.

These kids are making way too elaborate plans for undoing a prank call.

Wait, Princess Girl actually stole diamonds from her mother?

Now they are trying to be a heist movie. Sigh.

Again with the elaborate schemes? Not endearing - just stupid.

Art Girl put on some fur and a tiara and suddenly became British (or something - I can't really tell what accent she is trying to do).

Did that criminal just call the purple ferret "a hundred grand"? Well, I kinda saw this coming - the ferret is a stolen "gem".

Sigh. Now Main Girl is freaking out about some guy. Come on! The two of them literally only had one scene together, less than 15 seconds in total, where they barely looked at each other or spoke. FFS! At least try to make it halfway possible for the audience to relate.

Princess Girl and Art Girl gives Main Girl a makeover. She looks different - but not better. She just looks like she's someone else. I don't think that's a good thing.

Wait, did that guy just accidentally sing "excuse me" as he tried to get past someone else. I like it.

Main Girl didn't learn an important life lesson by that? Sigh. That would at least have been something - but no.

Did Main Girl just rob a vehicle impoundment lot (what are those things called?)?

Cleanup sequence with everyone helping everyone. Expected. Boring.

They are really pushing it, trying to make this movie sentimental. Not working. :-/

Oh no. The old man cop going to hit on the teenage Art Girl again. No.

And the cop asked the teenager out. How is this okay?

Too much giggling. Not me - just everyone in that scene. They are really pushing the envelope, trying to be cute.

First actual feeling - speaking of me now. Art Girl and Main Girl see each other as friends now. I like this; I really do. :-)

The End...

And ending with credits with a sort of compilation of what happened. Not the least bit surprising.

That was some quick credits. I guess almost no one was involved in making this movie. I am not surprised. This was NOT a good movie. Disney Channel - you have disappointed me.

- - -

(Originally shared on Google+, 2016-07-28)

Watching Albion: The Enchanted Stallion and Rambling
It has been a long time since I last did a rambling stream of consciousness while watching a movie. Though this evening I started watching Albion: The Enchanted Stallion on Netflix and 5 minutes in I realized I was providing commentary out loud, even thought I'm alone, so why not just write it down and share it.

(First time, post-movie note: These ramblings contain spoilers. My ramblings usually don't, but for some reason I felt like giving a bit more context this time; I blame the champagne, as I usually drink beer when I watch-and-ramble.)

Starting the movie over - and here we go...

- - -

This is gonna be some low-budget fantasy flick with a "fantastic" story and less-than-fantastic quality, isn't it?

Heh, the intro titles even look like something made in Windows Movie Maker.

A Christmas movie? I didn't see that coming.

What? Even after she woke up she is still hearing horse sounds from her dream about a stallion.

Nice kid, taking care of her dad. I like her.

And here the father goes setting up the lore of the plot.

Wait, what is the difference between a stallion and a horse? Is there any?

Did she just insinuate that humans getting eaten by horses was a likely scenario?

Oh, she is the poor, kindhearted girl - and here come the spoiled rich kids. Figures.

I usually give the character names, since I keep forgetting their real names - wonder what fits this time.

And now Blondy McRich is upsetting the horse that her father bought for her - and Blondy McRich is getting even more upset in return.

Kind Girl (yep, that's what I'll be calling the main character) is comforting the horse and Blondy McRich has to come spoil it by in the same breath calling Kind Girl poor, just a stable girl, and using the fact that Kind Girl's father is disabled as an insult. Damn, I already really hate Blondy McRich McBitch (new name for her).

Kind Father is comforting his daughter. This is kinda moving and heartwarming. ;'-)

A mystic horse sound (that's the name for those again - whinnies?) from the ominous forest - then almost immediately followed by flashbacks. This is like the scene from Labyrinth (1986) right before the magical creatures start popping up in the young, innocent, unsuspecting girl's life.

And now the flashback turned into a daydream - and... something else.

Kind Girl apparently gets up at 05:00 every day to take care of her disabled father and their home. Admirable in a both heartwarming and heartbreaking way.

And, yes, Kind Girl even goes to work on Christmas day in order to earn money to take care of herself and her father. Unrealistic? Unfortunately not.

Then she meets the magical horse.

She is able to talk to that horse quite well - and... it seems to... talk back?

"Don't talk to strangers" in this movie is apparently "don't get on strange horses".

Kind Girl gets on Magic Horse - which then rides (gallops?) off with her. Is this where they cross over into the alternate universe where magic is real? (No idea if that's actually the plot - but it just feel a whole damn lot like it.)

Yep, alternate universe (where it isn't winter).

The only aspect of this movie that so far has surprised me was that Blondy McBitch had the audacity to insult Kind Girl by calling her father a "cripple". That was uncool and unexpected. As for the rest so far, comfortable predictable.

Hah! Second surprise of the movie - Kind Girl just made a global warming joke about her journey from our universe to the warmer (fantasy?) universe that she apparently traveled to. By the way, she is taking this whole change of scenery pretty damn well.

This is the second Netflix movie/series about a teenage girl and her friendship with a horse I've watched this week (1st was Free Rein). Don't judge. :-P

I, an adult who is afraid of horses, am quite impressed by this small child's ability to be so calm and comfortable around and on that giant beast of a horse. Maybe that's why I'm watching these movie/series on Netflix? To admire bravery.

Wall-paintings that are alive - in the Harry Potter kind of way. And they are hinting at Kind Girl being some kind of special girl / chosen one - with there probably being a prophecy about her too later on.

Did Magic Horse just turn into that weird looking old guy? Oh, I forgot - Kind Farther told her earlier that this was going to happen (indirectly, but still).

Magic Dude (aka. Magic Horse's human form?) is throwing around a whole lot of big words, magic names, and backstory mumbo jumbo. If this was a "take a shot every time your hear a new fantasy phrase" drinking game, this single scene would take down most people. 'Cause, damn - that's a lot of fantasy terms thrown out there for one scene. <downs glass of champagne (not really - bubbles are difficult to down)>

I actually think there's an average of 2 new fantasy terms per sentence in this monologue. WTF?!?!

Hah! Now I get why she wasn't freaking about before. :-) She just NOW realized that she is in an alternate universe - and is proper WTF-ing at the realization.

Magic Lady is trying to threaten Kind Girl - but Kind Girl doesn't get that that magic stick can is supposed to threaten her.

Wait, Magic Horse is not Albion from the title of this movie? It's name is... eh... I already forgot. This is why I give the characters names myself.

Magic Lady snarky as fuck. Lady McSnark it is!

Wait, that landscape CGI scene was way off - unless that horse is like 30 meters tall and runs hundreds of km/h.

Wait, is that the girl from Brave?

Introducing Old White Guy. The villain, right?

"It is just a flesh-wound" says the guy who is missing a finger.

This scene is pure Monty Python. Wait, is John Cleese?

Ew. Old White Guy just ate a finger.

Wait, Brave McSnark (new name) is some magical creature that lives under the ground?

Brave McSnark just used like 5 different adjectives to describe why she was chosen of all the Earth People (I instantly forgot what the movie is calling them) - and none of the words were "brave". Come on, movie, you could have least have given me that.

The snark is strong with this one (you know who).

Sigh. Enters this guy who apparently cares more about his look (especially his hair) than anything else. Vain Dudebro, it is.

What, is that guy a tree?

Aww. Brave McSnark's friends have died and their corpses are turning into trees. Kinda brutal for a kids movie.

I have heard those background sounds before in some other fantasy movie - I just can't put my finger on where. Labyrinth? Holy Grail? The Princess Bride?

Finally! Kind Girl comments "seriously?!?!" when another stupid over-dramatic fantasy term is used. Even she has enough of this by now. (Also, I'm pretty sure it was ad-lipped - because she seemingly said it without moving her lips).

Vain Dudebro is damn vain - like that is pretty much all of his character traits - vain, vain, and... wait for it... vain.

Not the first of Kind Girl's visions - but this one is way more coherent that any so far.

Vain Dudebro is even vain on behalf of others.

Ha ha! Vain Dudebro faints at the sight of blood - a single drop of blood.

Brave McSnark is still snarky as fuck. I love it.

And there is the actress who play the main character ("The Savior" - hah!) on that ABC Show about magical worlds. Fitting.

Oh, it's Magical Clone Club. :-)

I like #MagicalCloneClub - they are fun. They even have a crazy Helena - with crazy hair.

Why are they singing?

I like how the most scared Kind Girl, Brave McSnark, and Vain Dudebro have been so far is when the crazy clone ladies started singing.

STOP WITH ALL THE LORE NONSENSE TALK! I have had enough with your magic terms and insights into a seemingly giant magical backstory.

They are using a ram to break open a magical portal? Even by the most obscure magical laws, that doesn't seem to fit.

Kind Girl and Brave McSnark are kinda effective and awesome together. What I don't get is why Vain Dudebro is here. He has been of zero purpose so far and is only getting in the way. (Yes, I know he is "the romantic subplot" - but FUCK THAT, 'cause this would have been a better movie without it/him).

Usually when you open a grave to find a magical item that the corpse was buried with, you don't expect the corpse to jump up and run away with the magical item. o.O

Kind Girl almost just said "what the fuck". :-)

Usually, when a man meets a magical horse in the forest, it is the horse that has a horn sticking out of it's forehead - and not the man. Not this time (also, the "horn" is a wooden branch penetrating the skull of the man - eww).

Kind Girl: "What should we call you?"
Undead Dude: "My friends call me Gally."
Kind Girl: "Okay, Gally."
Undead Dude: "BUT YOU ARE NOT MY FRIENDS!!!"
<awkward silence>

What? Undead Dude is realizing that Magic Horse is his brother?!?!?

In the middle of a giant monologue about different ways Undead Dude has been killed was "squashed by an EXTREMELY fat cow". That made me laugh.

This movie is making me miss the series with slightly similar characters, with the stuck-up elver princess girl, the bisexual rogue girl, and that boring blonde dude. I wonder when it will be back.

<pauses because I'm running out of alcohol - mostly because I only bought one bottle of champagne that I, for some reason, thought would be enough - so I'm heading out to buy another bottle of something good>

<15 minutes later - back with another bottle of champagne - movie unpause>

Wait, did I stop the movie in the middle of a big heroic monologue by Kind Girl? I'm sorry, girl, you don't deserve this level of disrespect.

Aw. Kind Girl's monologue was so moving that the undead dude is crying. :'-)

Wait, Kind Girl's name is Eevee? As the Pokemon?

I like this kind of deal - a favor for being one's friend.

Brave McSnark instantly shutting down Kind Girl referring to Vain Dudebro as Brave's "boyfriend" by calling him a fungus instead. Though, a fungus Brave McSnark isn't quite sure she want to be cured off just yet. ;-D

A child telling the adults to save themselves while being attacked by evil emo-looking guys.

Wait, is Kind Girl Native American? That would explain a few things. I didn't realize until now because her father was a white, white dude.

Apparently the emo guys can talk with each other telepathically.

Wow. Kind Girls speaks the truth. She is everything a hero should be in a movie like this.

YEAH! (I actually yelled that out loud) - Brave McSnark to the rescue.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!

No, it can't be. :'-(

All alone again, Kind Girl is.

Here's whatever-I-called-the-man-version-of-Magic-Horse-before and Kind Girl left only.

Ohh! "The Book of Healing" saved her! Yes!!! (Stupid name, but it saved Brave McSnark's life, so I'll let it go.)

The Queen? Who?

What? The Queen is Grace from Will & Grace? Well, actually, makes sense. Go on, movie.

This might be the first time in this whole movie I've heard any character praise Kind Girl. About goddamn time! She is amazing.

WHAT?!?!?

The white woman is the mother of the Native American girl whose farther is also white? Now you certainly can't blame me for not noticing she wasn't white until halfway through the movie, since the people involved in the movie didn't notice either.

Ah, come one. Another "story-time" sequence? I know there is a giant universe around the story, but can't you just like... tell the story of what happens... without giving us a full history lesson on everything that happened in the thousands of years leading up to this one story-line? I hate when movies/series do this kind of shit.

<SARCASM>Of course the amazing, young, brave, wise child has to be royalty, because an ordinary stable girl with the same traits and an ordinary disabled farther and an ordinary absent/dead mother wouldn't obviously be able to do these things. </SARCASM>
This is the same bullshit we see over and over and over again. From the bottom of my heart: FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

Now The Queen is singing. Argh.

I like my version of this movie better. The Native American Kind Girl travels to the other realm and befriends the good people her path crossed and then saves the day somehow, mostly because she is kind, wise, brave, and trusts nature and animals - and not because of her bloodline, because that shit actually on screen is too much of usual "THE CHOSEN ONE" bullshit. FUCK THAT!

Okay, Vain Dudebro is actually good for something. Making a speech about how the most dramatic thing to do would be to beat in the face of someone as beautiful as him, thereby trying to extend the life of Brave McSnark for a little while longer. Bravo, dude, you do offer something to the group - a punching back. (Not even sure whether that is sarcasm or not. Oh well.)

I didn't mention this before but I somehow feel like the girl who is serving food to Old White Guy is somehow on the good side. We haven't seen her face, seen her move or anything - but the way she stand there with a plate of food, just makes me think that she must be one of the good guys.
[Post movie comment: Well, that was all she did on screen - stand here. Though, deeper theory here: The Old White Guy was having numerous visible deceases (and presumably several hidden ones as well) - which none of the people working in his palace/castle/house had. This means he was probably exposed to something poisonous that the rest wasn't. Who, out of the 20+ guys and the 1 girl, whereof the girl was the only one serving his food, would have the opportunity to gradually poison his food to weaken him enough for Kind Girl and Brave McSnark to defeat him later on? I guess we'll never know. ;-) ]

Okay, I'm still damn impressed by how calm Kind Girl is alongside that giant beast of a horse that is Magic Horse. No CGI, just a child being comfortable around a horse - which amazes me more than anything else in this movie.

Heh. Kind Girl is about to rescue Brace McSnark and Vain Dudebro - but she stops doing so when she sees that they are kinda in a romantic scene, which she want to let play out because they are her OTP after all.

Side note (right before romantic monologue): This Vain Dudebro is vain, self-serving, stupid, insulting (he told Brace McSnark she wasn't as pretty as him at least 4 times with 1 minute), useless, and overall a pretty damn weak character. He doesn't deserve the love of Brave McSnark, who is amazing. Friendship, sure - but unless she digs him for some other reason, I think he should just piss off.

Shit, I actually know a guy like this.

Side note (right after romantic monologue - yes, it was that long): He is still shit, but at least he is dedicated and honest. Seeing all the other men in this realm, I can see how it is difficult for a straight girl to do better than "stupid but honest". I accept it.

Kind Girl just confirmed that Brave McSnark and Vain Dudebro is her OTP.

Vain Dudebro just did his first single useful thing. Everyone stopped and looked surprised (even him) for a solid 10 seconds. That's what I like to see.

Worst disguise ever! And then you goes on to almost reenact the "Knights who say Ni" scene in order to avoid attention? What? (Side note: I love this! It's Spaceballs, Monty Python, and The Princes Bride all rolled up into one single stupid movie that isn't actually a parody, but isn't far off either.)

Guard who actually cut off his finger into the stew later served to Old White Guy (who ate the finger) is crying because he is feeling insecure and confused as to why Old White Guy doesn't like him. I am not sure how to feel about this.

Wait, that worked?

"What few people realize is that once you've lived in the rectum of a whale for a few weeks..." - Yep, I don't care about what the rest of that sentence is, because that is a brilliant starter that can only be followed by disappointment.

Amazing burn! Kind Girl just called Old White Guy "Jabba" and everyone seemed shocked, even though they didn't understand what she was saying.

I think I've seen this movie before - inside of a Mel Brookes movie. :-P

That's how it should be - Vain Dudebro tries to play hero, hurts himself, and gets rescued by Brave McSnark, the real hero.

I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on plot-wise here - but Kind Girl is definitely the hero and Old White Guy is definitely the villain. Other than that, I can't tell you what is going on.

Who are all these people, emerging from caves like the clones in The Island?

Wait, they didn't stop to explain anything and now all the good guys are somewhere else and celebrating the victory of whatever they did. (Nonsense, the movie and my reaction to it.)

The Queen has beautiful eyes, but I still have no idea what she is saying about the whole magical plot-line that I never actually understood.

Wait, no. Did Kind Girl just leave all the other (mostly Brave McSnark) behind on her journey to find a wormhole to get back to her own universe? She could at least have given her a hug goodbye. I really liked that friendship.

Snow. Kind Girl is back home. ;-( Yes, this is sad - Brave McSnark isn't here, so Kind Girl is once again alone and everything sucks. This can't be it. Please.

Shit! The portal was down at the bottom of a lake. Lake + winter = ICE! She is trapped.

Telepathic, young one is.

FUCK YEAH! Brave McSnark came back with Kind Girl to be her friend. YES! This is the kind of ending I love. Friendship between girls cross dimensions while everything else is just noise. FUCK YEAH! GO FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN GIRLS!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

P.S. Who/what the fuck is Albion?

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2017-07-10)

All Cheerleaders Die and I Ramble
About a week ago I came across the horror comedy movie All Cheerleaders Die (2013) and it seemed stupid, so I skipped it. Then today I encountered it again and I decided to give it a shot anyway - though with the addition of me writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie, as I have done several times before with other movies ranging from semi-stupid to completely ridiculous.

Here we go...

- - -

Yeah! The lead is the same actress who rocked as the lead in Tomorrow, When the War Began.

And there's the cheerleader "queen", A.

"GANGSTA!" - something I didn't expect a cheerleader to say.

Something feels off.

HOLY SHIT! That was brutal.

So the cheerleader girlfriend is simply a status symbol and nothing more. Go figure.

The cinematography isn't half bad. I didn't expect that from a horror comedy.

Oh. Now I see. That's why something felt off - because this horror flick actually has a decent plot setup.

All girl pool party in a horror movie and no nudity. I guess this is PG-13 horror. Oh, well.

Why are all the guys shirtless and ripped, standing outside the door?

So far this seems more like Mean Girls than a horror movie. I am not at all complaining; this is actually pretty great.

Wait; is the main character gay and used to date that goth chick? This movie gets more and more interesting.

Oh, fuck. That is some quality character development already this early in the movie.

And to think I was this close to not giving this movie a shot because of its cheesy title and it being a horror comedy.

So far there has been two short lesbian makeout scenes and both of them served an essential part in the movie's plot. What the fuck is up with this movie? Pool party without nudity and only girl-on-girl action when it is necessary for the plot? This is certainly not your everyday horror flick.

Who wrote this? Because it is several kinds of great and I want to high-five the people who made it.

Wait, where's the horror part?

That's not horror - that's good, old-fashioned drama.

I'm calling it - this movie could end this very second and it would be a 10/10 short drama film.

But it goes on; let's see how that turns out...

Here comes the supernatural horror part.

Witch got powers (or just a sack of magic stones).

Somehow the movie is still great with all the supernatural weird stuff going on all over the place.

Those eyes!

How can they do this without it seeming absolutely ridiculous? Jennifer's Body did the same thing and it was laughable; this film does it and it works.

Though I am definitely not liking the whole "glowing crystal inside"-thing.

Good effects; questionable choice to use those effects for that purpose.

Perfect reaction by the first-time witch who resurrected a bunch of cheerleaders.

Once again, this movie is a shining example of how a horror comedy can have great writing and complex characters.

... and then there's a slow-motion "walking down the hallway" scene. Somehow fitting though.

This is Mean Girls, Jennifer's Body, Freaky Friday, and a whole bunch of other things, all rolled into one single piece of greatness.

How? How did the movie do that?

We have nudity after all. Boobs - for no particular reason. Somehow it felt misplaced since the movie is so great it wasn't necessary - something that isn't the case for most horror flicks, where female nudity is necessary in order to get any kind of enjoyment out the movie.

This is Vampire Academy kind of freakily awesome. (Those ramblings: goo.gl/3SMMzo )

Wait! The boss cheerleader actress has great acting skills after playing a seemingly dumb character for this long - and the character was even written with this in mind. Shit, this movie keeps surprising me.

Subtle, but relevant, stuff happeningen in the background for the people who pay close attention.

These characters keeps revealing more complex sides of themselves.

Another heartbreaking backstory. Damn, moved again.

What was that?

Bad guy is now supernatural?

Gore that makes me feel the pain? What the hell?

Nope, nope, nope. Completely misplaced music. First big flaw of the movie - though it only lasted roughly 4 seconds.

This is a horror flick that is not that far away from the level of brilliance that Attack the Block achieved.

Though, that was unnecessarily gory.

Fuck. That was cliche and amazing, all at the same time.

WHAT?!?!? "Part One"? And that ending? Shit, at least the movie was great - even if it ended on a typical horror flick trope.

The movie is over - but the music of the credits is a person playing with radio stations because they can't find anything they really like. This is kind of brilliant (and unnerving) too. Final stamp of "yep, this is awesome" for this movie.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-07-26)

Watching Army of Darkness and Rambling
So far tonight I've rambled my way through The Evil Dead (1981)(goo.gl/mWtaw) and Evil Dead II (1987)(goo.gl/ulUd4) so I thought I'd continue with Army of Darkness (1992). Here I go:

- - -

Voice-over? And retelling the previous movies in a way that's not entirely accurate concerning what actually happened.

Of course, let us repeatably stab an inanimate object with our swords. That's will show it.

What? Did she you say "My brother's dick shall be revenged"? I think my brain is playing tricks on me. Perhaps I should have gone to bed instead of watching this movie. Oh, she said "death" and not "dick" - that makes a lot more sense.

Insulting one-liners. I like it.

At least this movie seems to get that it's more about comedy than horror.

I thought to myself: "Do a flip!" and like that; BOOYAH; he did a flip!

I wonder how many times Ash has been punched in face (and balls) during these movies.

Chainsaw action is awesome. This movie is already looking better than the others.

I like this insane Ash more than the Ash from the first two movies. The actor's over-the-top acting is a better match for this kind of character.

Boomstick speech! Yeah, this is fucking awesome!

The makeup department surely has stepped up their game with this movie.

What? Did he just make a robot hand out of medieval armor? This movie is surely making sure the audience know how ridiculous it is.

Believing that an old man knows how to time-travel just because he has a long wizard-like beard? Seems reasonable.

Even after three movies I still have no idea what this evil POV power thing flying through the woods looks like.

Oh, let's hold the robot hand up to the fire to warm it. That makes sense. /s

This keeps getting sillier and sillier. WTF moments all over the place and now he's singing London Bridge is Falling Down? This is silliness I can approve of.

He just swallowed himself. This taking sexual innuendos to a whole new level.

More singing, rubber duck songs, and getting punched in the face by yourself; all followed by yet another awesome one-liner. BOOYAH!

This "talking to himself"-thing that Ash does actually works in this movie, contrary to the first two.

Talk about fighting your way through a book. And a book sucking you in.

The words "Seems fairly obvious" is never followed by anything good.

Trying to fake magic words by coughing is comedic gold. This movie is hilarious.

These ridiculously inaccurate sound effects work when the movie knows it's a comedy and a horror flick.

Getting tickled by skeletons looks as hilarious as it sounds.

People looking funny while jumping into the air all over the place.

A zombie warlord making out with a topless woman. I don't know what to think anymore.

More weapon construction montage. Oh, good he brought his chemistry books so they can make weapons. You know, because the creation of explosives is of course part of a basic chemistry school book.

Those horses are all over the place. I guess the actors playing skeletons aren't quite use to handling horses; or perhaps the horses are just startled by the army of skeletons walking beside them.

Battle cry: "Death to the mortals" does indeed make a lot more sense than the opposite.

The undead getting killed makes the most hilarious death sounds.

Words escape me. This is over-the-top in the best possible way.

This is the best POV-spear-attack scene I've ever seen.

Did Ash just add his own sound effects with his mouth to that spear fight in a real obvious way?

This villain-hero banter is pure gold.

Wait, the music stopped but the fight keeps going all the same. What's that all about?

I'm not entirely sure what just happened but it ended with a good old man-on-man hug, so I guess everything turned out for the best.

I certainly didn't see that coming. Epic ending to an epic movie was epic.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2012-11-18)

Barely Lethal Ramblings
A few minutes ago I realized that the first time I watched Barely Lethal (2015) I did so without writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie - and what I posted was instead "just" a review (https://redacted.work/reviews#barelylethal2015). Now, that needs to change. So here it is - a Barely Lethal rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - -

Oohh, I hope this is as good as I remember.

Pink title text. Yeah!

Brutal and cute intro animations. Yeah!

A villain with a yard named "SS Money". :-P

No, this is not supposed to be an Apple phone. See, it obviously has a pineapple logo. Nothing to do with Apple. /s

This again? Samuel L Jackson is even worse than Big Daddy (or whatever the dad was called in Kick-ass).

Sansa vs True Grit girl in a karate fight. Badass!

Secretly sneaking in '90s and early '00s pop culture into the child assassin program. ADORABLE!!!

Sansa is not happy to be the B team.

Fuck! If it wasn't so ridiculously hilarious, it would be tragic. These are kids, for fuck sake! Don't tell them to murder people.

This is utterly and completely the same shit as 007 or Mission Impossible guy does - except for the misogyny and macho-bullshit.

This kind of narrative storytelling reminds me of something - I just don't know what.

My first audible "awww". I'm sure it won't be the last

DOVE! Hell yes!

Ohh, that's Satan's therapist. I knew she looked familiar.

This new family dinner is ADORABLE!

Dove has some good comebacks.

Yes, I once again have trouble remembering the character names, so I'll just stick with calling them True Grit, Sansa, Dove, Samuel L Jackson, and Satan's therapist for now. If you've read any of my other ramblings, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

What? What decade does she think it is?

Why did the principle use the phrase "student with nuts in their mouth"?

Friendly guy is friendly. I like him.

"All the way from exotic... oh, come on man... Canada? For real?"

She's from Virgina? Or Vagina?

Those guys are fucking rude.

That's terrible riming - though he kind of rescued the situation, so I guess I shouldn't critic his riming skills too much.

Is it just me or does a lot of these high school students look like they are in their mid twenties?

First Mean Girls reference (that I caught) - by actually mentioning Mean Girls.

Yeah! That guy! Cool.

Bad puns all over the place.

So many puns - so bad.

What high school student goes around singing to himself in the halls?

Are those the evil women?

What? She don't want the "popular" boy because she is vegan? Is vegan slang for lesbian?

Sigh. The popular band is called "Emoticon".

What does "totem-pole" mean in the high school context?

Badass with an axe... trying out to be the school mascot...? What?

Shit. The organisation knows where she is.

Teacher joking about the secret teenage assassin being a teenage assassin. If only he knew.

Okay, maybe just high school bullshit - not super secret assassin organisation bullshit.

Hottie bascotty? What? That father of a teenage boy is trying way too hard to connect with his son.

Teenager who has been blocked off from any kind of real social interaction for all her life suddenly is overwhelmed by the real world. Big surprise. /s

Why does Alba look the same as she did when she was 17?

Samuel L Jackson is delusional - and Alba is hitting the nail on the head.

Alba flirting with Sansa - or sending secret messages?

That dude again. What the fuck is up with you?

Was that YouTube video playing on your phone - while you had it in your back pocket?

Damn, Dove got some good comebacks. Kind of complex comebacks - but damn clever ones.

That's the worst - but hopefully not accurate - nickname ever. Rape-it-Ralph. No... Just no...

I don't get more than half the slang these kids use.

Dove strikes again! Damn, what an expression - both verbally and facially (if that makes any sense).

Come on, True Grit - realize what Dove is feeling and how you can help.

Old trope - though now once again hilarious due to the absurdity of the context.

I'm glad that the friendly guy is having way more sincere conversations with True Grit than pop star guy has - if you can even refer to pop star boy's combinations of words as sentences.

Speak of the devil; fuck that guy. Or perhaps not. I don't actually think he's done anything bad yet. I just hate him, all the same.

Damn - girl knows her counter terrorism strategies.

I don't understand half the things this guy is saying. I think it is supposed to be like American teenage slang - but I don't know any of it.

OOOH! KING IS HERE! In real life her kid is named after herself and Jedi knights. King is king!

Real talk time. Shit, she admits the obvious. Samuel L Jackson IS THE BAD GUY!!!

Is it just me or does the symbol on Samuel L Jackson's hat look a whole lot like the Dharma symbol from Lost?

Truth serum or drunk? Heck, is there a difference?

"Shut up and grab her ankles" is always an interesting thing to yell at your little brother, while an unconscious teenage assassin is lying on your porch.

Satan's therapist and Dove have the most fucked up conversations - with so much energy!

High school party time. Why are these kids drinking? Isn't this the USA?

DAMN! SANSA IS HERE!

How can anyone think it isn't important which Hemsworth you are friends with? One of them is Thor for fuck's sake.

That is an interesting situation. Drunk pre-frat boy dressed as a stereotypical Scottish freedom fighter, sitting drunk in an empty bathtub, - and Dove, the way-too-good-at-comebacks girl, who despise everything cliche and stereotypical - having an honest conversation. Hmm.

Heart-to-heart in bathtub? Nope, just showcasing acting talents. Meh.

Drunk Dove is the opposite of charming. I guess that is what happens when kids drink tequila.

<Pause>Let me set the scene. Dove is passed out drunk at a high school party and True Grit is getting invited to leave Dove passed out and go hang out with the popular guy instead. This is one of those situations that tell whether a character is a decent human being or not so much. Let's see what happens... <Unpause>

SHIT! FUCK! DAMN! Screw you, True Grit! (Guess which choice she made). At least no one took advance of the passed out teenage girl too badly. Argh, even that sentence sounds fucking terrible - because that is what the situation was! Though, let me put your mind at ease - all that happened to her, was that she got a penis drawn on her face (we've all been there - waking up with a drawn penis on our face).

I'm a bit concerned about how not serious this family is taking this. Yes, it is funny that Dove is sitting around, responding to questions about how to act in church, while she got a penis drawn on her face - but the situation the night before was fucked up, and shouldn't have happened. Anyway, on with the movie.

Samuel L Jackson - the school bus driver, with a huge fake mustache.

When mentioning what is important, True Grit's priority (now) goes like this: 1) Dove. 2) Friendly guy. 3) Stereotypical pop boy. I hope this priority continues.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dove just used "Ringwald" as a reference. That's some solid classic pop culture reference.

Damn! The amazing comments continues. Dove seriously got the best lines in this movie - by far. (And Dove delivers them flawlessly.)

Admitting the truth in the middle of a car chase in order to calm down teenager. Didn't work - teenager screams and throws up.

If you go directly to check the pulse of someone hurt instead of in any other way seeing if they are okay, you might have too much experience with life or death situations. Just saying.

People who haven't paid close attention might think that Kesha was the evil assassin for a moment there. :-)

Once again, this whole "children as secret agents" business is presented as a humorous thing, while it is in fact scary as hell.

Aw. Now Dove understands what True Grit wants and she welcomes and embraces it. Awwwww.

Dove once again got the best lines. It is a wonder how in a movie about teenage assassins, a normal teenage girl is the most interesting and insightful character.

And again. Damn, Dove has one expressive face.

Makeover sequence? Okay.

True Grit and Dove heart-to-heart - in the most teenage way. I like this.

Why am I laughing? They are talking about murdering people - but making it sound like they are talking about having sex.

I love that Dove and True Grit are like sisters now. Girl power all the way!

Satan's therapist pretty much saying she will... well, I can't even write that. Though, the teenage boys wouldn't like it - or at least I assume they wouldn't.

The pop star doesn't get puns. Okay. Okay. Sigh.

Oh, she calls him the "rock star" (not pop star). And the primary reason why she doesn't like him is that he doesn't get puns. What the hell is this universe?

Okay, from the expression on Dove's face, she instantly knows that that girl (Sansa) is another secret assassin.

I "like" how picking up a knife in movies always makes a specific audible sound that everyone knows.

And apparently you can hear the knife move through the air. Really?

Oh, no - Dove is there. Sansa is going to kill her. :-o

"Stabbing people is fun! Is there gonna be more people to stab?" - Dove

"Attachments" is such an ugly word for "people you care about".

Wait, did Alba just admit that she is a "psycho bitch"?

Too many cuts in this girl-on-girl fight.

I still don't agree with True Grit about Samuel L Jackson being a good guy. He is the downright worst person in the whole movie - without a doubt.

"Big gesture" - landing a helicopter on the highway. Eh?

Ending on a bad CGI scene and a bad voice-over comment? Really? Come on!

This movie was full of perfect examples of how fucked up relationships are where one person has way more power over the other; and they only addressed it through the perspective of the "villain". Not cool.

... (credits)

Ooh... More.

Sansa is getting ready for college. Yas!

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2016-04-16)

There's a Live-Action Bratz Movie?
While browsing Netflix for something to watch this Friday evening, I came across the live-action Bratz movie and thought "why the hell not?".
So, since I'm watching something this weird, I think I need to write down my rambling streams of consciousness while watching it.

Here we go... Bratz (2007)...

- - -

Uh, it is starting. And I am already questioning my own sanity for choosing to do this.

Pink, pink, pink, and trance music.

They are singing?!?!?

Is that Mona from Pretty Little Liars?

Holy shit, a whole lot of jump cuts.

What? A secret crafting room inside the closet? Cool.

Why is everything going so fast? Something happens every single second.

Selfies with flip phones? Did they even have cameras?

Wait, are the credits actually pink and Comic Sans?

When is this movie from again? I can't determine whether this looks like the 80s, 90s, 00s, or 10s.

I don't like the editing. It kind of surprises me that the editing is the first thing I don't like about this movie.

And then the acting is now starting to bug me as well. That one I saw coming though.

That is the first time I've seen a clique with this different individual taste in clothes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I've heard about the usual cliques in US high school before - but a "kids who like to dress like dinosaurs" clique?

The principle is using a "How to run a prison" book to figure out how to run his school. Appropriate.

And as it turns out, it is actually his daughter who runs the school. Figures.

Egyption music with an R&B beat? Eh?

Why is there a mime in the background of so many of these scenes?

Questioning whether the girl is lost, because she is in the chemistry lab? Not cool, bro.

Trying to show that the girl actually knows her shit by making up some completely bullshit chemistry experiment with no base in reality? Not cool either.

Sigh. This is so fucking fake. This movie apparently thinks it has to make up fake stuff in order to have girls be good a science. This is far from the first movie aimed towards young girls that does this - and I frankly hate this tendency with a burning passion.

The Bring It On movies have ruined my perception of cheerleading - because these cheerleaders got nothing.

Wait, girl? Did you just say you nailed your friend's sister? I doubt this movie is that progressive. I must have heard wrong.

Is this what they call cheerleading? More like interpretive dance.

Soccer chick got skills. And she's kind of violent too. Wow, nice kick.

What is up with the constant change of style of music?

I do enjoy the theme of the girls complimenting their rivals when they do a good job. It is good to see girls supporting girls instead of trying to tear each other down.

Come on! This is so fucking stupid! A fucking parody of every teenage movie out there.

Her: "You don't sound deaf."
Him: "Well, you don't look ignorant - but you can't judge a book, right?"
BOO-FUCKING-YAH!!!

That is kind of an evil mastermind that girl. Creating a system of isolating teenagers into smaller, more manageable groups, by reinforcing their more distinct interests, so that the groups have a small chance of overlap.

"You are the best" she says to her BFF as she blows her off in order to hang with her fellow cheerleading friends. This is kind of sad.

Wait!!! Two years? Two fucking years later?!?! No, tell me this isn't what I think it is.

Clique isolation worked? :-(

I think I recognize that voice. Is that Ashley Simposon?

MySpace? When is this movie from again?

This is really sad in a non-obvious way. Fuck! :'-(

No! Feelings! Because of a Bratz movie of all things!

Little girl with bad puns.

Everything is so over the top. I know this isn't a parody, but at times it kind of feels like it.

Oh, now I feel bad. That scene was over the top because IT WAS A DEAF KID TRYING TO EXPRESS HIMSELF MUSICALLY!

Apparently evil queen girl got even more skills.

Chainreaction of former BFFs getting humiliated.

Are food fights an actual real thing in the US? Because all these movies kind of make it seem that way.

Where did those pies come from?

Why does the principle have secret service agents as his minions?

Using "queen of the Nile" as an insult is kind of brilliant.

NO! Don't you fucking dare use "you don't have a dad" as an insult. You guys used to be BFFs for fuck sake!

Good on you, girl; calling your friends on their bullshit.

Yeah! Acknowledging the truth about how terrible the US high school cliques are.

This movie kind of have a great message.

WAIT! The movie is far, far from over. There's still over an hour left. What now?

Saying "we've decided to be friends with everyone" triumphantly is kind of rad.

Holy fuck. Teenage girl, with a passion for fashion, defining the concept of superhero secret identities to a T.

Oh no, is this going to be all about a boy now? I had come to expect more from this movie by now.

Queen bee's taste kind of sucks. OH! She's actually rigging the talent show. Evil queen.

Rebel BFFs are kind of against a system bigger than them.

"Operation Mingle" - more like "Operation Try-To-Turn-People-Different-From-You-Into-You". Not cool, girls.

Is that the guy who in Mean Girls asked what date it was?

I don't like that the soccer badass says "I'm such a clutch" when the ball she kicked brought a guy to his knees in pain.

The evil queen kind of reminds of me Queen Cersei.

This is not okay. A teenage guy hitting on a pre-teen girl. Not okay at all. The word "fesity" was especailly nauseating.

Is that USB-stick kind of like the burn book from Mean Girls?

The kind of significant divide between the different levels of acting is kind of annying the shit out of me.

Cooking sequence! Why?

Ohh! So that's the connection to the main plot.

This is definitely the first clown make-over I've ever seen.

This is scary. Close-ups of clowns scary.

Apparently clowns are less scary when they aren't even close to looking like clowns anymore. Not really a make-over, just simply dressing up as something other than clowns.

DUDE! Stop fucking hitting on the 11 year old girl! Your sexual remarks are fucking disgusting!

I once again have to admit that the evil queen is multi-taltented. Her motivations are several kinds of screwed up though.

If any famous pop star had made this song, it would have been a #1.

No, that clip is not humiliating; it is endearing!

YES! And the movie is right with me on this.

Kicking the evil queen into the pool? Good elephant.

Oh, now I get it. Bratz is a mispelling of the word "brats".

I'm confused. Oh, it's the plot line about the talent show that's back. I forgot about that one.

There are actually some deeper stories going on here. I like it.

WOW! Put down that samurai sword, queen.

Trying to insult the evil queen by calling her "devious". Heh. Yes, she knows - and she takes pride in it.

I've begun to realize that there aren't actually any unintelligent characters in this movie - just misguided. I like that.

I'm confused. How did the evil queen blackmail the main girl?

Shit, this is kind of good. Real friends FTW!

Wait, is this actually a movie about four girls - one black, one asian, one latino, one caucasian - who are friends despite having mostly quite different interests - all from science to sports to designing - whose main aspirations are to be friends with each other and be friends with or get along with everyone else - with boys (even the ones involved with romanticly) being part of the friend group (instead of something to focus on), and who not trying to put their enemies down, but rather rise to occasion and be even better? Shit, this is kind of not terrible at all.

I'm kind of disappointed in myself that I never before watching this movie realized that Bratz = brats.

The evil queen kind of reminds me of that Icelandic Eurovision entry from many years ago. It is kind of uncanny. Post movie note: youtu.be/KkydPOGTJKk (Silvia Night - Eurovision 2006 - Congratulations)

MySpace again? Really?

Wait? Girl, you are saying that Beyonce got nothing on you? I beg to differ. You got skills, but let's be realistic here for a second.

How to make an entrance... Bratz style!

This is the fucking worst blackmail ever.

This movie wants to be Mean Girls. I understand the sentiment - and, even though it isn't close, I kind of like the aspiration.

This is kind of a bad musical performance. I'm 99 % sure you could put on any pop song and you couldn't tell which one was the original one. There's that much of a divide between audio and performance.

I wonder how much better this scene would be if the audio was replaced with Les Miserables' "Can You Hear the People Sing". (Note to self: Investigate further)

Fucking hell! Even the score right after the musical number sounds like Les Miseable or Phantom of the Opera.

"It's a tie"...? What? There are 3 judges?

Prices: Worthless trophy goes to the evil queen. Full college scholarship goes to the good guys.

I'm confused. Why are they lipsyncing a boyband song? No one can possible think that it is actually them singing.

Wait, the credits have been rolling for the past few minutes? I guess their music video distraction worked on me.

This reminds me of BoA or Rurutia music videos. At least better than the weird boyband lipsync performance.

Does the Bratz logo have a halo with an asterisk?

Movie over. Shit, I actually liked it. Not even close to being as bad as I expected - even if it was kind of over the top a lot of the time.

Oh fuck. My new Netflix recommendations... :-|

OH! I now realize how I found the movie. It was in the "More like All Cheeleaders Die" list. Oh, I loved All Cheerleaders Die (my ramblings for that one: goo.gl/yHLHgT).

I almost forgot. I wanted to watch the talent show scene with Les Miserables music. I'll do that now.

Searching Netflix for "Bratz" to find the movie again. Oh, WHAT?!?! That's a lot of Bratz movies. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. DAMN!

Here we go... Video: Bratz - Talent show performance. Audio: Les Miserables (The 25th Anniversary) - Can You Hear the People Sing.

This is weird.

Okay, I shouldn't have done that. That was way too weird. Anyway... movie over.

What? The movie has 2.7/10 on IMDb? Come on, people. It wasn't even close to that bad. Hmpth!

Wait, did this turn out to be my longest movie ramblings so far? Apparently I have more thoughts about a Bratz movie than other movie. Who knew?

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-03-15)

Cloud 9 Ramblings
After spending a whole weekend doing nothing but watching British series, I thought it was time for a change, so I popped open beer and put on a Disney Channel movie. This time it was Cloud 9 (2014) that I decided to watch. Though, don't worry - as you know I don't watch Disney Channel movies without writing my rambling, uncensored stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - -

Okay, last time I watched a Disney Channel movie I ended up rambling and the writing an additional 3 posts about the thoughts that the movie set in motion. I wonder what this will bring.

Less than 10 seconds in, and already cheesy as fuck!

Ah, Dove - that's how I decided to watch this movie.

Still less than a minute into the movie and already more than 30 jump cuts.

Who is Nick?

The attention span of this movie is equal to that of young children. Wait, am I watching a kids' movie?

No, "fashionably late" does not mean 11 seconds late.

This reminds me of something. Did I watch another incredibly stupid Disney Channel recently?

Who the fuck has an animal sanctuary in a ski resort?

I know where this is going. Predictable much? I wonder when her current boyfriend will screw up to make place for the new hunk.

Ah, I see. It's an animal hotel for people too rich to take care of their own dogs while on holiday.

Ah, for fuck sake! Black kid nerd on the Disney Channel? And the only non-white character in this movie so far. Way too familiar.

Way to establish the "bad guy" by making him insult the "good guy" in their first scene together.

These people sure know how to dress. Classy as fuck.

Oh, I've seen this movie - you know, in that movie about the ski place with the Mrs. Hawking actress.

If they die and come back as ghosts, I've totally misinterpreted the movie.

Crash - not death.

:-( I was hoping for fantasy or time-travel.

Be a rat or work with the dogs.

Burn! On ice (snow)!

Girl, who are you to insult flannel? YOU ARE WEARING LEOPARD PRINT!

OH! AW! ARGH! That scene made me hurt inside. So much "girls at their best are only mediocre" bullshit. Even though I know where the movie will go from here, I still hate these scenes.

Dove really knows how to pull off a Disney character. Still, the writing sucks.

"Chillaxing"?

Don't have a swing-door at a doggy day care. 

Good. Doucheface let main girl go. She is way better off without him.

Okay, what is up with these colors? Is this teen fashion nowadays? It's like the 70s have returned.

Wait, is her best friend mute?

What is up with all the animal print?

I love the friendship between these three girls. That the white, non-disabled one of them is the lead is kind of unfortunately - but still...

This girl sure know how to rock a simple ponytail.

Wait, this is like the 2nd, eh, 3rd, eh, 4th, eh, something, time that Dove is having a romantic interest that looks way older than her.

Again with the animal print. WHY?!?!?

Okay, another good thing about this movie - the "unbeatable champion" is a black girl. Yea', she's the enemy - but still...

Mute girl is my new favorite character of this movie. Simple, elegant, and able. Too bad she is in so few scenes.

No, you can't make "miss popular" into a professional snowboarder in a few days/weeks.

Good intentions won't make you win the snowboarding championship. Though I do admire your effort.

Still, too little ASL (aka. none), considering that the best friend is mute.

That is the ugliest dog hotel I've ever seen. Not that I have anything to compare it to, but still...

I still have no idea what kind of snowboard trick the "Cloud 9" is - and it is the title of the movie.

This scenery makes me miss skiing.

Snowboarding alone from the stop of a mountain nobody has snowboarded before? Not a good idea!

Wait, why is there live TV?

Sigh. Dear Disney, you don't need a lavigna to make a girl snowboarding down a dangerous mountain exciting.

ARGH! Don't say that the only reason you did something incredible, was to impress a boy.

Side note: When the "enemy" team members feel good when their opposing team members are doing well and being sad when they aren't, that is the kind of thing I love. Please don't find joy in someone else's failure.

Dude, the orange and purple color schemes doesn't work - at all.

Again, with the nemesis black girl smiling when the main girl is doing well. I love this kind of rivalry; you feel bad when your nemesis is failing and like they are doing well, but still strive to be even better yourself. This is how real people feel and I wish more movies would acknowledge that.

I'm confused by these snowboard scores.

Thank you, Disney, for explaining how the bad guy's actions were manipulated and downright orchestrated by the guy's father.

Girl, you rock!

Losers smiling because someone managed to do what they couldn't - that is the kind of thing I like to see.

Also, all the gender adjectives going out the window during the last part of the movie was very refreshing.

Stupid movie - but I liked it. The Disney Channel is actually begin to redeem itself these days.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-10-25)

Watching Crush and Rambling
This evening I wanted to find a movie to watch, so I watched a whole bunch of trailers from 2013 and ended deciding to watch Crush (2013). 1 minute into the movie I realized this might be one of those movies, so I started it over, this time writing down my rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - -

I only watched half the trailer, so I'm not really sure what this movie is about.

Cute beginning.

Hmm... Something is off.

OH SHIT!

Do something!

Help him!

Oh... :'-|

I wonder if that is the same guy. He's not dead, so it is probably not him.

Fucking fake ass soccer players.

Creepy.

Cute teacher.

Creepy stalker.

Wait, so the stalker has a stalker.

Wait, is that the actress from that Vagninal Fantasy TV series?

Soccer version of Swimfan?

Ooh, what is going to happen...

Oh, nothing.

Casual stalker. Somehow I find him even creepier than the main stalker.

Making your entrance, I see.

This movie doesn't know how to take its time.

Who the fuck have a conversation with someone else while having earbuds in? Douche.

Again with the cut, cut, cut. I counted between cuts for 2 minutes and only one cut was 4 sec, while most were 1-2 sec. Way too many quick cuts!

Lingering shots are way more creepy.

Forced to go on a date with your stalker? Ew.

On the bright side, if she kills her stalker, he couldn't be her first (kill).

MS Paint level Photoshop skills.

First proper reaction to the stalking.

And he makes an awesome (horrifying) joke about it. High five!

He knows?

Okay, now he certainly does.

This is not bad writing or acting. Simply TERRIBLE editing.

Whaaat?!?!

WHAT!!! She died?

And the movie continues without any hesitation - like nothing happened at all.

Fucking hell! Excellent scenes ruined by way (WAY! WAY WAY!!!) too many cuts.

At least the acting isn't bad.

Dear editor: FUCK YOU!

Murder time?

Okay, she is creepy.

Change of objective? Or target?

Fuck.

The classic American "the police won't believe me" trope. Sigh - not because the trope, but because it is basically reality.

Now I'm wondering if there's any female character in this whole movie who hasn't had the hots for the main guy. No?

I was hoping for a twist.

This movie has a lot of great ideas, plot points, and characters - but it truly doesn't know how to make use of them.

Creepy stalker guy is still fucking creepy. No, stalking isn't romantic!

It is never nice when a murderer says "you remind me of myself" to you.

Almost "draw me like one of your French girls."

Now that's one expressive drawing.

I feel a case of "lack of double tap" coming up.

Right again.

I'm once again impressed by the acting. Certain other parts, not so much.

Hmm... That was it. Meh.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-04-10)

Watching D.E.B.S. and Rambling
Okay, I'm doing this. I will watch D.E.B.S. (2004) and write down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie. I don't know why I didn't start it 30 minutes ago, when I started the movie, but I guess I'll start the movie over and do it this time.

Here we go...

- - -

This is already so fucking stupid!

Lie. Cheat. Fight. Kill. - Oh, this is about the SAT. Makes sense.

I had forgotten how incredible cheesy this was.

Plaid forcefield. Of course.

Isn't that the guy from Sin City with the gold eye?

The Asian one is French?

How do you misplace your gun? 'Merica?

How many communication devices do you have to ignore your ex on?

So many clichés already.

Those are some miniature skirts.

Why is everything plaid?

Are those holograms or teleports? Must be holograms.

Wind from holograms? Eh?

Of course there is the one character who gets nothing, who is there to make sure the viewer gets all the backstory, despite that the characters should already know all of this.

Dun dun dun!!! Directly followed by "Here's your smoothie!" Perfect!

Hologram wind again. What?

When a place is introduced as "Evil Lair" you expect a certain flair; and they certainly deliver.

Gay? Yes, gay.

Discretely indicating plan to destroy Australia. Nice.

These two seem more like the parody of a rom-com, and not like a supervillain and her top henchman.

The fakeness of this scene is blowing the scale. So stupid - and so fun.

Screw Bobby. Not literally - that's kind of the point.

I kind of hate Bobby - for no particular reason. He is not unreasonable - but... Ehh...

How do those wires even work? Who put this much effort into something this unnecessary.

Girls talking fashion on a stakeout. Cliché.

The Russian assassin likes Vodka. Cliché.

Okay, this is one awkward date.

WHAT? What part of him did you put six chickens into?

Wait, the stereotypical Russian assassin is not a 1-dimensional character? I just assumed, but I guess I wasn't paying attention.

I know this is kind of a parody - but this action scene seems almost exactly like hundreds of serious action movie action scenes. I guess this kind of explains why I dislike most action movies that try to be serious.

The "let's split up" trope. I wonder who will die (spoiler: no one - I've seen this movie many times before).

Clumsiness turning into Mexican standoff.

What is going on with you, girl? You're acting off - and not just because a gun is pointed at you.

Blind date? GAAAAYYYYY!!! <insert homophobic seal>

Your thesis were relying on the assumption that the supervillain girl were straight? Well, that theory certainly went out the window.

I really enjoy these heart-to-heart between the supervillain and her top henchman.

Weird music - though perfect for this new level of stupidity going on.

Come on!?!?! Even cartoony sound effects all around? Perfection. :-D

Suddenly crossbow!

Kidnap two government spy girls and take them to a night club in order to pursue one of them romantically. How can this possibly go wrong?

Did they just throw in the "girls have tiny batters" stereotype as a major plot point? Twice.

Are they in the UK or are those ravers just very fond on Britain? No, that's a top hat - definitely the UK. Wait, I thought this took place in 'Merica.

First date with someone who is writing their thesis about you. Creepy. Though then again, you kind of kidnapped her in order to get this date, so I guess she's not the creepy one.

Ebola? So topical. Wait, this is from 2004.

I really like how casually this movie is going over the whole "she is gay" thing.

This is kind of romantic.

Talking about federal rules is kind of a turnoff.

Clam jammed!

Oh, of course her breakup explains why she was gone for multiple hours in the middle of the night and WHY THERE IS A SWEATER HANGING FROM AN ARROW ON THE FRONT LAWN TREE?!?!

So it's not a hologram, but a teleport? I have so many questions now. (Resisting urge to post rant about teleporting = death, or linking to old post about the topic.)

How difficult can it be to remember a name as long as "Amy"?

She's the lamb from The Silence of the Lambs? What?

Doing a bank heist in order to get a second date seems kind of desperate.

If those skirts were any shorter they would be belts.

This is really, really stupid. And really, really entertaining.

Bags with giant dollar signs on them. Figures.

Don't say "this can't get any worse."

Aw. So sweet.

Fake a kidnapping to be with your supervillain girlfriend. Probably the least cliché thing about this movie.

Even SNL might be less silly than whatever this it. I love it!

What does an aptitude test measure?

An actual honest and real conversation in the midst of all the silliness. I like this.

Bra snapping fight and bingo distracting the bad guys from the good guys attacking.

Awww... So sweet.

That's an awkward thing to walk in on.

So how do you spin your top agent boning (their word) the supervillain?

I guess that could work - if she isn't actually in love.

This is kind of sad. I thought this was going to be all fun and games.

Dude, she's not into you. Wasn't running away with the supervillain girl after breaking up with you not enough of a hint?

Teddy bear gun holder. :-)

Girl, what are you doing with that giant weapon? Oh, destroying Australia. Okay; carry on.

Giving up world domination for love. That's really sweet.

Oh, and there's a cheesy 80s song and a lip-sync sequence to go with it. Perfect!

Okay, I'll give you a link to this thing of beauty (stupidity):
youtu.be/mDi8rUvjf3E

It has been a very long time since I last saw something this cheesy. I love it.

I just figured out what this reminds me of - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Old man teleporting into a girl's bedroom is kind of creepy.

The spy prom is called "Endgame"?

Secret, master, evil, supervillain plan: "Tell her that you love her." Heh...

That Asian spy is very, very stereotypical French.

That's a lot of big guys with big guns for one little girl. Still, she can probably take all of them.

Wait a minute. Is their honor award called the Mary Jane? Isn't that slang for something?

For a perfect liar she is kind of not selling this lie at all. I guess she can't lie about matters of the heart. :-P

Awww. It all of sudden got really cute again.

Awwww! The place where they first met. Perfection!

Aw. Friend sticking up for friend running away with supervillain. Cute!

Ending with the couple driving off into the night. Very sweet.

Movie over. So fucking stupid - but I really liked it.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-07-04)

Dead Before Dawn Ramblings
Due to my previous (questionable) Netflix viewing habits, Netflix thought it would suggest the movie Dead Before Dawn 3D (2012) to me. Well, I give in; though not without me writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

Here we go...

- - -

Wait, there's no production company logos/intros before the movie? It just starts?

Starting out with a dream sequence. I hate those.

Is that the time-traveling doctor from those very famous movies?

WTF is up with this guy and his mother?

Ooh... the girl from Superbad?

Slightly sassy goth girl as his BFF. I like her.

Who buys antique mugs?

Oh. That guy. :-/

And the giant douche enters.

That's a creepy urn. I bet it will be the source of the horror in this horror comedy.

"Kid, I'll give you the tour of the place." <warms kid about supernatural, evil urn> "That's it. Bye!"

Now the whole group from the poster/trailer are together in the creepy shop with the evil, evil urn. I wonder what will happen.

Wait, are they brainstorming the plot of the movie in the actual movie?

No, really? They actually did that?

It would be funny if the curse was actually all in his head - like everything so far indicates.

Duct tape solves everything; even cursed, mega-evil urns with the ashes of a mega-evil spirit. (Spirits don't have ashes, right?)

EMINENT DOOM! Oh, and advice about proper lipstick color for a date.

A ukelele? Really? Dude, no.

Wildcats? That team name seems familiar... High School Musical?

FIRST BLOOD!

Okay. This is like 0.01 % horror. Yep, pretty much just plain, silly comedy with a horror-like plot.

Well, maybe 0.02 % horror.

That is kind of cool and fresh though.

At least two of these main characters are utter idiots.

"Great Scott!" - It is that time-traveling doctor!

I just understood why they have been referring to the zombies as "semen" this whole time; they are saying z-men, as in zombi men.

That's a lot of screaming.

Some of these teenagers are better at choosing weapons that others.

"Boom goes the semen!"

HE HAS A CALCULATOR WATCH!!!

Death of the giant douche. Oh well.

They are calling it a "semen curse." :-P

That was a weird radio station. All people screaming about impending doom.

What's with this "are you on the weed" again?

THE CHEERLEADER JUST SEDUCED A Z-MAN!

The cheerleader has a z-man slave.

That guy is seriously sucking some tailpipe.

Why is it that in every zombie movie ever, the transformation from dead human to alive-again zombie gets shorter as the movie progresses?

For second there I thought she was going to remove the brain matter from his face with her mouth in an attempt to be seductive.

What the fuck is a dickie?

Does that cheerleader ever stop posing?

"The semen seducer"... :-S

The semen joke is actually growing on me.

Dying guy: "Best friend, promise me one thing." <takes selfie> "Post this." <dies>

I don't think he posted that selfie.

Apologetic zombie cheerleader.

For a second there I thought "Life on Mars" was starting playing. 

Zombie talk sounds remarkably like baby talk.

No!

I doubt that was the kind of threesome that he was hoping for.

That was a sucky twist.

And a boring ending. Sigh.

Post movie note:
Apparently the most interesting character, the BFF goth chick, was also the director of the movie:
"The Feature Dead Before Dawn 3D confirms April Mullen as the youngest person and first female to ever direct a live action stereoscopic 3D feature film."
At least that's something; even if the movie was overall meh.

- - - 


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-01-10)

Watching Descendants and Rambling
I'm pretty sure it was right after watching Barely Lethal (my review: https://goo.gl/OcybDs) that I learned about the existence of the Disney TV-movie Descendants (2015) and was instantly intrigued. So, since I'm drunk and about to watch a Disney Channel Original Movie about the children of Disney villains and "heroes" (if that is what it is about), then I think I should make this another installment of my rambling streams of consciousness posts.

Here we go...

- - -

Woohoo. A Disney Channel Original Movie. How exciting. (I might sound sarcastic - but I am honestly excited for this.)

Did she just swipe on that iPad with her foot? What kind of logo is that?

Also, the thorns on the D-apple looks like the tail of the devil.

Wait, Bell is the same woman who plays the Good Fairy on Once Upon a Time? Connected universe my ass.

What!?!? This is a kind of depressing start to a story. "The good king imprisoned all people related to the couple of bad people - and their descendants... forever!". Fuck you, Disney "good guy".

For my last comment I actually looked up what general term was for one's children, grandchildren, etc. Apparently the name of the movie was the answer. :-)

Is that the Video Game High School logo?

Wait, did "the king" just say he wanted to fuck a teapot?

Okay, that kid is not the child of those two people. Genetics.

This is overdramatic - and I'm laughing my ass off.

Kid is right. King Daddy is a douche - who has been punishing kids who weren't even born when their parents committed the crimes for which their entire bloodline are punished.

Wait, singing? Is this a musical? :-)

Kudos to the custom designer.

No kudos to the composer. What kind of genre is this even supposed to be? Electric, house musical song with kids?

And here comes the "dubstep", just when I thought it couldn't get worse.

Shit. This is terrible. STOP THE MUSIC!

Who wrote this? It is... unspeakably stereotypical and fresh at the same time. Writer, hit me up and I'll buy you a beer or 10 (real offer).

This reminds me of Sky High in a very good way (well, except for the pure shit musical number).

SO MUCH PURPLE!!! A few of my friends would approve (and I do too).

Maleficent (Kristin Chenoweth) and daughter (Dove Cameron) act better than the script allows.

Shit, and those two might be the only two good ones (actors that it - the characters steal candy from children, literally).

Snappy writing - only working because of one or two good actresses.

I feel like that CGI was terrible on purpose. Or at least I hope so.

Line, terribly weird. Deliverance, perfect. Me, almost falling off my chair laughing.

Wow. Is the Fairy God Mother deliberately twisting the evil one's words to change the subject from being about the haves and have-nots to being about... eh... something else?

Shit, that line couldn't have been more fake... on paper - but she delivered it so sincere that I truly believe she doesn't have any bad blood towards the daughter of the women who (allegedly) tried to kill her parents.

I like this kind of character writing. No, they are not superficial, just acting that way.

Not stupid. I like that in characters.

Wait, is Cruella Deville's son playing a videogame using two vibrators as controllers? The future of tools with multiple applications sure isn't far away.

Perfect "computer, zoom out" moment - <shows Earth from space>

So far the plot would have been 100 % the same without 3 of the 4 main characters. No wonder I like the one main character way more than the other 3 - she is the only one who does anything.

Ooh, a new song. So far definitely better than the first one.

Kristin Chenoweth sure know her theatrics. I'm rocking along in my chair to the music.

Okay, this movie might have the potential to be halfway the masterpiece that Enchanced was.

I'm beginning to question whether the actress who plays the main character is actually a person, because she simply embodies her character way too well. Too well for this kind of movie at least.

Subtle Star Wars reference? Very, very, very subtle.

Okay, I need to mention this classroom question:
"If someone hands you a crying baby, do you:
A) Curse it?
B) Lock it in a tower?
C) Give it a bottle?
D) CARVE OUT ITS HEART?
Solution: Pick the one that doesn't sound like any fun ("C").

Again with the fucking "dubstep".

Holy fucking shit - Maleficent's daughter got a cool ass locker - while all the rest are exactly the same bland color. This fully represents how I feel about the acting and characters so far.

Okay, I was wrong about Sleeping Beauty's daughter. She is not a good person.

Wait, EVIL spelled backwards is LIVE?

Sound editing on point. Plings, blings, whoops, clicks, and wheeps all in the right spots for a Disney production.

Who knew that the Fairy God Mother is a Tiger Mom?

Who knew that the spawn of Maleficent would have turned out this sinister?

Cheating in physics class by using a magic mirror. Nothing new.

Who the fuck walks around with a personal business card? That reminds me, I need a personal business card.

Oh, it was just a handwritten note.

Nice reference to the original 101 Dalmatians story.

Slightly gay. I like it.

This is kind of terrible. The side characters are written for shit, while the main characters are actually written as fully 3-dimensional human beings.

Is Oregon actually that terrible?

Girl needs no boy! (Girlfriend upcoming?)

What? Mulan's daughter? Wasn't she - eh, how should I put it - not interested (at all) in the whole "romance with men" kind of thing?

I'm pausing the movie, to say one thing. This scene could be 1000x better if they had just framed it slightly different. Exactly the same scene, sames lines, everything the same; though instead of the director telling purple girl to say "argh" reluctantly in response to helping Mulan's daughter, they should have reframed that 1 sec to be reluctant but relieved that she got the opportunity. You know, the "argh" you say when someone asks you to do something you feel others would judge you for doing, but them asking is an opening for actually doing it without having to worry about what others feel? Heck, the movie did this right a few times so far, so I'm not really sure why they dropped the ball now that Mulan's daughter is in the scene. Hmm...

Step 1: Reluctant to do it.
Step 2: Does it.
Step 3: Bits lip, damn girl, you hot.

This movie has a lot of things. It still needs to be a little more gay. Heck, the colors, eyeliners, "hiding your true self" sense, and all that is already there.

Fuck yeah! She's not stupid - exactly the opposite.

Pausing again. WHAT? Four teenagers standing around discussing the molecular components of a tear, as in reference to how it will affect a magical spell. And the "stupid guy" suddenly knowing a lot more about chemistry than expected - cool. Though it would have been a lot cooler, if he still wasn't this fucking 1-dimensional piece of nothing that only has had one single relevant line of dialogue throughout this whole movie. Unpause.

Rich girl trying to explain happiness to the poor kids who have been imprisoned their entire lives.

Dark purple, moss green, pale blue, smokey black, and a hint of dark pink - that's certainly a color scheme I can embrace.

Good girl is getting worse and worse.

Once again, perfect casting for the main character.

Is this some sort of Quidditch?

Oh, it is.

Stupid. Though the commentary isn't exactly subtle about how stupid it is, so it kind of works.

Oh, main girl's name is Mal - after the mother (Maleficent).

Another song. Come on, dude - she's not interested and you're nothing special; just another white guy teenage wannabe athlete.

No. She's smiling. :-/

Fuck yeah girl to girl conversation. To paraphrase: "If she were talented like you, she wouldn't need a guy to make her feel good about herself."

What is an honor code?

More screen time does not give more character. You are still 1-dimensional. Give me anything resembling a human being and I'll start paying attention.

If you want to be subtle about character backstory, at least make the actors reflect that there's something more to their story and character.

Color schemes FTW!

Wait, why is the cheesy looking pale guy taking the (only) interesting girl to an isolated place in the middle of a forest?

Again with the acting. She knows what kind of movie she's in - and fully embraces and owns it. He... well, seems like he's in a commercial for a personal injury lawyer.

No. Stop it with trying to make 16-year olds seem "sexy".

Oh, good. Only a prelude to a musical number. And a good one - despite the video flashbacks.

I'm still not sure what the fuck she is singing about.

Well, fuck you, guy. You faked drowning so the girl, who can't swim, would try to save you, just so you could save her in return. That is douchey.

Dude, no. You don't love her. You met her like a week ago - and you have been trying to manipulate her since day one. Take a step back.

Disney villains trying to make tech work is kind of brilliant.

Fakest and most awkward video chat of all Disney time.

Ah, fuck man. The Fairy God Mother is actually feeling bad about the subtle things you probably should be feeling bad about.

Breaking what love spell?

Okay, another pause. Mal (yes, I know main girl's name now) is recognizing that even in a situation where you are the literal enemy of someone and in war with them, you still should NOT affect your enemy's control over themselves or influence their own agency. Sure, you killed their warriors, took over their lands, imprisoned their rebels, taxed their workers, and made you the overlord of all of them; though, still, taking away anyone's agency is something so foul that even your own daughter will turn on you. I'm not for anyone ruling anyone, but controlling a single human being's mind just seems that much more frightening than war in general. Unpause.

Another song; this time a sad one.

That was a short one; and now here's another - a bad one.

I don't like the "nice guy". 

Wait, what? When did Mal and "nice guy" start dating?

I honestly can't tell these white guys apart. They could have used the same actor for both parts and it would have been the same to me.

Great trick. "Mirror, mirror in my hand, who's the biggest jerk in the land?" and then turn the mirror towards the person you are talking to.

Again, when the fuck did mr. "nice guy" start having anything to do with Mal?

What? No. I truly believed that one was accepting of everyone. I guess not.

PAUSE! "All you have to do is sit there and look beautiful." says the guy to the girl. Well, I don't like the tone of your voice - or what you're saying. You are, well I don't actually know who, but she is probably the most powerful teenager in your world - and you have the audacity to say that she should just look pretty? Well, fuck you! No, she's not a prize you've won or a thing you've conquered. She is a (fucking powerful) girl, whose abilities expand way, way beyond her superficial beauty. That she ever decided to go along with your petty attempt at a relationship, I'm still confused by; but she did, and if that is deliberate I don't refute it (much). Still, a rebuttal would be nice when he says stupid shit like that. Unpause.

I may or may not have been misinterpreted the whole love storyline of this movie. Just as usual.

Movie, please don't let these two kids get married.

Best song of the movie - a church choir song in latin. Heck, I have a soft spot for the classics.

It is just now hitting me that the heir to the kingdom is marrying Mal. I... do not like this.

I'm still confused about who this guy is. He looks like all the other princy white teenage guys.

Say that again? So what makes that one guy happy is scratching other guys' bellies? Fuck yeah, man!

Oh for fuck sake. Trying to add character to the almost nonexistent characters is pitiful.

Ok, fuck these people. It' all black and white for them, nothing else. Fucked up universe.

Okay. Kristin Chenoweth is the perfect Maleficent. Angelina Jolie, go home.

Again, what is up with Dove Cameron's acting? Too good for this movie. (That is the amazing actress playing Mal.)

No. Just no. Did you watch Enchanted? This exact concept barely held up in that movie, and that was perhaps the best live-action Disney movie ever. And then now you try to do the same thing? No, it doesn't work!!! FOR FUCK SAKE!!!

This story should have ended with Mal falling for Jane - not... eh... what's-his-face.

Final musical number. Meh.

Usually I like at least one of the side character more than the main character - but in this movie not a single character except the main character had any thing of personality. Sigh.

Every single single move in this scene is in complete contrast to the character from the rest of the movie. Fuck romantic endings in comedies.

Credits. With a romantic song. I would have liked this movie 1 % more if they had chosen a Sam Smith song for the credits - but okay.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-09-08)

Watching Descendants 2 and Rambling
As soon as I learned that there would be a sequel to the Disney Channel movie Descendants (2015) I knew what I had to do. Now that the sequel, Descendants 2 (2017), is out I bring you another round of me watching a movie ("slightly" drunk) while writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout.

I warmed up by watching the 1st movie - and, once again, really enjoying it. Still a greatly enjoyable movie. Let's see if the sequel can hold up.
Also, the first movie ended with a Mal doing a voice-over saying: "Oh. I was having so much fun I almost forgot... you didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?"
I guess she was right. It wasn't the end.

Here we go...

- - -

Uhhh... A Disney Channel Original Movie. I'm already excited (no joke).

AN APPLE!!! (People who know fairy tales will get this reference;-)

Wait, what - that looks like the main characters are really evil - with evil laughter and everything. This wasn't how the last movie ended.

Straight into the first song. As long as it isn't as bad as "Rotten to the Core" I'm okay with it. (Though really, that song from the first movie was truly terrible.)

Yeah. Jane is here too. Ooh, and she got a bit of attitude.

"Bad to the Bone". Pst. At least it is still better than "Rotten to the Core".

Are those apples poisoned with party magic? :-P

There's the wheelchair girl again - for like ½ a second. I guess having a total appearance of mere seconds might be what this movie, like the first, will be going for. #Representation (sigh)
(Post movie note: Yep, I was right. It was the same as for the first movie - two cuts of each around half a second that featured anyone with a disability. It's like they had a quota of including someone with a disability 2 times and they did everything they could to not be part of the movie. Sigh.)

All a dream? Sigh. Though, I kinda expected that.

I miss her colorful hair. This is kinda... normal.

At least Evie is still her colorful self.

And Evie's fashion sense is still on fleek.

I do like that Mal is slightly missing her old (rebel/independent) self. Please make that self make a comeback in this movie.

Describing designer shoes as "severe" is perfect Mal.

I didn't understand the thing about the green eyes in the first movie - and it seems to be an even more import part of this movie.

All of this is "perfect" and "charming" and "cute" and fucking cliché. I'm waiting for the real stuff to begin.

What kind of school PE class has 10+ people jumping around swinging real swords towards each other?

HELL YEAH!!! Lonnie (Mulan's daughter) is the secret badass fighter. This is the stuff I came to see.

The white boy tells Lonnie (the only girl) that she is not allowed to be part of their sword-fighter team (even though she is way better than literally all the others). Why am I not surprised?

Jay, WTF?!?! You didn't even try to stand up for Lonnie. I am disappointed in you.

There with the green eyes again. What is this?

Heh. The privileged white boy's name is Chad. I do find that funny.

A truth-gummy. :-)

Pirates? Let me guess - Hook's son?

Ooh... Who is she? Amazing hair, pirate hat, fierce attitude... Who is she?

Wait, is this actress the one who dates the actress who plays Mal IRL?

Yep, that was the son of Hook. And... that is the son of Gaston? OOOOHHH!!! And she is THE DAUGHTER OF URSULA!!! That makes so much sense. (No sarcasm.)

And just as I'm wondering what her name is, she asks Hookson: "What's my name?" ... Wait, Uma? Oh, like in Pulp Fiction?

And she sings. :-)

Nothing against the name, but Uma is a difficult name to sing. At least in this song that they are performing where half the words are "Uma". I guess they want the viewers to remember it.

Now Hookson is rapping. Sigh.

Whoever choreographed Uma's dance must have taken her long, awesome hair into account - 'cause this looks amazing!

Mother is home!

Wait, Disney only found the budget to create a single arm of Ursula - and only for less than 1 second. Doesn't matter - her daughter is the important one.

<prince reads from book> "Speed reading spell." <prince looks confused> "Blond hair spell." <prince looks slightly less happy> "Cooking spell." <prince looks betrayed and pissed off>

Yelling "PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY IS MY FAVORITE" while holding a plain looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yeah, dude - that was weird.

Yeah - she is wearing her old, bad-ass, purple leather jacket. Less yeah - she looks sad. :-(

Wait, her mother is green now? (Oh, in case you didn't know - her mother is a tiny lizard. Wait, that might have made it more confusing. Sorry.)

Riding a moped on water through a magical prison barrier. If that is not bad-ass, I'm not sure what is.

Oh, no. "Rotten to the Core" music is playing. :-/ I hate that song - and this remix is so far even worse (which I didn't think was possible).

Phew, at least it was only for a few seconds.

I once again have to say that Evie's style is on point. Bravo, girl.

I'm 100 % sure Evie owns a bedazzler.

Ha. I liked that. Evie is making an emotional speech about her going to the prison island (where Mal is) because she is her best friend - and then throwing in, oh and the two main guys are coming too... because... ehh... safety in numbers? Sure, let's go with that. :-D

Shit, Evie is seriously scared to her core of getting stuck on that prison island with her abusive mother again. :'-(

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who is this?

Colorful. Happy. Energetic. Who is she?

Clues to who is this. She is sweeping the floor. She made a joke about someone (related?) going from "wicked stepmother" to "wicked grandmother". But she is on the prison island with all the other villains - so it couldn't be Cinderella's child - could it? Maybe the child of one of the wicked stepsisters?

Wait, her name is DIZZY? Like in... Dizzy Mizz Lizzy?

Yah. Dizzy is going to give Mal a makeover. This is going to be amazing.

Yay - Dizzy is quickly becoming one of my favorite characters in this. She is amazing!

And so full of joy!!!

Also, good, ol' Mal is back - in all her glorious color!

I see their CGI budget is slightly up from the last movie. That one effect looked a bit more flashy this time around.

The prince undercover is sticking out like a sore thumb. He is smiling!

And just as I said that, Evie told him "never ever smile". :-P

A song to teach the prince how to be inconspicuous on the prison island. And it's called "chillin' like a villain" (Note-to-self: Look that up after) :-)

They must have so much fun making this movie.

I kinda love the dance for this song; it reminds me of something, I just can't put my finger on it.

Oh, shit. The village idiot just recognized every single one of the undercover rescue team. I guess acting differently doesn't prevent people from recognizing your face.

Uh, Uma is going to make a reappearance soon. I can't wait. :-)

Dude, you buying a limo who get you back the girl who ran away from all the riches and gloriousness of your kingdom, isn't the part you should focus on.

Awww. She ran away because was afraid of who she truly is inside and the effect that might have on him. :'(

Uh, that gesture never gets old. Give back the ring and then folding their hand closed. Timeless.

Though, I'm kinda afraid she is doing this more to save him than to be true to herself.

Go figure. Boyfriend couldn't convince her to come back to paradise. Now, let the relationship that really matters guide the way - the friendship between Evie and Mal.

Wait, they didn't even give that possibility more than 5 seconds? If they had, it would have worked.

They finally meet. Mal and Uma. Uh, this is gonna be goooooood.

Yea', Mal actually did the a slightly different version of "honey, I'm home" when seeing Uma. A perfect pirate ship. ;-)

Yep - Mal actually just told Uma "I'm so flattered that you dream of me." <3 (though, it was in a sarcastic tone - though I'll ignore that)

Snarky and sleek references to The Little Mermaid. This word battle is perfect.

Shit, this Uma actress is downright amazing in this role. So perfectly snarky. I love it.

You can cut the tension between these two with a knife. What kind of tension? ... ;-)

UMA IS A ROCK STAR!!!

Sorry, I have to say again that Evie's outfit is on point. Damn, that whole look (including how she looks and wears it) is the bomb.

Okay, I LOVED that interaction. Evie and Mal were talking about Mal's new hair (back to her old style) and how flawless it looked, while somehow at the same time complimenting like 2-4 women IN THE SAME BREATH for different aspects on the same subject. That is the way it is supposed to be. (And it was stopped by a boy - which Evie reacted to with an amazing hair-flip.)

Dizzy is back!!! Yay.

Wait, did Mal go on a dinner-date with Jasmine some time in the past? Isn't Jasmine... like... 30 years older than Mal?

I love Dizzy's attitude towards terrible accessories - all joy and encouragement, all the time.

I have completely ignored the side-story of the "amazing" (?) 3D printer that these guys "improved" by "hacking" it. But I get a sense that it might be important to the story. (If it turns out that this isn't important to the story, then I think that the these two/three guys could have been written out of this story with no consequence at all. Let's see.)

Lonnie is looking in from the side of this side-story. I hope she gets to play a more central parts than "being there, somewhere in the background" soon.

The color scheme of this movie is kinda great... in certain scenes.

Aww, they have to leave Dizzy behind. :'(

Awwwww, they recognize that Dizzy has the potential to change the world, but due to her circumstances won't ever get to come close to fulfill that potential. This is downright heartbreaking. :'''(

Awww. And now Mal pours her heart out to Evie.

And now they sing a duet, each pouring their heart out to the other. Beautiful friendship. :'-)

This is an amazing scene. The music. The aesthetics. Mal. Eviee. Dove. Sofia. The undeniable love between the two. :'-)

Back to the dudes with their 3D printer and their talking dog.

YAY! Lonnie is back. With... eh... a backpack filled with swords? Sure; I can roll with that.

Whoever made this pirate ship and port scene should really have been given a bigger budget. It doesn't look bad - just not fitting for a movie, unless these teenage pirate never sailed and made this port themselves. Wait, I'm going with that story instead. Never mind, it looks perfect. :-P

UMA IS BACK!!!

Uma's whole look, demeanor, attitude, etc. is downright the best thing about this movie so far (right behind the Mal-Evie friendship, I'll never disregard that).

Wait, this prince guy is "king". Or is that just how he sees himself?

Uma knows what's up. "Nah. I don't need you."

Yes! That's how to greet the amazing Lonnie. You hug her and thank her for being there, saying it is good to see her. Not like the guys, who tried to get rid of her as soon as they noticed she was there.

Oooh, Mal and Uma face to face again. Is there gonna be a song?

YES!!! AND IT'S A FUCKING RAP BATTLE!!! YEEEESSSS!!!

Yes, they actually keep rapping. (White girl kinda sound like early Eminem, but that's kinda still the top of what can be expected.)

Okay, shut up, prince-with-voice-modulator.

She is gonna pretend to make the dog talk, isn't she?

Yep, she did.

YAY, Lonnie sword fighting pirates to save her friends!!! (Also, like 5 minutes of pirates fighting before this - but mostly meh)

I like you, Mal's stunt-double. Such movement. Such elegance. Such encapsulation of the character of Mal.

I want to sum up the fight so far: Everyone is fighting just one equally skilled opponent, getting nowhere (with the prince fighting someone who probably couldn't even spell his own name); that is except for Lonnie, who is fighting a dozen of pirate guys and kicking their asses - even giving one of them her sword, to fight him with her bare hands, just to taunt him. Yep, it is obvious who the true hero is in this scene.

Wow, wow, wow - is that a knockoff of Pirates of the Caribbean theme?

Wait a second - Hook's son (who also had a hook all the way through this movie) - got his hook knocked off into the water. But there was a hand underneath. Nonetheless, he still jumped into the water to get his hook back. Talk about lasting childhood trauma.

I like how every single opponent Lonnie meets gets his butt kicked almost instantly. WARRIOR!!!

Sympathizing with Uma. I like it. Though, I would have liked it even more if it came from Evie or Mal.

Lonnie just said "see you later". Yep, that means she is no longer a part of this movie. :-(

Jane is back - though, I liked her personality more in the first movie, so this is kinda an empty comeback.

Okay, dude. I admire everything you just did. You invited the group to sit down and share how they feel. You explained it in a way you had grown up hearing sharing feelings and perspectives shared as - girl talk. You admitted you didn't know how to start "girl talk". You let someone take the lead (even though that let another guy to make a joke, insulting the thing you were trying to do - though you didn't let that get you down). That's the way to do it.

Aww, Evie. Beautifully spoken. Also, you, boy-with-the-dog-whose-name-I-never-learned-even-though-it-has-been-two-two-hour-movies.

Even the dog know that that dude killed it at girl-talk.

This is fucking brilliant. No-feelings alpha-male is suddenly realizing that he doesn't have to break the sexist rules to let just ONE girl through the gates - and then he does it. Kinda a terrible message - but at least we got Lonnie back. Wait, I actually changed my opinion from approval to criticism in the same breath. All still true though.

Jane smiling is making me melt inside. She is so kind, she deserves happiness. :-)

Jane being happy is making me happy. :-)

I once again have to express how perfect Evie's look is. Everything just goes together so well.

And here is Mal - with a style looking slightly off-balance, as if something is out of place. Hmm... that might be a metaphor for HOW SHE HAS EXPRESSED SHE IS FEELING THE WHOLE MOVIE THROUGH!!!

Complete with a fake smile and all.

Still, I love the color scheme. This must have been Evie's doing.

Wait, WHHAAAAAATTTT?!?!?!

Please tell me this surprise means that Mal get to marry Uma?

No? Damn... :-/

Okay, I don't get this. Not even a little bit.

This time I'm not even confused because I'm drunk - it is just because NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!!!!!

I'm just waiting for me to wake from this nightmare.

Jane, are you going to save the day?

Aww, the green eyes are a reflection of who Mal truly is.

Wait, that didn't break the horrible scene that is going on?

I now see that the green eyes aren't a reflection of how she looks, but how she perceives herself underneath it all - her true self to herself.

Uma takes after her mother.

Green eye transformation!!!

I'm kinda confused as how Mal can ever win this fight. Mal is fire, Uma is water.

Okay, prince jumps into water. What is he supposed to turn into?

Oh, a decent human being. Hmm...

AWESOME DRESS! This is more Mal's style than all the fancy pastel color bullshit.

Wow, they actually kissed - for like 0,3 seconds. That is a first.

YEAH. Evie asks to free someone amazing from the prison island. Dizzy? Please?

And then, as an after-note, Evie remembers ALL THE OTHER KIDS ON THE PRISON ISLAND!!!

A song - finally?

Shit, I love that dress. Asymmetrical. Simple. Sleek. And it looks glorious spinning.

I still love Mal and Evie dancing hand-in-hand.

This damn scene on a water-filled dance floor much have been a hell of a lot of fun/trouble to be part of.

Movie over. Wait, WTF was the main plot again?

Also, Evie is stylish, supportive, fun, kindhearted, and overall a damn great person.

Wait, what about Dizzy? Oh, yay, she is being invited to join the rest. That's at least something.

Post-movie, Uma makes a comment:
"Oh. You didn't think this was the end of the story. Did you? Ha ha ha ha..."

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2017-09-11)

Watching Dead Snow 2 and Rambling
Since it is Friday the 13th today I thought I'd grab a few beers and find a fitting horror flick on Netflix. As it turns out, Netflix has Død snø 2 (aka. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead)(2014). I loved the first movie so it is time to watch the sequel and write down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

Here we go...

- - - 

Woohoo, Dead Snow 2!!!

I loved the first one. Here's hoping the second one isn't pure garbage.

Wait... why is he speaking English?

Summary of the first movie. With a lot of the gore.

Leaving off from literally the second the first movie ended.

Not bad nazi zombie action.

WHAT? Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation of a nazi zombie? Yep, not a good idea.

Again, why are they speaking English and not Norwegian?

Wait, are they going where I think they are going?

OH MY FUCKING GOD! Nazi zombie arm!

Cool. And gross.

You are a wizard, Harry evil nazi zombie commander.

Okay, subtitles turned on now. I had no idea what the nazi zombie doctor were saying. 

Apparently there are no subtitles for that mumbling zombie German gibberish.

(Post movie note: I didn't see a single subtitle throughout the whole movie, even though I had them turned on.)

He looks a whole lot like Red Skull.

Jesus apparently can't help.

Argh. That is the worst attempt at CPR I have ever seen.

"It's not what it looks like" he says as he is holding the kid's heart in his hand.

Default iPhone ring tone is heard.

Ha! "I don't speak the language of Thor" he says in response to the Norwegian guy saying no words.

He is just a kid playing a game, right?

Half right. Just a group of huge nerds.

The writers clearly didn't google "CDC Zombie Preparedness" before writing this.

Calling out the stupidity of daylight saving time. I like it.

Norway is Endor? And expected to be Hoth?

<cookie break> Om nom nom </cookie break>

Commentary on the Norwegian gun control... from a bunch of Americans.

I doubt any museum would have a swastika filling up a whole wall.

Nazi zombie attack!

Interesting use of a guy's intestines.

This is a lot like Iron Sky. Only slightly less over the top.

DAMN! Super-powered nazi zombie arm.

Lazarus squared.

Nazi zombie tank on the loose.

Are they seriously going to create a communist zombie army in order to defeat a nazi zombie army?

Are the kids going to die?

Apparently so.

Gory scene after gory scene.

Gory humor - that actually makes me laugh. I like this.

I like that some of Norwegian actors can't speak English for shit. It kinds of makes the whole thing better.

What is a "little Norwegian man pussy"? Do I even want to know?

Everyone shh-ing the Star Wars nerd.

Hint, hint, hint. Yes, guy, you are the live bait.

It's okay. The zombie is just carsick.

This kind of reminds me of the (Oscar nominated?) tank movie Fury.

The gay distraction worked.

Wait, is she throwing those bombs hundreds of meters?

Blowing people up and then chanting "USA!" - That seems VERY familiar.

What just happened cannot and should never be put into words.

How to wake up an army of Russian communist zombies: Punch the ground. Hard.

This does not seem like a good idea at all.

I guess this is going to be the little, quiet, unsuspecting Norwegian village that will be the battlefield of the war between the nazi zombie army vs. the Russian communist zombie army. Oh, and the Norwegian police is there too.

That is the best scene ever of anyone trying to kick in a door. (Spoiler: He failed.)

I like whenever a zombie army is the solution and not the problem. Well, a different zombie army is the problem, but stil...

The Norwegian police was certainly not prepared for this.

That is one creative Nazi zombie doctor.

Boss battle! Nazi zombie army commander vs. Russian communist zombie army commander.

Those zombie squad nerds are more effective than I had expected.

Okay, now time for the real boss battle. Nazi zombie commander with super powers vs human in green tracksuit.

Star Wars chick and other nerdy chick sure know how to kill nazi zombies.

Oh no. The obvious gay guy was just about to announce that he was an obvious gay guy.

Here it comes... BOOOOOM, HEADSHOT!!!

And yet another Star Wars reference.

Why did I get a sudden urge to rewatch Jurassic Park?

What is this? How are they ending this movie?

With Total Eclipse of the Heart and digging up the grave of an old girlfriend? Sure.

Zombie girlfriend? Well, it is Valentines Day in a few hours after all.

Oh. Zombie sex. Argh. Well... still more romantic than 50 Shades of Abuse.

The end. This was rather good. Not in the same way as the first movie, but definitely not bad.

- - - 


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-02-13)

Evil Dead II Random Stream of Consciousness
After just finishing watching The Evil Dead (1981) and writing down my out-of-context thoughts throughout the movie (https://goo.gl/mWtaw), I thought I'd continue with Evil Dead II (1987). No real spoilers - just my random ramblings which probably do not make sense to most.

- - -

Wait, is this the same movie as the first one - but just with fewer characters?

I'm very confused by this movie and it's been less than five minutes.

Is this the first movie recapped in a few minutes, with a slightly different plot?

Ah, now I get it; I think.

Ash, are you really talking to yourself? Again?

Fixing your hair and talking to yourself won't help, Ash.

Even the invisible force of evil seems to be confused by what's going on.

I have an almost uncontrollable urge to yell "GOAT!" at the screen. I wonder what that's about.

Decapitated, naked woman is dancing and laughing in very poorly made stop-motion. This is weird for the sake of weird and not scary at all.

This keeps getting weirder and weirder. Is this what people think scary looks like?

This most of all seems like a clip from a Robot Chicken episode. Decapitated woman, chainsaw, and all.

How come these Evil Dead movies come so highly recommended? They just seem weird for the sake of weird to me.

Is he going to have sex with that chair?

Proprioception?

Did she just spit on herself while trying to seem tough?

Apotemnophilia? Hopefully not.

Phantom limb syndrome? That was kind of awesome.

How is it that a severed hand can talk? Or hum? Or whatever that was?

Never mind; now the lamp is laughing.

Like with the first movie, I do not understand these sound effects at all.

What is it with this girl and spitting? At least this time she didn't spit on herself.

That girl looks like the crazy, religious woman from Stephen King's The Mist. You know, Marcia Gay Harden.

Did that male zombie just turn into an elderly woman who now is singing nursery rhymes?

Green blood? I guess it wasn't enough with red, black, and white liquids gushing out of the zombies.

 Up up down down left right left right B A start.

Jor-El? Wait, that can't be right.

What? Another tree rape scene?

That tree is surely taking her for a ride.

Uh, legends about time-travel. I guess that must be a reference to the third movie, which I unfortunately don't think I have time for tonight.

Hillbilly with a shotgun. How can this ever go wrong?

I feel this movie is missing direction. Stuff just happens for no apparent reason, with no purpose or sense of progression.

It's funny how the dagger is made of rubber when it's in someone chest and completely solid as soon as it's pulled out.

This movie has a lot of opportunities for sexual innuendos but it doesn't take advantage of them because it's taking itself way too seriously.

Weapon construction montage! Oh, yeah!

Those trees seem very sexually frustrated. I never thought I'd say that.

This Ash character is little by little turning into a badass. And then he goes and screams like a little, whiny bitch. Oh, well.

Did I hear her say "No jalapenos condom"?

I don't think I was meant to notice that wire.

Oh, so we're back to the stop-motion. Good. /s

Fart sounds and one-liners. Now the movie knows its audience.

Hugging and no boob- or ass-grabbing? Now the movie has lost me again.

Okay, I'm completely misunderstanding what she's saying - unless she's actually talking about condoms, Mario, and Piratos.

Blue blood? I guess it wasn't enough with red, black, white, and green.

A time vortex? Awesome!

Who comes up with this shit? Well, at least it's over now. But there's just one more movie. I think I got time. I'm going to regret this.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2012-11-18)

Giving Fantastic Four a Shot and Rambling
I had heard so much bad about Fantastic Four (2015) that I didn't think I'd ever get around to watching it. But then I heard more details about why it had turned into such atrocity, and I got curious. So now since I'm watching it, I might as well write down my rambling stream of consciousness while doing so.

Here we go...

- - - 

20th Century Fox - ah, the ones who are one of the main reasons why this happened - both the existence of the movie and how badly it turned out.

That's a shit teacher. How in the world does he not think that "scientist" is a real career?

Not a happy family. I wonder whether this is the origin story of a villain or a hero.

This kid is slightly too smart to be realistic.

Cool science.

That's a lot of N64s. I guess it takes that many to teleport a toy car to another dimension/universe/planet.

OH! It's the guy from Whiplash (aka. one of the most impressive movies I've watched in years).

They have upgraded - no more N64s.

Shit teacher is still shit.

Four people. Are these the Fantastic Four? That one guy seems kind of old.

Daughter? Hmm... Let me guess - she's adopted?

Wait, is The Invisible Woman/Girl the daughter of The Human Torch?

I like that they don't rush the story.

Oh, she has aspergers; I think. That's a nice change of paste for a superhero movie.

Why is this board of a company developing technology so ignorant towards completely valid scientific theories?

HIS NAME IS ACTUALLY DOOM!?!?! Oooh, I wonder who the villain is. /s

Wait, The Human Torch's daughter is The Invisible Woman/Girl and Dr. Doom is his son? I think I'm misunderstanding something - slang, most likely.

The end of the world in 1 sec: The story of a 12 year old's science experiment.

HAHA! Foreshadowing.

Who the fuck plans that far ahead that quickly?

No! Another son? I might have guessed wrong about who was the actual Human Torch.

Okay, whoever wrote this dialogue and plot point need to look up the word "cliché". This is as bad as it gets.

Dr. Adolf Doom? Seriously?

Okay, I got goosebumps from watching that metal cutting process. 

This is a mix of theoretical physics and experimental physics, all rolled into one. I don't think this is how it works.

Sure, mr. "I only build an interdimensional teleporter in order to get my car back from my dad".

Oh, she IS adopted. That is at least one thing I got right.

NO! Don't tell me this whole villain origin story is about just another jealous, entitled fuckboy.

WHAT?!?! You are going to test, using a monkey? That's been done before.

WHAT x 1000?!?! They didn't even send a normal camera through before sending the monkey? WTF, people?!?!?

At least the monkey didn't die.

"Waterboarding in the 4th Dimension" - Not a bad name for a <insert preferred medium here> production.

One flask, three drunk-out-of-their-minds guys. This might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

Is Ben the stretchy one or the rock hard one?

Wait, only four of them? Wasn't there 4 nerds + 1 Doom?

A countdown? I don't remember a countdown.

I gotta give them one thing - interesting geographical details in the parallel universe.

That doesn't look safe to walk on.

Dr. Doom looks like Shredder.

They fucked up and are about to die. And here I am sitting, wondering how their different levels of exposure to "the energi" affect their different types and levels of powers.

Ah, so it brought the superpower catalyst with it back? Now the "absent" power makes more sense (invisibility).

Let me guess, he tries to stretch to reach his friend?

Okay, not what I expected - but close.

Area 57? Areally?

This is kind of horrific. And not even horrifically bad.

His children? Again with this guy and everyone being his offspring.

The stretchy super power is always creepy in live-action movies.

The government/company is trying to take advantage of the changed people after their accident. Typical.

1 YEAR LATER??!?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I was just beginning to get interested in where they would take this storyline.

Military advances? Sigh.

The Invisible Woman/Girl can fly?

The torch is a tool? Sue doesn't want to be.

Ben murders people for the government because they promise him they can cure him. This is sad - as is he. (There's a truly heartbreaking story in there - if they had taken the time to shine some light on it.)

So far I can probably think of at least 10 superhero movie worse than this one. Not because this one is good - but, heck, they have done way worse before.

Okay, I like that guy. He is cool.

Ah, that's him. I kinda suspected that.

Dude, you are too late to save your friend. He got forced to kill 70+ people; he is no longer who he used to be; he is sad; and understandably so.

Is his beard painted on? It looks weird.

One thing. Answering the question "does it hurt" with "I'm used to it" is heartbreaking - bad superhero movie or not.

Ben is sad.

Ben's story is always sad - and the movies never truly acknowledge that. I want a movie ONLY about Be; not a superhero movie - just a heartbreakingly beautiful tragedy about Ben's story.

BAD DIALOGUE!!! Cliché as fuck. Whoever wrote this deserves to retake primary school.

No. Please tell me what I think is about to happen isn't about to happen.

Argh! 10 minutes to do what the others have attempted to do, while reverse engineering it, for a year? This is shit.

Expected.

I didn't ask this before - but why is the company board business guy in the front all the time?

Dr. Doom looks... eh... bad.

I am impressed by his powers though.

He looks even more terrible (and not in the impressive way) when he is using his powers.

Wait, a minute. I just realized that if this exact scene had had a normal person - or, even better, a child - stand in for Dr. Doom, it would have been 1000x times more horrifying, intriguing, and interesting. But no. It is just plain bad.

A superhero movie truly lives or dies in direct relation to how well the villain is done. And this one? Sigh.

All of this is way too sudden - and extremely badly written and executed.

Rushed. All of this is rushed way beyond common sense.

Okay, okay, okay. This is absofuckinglutely terrible.

CGI Sue? Really? Who made this decision?

I do however really, really like the concept with superheroes being in extreme pain every time they use their powers. It adds a relevant and intriguing dimension to the whole superhero genre.

This all happened way too quickly with no prelude. Terrible.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Bad writing! And cliché editing!

The end. Fucking last 20ish minutes ruined the damn thing.

Though not anywhere near as bad as I had expected.

Still - sigh.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-11-06)

Watching Fight for Space and Rambling/Tweeting
Today (or was it yesterday?) I got an email for a Kickstarter campaign I had completely forgotten about, since it was years ago that I made a donation to the campaign. The Kickstarter was the documentary "Fight for Space" - and tonight I finally got to watch it.

While I didn't actually do a "normal" movie rambling session while watching the movie - but I for some reason ended up tweeting (at @Reschat) a whole bunch while watching the documentary, so I thought I'd take my tweets and create a movie ramblings post of them.

Here you have it...

- - -

You know those Kickstarters that you completely forgot you donated to years ago - and then all of sudden you get your reward? #FightForSpace

Exactly one minute into #FightForSpace and there's already a guy with an eyepatch on some ominous council.

Wait, they canceled all flights to the moon... IN 1970!?!?! #FightForSpace - or not, because of insufficient funds.

So many amazing people in #FightForSpace. @BillNye, @michiokaku, and @neiltyson - so far.

It is kinda sad that the reason the US went into space was as a dick measuring contest with the USSR. Still, got there. #FightForSpace

#FightForSpace has an atmosphere to it that makes me want to rewatch Alien (1979). <Add to queue: Alien (1979)>

G-Man (suit/sunglasses): Vague JFK reference.
Me: Hmm. I'll let it slide.
Random woman: NASA isn't sexy.
Me: HOW DARE YOU!?!?
#FightForSpace

The space shuttle had no purpose and would have been a waste of time and money... if it wasn't for what we learned from it. #FightForSpace

Wait, they (the US, obviously) wanted a space station way before they even knew want they wanted it for? Huh? #FightForSpace

And still, I get a little bit sad when I see the end of the final voyage of the space shuttle. #FightForSpace

#FightForSpace makes me realize money thrown at NASA way too often has been a complete waste due to wrong intentions and wrong leadership.

I guess my message is: Redo what worked in the 60s/70s instead of trying to do something else FOR NO GOOD REASON! Sigh. #FightForSpace

Old dude, who I forgot the name of - I fully agree. It indeed is a tragedy that we stopped building the Saturn V. Sigh. #FightForSpace

Is that the same eyepatch guy that we saw on the ominous council from the 70s? Now looking less retro and more sci-fi! #FightForSpace

#FightForSpace makes me agree with cutting the NASA budget. I know that wasn't the intention - but damn, such an inefficient use of funds.

Space exploration truly needs to be taken over by the private industry in order to progress. Thank you, @SpaceX. #FightForSpace

I'm glad #FightForSpace ended on such an inspiring and hopeful note, because (damn!) that was too much disappointment in people to handle.

To end off what apparently turned into a live-tweeting session of watching #FightForSpace, here is a shot of the credits (featuring me!).

- - -

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/12xGvc-_YDANTT6ba2RS9th-kpM9DyuVybmPCw_8uueSdmLeI7_akUUlLvIn39Iz42c8kJnzM95CBBZuG3tPaVbvjuOuJKmkC5ihPM7d97mKYKTdccdCGtPr0_vPo0Md96ntzmFQ70w=w800



(Originally shared on Google+, 2017-02-03)

Watching Girltrash and Rambling
Not even 5 seconds into rewatching Girltrash: All Night Long (2014) I realized that this might have the potential for another rambling stream of consciousness movie session.

So, here we go...

- - -

It has been a couple of years since I last watched this, but I think I still recall the major themes of the movie.

Oh, by the way, this is a musical - the kind that would be straight-to-YouTube these days.

Less than two minutes in and I'm already smiling from ear to ear. This is so full of joy.

Less than four minutes in and I'm already getting moved to goosebumps (wait, is that a thing?).

Oh! I completely forgot about this part. This movie truly got everything - even a just-got-out-of-jail badass with a grudge.

"Now I'm a good gay egg." - This dialogue is ridiculously hilarious.

Ahhhh!!! :-P Good Girl got a crush on Actor Girl when she saw her in an ALLERGY MEDICATION COMMERICIAL!!! This shit ridicous(ly hilarious).

Oh, as for me never remembering character names, these characters will be known as Good Girl, Actor Girl, Big Sister Girl, Punk Girl, and Crime Lady (yeah, that one seems like an adult).

That was awkward - but the tempo of the movie makes sure it doesn't linger.

Wait, why did it sound like a sword being pulled out when Crime Lady pulled out a golf club?

Is Punk Girl acting as Good Girl's wingwoman? That's cool.

Oh, she's done some "acting and modelling". :-) Well, honey, me too. (Truly).

Car full of lesbians singing about wanting to get laid before 2 AM - but not later because they got things to do.

Crime Lady is right out of the SNL Natalie Raps short.

Punk Girl is really wingwoman-ing the hell out of this shit.

Is there even any men in this movie with lines? I'm definitely not complaining - it is a nice flip of script from so many other movies.

OH! This song (Fantasy Cruch)! I've listened to it so many times after the first time I watched this movie (years ago). I even still know ALL the lyrics (and, yes, I did sing along to the whole song). :-)

Ew! First male character with a speaking role - and he imidiately grabs Good Girl's ass.

Crime Lady is here!

"They say I'm rehabiliated" she says as she's standing in a parking lot with a golf club, threatening to kill Punk Girl. Sure, Lady.

Wow - Crime Lady got a lot of attitude. She is kinda scary.

Oh - the sorotity girls. :-/

Giant monologue about how irresponsible Good Girl is - and it is like that <snap> all resolved by the introduction of a giant bag of weed.

Aw, I remember this scene. I already get goosebumps before it even gets to the moving parts. :-)

Ah, damn. Just as Actor Girl was starting to warm up to Good Girl, Actor Girl's friend sets her back in the direction of Punk Girl instead. Sigh.

By the way, I know I'm getting way too into this - but I can't help it. Actor Girl and Good Girl BELONG TOGETHER!!!

Wow wow wow wow wow. Big Sister Girl's ex is saying that Big Sister Girl doesn't got talent and that's why she broke up with her? That's just crude.

Awwww - Big Sister Girl is sad. No, scratch that. She's devestated. :'-(

Actor Girl's friend telling Good Girl that she's "too sweet". No, stop it. That's what's so great about her; she is a genuine nice person.

The choir partly consisting of sorority girls in their underwear playing ping pong in the background is something.

Wait wait wait. We have Good Girl, Big Sister Girl, and Actor Girl each singing about someone they want to be with; though, while I know who Good Girl is singing about, who are the other two singing about?

Sorority Sister's reaction to Good Girl coming out: "Duh!" :-) Just perfect.

Sorority Sister is kinda awesome - and hilarious.

A bunch of sorority sisters chanting "but most of us like dick" is kinda weird - but somehow not unexpected.

Wait, Good Girl got all of her sorority sisters to help her fake having sex with Punk Girl.

They are kinda way too into this "fake sex" for it to be fake.

What is it called when part or variation of previously played song/melody is played again to resemble a recall to the previous story-line? Either way, this is it. A "callback" to the previous theme/situation/story-line.

Good Girl is in love with Actor Girl. Actor Girl is in lust with Punk Girl. Punk Girl is in debt to Crime Lady. Crime Lady is... well... scary.

Why is it that the girl who seems several years younger than all the rest is acting more mature than the rest?

Crime Lady is back. And as scary as ever.

Damn. Punk Girl broke a chair on Crime Lady's back - and Crime Lady didn't even flinch.

Yay! Even the (campus) police are all women. This is such a nice flip on the usual script. It's not even as if the male-to-female ratio is different than a lot of movies - it's just flipped upside down.

Everyone lies. Also true for Girltrash.

Oh, I think I remember this song too. It was one of the ones I listened to while biking to school so many years ago.

I'm not sure whether this scene is amazing because it is amazing or amazing because it is terrible. Either way, I love it.

Aww. A sister heart-to-heart between Big Sister Girl and Good Girl. I still have no frickin' idea what the intentions of Big Sister Girl have been this whole movie - but at least she is real towards her sister.

Wait wait wait wait wait. Crime Lady was re-released an hour after getting arrested for breaking her parole? How?

Ha! We are in the last part of the movie and in the last 30 second more men have had said words (1-2 words each) than the entire movie so far combined. I wonder where I've seen that before /s.

Oh, Big Sister Girl's ex can rock (in the musical sense) and Big Sister Girl is still hung up on her.

AHHHH!!! Good Girl just said that she thought space camp is awesome. :-)

Yea' - it's going to happen...

Those smiles!!!

That kiss!!!

That lighting!!! No, really, that scene had some amazing lighting changes to demonstrate a climax of one of the main stories of this movie. It was truly spectacular.

That song!!!

Her (character in movie): "Let me show you something."
Me (watching the movie): "Is it a trampoline?"

Wait wait wait. After all of this, they still get to play their set?

Yeah! This rocks! Big Sister Girl is giving a middle finger to her ex by performing her set with such power no one can deny her dedication. Perfect.

Wow - Punk Girl can really shred a guitar.

Also, Good Girl and Actor Girl is getting it on; though I'm not sure I can relate to the whole "just met you and this is crazy, but let's fuck, and now we're in love, maybe"-cliché.

Either way - that's the movie. Huh. Fewer songs than I remembered. Still, a really entertaining movie.

- - -

Wait. There's a webseries of this? Ok, let's continue.

Big Sister Girl and Punk Girl are tied up together and they look like they'd had a rough day.

Also, apparently this webseries is in black and white.

Less than 2 minutes into the webseries and more unreal things has already happened than in the entire movie. No, really - like not even close.

Nah, this is not worth it. I loved the movie - but this is a bit too out-there.


(Originally shared on Google+, 2018-02-17)

Watching Agent 47 and Rambling
When I was but a mere pre-teen, my little brother and I got the computer game Hitman: Codename 47 at Christmas. It was different from what we were used to; it was about subtlety, stealth, and completing missions with as little impact as possible on anything except the main target. This "silent assassin" theme was kept to a somewhat consistent degree throughout the game series - but apparently movies like to do the opposite of the source material they are based on. Sigh - at least for the first movie adaptation.
However, now that the second adaptation, Hitman: Agent 47 (2015), has been out for some time, I thought it'd be a perfect way to slow down my overactive brain for a little while. Though, I can't watch something with such a trainwreck of a first adaptation attempt without writing down my rambling stream of consciousness.

So here we go...

- - -

My initial question: Is this going to be as bad as the earlier adaption - or worse?

This premise sounds familiar. And the backstory delivery is not half bad.

Ooh, Minority Report type interface.

I don't remember this level of sci-fi from the Hitman games.

And they are already going overboard on the action - way beyond anything in the games. That only took them a little more than 3 minutes.

Sponsored by Audi.

I wonder what part of "Hitman: Silent Assassin" they misunderstood. Because the whole goal of the games were to kill only the target and do so without triggering any alarms or anyone noticing anything. This is the exact opposite.

I wonder who this is. This character is already more intriguing than Agent 47, who just blows stuff up and makes a lot of noise.

Interesting scenery.

This movie is already beginning to take form as another one of those movies where all the scenes without the main character are the most interesting.

What was that? Psychic?

I recognize that interface.

To be honest, this 47 looks nothing like the original game 47 either. I guess it is not easy to find an actor that looks like the original.

I'm pretty sure I know where the movie is going and what the story is. Not bad, though - far better than the last one. Now let's see how this one tells the story.

Wait, we already see what Diana looks like? None of the shadowed in mystery intrigue that usually follows these types of characters?

Okay, that is an original hiding place.

Sylar. Now known as John Smith.

I'm still confused by this psychic stuff.

Wait, who is good and who is bad?

That gotta hurt.

Side note: That train looked like a LEGO train.

Slow walking guy catches up with both sprinting people and high speed cars.

Wait, you bring your prisoner weapon and ammunition? Why? This is not going to end well.

That ended exactly as expected.

Nice touch with the quick outfit change though.

"I don't know much - only all these exceptionally specific details." - That guy.

John Smith is actually Bryan Smith? Or is the last name also a lie? What aren't you lying about, dude? Is everything a rouse?

Don't you fucking try and introduce a completely unnecessary romantic/sexual subplot.

She likes to keep it analogue. No wonder why they couldn't track how far she had gotten with her research.

Again with mr. "I don't know much" knowing fucking every single detail about the guy he don't know much about. Heck, even his favorite flower.

Lights out.

Aw, sad child. :-(

Again with the over-the-top stuff. Don't movies nowadays know the value of subtly?

OUGH! Burn!

Ah, explaining the psychic stuff away by saying it is simply highly calculated intelligent anticipation using extremely heightened senses.

WILHELM SCREAM!!! Booyah!

Something is off with the light. It is beautiful - but it is like a combination of sunset and sunrise.

Again with the explosions. Please learn to keep it simple.

Okay, that is an awesome detail. Subtly changing between points of view, during the same scene, with people being in different parts of the world and thereby the light outside being different. Again, subtlety does the trick.

I like this kind of slight misdirection and subtle obversion stuff. Real cool spy crap.

I actually like these two main characters now. Not in the "good people, I like them" way - but in the "interesting people, I hope I never encounter them" kind of way.

Wait, no; that doesn't make sense. The barcode is an number. You don't get the barcode at one point and the number at another. They are the same thing.

I am seriously confused why the person who made 47 didn't make him unable to feel empathy - it's not that hard to do for anyone with simple understanding of how the brain works. Hmm... But he is real good a faking lack of empathy - perhaps that is the point. Is there an even deeper subplot here, concerning what the creator of the Agents wanted to accomplish?

This is like a 2 year old and her 4 year old big brother bickering.

This looks like Tomorrowland; the movie, not the... whatever the movie was based on.

Nah, I wanted Patinkin - not this guy.

I am more and more feeling like this movie would have been way (WAY!) better, if they had cut all the action, cut Agent 47, and just had it be a story about Katia discovering her origin and intended purpose - and learning to accept it and live her own life.

Knowing that all of this is sibling bickering makes it all the more amusing.

Sponsored by Audi - which can get hit by multiple motorcycles and not get a single scratch. (Site note: I wrote this before the car actually hit any of the motorcycles - but the statement turned out to be true all the same.)

Sometimes I wonder why they would use CGI for something so unnecessary - like a cracked window.

Okay, that car color distribution is statistically impossible. Pretty though.

I don't care about this storyline. Especially since it seems like it has overtaken the only interesting storyline of this movie.

Sorry, time past and I said nothing. It was the same bullshit action scenes again.

A few interesting takes in there - but overall, this is not interesting, fresh, entertaining, or of any value at all. More stereotypical action bullshit.

Okay, some of it is at least quite stylish.

Oooh, that prolonged "nothing is happening" elevator scene was pure gold. I am so conflicted about this movie. Yes, an elevator scene with nothing happening almost redeemed 15 minutes of pure bullshit action for me. Subtlety is king and I... wait, this metaphor is going in a direction I don't like. Point: Good, simple elevator scene.

Followed by a stupid ass action scene, which there were no need for. Sigh.

Okay. No sense did that make.

Somewhere deep down there is a good story. But they added way too much nonsensical action, and the value of the story got lost.

Video game ending.

Or is it?

Yes it is.

Meh, with a smile. It wasn't all bad.

- - - 


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-11-20)

Watching Invisible Sister and Rambling
Netflix has begun suggesting better and better movies for me, so when it earlier this week suggested Invisible Sister (2015) I added it to my list without a second look. Now tonight I had the time to watch a movie and I chose Invisible Sister. Though, I will be watching it while writing down my rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - -

Okay, I honestly have no idea what this movie is about; but let's find out...

Ah, I see - Disney Channel - that's why Netflix suggested it to me.

Voice-over already. Sure, can work.

Aw, it is already sad. Like, really sad - in a profound and interesting kind of way. Damn, I'm actually impressed.

Not a bad science teacher at all.

Is it just me or are Disney Channel movies getting better at dialogue?

"FROYO, YOLO, OH NO, LET'S GO!" - Sigh.

Aw. Popular sis actually feels bad nerdy sis won't hang with popular sis and her friends.

Popular sis is a lacrosse player? Cool.

Shit, these parents aren't exactly great at understanding (or respecting)(or appreciating) their kids; or rather, their not-popular kid.

Side note: This movie has had a farting hamster in the background of several scenes so far.

Ah, I think I know where this is going. Invisibility!

Holy fucking shit. Nerdy sis is awesome at chasing an invisible animal. If this girl had been up against the Predator, things would have been a lot different.

WAIT! THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!

Ah, I see, this is a Halloween movie.

How doesn't she notice she can't see her hands? Or any other part of her body? Oh, alcohol - she's hungover.

I like how quickly they figured out how the popular sis actually turned invisible.

I actually like this.

Oh, popular sis is a jock - and she's dedicated to her sport and team. Admirable.

HOLD ON A SECOND! THEY ARE IN NEW ORLEANS?!?!? You know, the place where I'm flying to TOMORROW! I don't believe in destiny - but this is perfect for my last movie before I head to New Orleans.

Again with the characters, dialogue, and acting being more than just acceptable. What is up with Disney Channel movies recently?

Cars without drivers is not that extraordinary anymore.

As stupid premise as any Disney Channel movie - but the execution is almost flawless.

I'm honestly jealous that these kids can go to school with costumes on.

Truth-bunny?

Shit. Truth-bunnying makes me tear up.

Wait, how did popular sis create such a place of solitude and safeness? This is freaking awesome, heartfelt, and moving. :-')

Callback to the ridiculous looking pants that one side character were wearing in that one scene earlier.

Giant bear flirting with curly haired guy in lab coat.

Another giant awww moment. This movie!

Damn. Popular sis says that sport is a source of feeling accepted and supported for her. This movie keeps surprising me with good and honest ways of presenting these girls' various different interests.

Okay, not all actors in this movie are good. Luckily the ones that matter are amazing.

Cliche - but acceptable.

Another important point. Having people think you accomplished something is nothing compared to actually accomplishing that thing yourself.

So the popular sis is the one feeling inferior and unwanted, having to prove herself to the nerdy sis. Damn.

:'-)

It even got some great messages thrown in there - completely appropriate in the context of the movie.

First bad plot point; the sexy guy is their only hope.

These sisters supporting each other is awesome.

Popular sis's boyfriend is stupid but understanding. At least that's some.

"What are you wearing?" actually asked as an honest question. The answer: "I'm honey."

I like the hinted at zombie side story.

New Orleans style of steamer - a trumpet.

Popular sis's boyfriend is stupid - but extremely accepting. Heck, he even accepts to stay with his girlfriend if she is invisible.

Popular sis sacrificed herself in order for her sister's brilliance to be recognized.

:'-) :'-) :'-)

Her parents finally see her. :'-)

They all see and appreciate each other. :'-)

This was a surprisingly great movie. Damn.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-12-28)

Watching the Live Action Jem and the Holograms and Rambling
Along ago, back in 2015 or 2014, I saw the trailer for the live-action Jem and the Holograms movie and I got a bit excited for the movie. Though, then after it came out, it got some pretty terrible reviews, so I ended up just never giving it a shot.

Though this evening, after watching two Oscar-nominated movies, I thought "what the hell". However, since this is potentially terrible, I think you know what I have to do - write down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

Here we go...

- - -

Wait, this is a 2-hour movie? What am I getting myself into.

Starting out logo music is kinda nice. Huh.

Clip-intro - with some pretty decent stuff. This is kinda nice. I may or may not be getting goosebumps.

What?!?!? I kinda really this so far. Though to be fair, we're only 3 minutes in.

Yeee! It's the girls-like-girl actress.

And the girls-like-girl singer?!?!?

Tragic backstory that makes me feel feelings and say awww. :'-(

Okay, that was one great intro to the movie. How is this movie going to let me down?

No, her hair is not a mess - but you still improved it.

Why does all of this feel so familiar? Did I once get blackout drunk and watch this before? Please tell me I didn't do a rambling post of this already?

Aww. The yelling and fighting stopped when the mother (?) asked for them to start singing.

That mother is awesome. These girls are awesome. This is all kinda awesome. :-)

Not "mother" - "aunt". Got it.

"No results found for "Jem and the Holograms" Reschat." - Google. Huh, if I've seen this before Google doesn't know.

They are creating a music video - but the synthesized sound is kinda... terrible. The visuals are cool and fun though.

Ah, now I see why they did that. They want some contrast to when the main character starts singing - alone in her room.

I'm still confused about what part of this movie is going to be terrible. Acting? Great. Scenography? Great? Interesting? Yes. Moving? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. - So what is going to go wrong? Sorry - I'm too focused on the whole "people tell me this is a terrible movie" part.

Aww. She hides her insecurities with some makeup to be became brave enough to share her talent with the internet.

Awww. She is smiling when hearing her sister singing. :-)

Awwww. They all are. :-D

Girls supporting girls. I'm all here for that.

Kimberly, I know you did that with the best of intentions, but maybe not the best thing to do with asking your sister first. Still, kudos for believing in and supporting your sister.

There is so much joy. I love it!

"You're way more than water-skiing squirrel." - That's an interesting compliment.

Where have I seen this actress who plays Aunt? She reminds me of some kind of classic movie.

The Aunt is really sweet and supporting. I like her.

Jem really not bending concerning bringing her sisters with her. I love it.

Oh, I really hope this isn't going in the classic Josie and the Pussycats direction.

Okay, who is this? Slow walk up intro with camera aimed at her feet while rock music is playing? This gotta be someone real powerful.

Ooh, and she kicked the skateboard!!! Real bad-ass introduction.

Juliette!!! Yes. She's a real natural born killer - and in this movie she is apparently killing it in the music industry.

Wait, they're leaving with that Lady the second they meet her? Is this how it works when opportunity knocks?

Hey Lady - don't disrespect Aunt.

This feels a lot like binging a series. Like one of those with 10-20 minute episodes. Huh - maybe more people would have liked this if it was released as a mini-series.

Dude, you don't have the right to wish anyone luck with their style, the way you look. Pst! PrettyBoy™.

Wait, Lady is giving style advice to the girls?

Lady is rude. How is acting this way okay?

NO! Those earrings were made by her sister? Don't insult them and put them away like that!

This feels A LOT like Josie and the Pussycats movie, with a slightly more realistic twist to it.

Makeover montage! This is fun.

Hayley's character kinda makes me thing of how I think Hayley is IRL. Lighthearted and fun in a sincere way.

Oh. Jem completely set up PrettyBoy™ for that burn.

Wait, wait, wait. It seems like things are getting weird.

And just as I wrote that, the narrator said "this is where it gets weird".

Wait, is this a sci-fi movie?

Oh, I think I know where this is going in an extremely specific way. Jem's father created an AI robot based of himself for his daughter to find after his death. Did I watch this movie before?
[Post movie note: Nope.]

So far, yes, that is what is happening.

Sigh, the sister's technobabble is terrible!

I know they present this as happy and fun, but I kinda think it is sad (in a heartfelt, emotional way). The father created a final adventure for his daughter for her to experience after he passed away. :'-)

That is one high-tech robot.

I do like that all of the sisters are caught up in this adventure and having a good time - but I still can't help but think of the thoughts of Jem's father while preparing this adventure for this daughter while dying. This is more moving that "romantic" movie where that guy left a GB adventure of letters for his girlfriend to find after his death. Yes, _Jem and the Holograms" is nailing its sidestory of a past loved one's messages from beyond the grave better than that one specific movie where it was its main plot-line.

Hayley being the first to jump off the pier into the oceans at night - and even yelling with joy while doing so. No surprise there. :-)

Aw. The sisters are singing on the beach, a cappella. I love this.

Wait, the PrettyBoy™ jumps in? Heh. This is cheesy as fuck - but I kinda really love the joy of this scene.

Damn, Lady sounds like she kinda knows how to drive internet hype.

The sisters being being super happy on Jem's behalf is what I'm here for.

YAY! "Love Myself" is playing as Jem and the Holograms make their first public appearance.

These sisters are still ecstatic for and supporting each other. This is amazing.

The editing is still that of web-series with 10-minute episodes and not that of a 2-hour movie.

Their first performance together and I'm kinda feeling it. :-)

I feel like they had so much fun making this movie.

What's happening? This might be great, might be terrible.

Goosebumps. Yep, this is great.

If this happened in real life, it would be absolutely legendary. (Also pretty damn hard to pull off - but I'll suspend disbelief for a moment here.)

These VHS flashbacks are really pulling at my heartstrings.

They got The Rock in this? :-D

Come on, movie. You're really telling me that Jem (with her 3 awesome sisters) "got no-one to talk to" and has to turn to PrettyBoy™ for a heart-to-heart? Pst!

Wait, isn't Jem supposed to be like 16, while PrettyBoy™ looks like he's in his early 30's? Why is he hitting on her?

Wait, were I supposed to care for PrettyBoy™ and think that it is tragic for him to move to a different project in his mother's company?

Oh. No. Does this mean what I think it seems? Is Aunt losing the girls and will they be forced apart?

Lady not understanding the value in the sisters together is the part about her that confuses me the most. This is some cynical, out-of-touch, old-school thinking.

I think this exact scene was in Josie and the Pussycats too. Though this time around they really put the emotional blackmail on thic.

Argh. She signed (just like Josie). :-(

This first scene of the sisters honestly being disappointed, upset, and angry with one another is heartbreaking. This is no fun. :'-(

Oh, this concert is going to feel hollow without the sisters.

I think I recognize that voice. Is that Jem singing or someone else?

Still, beautifully shot music video. Definitely some Sia inspirations.

Aww. The sisters just wanted to do this thing together and Lady manipulated Jem into destroying that.

No, this is not "a band¹ breaking up". This is a band² OF SISTERS breaking up. Not okay. :'-(

Wait, did they cut out an important scene or am I missing something big here?

Quoting a Beyonce song in order to tell your sisters you love them. Perfection!

Hayley instantly apologizing for bringing along a boy. :-P

A callback to the solution to the sisters not getting along. This kinda great. :'-)

Sorry, I zoned out for a minute there; when did this suddenly go turn into a heist movie?

Chromecast for the rescue?

Valey Brad's music is awful. Fully expected.

Did Kimberly just hack a giant music production company?

Nope, that was Hayley. I kinda like that I could think that two of the sisters were able of doing this.

Damn! Jem's father really was next-gen with the tech he created.

This being the climax of the movie is absolutely unexpected and completely heart-wrenching. This is way better than I had ever hoped for.

Aww! The father considers his AI robot a she. Of course he does. With his immense love for his daughter, of course his work would reflect that. :'-)

Father working in his lab, hugging his daughter and him saying "I'm working on my greatest creation" - referring to his daughter and not his work. :'-)

Jem together with her sisters again is still the best thing.

Why am I crying? Wasn't this supposed to be a shit movie? How the fuck can a shit movie introduce a short Instagram montage that brings me to tears? I can't. This is a great movie.

Okay, that plot-line and plot twist were completely unnecessary. But still, it's good to see Lady get what she deserves.

You know those movies that feels like they're ending? But then they go on and then feel like they're ending? And then goes on and just keep doing this? Well, this.

I suddenly got the point of the movie - when it was explicitly said out loud. We are all Jem. :-P

I really want to rewatch all Hayley music videos now - especially Girls Like Girls.

Ooh, another personal video montage - and it is amazing.

I kinda love this. :-)

Side note: This location looks exactly like that one mall map from L4D. Not important - it caught my eye.

Sigh. Of course it had to end with Jem making out with PrettyBoy™. Sigh.

And the credits rolls - with a pretty decent song.

Wait, how the fuck was this supposed be a terrible movie? I kinda really liked it.

Post-credit scene? Oh, what is this???

Lady enters abandoned place.

Wait, who are these ladies?

Previous pop girl group hanging out in abandoned building in full makeup?

Roxy?

I like these girls.

Who said "wait" from the back there?

KESHA?!?!?!?!?

Is this a setup for a sequel? I'm definitely up for that. Wait, that didn't happen... Oh... :-(

Are these girls cannibals or something? They definitely acted in that sorta way.

Okay, now the movie is completely over, right? And ending with some quiet sad credit music, eh?

Post movie note:
My rating of this movie is the exact same as the average rating of <18 year old girls - while everyone else seem to have hated (HATED!) it - with them on average giving it 3.6/10, which is kinda unheard of for big budget movies like this; same rating as The Room (2003) btw.
This movie had A LOT of things going for it - and it executed a lot of things really well. I think the problem for most people were the format - even if they didn't realize so. This 2-hour movie should have been 14-20 episodes of around 10 minutes. Then it would have been absolutely perfect in regard to how the many stories were told and how the movie was edited. Still, watching the movie as if binging a web series still worked and I kinda really liked it. This was a good movie! :-)

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2018-03-02)

Watching Katy Perry: Part of Me and Rambling
Like several times before I thought I'd watch a movie and write down my rambling stream of consciousness while doing so. This time I thought I'd try something new and choose a documentary - a music documentary so I still could drink and have fun while watching. The choice fell on +Katy Perry's Part of Me (2012) which you can find on +Netflix: http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/70243450

Here we go...

- - -

Wait, why am I doing this? Oh, at least it isn't the Biebster movie thingy.

Starting out with a fan violin cover. Nicely done.

18 year old Katy makes me feel old.

I honestly find myself hoping this will be a bit like +Taylor Swift's Journey to Fearless documentary.

According to IMDb Journey to Fearless is 7.5/10 and Part of Me is 5.7/10. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Disks of spinning hypnotic spirals on her boobs? I think boobs might be hypnotizing enough by themselves.

Heck, at least this music makes me smile.

Wow, a second later Katy said that she makes music to make people smile. <puts on tinfoil hat to prevent movie from reading my thoughts>

Oh, this is before she divorced Russell Brand. Why do I even know that that happened?

2-hour show every day for a year? It seems like someone might be exaggerating.

Lollipops everywhere.

I like that one guy in the audience has no expression on his face whatsoever while all the other people are completely freaking out of excitement.

Colors and party everywhere! AND GLITTER! HUGE AMOUNTS OF GLITTER!

<short work break for me>

Katy's parents were/are religious nuts? I have to give her that this is kind of a cool back-story.

Shit, her parents are kind of scary and disapproving.

Did Katy record a commentary to this documentary 8 years before it was even recorded? o.O

I have never heard some of these songs. I kind of like them.

Getting harsh truths thrown in her face by some song-writer lady.

Acoustic Katy Perry from 2006 sounds great. No glitter, color, or other effects - simply Katy and a guitar.

Oh, now I get it. Katy Perry was a great musician - a struggling musician - and then some PR guy made her into a brand, a star.

Damn, that was a nice live performance of I Kissed a Girl.

"I have a continuing evolving 1on1 relationship with God?" - Do I sense a bit of hesitation, Katy? Not to out you as 'not a religious nut' in front of your mother.

Again, a single guy standing still with no expression on his face whatever in the middle of crowd while everyone else are jumping, singing, and having the time of their lives.

Russell Brand is definitely more of a relatable cutie than Katy Perry. No disrespect.

Wait! 'Kitty Purry' is an old pun?!?! I feel so betrayed.

It says something when I get more excited about covers and other artists' music in this documentary than Katy's own.

Fart noises while doing yoga. Never not funny.

I am kind of confused about the timeline of this documentary.

WHAT IS THAT METAL MONSTER THING?!?!?! Oh, it's the Gaga lady.

I might just have yelled out "HELL YEAH!" when Rebecca Black made a very short appearance. <Vietnam flashbacks> You don't know man, you weren't there!

Katy Perry dancing with her "Last Friday Night" alter ego? That's what sisters are for.

Oh you, Japan.

Now I wonder why you see so few short drag queens.

The peacock song only makes me think of this: Katy Perry - Peacock (Chatroulette Version) ORIGINAL

Also, I don't think the peacock song is about a bird.

"Trying to keep my marriage alive." - oh. :-/

Shit, I am moved by this. I did not expect that.

And then a sad song; of course you had to do that to me, editor.

Did she just try to pull off her wedding ring while crying in a onesie? This is more personal than I expected.

The single tear rolling down her cheek was whipped away by a makeup artist before it even left her face.

Shit, that's a hell of a game face.

Editor, again? You bastard.

Such a great, moving act by a Katy's audience - mostly lost on Katy because she didn't know what "amore" meant. <sad sigh>

Hey Jude! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Okay, I am completely lost by the timeline again.

Oh, it's not Katy's wedding dress fitting - it's her sister's. Now I get the timeline again.

I haven't even been close to shedding a single tear this whole movie and this adorable children's choir comes on and rocks "Fireworks". Damn.

I admit it. I like Katy Perry's music even though I don't agree with her aesthetic choices.

Katy's costume designers, what the hell? I know it is branding but this shit is simply weird and ugly.

At least it ended with a joke.

And now Netflix is suggesting that I watch some cake show next... Fitting?

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-01-10)

Watching Kite and Rambling
Three minutes into the movie Kite (2014) I thought to myself "this is so bad that I need to ramble"; so we have another round of me watching a movie and writing down my rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - - 

I frankly have no idea what this is going to be.

Dramatic music - for the production company sequences. Kind of cheesy.

That is some very pink hair.

How can the acting be this bad this early?

Ew; he is licking that child's face.

Wait - she's Hit Girl?

Oh, and a cheesy one-liner; figures.

WHAT? Brain matter all over the place.

I do like the color scheme, however.

Was that a Mirror's Edge/Assassin Creed crossover reference? Nah, must be the beer talking.

Oh, voice-over to explain the plot.

That was the intro sequence. This looks to be a terribly bad movie... that I might end up enjoying.

SAMUEL L JACKSON?!?!? What is he doing in this?

This is so bad dialogue that it has to be on purpose. Is this another what's-the-name, the Homeless-Guy-Who-Kills-Everyone, movie?

Again, the visuals aren't half bad. Someone knows how to work their cameras and colors.

Shit; this is abuse on so many levels. It is Hit Girl and Big Daddy all over again.

Another great color scheme; at least they know how to do that.

Wait, is he faking that British accent?

Not a bad suit, however.

Is that a Parker pen up his nose?

What the hell is that bodyguard wearing on his head? A Hawaii-shirt-safari-fedora?

I feel bad for this child actress. This is downright disgusting.

I am reminded of Selena Gomez in the behind-the-scenes of Spring Breakers. That was some truly heartbreaking stuff.

Okay okay okay! Dildo-gun. Verdict: Awesome!

They are truly going too far with this "what if Hit Girl was sexy" concept. SHE'S A CHILD, YOU DISGUSTING PERVERTS!!!

Argh, another beautiful colorized shot. Some things they do know how to do...

... even if something still is seriously wrong with the people who made this movie.

More cheesy lines. Bah!

The score of this movie is SO FUCKING BAD!

Oh, the abuser doesn't care about the child he is abusing. What a surprise. /s

Wait, wait, wait - is this a "what if Big Daddy's former partner was as bad a Big Daddy" fan-fic?

No. Not pigtails and a miniskirt. THIS IS NOT OKAY!

Nasty scene and I'm just sitting here admiring the lighting, scenography, and color scheme. What is wrong with me?

That scene didn't make sense.

This guy takes way too long pauses between every few words.

What is "a numbers killing"?

Ah fuck, there's an hour left of this movie.

Well, I didn't hate that scene.

Music still crap.

That actor looks very familiar.

There's actually some interesting points about abused children underneath all the bullshit.

This is "Book of Eli" kind of beautiful scenography - but with crap writing.

Is that guy's lines added in post? They seem slightly off in level, sync, and acoustics.

My fridge just made a weird sound. I think I'm not the only one in this room annoyed by this movie.

This movie is shot way too beautifully considering how crap it is.

Wait, wait, wait... This could make for a great post-apocalypse game. Especially if you never saw that the character you were controlling was a child. Seeing it from the outside is what makes it so creepy.

Don't say "enhance".

You didn't say it - the impossible magic still happened. Fuck this shit.

Ah, fuck. Another great color scheme. This movie is pleasing my eyes, but hurting my brain (and not in the good way).

If I was playing a "drink every time you see child abuse" drinking game, I would be even drunker than I am.

This is one of the few times where me seeing someone being kicked in the balls brought me slightly more joy than pain. Badass kid is badass - even if she is being abused by pretty much every single other person in the movie.

She looks like John Lennon. Now that's look I can get behind.

I have never seen three action sequences in a row this predictable. Action cliches all over the place.

This is so fucking stupid. I cannot see a single good reason for bullets that explode 5 seconds AFTER they are fired, when the target is lying dead on the ground.

This movie makes me think about child abuse and Samuel L. Jackson's way of choosing which movies to be in.

Please stop having the child appear only wearing underwear, a towel, etc.

Wow, wow, wow - that was some next level video game cut scene quality stuff. I will once again say that this movie would work far better as a first-person video game.

Hold up, hold up, hold up. This is fucking beautiful. Where did she even get that red flannel shirt? Color schemes, they sure know how to do. <takes screenshot to go with this post>

Top bad guys talks too much. Yes, I get it - this is the top bad guy.

Was that a dinner course pun? I truly hope it was.

Now THAT's a meat-cleaver (if you want to split a whole big with one strike).

Head? ... HEAD!!!

Wait, that cut needed some explanation as to what happened between those two scenes.

I am honestly pleased that it seems that her godfather is actually the bad guy in all of this. Cop abusing child SHOULD be the bad guy in the story - not half-brained drug-lord.

Ah fuck. Within less than 5 seconds, enough beautiful shots were shown that I could fill up all the empty spaces on my walls. This does not fit with how shit this movie is.

Argh. You used that "this is as far as I go" line. Too cliche, even for you. (Though again, something which is said in video games over and over and over again.)

Wait, this is the big reveal? I thought this "twist" was revealed 10 minutes ago. Wasn't I meant to notice?

Bang, bang, bang. Movie over. No?

That is some solid smouldering.

And to end it all, a few more beautifully shot scenes. Fitting.

Credits - with more bad music.

- - - 

Post movie comment: Apparently that "child" was 20 years old. Looked closer to 10 to me.


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-10-04)

Watching a Knock Knock and Rambling
If I were to ever watch a newer Keanu Reeves/Nicolas Cage movie again, I'd had to do so while writing down my rambling stream on consciousness throughout the movie. And so I will be. Here goes - wait, is that actually it's name - Knock Knock (2015)...

- - -

Okay, this might be a bad decision. I'm watching a Keanu Reeves movie - and my current beer is the last one I have.

Calm and ominous intro; reminds me of Lakeview Terrace (2008) - though I am certain this movie won't be anywhere near that level of quality.

Okay, seriously. Who has THAT many photos of themselves on their walls? And in that large a format?

Shit, Keanu is looking old and ugly. Why is that beautiful girl with him?

Argh. So much bad acting so far.

I really hope this is supposed to be weird fever dream.

Okay, this is really (REALLY) bad. It has been a long time since I've seen something this badly written (and executed). It is painful to experience.

Plot setup feeling extremely forced.

Argh shit, even the editing is bad.

Argh fuck, the painfully bad dialogue again. This is going to be really bad.

And bad acting again. I really shouldn't say "again" as it never stopped being bad.

This is honestly feeling a lot like a parody, trying to be as bad as possible. But I don't think that is the case (unfortunately).

Why is the rain 2D while everything else is 3D? Did they even try?

Again with the GIANT photos on the walls of the family. Is this normal?

This is bad. Like, really bad - and not in the amusing way.

They could at least have chosen some decent music.

Hot girls knock knock on the door. I now understand the title of the movie; doesn't make it any less painful to watch.

The weird pauses without actually seeming hesitant. This is simply bad all around.

Stop using the word "random" like that!

Well, since I've watched half the trailer, I already know the whole plot. Sigh.

And now foreshadowing in the most forced way possible.

Is this movie sponsored by Uber?

Okay, whoever wrote this movie is either extremely stupid or simply hates good writing.

She got an awesome name - and the awesomeness is ruined within a second by Keanu. Sigh.

This movie wouldn't have been saved if Keanu was replaced by a good actor. But it would have helped a damn lot.

I'm beginning to realize that the plot so far could have been a decent character exploration story. But this is kind of the opposite.

Every line Keanu delivers feels forced. I hate it.

His lines are TERRIBLE! On the other hand, the two girls' lines are pretty usual and decent - for the most part.

OW! I doubt I've ever seen that bad acting in a so-called professional movie.

Sigh, foreshadowing all over the place. And they are not being subtle about it.

Okay, dude, who have no idea who to handle a record: Step away from the mixer.

Dude, I don't agree with your use of "obversely".

Suddenly Uber!

Suddenly boobs!

Sexy time with a whole lot of jump cuts and nothing really shown. 

Okay, something is off here. They are acting differently and I don't hate it.

Back to the bad - and weird. Sigh.

I'm not even halfway through the movie and I'm seriously considering stopping it - something I rarely do (like, extremely rarely). This is a bad movie - and not amusingly bad or even bearably bad. Just plain bad.

Bad acting Keane. The girls, not as bad.

Okay, this is a waste of my time. I'm ending it. Bye, movie.

Sigh.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-10-09)

Magic Mike Rambling Stream of Consciousness
I've several times before made posts where I shared my random (and rambling) thoughts throughout movies I upfront predicted I wouldn't be able to take seriously. You can find these posts at reviews.reschat.com where they are labeled "ramblings".

Now it is time for yet another such post. This time I've chosen a movie about male strippers: Magic Mike (2012). I'm not sure how I feel about this choice of movie - but let's see...

- - -

It is starting out with Matthew McConaughey touching himself while a whole bunch of women are screaming loudly. Well, at least he's not naked.

And, BOOM, cut to a completely naked Channing Tatum.

And then a topless Olivia Munn. And yet another naked girl. What kind of movie is this?

I'm not sure if this movie already is funny or I just find it weird that I'm watching a movie about male strippers alone while not being the slightest bit drunk. Anyway, I'm laughing.

Wait, they went from fun scenes with naked people to a long stretch of serious stuff? That was kind of boring but I guess they have to establish the characters somehow.

Anyway, that Schwarzenegger impersonation was hilariously bad.

Those male strippers look more like wrestlers than strippers. Well, except for Matthew McConaughey with his torch (and, no, that's not a euphemism).

What is fuck is going on? What are those umbrella for?

I should have seen that coming. It's Raining Men is the first song they strip to.

That stripper looks like Mickey Rourke. That is weird.

They brought out all the male stripper stereotypes in a single clip sequence.

Matthew McConaughey got a seriously intense stare when watching another guy stripping. It is kind of hilarious.

I don't think there could be any more singles in those boxers.

This feels a little bit like a recruitment film for male stripping.

And here comes the romantic part of the movie.

A friendly offer misunderstood as sexism. Funny stuff.

What the fuck is that ridiculous looking training outfit Matthew McConaughey is wearing? His character is fucking hilarious.

And now he is trying to seduce his own reflection in the mirror.

Why do I have the feeling that "suit up" means something else in this movie?

Serious girl is very serious.

First gay joke. Wow, that took the movie a long time.

How serious the serious girl is being while watching her brother strip is absolutely hilarious.

Holy shit, the movie just went from very quiet to having tons of women screaming very loudly in less than a second.

Why so serious, serious girl? Not a single smile during the whole strip show. That's cold.

Channing Tatum dressed as Marilyn Monroe while making fart jokes is completely hilarious.

Is that a smile? Considering how serious she has been so far, I think it counts.

Now she's even laughing. About damn time.

Olivia Munn is obviously hitting on serious girl and serious girl is having none of it.

Some of these strippers are clearly more into humping the floor than others.

"You do not need to talk; just look pretty" said the shrink to the stripper.

A stature of yourself in your own house? That is both weird and awesome.

Staring intensely at a half-naked girl feeding a teacup pig with a bottle. That is kind of weird; not the feeding part but the staring part.

Sport-fucking a stripper vampire? Serious girl has gotten a sense of humor.

Another stripper cliche followed by a whole damn lot of girls screaming.

And this time the screaming just keeps going on and on and on. This is getting annoying.

The Mickey Rourke-looking guy is wearing a dress. No words.

There's the teacup pig again, in the middle of a scene with drug-rage-fucking. What the hell?

Serious girl is so mad that she just bitch-slapped a topless, unconscious, pink-haired girl while the teacup pig was eating her brother's vomit. That scene was glorious.

Apparently this movie can actually pull off a serious scene quite well, even after all the weirdness.

The movie took a turn for the sadder and now this stripping scene seems kind of depressing.

However, tear-away pants are still funny.

Channing Tatum crying is making me sad. I thought this was supposed to a happy fun-time movie.

Good. It ended with a smile.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2013-01-03)

Watching Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again and Rambling in Joy
I stopped the trailer halfway through. I didn't need anymore to make up my mind. I knew; this was a movie I just had to see.
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018) is the sequel to a movie I watched on a transatlantic flight some years back - and which the trailer for invoked even more joy than the first movie.
So, let us see if my fuss is justified.

Here we go (again)...

- - -

Or, as the title card says - MAMMA MIA! Here we go again!

This is already joyous. ABBA songs are just amazing.

I think I only remember the very primary gist of the first movie. Can I follow the plot of the sequel without fully remembering the first movie?

Wait, what happened to three-time-Oscar-winner Meryl Streep? Why are they hanging a giant photo of her on the wall and talking about her in the past tense? :’-(

Singing ABBA as your graduation speech. You go, girl!

Full ABBA outfits underneath your graduation gowns. Awesome.

Plot twist. The girl, singing about kissing her teacher, is not referring to the uncomfortable looking male teacher, but rather the female teacher.

And that song was immediately followed by the girl disappointingly saying: "She didn't come!!! She didn't come." - Though later revealed to not be about the teacher she kissed; what a tease of a film. I love it. :-P

Let me guess. She is going to Greece?

They seem drunk.

Very, very drunk.

Even instrumental ABBA sounds amazing.

The plot-line to make sure the present time guy love-interest isn't there does seem kinda rushed. Though, it worked; he's not there - it’s just the women. :-)

Damn. I forgot how much I love ABBA songs. Reminds me of that day in Prague, where three guys from uni where dancing and singing ABBA songs in an empty train/gondola car to much confusion of the conductor.

These women are bargaining over how much of this man they each will get in percentage.

I think the plot is coming back to me now. Young Streep is going to sleep with three men - resulting in her getting pregnant and one of the men realizing he is gay. And, as far as I know, we never learn who the father is - 'cause, it doesn't really matter. I do however wonder, which guy will turn out to be gay.

Even the old man playing piano in a restaurant in France decades ago is playing ABBA.

Okay, this is the gay one, right? Because, damn, this is damn gay and damn beautiful. :'-D

Oh, he's really playing that baguette... and taking it to his mouth?

Again with taking phallic objects up to his face.

This musical number is amazing - and with some truly hilarious shenanigans going on.

Ah, Bill seems nice. Is he Scandinavian?

Oh, ya. He's Swedish. Fitting.

There's so much joy in this movie. It's amazing.

Wait, what is this? An ABBA song I haven't heard before? What?!?!

Who is this guy? I can't tell if he is 20 or 50.

Heh. To be fair though, the girl he was chasing might be 20 or 50 too.

These transitions between present time and back-then are seamless.

Headline: Girl Just Want to Have Fun; Utterly Ruins Staircase.

Wow, this all of a sudden became very dramatic.

Ah, shit. Her party is ruined. :-(

I really dig how Young Streep is the one in control, the one taking initiative, and the one driving the story forward. The guys - are just - kinda - there. Decorations, if you may. Fitting.

ABBA musicals are some of the best kinds of musicals.

Wait, weren't some internet people having a debate some time back about whether or not these Mamma Mia movies were musicals or not, since the characters actually know they are singing, and not just singing about what is happening without knowing they’re singing? Or am I confused and that debate was actually about something else?

Here we have Young Streep yet again saying that she never sleeps with guys right away - after she has slept with three different guys in three days (one of which got her pregnant (spoilers!) and one of which turned out be gay). Girl, you need to own your decisions. You're just living your best life and need no excuses.

Young Streep is really looking and moving a lot like three-time-Oscar-winner Meryl Streep. This is some good casting.

Goat reaction shot, followed by goat chase scene. Perfection!

Dude. You screwed up. Big time.

They are really making the best of already amazing ABBA songs. This is a very fitting duet - which I can't even remember if originally were a duet.

This suddenly feels like an anime version of the auction scene from Phantom of the Opera. What?

Wait, what? The guy from Thor got, like, really obese. Eh?

AH! It wasn't him. It was his TWIN! What a twist!

She's riding backwards on a horse while dragging along an ass on a rope after her. There's a joke in there somewhere.

I squee a little every time a new ABBA song starts. Having an ABBA musical bless our lives is really something to be thankful for. :'-)

Mamma Mia - here I go again. THIS IS JUST TOO DAMN AMAZING!

Romantically referring to scattering someone's ashes, who you don't even know yet, is just a bit too much.

Oh - I would be remissed if I didn't mention how amazing Christine Baranski is in this. A perfect fit.

I think I might love this movie even more than the first one.

WHAT? Christine Baranski elegantly and effortlessly jumping over a table completely took me by surprise.

By the way, Greece is more beautiful than I remember. Wait, have I been to Greece?

This old Greek lady is amazing and hilarious! "It's called karma and it's pronounced HA!"

I still haven't solved the mystery about which of these three men, each having slept with Young Streep in the same week, who is the... gay one.

Three women with their three soulmates - carbs, wine, and the sky.

I really hope this movie was as much fun to film as it looks like. Boats filled with dancing, happy people. Boatloads of fun!

A group of people dancing down a road to meet groups of dancing people, arriving by sailboats, all coming together with a giant dance on the beach. AMAZING!

Aww. Everything about this movie is utterly amazing. I love it. :'-)

Return of old Greek lady! She was apparently the one who sat all of this into motion in the first place!!! (Wait, did she age at all in those ~30 years?)

Yep, this is definitely managing to top the first movie. :-)

Yep, it has everything. Even an overly-dramatic last-minute entrance-by-helicopter diva moment with motherfucking CHER!!!

Awww! They got together! Well, in addition to everyone else who got together.

Also, who is Cher in all of this?

Oh, the grandmother.

Wait, how young is this great-grandmother? 'Cause she looks kinda young to be a great-grandmother.

They really know how to use the ABBA songs for maximum effect. This is a damn perfect movie.

It doesn't come much more close to the perfect musical than this.

No. What a twist! Cher and Fernando (whose first name I don't think we knew) getting a duet. There's something in the air tonight. :-)

The look of awe and joy in the eyes of the bystanders is truly amazing. So amazing. (I truly hope it was just the actors’ honest reaction - ‘cause it doesn’t seem unlikely at all.)

I really, really, really love that these two Mamma Mia movies don't at all try to insinuate that one of the three fathers are the "correct" one. All three of them are equally her dad. Just as it should be.

Christine Baranski instructing a man that he will find happiness again (completely referring to herself) is damn straight gangsta of her.

This is such a complete movie. Any other sequel pales in comparison.

YAY!!! O.G. STREEP IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Singing from beyond the grave. :'-)

Hey girl in the background, being so excited to see Streep and Young Streep duet that your eyes are almost literal hearts and you keep biting your lip: Me also. Me also.

Wait, what is this? A post-movie number? Okay - I'm so here for this!

You go, girl! This is filling me with so much joy.

DEFINITELY THE BEST CREDITS EVER!!!

I don't even care what anyone else says; this is definitely one of the absolutely best movies of 2018! So. Damn. Perfect.

Young and "old" Christine Baranski singing together and me not being able to tell them apart just show how amazing casting this movie has.

Wow. Wow. Wow. What a masterpiece of a movie. FUCK! This was so, so, so much better than I ever dared to hope for. Truly a magnificent piece of cinema that only people who are dead inside can deny the greatness of. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I don't know how to end this; I am truly in awe of how much joy this movie has made me feel. I’m so thankful for the experience and so confused as what to do with myself now - as in this very moment; perhaps putting ABBA in my ears and taking a bike ride?

If you haven't watched Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018), I can only say that you really to do so. Get you (and perhaps some friends together), put it on a screen with some great speakers and let the experience embrace you. You won't regret it. 

YAY! YAY! YAY! Post-credit scene with one of the best side-characters getting to sing a song, perfect for him. YAY!

... and like that the movie is over; and I've put in my earphones and am rocking along to ABBA's greatest hits, as I take my bike down to the store to buy some (more) white wine, because, hot damn, this feeling is worth keeping flowing. :-)

Thank you, movie.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2018-10-13)

Watching Mean Girls and Rambling
You know the drill - I watch a movie I write down my rambling stream of consciousness. This time I'm watching Mean Girls (2004) which I last watched when it came out.

Geronimo!

- - -

I feel like I should start this with a battle cry like "FOR TUMBLR!" or something...

Awwww! Shit, I'm already liking this.

Man fighting the dinosaurs? And the homosexuals?

The Lohan girl is looking pretty youngHOLY SHIT, WAS THAT A BUS?!?!

Is that Tina Fey? This is already looking up.

The first bad acting isn't even from Lohan. Surprise, surprise.

"Too gay to function"? Is that even a thing? [Suppressing urge to tag a certain subset of gay friends]

From "eww" to "that's beautiful" in 2 seconds. Well done.

Sex = death. I remember this part... I mean, from the last time I watched the movie.

Chest bumping a ball. Nice.

The devil played by... Regina George! (No surprise.)

I wonder how accurate this movie portray US high school.

Telling someone to shut up who isn't saying anything.

I am all of a sudden understanding so many memes and sayings from Tumblr.

Holy chinchilla, this movie is hilarious.

That scene made something in my brain break a little bit.

How can one character be portrayed as so stupid and so brilliant at the very same time?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! AMY POEHLER? This movie has both comedy queens.

Calling someone an "axe wound" as an insult? Perfect!

This movie gets better and better (I say as another Tina Fey scene is making me loud out aloud).

October 3rd!

Dumbing down yourself for a boy? Not the way to go.

That is one foxy Catwoman.

"That's a scary mask, bro." - THAT'S HER FACE!

Army of Skanks? Army of Darkness sequel?

I like the weird, sudden Africa animal kingdom references.

"Moved to Indiana" apparently means "doesn't exist anymore."

Epic moment which I've seen thousands of times in GIFs on Tumblr.

What? The song "Beautiful" is this old?

Hubba hubba hubba.

How can this be parody of a TV phenomenon that only began years later? Am I getting my US timeline mixed up?

Is that where "stop making X happen; it's not going to happen" came from? This movie surely is the origin of life.

They are using that song again? Not that I complain - though it makes me want to rewatch Coyote Ugly.

Those are not skirts; those are napkins cut in half.

SHE UNDERSTANDS!!!

What does 'half a virgin' mean? What does 'virgin' mean?

No, why did you stop her? I wanted to see her put her whole fist in her mouth.

"Everyone in Africa can read Swedish." WHY IS THIS THE FIRST I HEAR OF THIS?!?!?

YEAH! Tina Fey tells the truth!

More US teenage stereotypes.

CDs! So retro.

They are insulting the word "awesome"; how dare they?

What does "fugly" even mean?

Regina George gives the devil a run for his money.

Ooh, the statutory rapist has fled the school property? Oh, how terrible. /s

There it is - the legendary scene. Epic.

This movie has some very necessary messages. Unfortunately more necessary today than in 2004.

Oh, here it comes... The scene!

OH FUCK! I knew it was coming but I still screamed.

Why is attempted murder a joke in high school?

Marijuana tablets?

Tears? WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE?

The music is pretty damn great.

Why the hell is this movie still so relevant today? Was it even relevant in 2004?

Stop it! I will not cry because of a prom queen speech!

Who wrote this? IT IS AMAZING!

Shark Tank?

Triple murder?

The end. Fucking amazing movie!

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-02-07)

Watching Netflix Suggestion and Rambling
Oh, some new suggestion on Netflix. And this time not a movie I've already seen and already like/love. I wonder what this is. <Click>. Let's see - and I guess I can write down my rambling stream of consciousness while doing so.

Here we go...

- - -

I actually don't know what this is.

Oh, it looks Halloweeny.

She seems angry. OH SHIT! Demon girl!

Or perhaps rather, goblin girl.

Oh, RL Stine. I'm pretty such I've seen a series for children about this author's "scary" stories before.

Is this the same as Goosebumps?

Yea'. The awesome girl (actress) from... ehh... that movie about the Disney villian children. Descendants - was that what it was called?

NO! Bad acting already? Sigh.

Scary movie marathon for Halloween? Sounds like fun. When is this US Halloween holiday anyway?

Lining up for Halloween line dancing contest?

And they are singing.

One thing I've learned so far. The teenage boys can't act for shit - while the teenage girls aren't half bad at this.

Suddenly I'm reminded why white, male, interchangeable porn actors get paid so little.

Is this a Disney Channel movie? Because it kind of reminds me of the one about the beach party alternate universe movie.

What the fuck is "a main squeeze"?

Stop the fucking teenage romance stuff.

What the fuck? Is that old man hitting on that child?

Wait, so the ephebophile man, hitting on the young girl, is actually named "Hunter"? And the girl's friend is referring to her being the "prey"? And all of this is a non-issue for all of them? What the actual fuck?

So new girl's name is Lilith? Like the demon?

Buh, buh, buh. Yes, much scary and stuff. Haunted house sigh.

-||- for 15 minutes.

Why is that only the female actors know the concept of subtlety?

I fucking hate Hunter. Not only is he a creepy, older ephebophile - but he is also a characterless and manipulative man.

Reminder to self: When a woman is using the same, manipulative seduction tactics on young boys as ephebophile Hunter is using on young girls, I really should be equally creeped out. But I'm not. I wonder why that is?

Mirrors are creepy.

So many creepy background characters.

There's some kind of plot here that I'm not quite getting.

Why are all these kids' dreams about them being the center of attention?

No, fuck you, Hunter. You are an adult, taking a child on a date. NOT OKAY!

Please, someone, decapitate Hunter.

Suddenly, magical closet doorway to another dimension/universe. Where have I seen that before?

Okay, at least this is a slight redeeming character trait for ephebophile Hunter - he doesn't believe the girl's story and is concerned about her mental state. He might not know that he is manipulating the child but only acting on instinct. 

Why do these kids keep referring to the adults as "girls" and "boys"?

I just learned the main character's name. It is Beth! And I'm only 2/3 through the movie. This is actually a slight improvement from my usual rate. Heck, when I watched "Paper Towns" earlier this evening I never learned the name of the main character at all.

Wait, is she evil? I thought.... Oh, fuck. I got manipulated by her charm to think she was on my side.

Is this what US high schools are like? Lockers, cliques, jocks, taunting, mocking, sadness, etc?

Is that Putin on the wall alongside all the US presidents?

AND IS THAT RON SWANSON ON THE WALL TOO?

Who ever thought that clowns were funny?

WITCH TACKLE!

Did Beth just sum up the whole movie plot for me in 9½ seconds? Thank you.

So many horror tropes.

Catherine Zeta Jones. That's who this women is reminding me of - and why I think it is so creepy that she is hitting on a young boy, who looks like he could be 14 years old.

FUCK HUNTER!

So the boy's fantasy is that Beth is a badass and that he still is able to step in and kick Hunter's ass with Beth's help? Well, that is... not bad.

Wait, I'm confused. What is up with this boy and the other boy? I thought they were the same character. Hell, who can tell white teenage boys apart?

NO! Not Hunter again!

FUCK HUNTER!

Step 1: Call the police when your friends get kidnapped.
Step 2: None of what is going on right now is happening and instead the police are taking care of things.

Hunter creeps me the fuck out.

Symbolism. Symbolic of what, I have no idea. Still, symbolism!

Beth is finally asking Hunter who/what he is? Hint: he is a manipulative, evil ephebophile.

Wait, the best friend has turned into the witch from '96 Robin Hood?

Those are some, not planned, dilated pupils.

Again with the genuine and moving acting? Girl, don't you know what kind of movie you're in?

Dear, whoever is making all these movies, please stop making young teenage girls get obsessed with their "romantic" interests (especially evil or older romantic interests). Especially when it is so easy not to include that one trope - and even easier to replace romance with friendship.

No, this is not just "oh, another happy ending". This girl has been kidnapped and tortured for years, and now she is finally free again. THAT is the story. Not the romance between the "good boy" and the "main girl". Heck, I will even go so far to say that it is downright insulting to the situation to focus on something as insignificant as a kiss between two teenagers when multiple other stories are way, way, way more severe and important. For fuck sake, you were the ones to choose a story where people die - and still you dare to focus on a teenage kiss? FUCK YOU!

Yes, this is a comedy - but when including stories THAT tragic, you can't simply ignore them after having introduced them in order to entertain. HELL NO! FUCK YOU (AND HUNTER)!

Happy ending, my ass.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-10-03)

Watching Pitch Perfect and Rambling
Aka. I Blame +Annie Yim.

Once in a while I write down my rambling streams of consciousness as I watch a movie and then post it here on Google+. Back when I first watched Pitch Perfect (2012) I regretted not doing this and I just posted a review instead: https://goo.gl/j7FSC. However, mere minutes ago +Annie Yim got me in the mood for more Pitch Perfect so I've chosen to write down my ramblings while rewatching the movie. Here we go...

- - -

A cappella Universal 100th Anniversary title sequence. Instant grin.

Well, a cappella is not very badass, no-matter how hard you try.

Chauvinistic jokes that reminds me of Fox News.

Projectile vomiting saves the day.

Stereotypical uber nerd.

Are those nipples larger than the actual breasts?

All these weird college clubs reinforces my prejudices about USA.

What the fuck is going on in the background? Are those kids worshiping the devil or trying to dance without music?

I only this moment realized that "choke you out" doesn't necessarily refer to something sexual.

THE PROCLAIMERS! YEAH!!!

Naked shower ambush resulting in a Titanium duet. This movie got it all.

Over-dramatic McLoving is hilarious.

Audition compilation sequence is as stereotypical as expected and I enjoy it very much.

And here comes Anna Kendrick's cup song which I'm perhaps a little more exited for than I should be.

"I'm not drunk at all; you're just blurry." Oh, that feeling.

Hypersexualized girl is apparently referring to her vagina as a 'he'.

Referring to a cappella as 'a war' seems like a bit of a stretch.

Almost-mute girl makes the best comments.

Hypersexualized girl seems to not be able to stop grabbing her own boobs (and nether regions). I do not judge.

Guys seem to be lifting up their shirts to show off their abs more than I remember.

Pointing out the obviousness behind the name 'Vader' ('father' in German) is something that a lot of people completely miss.

I have to admit that this a cappella battle is more badass than I ever could have imagined.

Anna Kendrick rapping! HELL YEAH!

...followed by a very awkward silence. Well, I liked it.

When moments of sincerity don't feel out of place in a movie like this, something is done very right.

Putting "aca" before words is no more ridiculous than doing the same with "cheer." Hilarious ridiculousness either way though.

Sexual innuendo commentary to a cappella sock puppets. I want to high-five whoever came up with this.

Did hypersexualized girl just break the 4th wall?

This lullaby is not very exciting.

What the fuck is 'sport sandals'?

The a cappella commentators remind me more and more of Fox News anchors.

A cappella fans with face paint? Okay.

I very much appreciate that the movie also has music with instruments.

Getting hit with a sandwich apparently does not require resuscitation by mouth to mouth.

Almost-mute Asian girl has mad pen-swinging skills.

Making weird noises while trying to come up with a good lie does not do wonders for your credibility.

Being a pyromaniac is apparently adorable when revealed in whisper (by a cute girl; that part is important).

Yep, I'm getting moved by a movie about a cappella. Who would have thought?

I'm realizing that I in these comments have spelled 'a cappella' in various different ways. I better fix that in post before sharing this.

Suddenly guy appears from the sword-penetrated box. MAGIC!

That is quite a lot of guys in that hot tub.

Massive amounts of projectile vomiting.

Making snow angels in a pool of vomit. Disgusting, though still funny.

Improvising a group a cappella song mashup with perfect harmony is kind of ridiculous but, hell, it does sound good.

What the fuck are those guys wearing? Children's bath robes?

This performance gives me flashbacks to 'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, and all the other '90s boy bands.

The Breakfast Club to the rescue; again.

This performance is several kinds of awesome. Who would ever have thought I would say that about a cappella.

Commentator's chauvinism being called out. If only someone at Fox News would do the same.

'Belly roll' instead of 'drum roll' should really be more of a thing.

Movie over. That was as awesome as the first time around (though less surprising for obvious reasons).

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2013-04-07)

Precious Cargo Ramblings
For the first time ever I have a movie on my "I need to watch this movie" list with a "ramblings" note. So now when I finally have a chance to watch this movie, I feel like I need to do so while writing down my stream of consciousness. Oh, the movie is Precious Cargo (2016) - and I have absolutely no idea what kind of movie this is or why I added it to my list.

Here we go...

- - -

Kind of a good beat during the production company sequence. Not a bad start.

Uh! I know that bearded face. So that's why I added it to the list?

So many guns - this early. And the first comment is "you're late". :-P

What?

Hehe! This is downright stupid. I like it!

I actually just stopped the movie and googled the main actor because he didn't look like I remembered him. Turns out a slightly bigger beard (and 1-2 years to his age) made him look a lot more sophisticated. I liked that older look better - now he almost look like a child in comparison. Either way - on with the movie.

Oh! And there is another reason I added this movie to my list - Badass Sniper Girl.

This movie has a TV series like intro. Why?

Several other familiar faces. I didn't know Die Hard and... eh... That Other Woman... were in this movie.

Die Hard is not a friendly man. Let me guess - he is the bad guy?

Loaning your sniper's dog in order to impress a kindhearted woman. Oh, how romantic?

That Other Woman (pregnant) walks in on Mike Lawson having sex with Kindhearted Woman - and says: "Use a condom" - and walks out.

Wait, it is the middle of the day? I thought this was a date night.

I'm renaming "That Other Woman" to "Hungry Pregnant Woman" because - damn - that woman keep stuffing chocolate cake into her face despite armed forces shooting at her.

I wonder what the "precious cargo" is that the title "Precious Cargo" refers to.

They keep bickering... while being in a boat chase... while getting shot at. Sigh.

Mike Lawson is more worried that Badass Sniper Girl's dog is okay than whether his date or the woman carrying his child are.

WOW! Regular Girl just used a gun to get a bad guy off his jet-ski - by throwing the gun. I guess, whatever works.

Side note: Either the script is really bad or the actors are. I guess the former, since I've seen most of these people do well in other stuff.

I'm still confused as to whether Mike Lawson (the main guy) is bulletproof or not. He somewhat acts like he's not.

Sending off Kindhearted Woman to a hotel while Mike Lawson and A PREGNANT WOMAN fight off the heavily armed bad guys. Yes, sure.

Heh. I kind of sense that Kindhearted Woman likes the dog more than she like her date. I kind of get that, since the dog didn't cause her to get shot at my gangsters.

Kind of friendly bodyguard is giving the hired sex objects a finance lesson? WTF?

Kind of friendly bodyguard is using extremely aggressive and threatening language while smiling and seeming friendly. I'm confused.

I'm confused by the acting of these people. IT IS TERRIBLE!!! And I know they can act - in all other shit but this.

Even Die Hard is bad at acting in this. I guess it is for sure - it is the fault of the writer(s) and director(s).

Shit. This is a bad script.

Ah! I know see why I added this to my list with a "ramblings" note. Amazing actors, ridiculous plot, and a crappy (CRAPPY!) script. Perfect to ramble at.

Badass Sniper Girl is back - playing golf (or rather attempting to).

I have a feeling about why Badass Sniper Girl is a kind of cool character compared to all the others. The crappy writer(s) wrote a male character intending to be played by a guy - and someone, along the way, cast a girl to play the role instead (without the approval of the writer). Still crappy writing - just slightly more badass than usual.

Script still bad - but at least in this scene there is some mediocre country music. Heck, you take what you can get with this movie.

Random girl walks into a bar with a pee-soaked sheet - and delivers the most believable performance of the movie so far. I don't even care anymore - I just appreciate this one acceptable scene.

Now I even more see why I was confused by Mike Lawson's look. Now, without clothes, I can see he is thinner than what I'm used to seeing him as. I know that sounded weird - but, to be fair, he looks too skinny in this movie.

I keep forgetting that in the first scene of this movie, Mike Lawson got shot in the head, point blank, and nothing happened. I'm still confused about that.

This is like the Avengers recruitment sequence - except extremely pathetic and with terrible, low-life pieces of scum instead of kind-of superheroes.

Hungry Pregnant Woman's role in their big operation (what operation?) is "staying in the bar because she is fat and pregnant". She is not happy about her role. Let me guess: She doesn't stay put?

Did Hungry Pregnant Woman just give Badass Sniper Girl the elevator look?

I almost thought this movie was doing the whole "lesbian sex scene for no reason" for a few seconds there. Though, since I suspect that Badass Sniper Girl was written as a guy, that probably explains why nothing happened.

Okay, wait. Why would that guy put small rocks into the front end of his shotgun and then put a condom on it afterwards?

Ooh... Badass Sniper Girl looking badass as fuck!

Big plan is in play. What the plan is about, I still have no fucking clue.

Ridiculous chase scene with almost all the typical cliches. Sigh.

Who the fuck transport diamonds like that?

Shit. That's kind of a surprise. Expecting something despicably gruesome and getting... eh.. whatever that was instead.

Badass Sniper Girl to the rescue.

Hmm... I watched The Accountant right before this movie (which was way, way, way, way better) - but, still, Badass Sniper Girl in this one kind of reminds me a tiny bit of main guy in The Accountant. Calm, collected, and a badass with a sniper. Admirable attributes.

Oh, no. Badass Sniper Girl is hurt. :-(

Wait, is "the bigger plan" also all about money? For the fuck sake... WHO CARES!!!

These people are ridiculous.

Okay, Badass Sniper Girl's name is "Logan" - and she is hurt and need to regenerate. Come on, Wolverine!

That's the best reaction a girl in a coma has ever had to the suggestion that some guy should kiss her while she isn't awake - with some guy saying "She is sleeping. What is she going to do?". She turns her head, opens her eyes, and says: "She'll break your fucking face, that's what she'll do." <standing ovation from me>

If I got a cellphone in a bag, with a note on it saying "hit redial" - I would have no idea what to do. Because I have no idea, how to "hit redial" on a phone.

I don't get a single thing about what is going on right now. They are trying to create some redemption story arc that ties the whole story together - but I truly don't understand it. What the hell are they rambling about?

Wait, wait, wait. The drunk, jealous girlfriend of the alcoholic driver is now on their super secret "elite" squad?

I now see what they are doing - this is like Ocean's Eleven, only way, way worse.

For fuck shake! They replaced Badass Sniper Girl with Drunk Jealous Girlfriend. And they expect me to believe that she, all of a sudden, is just an excellent marksman?

I kind of both hate and like that their plan counts on an army of mercenaries don't shooting at a guy in a speedo (and nothing else) hanging out the door of an ice cream truck.

Okay, I wasn't seeing wrong at the beginning of the movie. Mike Lawson just got shot the hell down once again... and I'm expecting him to get up in a second. Though at some point, they kind of need to explain this - as it seems a lot of the characters just kind of goes along with him being bulletproof.

What? Now the guy who shot Mike Lawson seems to know that he couldn't hurt Mike Lawson? I'm confused.

I understand nothing about what is going on right now.

They actually have it as a part of this shootout scene that whenever someone calls 911, they reach one of the bad guys in the shootout - who suddenly gets all calm and responds "we have people on the way" or some shit like that. WHY?

YAY! Badass Sniper Girl is back!

As we are nearing the end, the script is still terrible.

Best line in the movie - quoting another movie. Figures.

Mike Lawson bought a dog, instead of loaning one, in order to impress the regular girl again. Sigh.

Regular Girl is way too forgiving for Mike Lawson almost getting her killed.

Fuck! This incredibly bad writing again. Can't this movie keep an "okay" streak going?

Playing golf with a cellphone that is spewing out horrible bad clique lines. I guess that is an okay finish. Not great - just okay.

The end credits even have horizontal selfie videos... and bloopers. I kind of feel like event the editors knew this movie was shit.

Yes, this shit of a movie is over. Damn, it was terrible.

Wait, did they ever explain how the main character didn't get a scratch from the many, many times he got shot (even three times point blank - at least of which were directly to the head)? No? Terrible movie!

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2016-12-27)

My Rambling Resident Evil: Retribution Stream of Consciousness
I've a few times before done a rambling stream of consciousness while watching a few different movies. Today I attacked Resident Evil: Retribution (2012) and here are my ramblings throughout the movie:

- - -

Why am I watching this movie when I'm expecting it to be even worse than the previous one in the series and that one was total crap?

Oh, a slow-motion scene playing backwards. How cool! /s

Summing up the previous movies in a weird clip-show-like thing. I actually saw this coming.

ZOMBIES!!! I was a little afraid this movie would have skipped normal zombies entirely.

Aside from the first few minutes this is actually working so far. I didn't expect that.

Baseball bat to the face! BOOYAH!

Wait, I thought she was dead? What the fuck is going on?

Wait a minute, perhaps still is all a dream? Or a simulation? Or something like that? That would suck.

Not a single moment with "what's what she said"-potential yet. Disappointing.

Zombies have gotten uglier since my time.

Just as I thought...

She's quite naked but they're making sure not to show anything at any point. Always something blocking the view.

That costume looks ridiculous.

Oh, I had completely forgotten about that mind-controlling tech.

This movie certainly didn't get the memo that "less is more." This feels a little over the top.

HEY! She stole that move from Jackie Chan!

At least those Japanese people got a sense of style.

I'm already annoyed by the slow-motion. Cut that shit out!

It keeps switching between different speeds. Slow-motion on and off the whole time for no apparent reason.

Hair-flip in slow-motion? Really?

And several "shoot at camera" scenes in slow-motion. Is this what action movies have become? A poor attempt at making anything feel 3D?

More hair-flips in slow-motion. Why?

Attempts at cool one-liners. Failing miserably.

That seemed a lot like a video game mission brief. Not very well done.

Wait, so have everything so far just been a setup for... eh... I don't even know what?

BOOYAH! The Red Queen is back! Evil children that are actually extremely powerful artificially intelligent computers make me feel at home.

That sounds like the soundtrack from Doom II. That I like.

Oh, that guy again. They really want to make this feel like a video game.

IT'S HAMMERTIME!

Every action scene continuous to be in slow-motion. This is crap.

USSR zombie soldiers! I didn't see that coming.

Stating something so clearly obvious that you would think the creators of this movie consider their audience to be extremely stupid. Well, I could see that... Wait a minute!

Blasting a zombie to pieces in a very pink room seems kind of fun.

Zombies aim for shit. But then again, they're dead so I guess I can't blame them.

She really swept him off his feet. Literary.

This movie goes from action scene to action scene with minimal context or purpose.

That is the lowest velocity projectile ever. I could have baked a cake in the time it took for the bullet to travel a few meters.

How can they fail at making an USSR zombie soldier with a chainsaw seem cool?

Wait? Are the signs for "I love you" and "death metal" the same in sign language?

Sometimes I wonder where the bad guy's bullets are hitting because they certainly aren't hitting the good guys.

EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!

EVERYTHING IS EXPLODING!

This movie is made by a bunch of drunk guys saying "You know what would be cool?" and going with every single suggestion.

Wait, was that a side-mission?

More pointless over-the-top sci-fi tech which serves absolutely no purpose other than to show off someone's "cool" idea.

Either this guy is a bad actor or someone thought it would be a good idea to have him act like his character from the video game.

Is this a throw-back to Aliens? Because this movie does not deserve to reference something as awesome as Aliens.

Yep, this is a reference to Aliens. Fuck.

I haven't commented on the almost constant slow-motion in a while. Well, it's still there, all the fucking time.

That looks a lot like a scene from Half-Life 2. Hmm...

Yet another damn annoying example of the lack of double-tap.

That does not seem safe. Well, nothing did so far but now it's at least a realistic sce... scratch that; something over-the-top is happening again.

Did she just punch that guy in the butt?

Women in tight spandex suits running in slow-motion. This movie even fails at making that seem appealing.

She is cheating! She is using IDDQD!

Okay, this scene is cool. I got to give them that. Underwater USSR zombie soldiers FTW!

It is a bit too late to try to take some time to make me care about the characters now that movie almost is over. That should have been done from the beginning.

Oh, a little humor. This movie could have benefited a lot from that earlier.

Dragons?!?! WTF?!?!

The end. Well, this movie sucked. And then dupstep credits. Also crap.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2012-12-08)

Saturday Morning Mystery Ramblings
Somehow I got it into my head that the movie Saturday Morning Mystery (2012) was something I should watch. I am kind of expecting it to be half bad, so I decided to get drunk first and then watch it while writing down my rambling stream of consciousness.

Here we go...

- - - 

I just realized that the reason I'm watching this is because someone of Tumblr said something curious about this movie. :-/

Good start with a fun spin on the usual "based on a true story" trope.

And now I have hiccups. Sigh.

I wonder if the different types of human blood tastes differently.

Scoopy Fucking Doo!!!

Secular humanism propaganda all the way! Hell yeah!

Illuminati!

Hamlet, the Great Dane. :-)

This is on the level of a low-end primary school movie project. Still... I don't hate it (yet).

Typical cartoon cheesiness. I don't hate it.

Bad acting. And I'm not sure whether it is on purpose or not.

The sound seems to lack any sense of direction. It is very much hurting the level of immersion. Too bad.

This is kind of boring. I had expected the absurdness and scary stuff to have begun by now.

:-( Bad editing too. This is not looking promising.

"This is creepy." Instantly lights blunt.

<flashlight goes out> <moonlight stops at the exact same time>

This is garbage. I can't believe I spent several hours today trying to find a way to watch it.

Okay, this is interesting. All of a sudden, the video and sound editing, as well as the camera work, suddenly become a lot better. Was everything before this simply a setup?

Who the fuck is Mona?

And why does Chad expect her to sing?

Back to bad acting, bad script, and bad editing.

I need more beer to even partially enjoy this.

"R-rated live action Scooby Doo" they said. Hell no! This is just boring with no R-rated stuff.

She wants to touch the house's hole?

Oh, a sex scene?

Nudity! And the music and bad editing is however ruining the mood.

This is bad. And not anywhere near "so bad it's good" bad. Simply boringly bad.

Shit. I'm only halfway through the movie.

This is so fucking bad.

Scruffy looking guy: "I don't care about any of this." - Well, me too.

This movie is doing one single thing right. It has scary, subtle elements in the background during random scenes, without the sound, editing, or anything else acknowledging it.

This is the opposite of scary. Boring.

YES! THEY ARE DOING THE SCOOBY DOO DOOR THING!!!

The score is terrible.

Walking around on acid in the dark, calling out for a Danish prince. It happens to the best of us.

Again with the just plain terrible editing.

Wait, HE ATE THE DOG!?!?

Okay. WHAT?!?!?

At least this is sort of original. Still bad acting, script, and editing.

Sigh. Piss poor sound mixing/editing.

This is bad. Like really, really bad.

"He doesn't have a face." What? To me, he looks like an ordinary guy with a scarf.

This is bad. Like bad bad and not good bad.

Don't try to sneak up on your enemy while using a flashlight. Turn that shit off.

Really? Suddenly taking 40 seconds out the movie to "explain" (excuse) the plot? Really?

Wait, did they just teleport in the middle of a sentence from being outside to being inside?

Who wrote this shit?

80s movie score? Well, I don't hate that.

Come on. Even the movie I once made about an assassin (with a harmless, nerdy twin) having a war with a mafia family was better almost better than this.

Is it over yet?

Don't tell me the bad guy is in the back seat.

Oh, she checked; that's good.

And BAM - TERRIBLE credit music. FUCK OFF!!!

Sigh. That was a terrible, terrible movie. I need another beer. Sigh.

- - - 


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-03-28)

Watching Stage Fright and Rambling
After the zombie beaver movie (https://goo.gl/pq70t2) I felt like watching another horror flick, so I decided to finally give Stage Fright (2014) a shot. About 8 minutes into the movie I realized that while this was a different kind of movie from the beaver one, it was still possibly bonkers - and that I needed to start it over and write down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

So here we go again...

- - - 

Based on true events? Yea right.

Murder!

Oh, fake murder.

Standing ovation? For that?

So this is a sort of different take on the Phantom of the Opera story or what?

The production quality isn't half bad. The plot? Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Brutally sick editing. I love it.

Dear editor of this movie: YOU ROCK!

Wait, wait, wait. This is an actual horror musical?

Repeated abused by his father - revealed in a "happy" sounding song?

HER HAIR! I absolutely love it!

Wow. That was a long list of slurs used against kids who enjoy singing and acting.

What the actual fuck? This is bizarre - and I like it... mostly because it is weirdness presented as musical numbers.

Oh, the musical within the musical is called "The Haunting of the Opera". They aren't exactly subtle.

Post-structuralism? What the hell is that?

That's an intense killer.

That sounds a lot like one of the songs from Phantom of the Opera.

I have a bad vibe about that guy. He seems weirdly stalkery and possessive.

Serial killer vibe from that man. I think they want me to think that he is the killer.

That looks like those blades I used to kill zombies with... in Half-Life 2.

Wow, wow, wow. Kids sword fighting with real swords and without protective gear.

THAT STEREOTYPICAL GAY GUY SAID THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!!!

No, did he just refer to ejaculating all over a woman's face, or am I getting my Japanese words mixed up?

The girl with the awesome hair is back. Damn, that haircut rocks.

Not smooth, guy. Creepy.

He is timing the length of someone else's kiss.

Mean Girls quote? Cool.

I don't think kids and power tools are a good mix.

The director deciding between the actresses by whether they want to fuck him is utterly disgusting.

Are there no dress rehearsals in movies?

Giant box with the word "swords" written on it. Cool.

That looks very painful.

The editing brilliance strikes again. That was not bad at all.

There are a lot of creepy guys/men in this movie.

Wait, are they brother and sister? That changes a few things.

Small child tells the truth. Old man manipulates kids to forget the truth.

Feel good by singing a song when YOUR FRIEND HAS JUST BEEN BRUTALLY MURDERED!

The killer sings metal/screamo songs.

Oh, fuck - this metal v musical mashup is kind of cool.

This movie is intriguing me more and more.

Ooh, gay action behind the scenes.

This is like Phantom of the Opera fan-fiction.

Oh, fuck.

That was brutal without too much gore.

This killer is INTENSE!

Blade saw brass knuckles!

They are even quoting direct lines from Phantom of the Opera.

He is playing an electric guitar with a knife?

This is not bad. Not bad at all.

The conductor is so fucking done with all of this.

Power tools are an excellent defense against monsters.

Carrie?

Shit, this girl can act.

One monster replaced with another.

Horror ending I've seen a couple of times before but which I still love.

Movie over. That was one surprisingly good movie.

Wait, they are actually singing "thank you for watching the credits" in metal during the credits. Awesome.

- - - 


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-12-05)

Watching Teen Beach 2 and Rambling
A while back I watched the Disney Channel movie Teen Beach Movie and I don't think I ever mentioned it. Though, due to how meta and ridiculous the first movie was, I am deciding that now, where the sequel is out on Netflix, I have to write down my rambling stream of consciousness while watching it.

Here we go...

- - -

To be honest, I'm starting this movie over in order to write down my ramblings. I guess this almost turned into another instance of me watching a Disney Channel Movie without saying that I did so.

Wait, is this even Disney?

"A Disney Channel original movie" - ah, yes it is.

Horrific font for the title.

I remember the lead girl - but that guy looks like every other teenage surfer guy.

Bodacious? Surfer dude, how do you even know that word?

Not so subtle reference to the interdimensional travel accident from the first movie.

Now that I think about it, the first movie was slightly (aka. quite a lot) like Back to the Future.

The romance between these two isn't as obnoxious as one would think.

Uhh, first song. Cool.

I remember a couple of those characters from the other dimension/universe.

Wait, was the first movie a different take on Grease? Where instead of dying, they travel to a different dimension/universe?

I am 100 % sure this movie was an absolute joy to record.

Who wears leather jackets on the beach?

Oh, that dance. So much joy it is infectious.

Now, let the real movie begin. Come one, plot, where are you hiding?

Surfer dude got some not unfounded concerns about summer love might not lasting when summer is over.

Bro-on-bro/surfer-dude-on-surfer-dude conversation that I didn't understand much of.

Ok. Lead girl is a giant nerd and older nerd guy is apparently hot for her. Surfer guys know nothing about science and feel threatened. That is at least part of the plot, right?

Surfer dude is feeling insecure about his ambitions and potential.

Why is the interdimensional movie running in the background this whole time?

Ooh, this beach movie dimension/universe is more interesting. It's way more meta.

Ah, I think I can smell the plot now.

Couple that formed when trapped in an alternate dimension/universe doesn't work in their own dimension/universe. No one is surprised.

So surfer dude plays guitar and sings to himself in his bedroom (hut on the beach). No one is surprised. Nice voice though.

AWESOME! Breaking away from the script, because you're subconsciously realizing there's a 4th wall.

Girl from 60s-musical-movie-dimension misses girl from our dimension. Is there hope for this ship?

Wait, 60s girl gave main girl a necklace - which is now presented of a sign of destiny? I hope this is going where I hope this is going.

I feel like this is like if Barbie and Ken turned into humans and joined our world.

60s girl is not stupid - she understands that they just travelled between dimensions.

Interdimensional friends reconnected - and I fully approve of their joy.

Wait, I'm pretty sure every single guy in this movie are less intelligent than every single girl in this movie - and that this is on purpose. I approve.

New song. So happy. So freakin' happy. No, you don't get it; this is so extremely overly happy that it would make most normal people say that it is too much. I like it.

Ooh, Google Glass project placement. :-P

Wait, this is a 60s beach movie version of Enchanted - one of my favorite movies.

This is insane. Like, Inception levels of insane.

Oooh, makeover! No, wait. I love that 60s look way, way more than like the modern look.

Wow! Awesome clothing style concept!

Neat concept, with the movie dimension trying to regulate due to the missing characters.

Wait, what just happened? Why are the movie dimension characters disappearing?

Honest question - what is it with the US and hot people walking down hallways, so that everyone stops what they are doing and look in awe?

Slight letdown - 60s girl got a bigger crush on nerd girl than on main (nerd) girl.

Ok, I got a new ship in this movie. 60s girl and side nerd girl - who, hand-in-hand, ran away from main girl.

Again with the American stereotypes about high school cafeterias. Though, since I've seen this stereotype in more several hundred movies, I'm beginning to think it is actually reality.

Another song. So stupid - so catchy. Also, the song it about how stupid cliques are - a message I 100 % endorse.

Side nerd girl is very confused by the newcomers; and understandably so (since they are from a different dimension).

Is this "the talk"?

Only being able to explain emotions through physical equivalent feelings - that is kind of sad, and I feel for this guy.

Pretty awesome heart-to-heart between main girl and 60s girl.

Musical number in our dimension to convince characters from the other dimension to go back to their own dimension. This is downright brilliant.

And she doesn't want to back to the movie dimension. She wants to write her own lines. <single tear>

Wait, doucheface is 60s girl's brother? And now he wants to travel between dimensions as well? This is not going to end well.

Okay, now they are saying it is a different universe - and not a different dimension. Wait, what is the difference again?

Wait, doesn't this constitute as creating life, when our fictional characters become real by joining our world as actual human beings?

No! This is sad!

Sigh. Please let this be a my-real-love-traveled-back-to-her-own-dimension pity dance.

I gotta give this movie credit for the dude coming back the for the dude - and not the girl.

Uuh, prelude to musical number. This gotta be good.

Sigh. Not impressed. Only song in movie so far that I haven't danced in my chair to.

Wait, everyone is dying?

Jabba, jabba. Plot goes on.

Oh, the classic "love transcends timelines" bullshit.

Aw. Boy say goodbye to boy and girl say goodbye to girl. This is as it should be - and not all that romantic bullshit crab.

Also, 60s girl is way too good an actress for this movie. Her feels make me feel.

One again (x1000), a girl's hair thingy saves the day. What are those things anyway? They can unlock doors, kill bad guys, fix interdimensional travel, and make girls' hair stay perfect.

Different time line. And slightly more sad.

I wonder what is different.

Ooooh, for one, 60s girl is breaking the 4th wall repeatedly.

Wait, 60s girl is actually singing about changing the predefined interdimensional destiny? That is kinda badass.

Ah, fuck, they actually erased our dimension's memory - though not the movie dimension. That's a nice twist.

Movie over. Hmm. I enjoyed it.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-11-28)

Watching the New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Rambling
I have dreaded the idea of watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) since I first heard of it - partly due to me loving (LOVING!) the 1990 adaptation, but mostly because the new adaptation was produced Michael Bay. Well, tonight I got drunk and decided it finally was time to give it a shot; though not without me commenting on it with another round of my rambling stream of consciousness.

+Lina Witzner and +Scott Cramer, this might be of interest to you; not the movie, but my commentary.

Here we go...

- - -

Why am I doing this?

Oh no, what am I getting myself into here?

Shut the fuck up, voice-over. You shouldn't talk about the plot as it is the most epic thing ever.

This is so fucking pretentious that half would still be too much.

Wait, why is Megan Fox working with Michael Bay again? Hadn't she had enough of his abuse and sexist directing?
[Post-movie note: Apparently someone else directed, and Bay only produced the movie.]

No! You don't make a character "smart" by making her use big words - just so that you can say she isn't a flat character who's just there to look pretty. Are we really going to have to do this all over again?

At least it looks like both the actress and the character are hating this as much as I am.

Is this a SNL sketch? Oh, if only.

Nice touch with the bike helmet tough.

Sponsored by Skype!

I do like the way this story is driven by April's journalistic ambition so far. It is an appropriate touch to a movie I expect to suck ass big time.

And then there were turtles - apparently with super strength.

Superman? Wait, are TMNT DC or Marvel?

No, no. Those ropes are the opposite of tight. Someone doesn't know their knots.

Again with the big talk about the turtles. Stop hyping the reveal so fucking much!

Villain with his big words and overshadowing self-importance. Stop it!

Please don't say "sack" that much. Four times in a single sentence is kind of going overboard.

Oh no. Now April's father is part of the main plot. WHY?!?! ARGH!!!

That scene was weird - but at least it had a meme reference so malplaced that it made me smile.

Hmm, not as terrible action scene as I had expected. They kept it short; I liked that.

Ok, this is definitely DC Comics.

Why do the turtle look like roadents?

SHE SAID!!! Well, kind of.

Those turtle look horrific.

Interesting development though. No, self, everything does not need to be connected. Shame on drunk me for liking that story trope.

NO! NO! NO! That's not correct.

NO!!! The turtles were NOT April's childhood pets!

Damn, Splinter is ugly.

At least there's no Bing product placement despite Microsoft sponsoring the movie. Google FTW!

Talking about something being the epic stuff of legends that could not possibly exist is okay with me in this specific instance since they are talking about pizza.

Did they just insinuate that Michael Bay is stupid? That is a notion I can get behind.

Quoting the 80s/90s TMNT theme song is another notion I can get behind.

Wait, the X-Men school? No, wrong universe.

Another backstory. Why are you doing this to me?

No, the dark ages didn't start because of a poisoned well. Sigh.

Why do you feel the need to explain the green slime's origin and purpose? Why? Everything does not need to be laid out right in front of us in order for us to enjoy something.

These guys are not black-backing anyone; they are pink-backing them - and with a smiley drawn on the pink back!

Why is it that we nowadays use CGI that looks worse than the puppets from the 90s? This is not right.

Argh! More of this wannabe epic stuff. Please stop it.

Splinter was cute before he mutated. Now he just looks like some kind of demon.

Argh! I hate this backstory. IT IS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND STUPID!!!

Stop feeling like you have to tell every single detail of how every single thing came to be!

Movie, you need to stop trying to be so epic and instead just have fun. If you did, you would be a 100x better movie.

No... :'-( Why is the writing so fucking stupid? It makes me sad.

Apparently the Sack is the villain. Sack & Shredder; sounds painful.

This looks like video game CGI. Sigh.

So much Bay action. Sigh.

There's very few scenes in movies that deserve this kind of epic music. That was clearly not one of them.

This is a prime example of the bad guys needing to learn a thing or two about double tap as well.

This so-called "scientist" doesn't understand one of the most basic aspects of blood.

At least I like the comic relief guy.

Why are the pillars wrapped in foil?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA RABBITS!!! Now that's a movie I would watch.

Villains and their big speeches about their evil plans for world domination.

That was not mahogony.

This is stupid.

Why did that plastic shatter as glass?

How? But more importantly: WHY?!?!?

All of this feels like something I've seen countless times before.

Someone actually spent days, if not weeks, creating this scene. I feel so bad for these people.

I correctly predicted a COWABONGA with seconds precision!

Wait, how heavy are these turtles? Because the weight of two of them just made a steel pillar crumble that normally can hold at least 10 tons.

The destruction of <insert city here> is sponsored by Toshiba and AT&T.

Another pop-culture reference. Not too bad.

How much heart-to-heart is it possible to get when falling from the top of a skyscraper?

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Solar-powered vehicle for the vigilantes who only get out at night. Yes, that makes sense.

No, that was not funny - just stupid.

"Imagine Me & You". Okay, some things are always going to get me.

Finally it is over - and, no surprise, I hate the credits music.

The overall thing I want to say to this movie: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Sigh.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-11-08)

Watching the Turtles Reboot Sequel and Rambling
When I was a kid I watched these weird mutated turtles on TV. The cartoons were okay. The live action movie (at least the first one) however was borderline amazing - and I can say that having revisited it a few times in recent years. Now that I'm older, Hollywood of course chose to reboot the thing as a new live action movie - which turned out to be even worse than expected; and now it got a sequel (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows)... My ramblings during the first of the new reboots: https://goo.gl/hKVLJd

So... I'm a couple of beers into the evening, the dinner is in the oven, and I have watched two great movies already today - so what better way to continue than with another beer and an expectedly terrible Hollywood reboot sequel, while, of course, writing down my rambling stream of consciousness?

Here we good...

- - -

Throwing stars already? Ah, they are replacing the stars in the Paramount logo. Clever(ish).

Nickelodeon? Now I better understand why these movies are so bad. If only Disney had made them instead.

Double Chinese production company funding. Figures; they couldn't get the funding in Hollywood, so then went overseas.

And here the turtles are. As weird looking as last time.

One single pizza for four ½-1 ton teenage mutant ninja turtles? Pst! Unrealistic!

Did he just quote Ice T?

Ooh, here's a summation of the last movie. :-P

Or not.

April O'Neil is back? Wait, she looks nothing like April. Oh, that's the Fox.

"Within 3 feet of his device"? Wait, what wireless technology are they using?

Wow. This is bad. It looked okay for a second there, in this one scene - but no; just bad.

They clearly only included Megan Fox for her looks - because her lines are terrible and they included a stripper-like "strip and dress up in a school girl outfit" scene.

Who wrote this movie? Bay? Because it is stereotypical and just plain bad.

Arrow? What is he down here. He is DC - and TMNT are Marvel. Right?

A literal countdown to nirvana? WTF? That is just wrong on so many levels.

I forgot the rat's terrible look - and even worse hairdo.

Totally ninja-like with a giant truck, spewing fire out of the sides. Sigh.

Wait, Arrows is the hockey mask guy? What's his name again?

Wait, are those the two original bad guy sidekicks?

Ooh, yah! Beebob and Rocksteady (premutation) at Shredder's sides.

Boom, boom, boom. Big explosions. Much carnage. Yawn.

No, it can't be. That looks like the Batmobile.

Batmobile cut in half. Probably not the real Batmobile.

Creative word play. Not bad.

The presence of Arrow still confuse me.

"A big ass magnet" - The answer to a question you wished you hadn't asked.

The car can throw a sword? Really?

Ooohhh!!! Krang!

I am really confused how way, way, way much more fan service there is in this sequel compared to the previous movie.

Eh? That's just - disgustingly weird - and completely unnecessary. Was that supposed to be humorous? Because it really wasn't.

Arrows the opposite of his usual grumpy Arrow style. Surprisingly comedic-relief style talkative.

I'm pretty sure which side plot-line this sat in motion.

And yet again, the movie proves so predictable that I'm literally saying the lines out load, right before are said on screen for a whole scene (which only consists of Arrow, talking to himself - like I am).

Again with the gross rat. And I don't usually consider rats gross.

Ice Ice Baby playing in the background. Throwback to the ending of one of the original live action movies that this movie isn't honoring in any way.

Yep, Hollywood mombo jumbo science bullshit. This is terrible.

NO! Now the evil science guy is just plain lying about science - and solely to stuff a plot hole, that really would have been better off left untouched.

The two mutant monsters just fist-bumped in joy about their enlarged penis sizes. Sigh.

Okay, okay. O'Neil might just have (more or less) singlehandedly saved New York from devastation. A bit impressive, I have to say.

Arrow is now in a hockey mask - and kicking ass, as usual.

O'Neil and Arrow, sitting in a tree. K-I-C-K-I-N-G A-S-S-!

I have to admit - this introductional sequence is entertaining as hell.

Hell yes! They made the expected "Friday the 13th" reference.

Hmm... I'm beginning to realize that this movie might be way better than the last poor excuse for a movie. Still, light-years away from the quality of the original live action TMNT movie.

"The purple ooze"? Like, as in how "the green ooze" was what made the turtles mutate - and was used as the title of the 2nd (3rd?) of the original live action movies?

Wait, wait, wait! O'Neil named the turtles? Not the rat thing? I don't recall it going down that way - but I could be wrong.

Arrow is stupid. Like, really stupid. He just got played big time by a bunch of teenagers.

Interesting. This is the same as when the X-men talk about "finding a cure". I always liked exploration of these more significant aspects of the mutant universe.

Wait, do all of them have green eyes? Humans and mutants alike?

Break-in sequence - with all the theme music to go with it. Heh.

Why do people in movies have an inability to notice when a monster is hanging from the ceiling, right above them?

That was actually kind of interesting. Wait, am I beginning to acknowledge that this movie might contain something of value after all?

"War" is playing! HELL YEAH!

Beebob and Rocksteady aren't exactly subtle. Good to see that hasn't changed.

Why is the scientist overly nerdy, socially inept, and dressed as a stereotypical nerd from an 80s movie?

Oooooooh. I remember that flying board. :-D

WWVDD?!?! ("What Would Vin Diesel Do?")

This looks surprisingly a lot like nothing (literally nothing) in this scene is not CGI. Suddenly, TMNT is once again a purely animated thing.

Did they do a loop? I think they did a loop.

CGI turtle meets real turtle. Heh.

Okay, this is just stupidly, unnecessarily, overly-action-focused gimmicks.

Heart-to-heart between O'Neil and Arrow.

People are buying this douche-bag's hot air? :-/

I like that Shredder looked skeptically at the evil nerd when he mentioned Steve Jobs in the same breath as Newton.

Please don't tell me that this movie is going to end with another giant, top a building, action sequence. That shit is just old.

This looks a lot like Avengers. Now suddenly, it looks like Doctor Who. Eh?

In the midst of all this stupid, world-ending action - we see a real, important moment. To change who you are to instead be as everyone else or to stay yourself. That is the question. :'-)

And BOOM - after choosing not to change, they say they don't like labels and are used to be called freaks. This is the queer parallel that X-men does (or used to do) so well, all over again - and I like it.

This is actually a pretty good scene. Hmm...

The police commissioner's face when she realizes she is taking orders from a turtle, is priceless.

"THE WORLD WILL KNOW MY NAME!", the evil nerd screams. Hmm, I don't seem to recall what your name is (at all), evil nerd character.

Krang is not nice - and definitely not trustworthy.

Is the thing that Krang is building a sort of Death Star? Because it certainly looks and sounds like it.

If Arrow had a bow and arrow right about now, this would be a cake walk.

<Tons of pointless action later>

So this Death Star has one easily-accessible volubility point as well? Figures.

Or maybe not. Then what was that whole long plot sequence about?

Yep, everything was fixed by hitting the thing with a stick. Eh, not too bad.

And it all ends with slight reference to being accepted as "normal" isn't as fun as being fabulous in the shadows.

OOOOOOHHHHH!!!! THE TMNT THEME SONG IS PLAYING!!!! This was apparently all I needed! YAY!!!

Eh, that wasn't that bad after all. Stupid? Yes. Bad? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. Worth a damn? Maybe?

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2016-09-03)

Watching The ABCs of Death and Rambling
Aka. I blame +Amanda Rachelle Warren   

I have several times before watched a movie and written down my rambling streams of consciousness while doing so. This evening +Amanda Rachelle Warren shared a post with a clip from the horror movie The ABCs of Death (2012) (goo.gl/8P2Qjt) which made me open up a beer (or many) and put on The ABCs of Death, ready to ramble.

Here we go...

- - -

26 short films? Oh, let the fun begin.

I'm glad I have more beers ready.

T? They don't start at A?

That seems to be too thin to be blood.

I see that they've watched American Horror Story. I do not expect this to even be close in quality.

Holy shit! I just realized this is a 2+ hour movie.

Bad acting and gore already? I wasn't expecting it so soon.

You can't bring out a frying pan as a weapon and not expect me to think of Tangled.

Ah, it did start at A after all. They show the title at the end of the segment.

Not too bad a start.

Horror bedtime stories works far better than any gore.

B for boobs!

B for bad sex scene.

B for bogeyman with a pizza slicer. Wait, what?

These short films are so short that they neither manage to scare nor bore me. I think this is a good thing.

Alice?

WOW! He actually said "Alice?" right after I wrote it. I CAN SEE THE FUTURE! (Or understand very obvious "Alice in Wonderland" references.)

Primer?

This C short had time-travel and gore; and it still sucked balls.

Shit, this looks far too real. I can feel the pain myself.

This is intense.

... and emotional.

Why is there a toddler cheering on this violence?

SHIIIIIITTT!!!

That D short was AMAZING!

I have to sing the alphabet song in my head to remember which letter comes next. A B C D… E!

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can. Does he swing from his web? No he doesn't, he's a pig. Watch out... I think I got the lyrics mixed up.

E is for bad.

Ooooh, here comes the fart one.

First fart.

God's farts are killing everyone?

WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?!??! Or should I say, this shit?

Your crush farts on you and your head starts burning?

Holy shit, she has a lot of gas in her.

Wait, it was sucked in again?

What the fuck is going on here?

The words "good taste" were actually uttered during this completely indescribable fart make-out scene.

This next one is in FPS mode.

I'm trying to figure out what horror starting with G has to do with surfing.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened. That was a short and confusing short.

A fox?

Girl, are you a fox? Because I don't understand what the fuck you are saying.

Fox breast? And robots? And Nazis?

This is so fucked up it is borderline great.

Keep calm and kill the topless Nazi fox.

H is for what? I don't understand this word. Hydroelectricdiffusion, or something like that?!?!

This surely is a very different kind of short.

This is not the normal kind of gore. This is actually terrifying and disgusting.

I was about to take another sip of my beer - but I stopped because this short is too vulgar for me to consume anything while watching.

J is for Japan? Or is that too obvious? It is a fun little guessing game to try to figure out which word has inspired each of these shorts.

ARGHH!H!H!WDAHWJDA!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!?!?!

ARFIJAWIJIJDWAIWAD!!!! AGAIN!??!?!

What? What? What? What? What? What? WHAAAAATTTTTT????!?!?!?!

This is simply too weird!

I went from being confused and horrified to laughing in less than 0.1 seconds.

I guess J was for some Japanese word.

More toilet humor. This time animated.

Using your bra as a poop slingshot? o.O

Holy fucking shit! That was weird.

I need another beer. These shorts are getting... null frontal nudity? Wait, I was going to say that theses shorts were getting weird when some face-painted woman dropped all of cloth.

Are these men having a jerk off race?

AND THE LOSER GETS KILLED BY A SPEAR THROUGH HIS ASS?!?!?!?

One of these characters is right by yelling "YOU SICK FUCKS!!!"

Shit, it got weirder.

Because these movies are so short they have all of their weird ideas crammed into a very short time-span AND IT IS FUCKED UP!!!

This is too nasty to describe. Downright mentally damaging.

That was NOT okay.

On to the next one. I hope it isn't as fucked up.

Same start scene as the animated one - but not animated. This is not promising.

I was taking a sip of my beer just as the short CUT TO A FUCKING CLOSEUP OF A MISCARRIED EMBRYO IN A TOILET! Disturbing to say the least.

I hope we can get back to some normal, pointless gore for at least a short or two. This has been too much.

CUTENESS!!!

Something must go wrong soon. This is a horror movie after all.

YES! It took a turn for the hilarious.

Good old-fashioned pointless excessive gore.

Many of these shorts seem to have a strong focus on sex.

This is weird - but in an artistic, calm kind of way.

I SPOKE TOO SOON! This too is disturbing.

... or perhaps not. That was not too bad after all.

I feel I'm missing something about this short. It feels like it has a story I'm not getting.

What is she going to do to that cat?

ARGHAHAHAHHEHDWAJKJ!J!KK!l

The people who write these shorts have some interesting (read: fucked up) minds.

This short is actually addressing the fact that they got the letter Q to use for their segment.

"Duck" doesn't start with the letter Q.

Hilarious stuff. A pleasant change.

Why did my Windows cursor all of a sudden turn into a video camera? Is this movie affecting my computer? Or my mind?

This short is a bit literal about the phrase "turning human suffering into film."

More feces? Really?

This short feels very long; and it is honestly quite boring. It is however a nice break from all the disturbing stuff.

This seems like the first draft for a Machete spin-off, written drunk and lazy.

Wow, I did not see that coming. That was actually a pretty decent twist.

Deadpool? Ah, it's just a potty?

They have a pluming emergency. I think they need Mario.

Melting faces and a human-eating toilet. You got to be fucking kidding me.

This one seems quite original and interesting.

That was not bad. Not bad at all.

Ohh, now a sci-fi short. I'm excited.

AWESOME‼!

This is many kinds of great. It truly manages to be thrilling, exciting, and interesting. Bravo, V.

Another animated short? This is fucked up.

Ah, good. It is about the animator.

Oh, it's another short about how they use the letter they got. This time W.

This is just plain bad. It tries to be weird and disturbing - but after what I've seen from the other shorts it has no effect on me at all.

Okay, that was pretty funny. "W is for WTF!"

This segment about fat-shaming is horrifying and gross.

No! Don't do it!

aRGHH!H!AHDWHJ""!K#"J

No no no no no no. ARGHHAJW"DJWDkl!!!

This is so much more disturbing than normal gore because it an actual issue that so many people live with.

ARGH!

That was painful.

This short seems family. Perhaps it's just the score.

Ah, that is disgusting - and there's not even any blood.

Oh, here comes the blood.

NO!

Now more Japan?

And more Nazis?

And more nudity?

And a giant shemale penis?

WHAT?!?!

Wait, that penis is being used as deadly weapon?

Nipple-twisters during a fight to the death?

Shooting vegetables out of her vagina? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

The shemale is ejaculating rice? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

The people who made this are seriously fucked up.

YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

And now the movie is over. That was... eh... eh... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY FUCKED UP!!! Holy fucking shit. ARGHH‼! I feel damaged. I do not know enough profanity to adequately express how this movie made me feel.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2013-10-12)

My Rambling The Evil Dead Stream of Consciousness
A week ago I made a post of me sharing my random ramblings while watching the Total Recall remake (https://goo.gl/UJ0Ug). Today I thought I'd do the same while finally getting around to watching The Evil Dead (1981). These are my rambling thoughts throughout the movie, with no real spoilers but just out-of-context moments.

- - -

Right off the bat with the over-the-top dramatic music and visual effects. This looks promising in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way.

WTF was that? Is this really that bad on purpose?

Well, that's just annoying. Whoever is holding that camera needs to lay off the drugs.

That turned out like all my drawings.

So you go to a cabin in the woods and only bring one flashlight but then of course have a oil lantern ready?

That's one impressive loudspeaker system, echoing through the forest.

Over-dramatic much?

All of a sudden everything is out of focus. I wonder if that's on purpose or this is just a poorly made movie. I guess the latter is the case.

More over-the-top mood music without anything actually happening.

Ash? POKÉMON! Gotta catch 'em all!

Oh, here it comes; the infamous "getting raped by a tree"-scene.

Wow, this is more graphic than I had expected. Whoever thought of this must have a special relationship with trees.

Is this supposed to be scary? Or funny? It seems more annoying than anything.

I think having watched The Cabin in the Woods (2011) makes me enjoy this movie more than I otherwise would have.

A zombie? Or something else? Either way that shit was hilarious.

Zombie girl needs a manicure.

Grunt, grunt, grunt. That is getting annoying real fast.

When the zombie laughs, I can't helping laughing too. I wonder if it was meant to be scary.

Wait, wasn't that window destroyed a few minutes ago?

Oh, let's be really, really slow to come to the rescue when the girl screams for help.

Psycho?

Is it wrong that I intuitively smile when the hero gets bitch-slapped?

Crunchy bones.

That's an awesome dagger. I want one.

Enough with the screaming already. For the love of horror flicks, just die!

A lot of gore in the most cartoonish way I've seen in a horror flick in a long time.

I do no understand these characters' thought process at all. It's like every other minute they get a new random idea and follow through with it. It's not that the ideas are inherently bad; they just seem random and nonsensical.

More zombie laughter. This is kind of hilarious.

I wonder if this is all a PMS joke.

Zombies chuckling is without a doubt the best part of the movie.

It seems this Ash character is very slow in the head.

This is taking an interesting turn. Never mind. Disappointing.

Talking to yourself for the benefit of the audience. It's funny how only certain kinds of movies does this.

Those sound effects do not at all match what's going on.

I think I get this movie now. It's a tale of a guy's personal journey into insanity and not giving a single fuck.

I didn't know zombies had oatmeal for guts.

Blood, gore, and stop-motion all over the place. This is getting kind of old.

Is it over yet? I'm not pleased with this movie.

Finally over. Well, that was disappointing. Now on to the sequel.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2012-11-18)

Let's watch The Mummy and ramble
The new The Mummy (2017) movie is probably terrible - so I think I'm gonna watch it while drinking and writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout it.

Warning: Trainwreck incoming.

Here we go...

- - -

Mentally preparing myself for a movie that's probably trying way too hard to be something it never had the potential to be. Oh well.

Universal Dark Universe. Bah!

And starting out with an ominous quote sounding all wise and dark - but really just using a lot of words to say nothing.

Is this gonna try to be Indiana Jones, Mission Impossible, and The Mummy (the good one) all at once?

London is a giant graveyard? What? Is that true?

Sigh. Of course the mummy can't be plot-wise related to the Middle East - but has to be about an English speaking country.

And yet another ominous statement with no meaning. This time presented as a voice-over instead of text on screen.

What? They are already doing a cut-away flash-back to explain the backstory of the mummy legend. It has only been <checks clock> less than 5 minutes since the movie started. Sigh.

Movies that feel the need to cut away from the story to explain the story or backstory really need to consider why they feel the need to do this - and then perhaps reconsider how to tell a story without such nonsense.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that the same actress as the one from The Mummy (the good one)? Or was it The Mummy 2?

"She made a choice to embrace evil" <shows woman opening a book/scroll>

Is this that main bad guy from the terrible DC supervillain movie about that suicide pact?

At least these scenes look visually great.

So this is a serious The Mummy. I already miss Les aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec. That was an utterly and completely amazing movie and only revolved around a mummy.

I hate this actor - and, go figure, he is the main character.

Before this I just watched a movie about World War I - and this movie has already had as much gunfire and 1/3 of the amount of explosions in <checks clock> 12 minutes. Sigh.

I just realized that this movie about MUMMIES has nothing to do with archeology - but rather the US military. Sigh.

Argh, for fuck sake. Major Douche (yep, that's now his name) is now making up lies to present himself as "manly man, conqueror of woman". Double sigh.

When the hell did archeologists (yep, one of those showed up) use expressions as "stay out of enemy hands" and only talk about potential worth of something she only looked at for less than 1 sec? Argh, this movie is bothering me more and more.

No the military leader guy is ordering Major Douche and Stupid Sidekick to go into the mummy sinkhole? None of this makes any sense and is only happening as an excuse to drive the "plot" forward.

Cool cave though.

This kinda reminds me of Escape Room Fort Wayne.

If liquid Hg is dripping from the ceiling of a cave, just breathing the air in this cave should result in some serious health issues. Wait, perhaps the rest of this movie is just these guys hallucinating? Yep, I'll go with that.

Now a lake of Hg. The vapors alone is enough for these people be seriously ill soon.

Of course there is a written warning in an ancient language.

In an ominous and worried voice the questionable archeologist says: "This is not a tomb... <way too long pause>... It's a prison" - I saw that exact line coming a mile away.

That's a trap!

Wait, Major Douche released the trap on purpose?

Those are a lot of giant, aggressive ants? Spiders?

Again, I have to admit that some of these scenes are quite beautiful.

Wait, random US military guy enchanted by The Mummy (The Entrantress)? Seen that before.

These villains (aka. US military) are just plain robbing graves of middle eastern people after invading their country.

Ah, and a sandstorm. I wonder where I've seen that before. (THE MUMMY!!!)

I know what is going to happen. They thoroughly spoiled this part of the movie in the trailer.

Close-up of woman's stomach for no reason at all. I guess this movie was missing its sex appeal and felt it had to rectify that.

Argh, for fuck sake. Now Major Douche is just plain trying to brag about his sexual conquests for no damn reason - again. Why is this in the movie?

Ah, I already fully expect this movie to think that it is making a redemption story for Major Douche in regard to the archaeologist that he tricked in bed, exploited, and stole from.

Stupid Sidekick is now a zombie. Go figure.

Giant swarm of birds, being controlled by a mummy - hmm, I wonder where I've seen that before. (THE MUMMY!!!)

Redemption happened. Still stupid plot line.

Please tell me Major Douche died. That would make the rest of the movie so much better.

Fuck! He did die - but he got resurrected by unknown mummy magic.

Empty mummy bed (I can't remember the word for that in English). I wonder what will happen next (not really).

Okay, mummy is all ugly and gross for now. I wonder how long it will take the movie to make her all sexy again (like in the flashbacks).

The production quality of this movie is a shame considering how terrible the plot/script is.

Come on. Yet another backstory flashback to explain the next part of this movie's plotline.

Zombie Stupid Sidekick is comic relief. Not much of a relief from how bad the rest of this movie is.

I'm actually considering stopping this trainwreck of a movie and watching Les aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec (aka. The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec)(aka. Adèle and the Secret of the Mummy) instead (for the like 6th (?) time).

Damn. I'm not even halfway through this movie yet. :-/

New idea - Douche Major has since his death (and resurrection) been fully doing the bidding of The Mummy - and will do so for the rest of the movie, without ever again working against her wishes (not even close). I like that concept. Though probably not going to happen - or the movie will try to do this, but quickly move away from it again.

Okay, The Mummy has already gone from looking very gross to looking like a normal, pretty decent looking woman. I guess having her look ugly (aka. like a dead person) lasted for more than 10 minutes (slightly). At least it lasted one full scene.

I don't get why The Mummy's minions need to be mummy-like and turn to dust when you hit them. For fuck sake, they were alive humans like a few minutes ago.

Wait, did Major Douche just break up a makeout session between The Archaeologist and The Mummy by stabbing The Mummy in the back?

<a whole bunch of stupid, pointless action happens>

I have to admit that whatever twist is happening right now is kinda interesting. Let's see how long that lasts.

Let me guess. An old white man is going to walk in and tell a long and convoluted story about a secret organisation that exists to fight evil?

BINGO!!!

And apparently this old white guy is Dr. Jekyll. :-P

And he is telling his own backstory. Pst.

Yep, now I hate the plotline again. Sigh.

This movie is a damn pool of bad writing and cliché vomit. Exactly as expected.

Okay... Dr. Jekyll very plainly expresses his plan and desire to stab Major Douche in the heart with a dagger. I approve.

Major Douche being a douche just caused a major shift in what was going on - and worked as an excuse for throwing Mr. Hyde into the mix that is this damn movie.

Wait a minute. Where have I seen that book before? <pauses movie to look this up> Oh, that's the book of Amun-Ra. That was definitely in the better mummy movie. Did they include it here just to reference the other movie (again, again, again) - or are they going to do something with this later on? <unpauses movie>

This seem like the right kind of scene for a Wilhelm scream. So...?

Why is it that in action movies when running away from exploding windows that the windows keep exploding right after the hero runs past them?

Now another "sand" storm, controlled by The Mummy. Again this repeat shit.

Oh, and the "sand" storm has a face - just as in the better mummy movie.

Train tunnel full of zombie-/mummy-minions the second after a train just passed through? How? Oh, by this movie making zero sense, that's how.

This reminds me of that one swimming level from Quake.

Even the "hero" (Major Douche) gaining the upper hand is making no sense at all. None of what just happened makes any sense at all.

And what is happening now makes even less sense. It is like they wrote a (terrible) story and couldn't figure out how to make a favorable end for Major Douche - so they just... did stuff... that make no sense... to move the plot forward.

Production quality: Top. Acting: Kinda good (except for Major Douche). Direction: Could be worse. Writing: Couldn't be worse.

And now a post-story overture that is just plain cliché and cliché and cliché.

Movie over. It was perhaps even worse than expected (and I expected terribleness). I guess I need to watch the credits to see who made such a terrible movie.

"Directed by Alex Kurtzman". You are probably partly to blame for this mess.

"Screenplay by David Koepp and Christopher McQuarrie and Dylan Kussman". Yep, I probably blame the three of you the most.

"Screen story by Jon Spaihts and Alex Kurtzman & Jenny Lumet". Yep, I also blame you - oh, and there you are again, Alex.

"Produced by Alex Kurtzman, Chris Morgan, Sean Daniel, Sarah Bradshaw". This is probably a lot your fault too - and, yet again, you, Alex.

"Director of photography: Ben Seresin". You actually did a pretty good job in this. Well done, sir.

Nah, I don't want to watch more of the credits. This was a terrible, terrible movie - definitely not worth my time. I need to re-balance myself now with some pointless (but enjoyable) YouTube videos before I call it an evening.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2017-09-01)

Watching The Princess Switch and Rambling
Apparently there's a new movie on Netflix called The Princess Switch and from the first minute or so of the trailer (I stopped it because it sounded too stupid), this sounds like a slightly different take on The Parent Trap (which I loved) - heck, even the names are a bit similar.
Anyway, let's watch this... and write down my rambling stream of consciousness while doing so.

Here we go... <fingers crossed for this coming anywhere near being as amazing as The Parent Trap>

- - -

Ough, this is a Christmas flick. :-/

Is this a Hallmark movie? It sure looks like it, 30 seconds in.

Aww, that guy sure got a cute child.

This movie is surely wasting no minute setting up some major plot lines. We didn't even get 2 minutes in, before the movie force fed me what I expect to be a major part of the plot.

What kind of bakery with respect for itself sells ginger cookie men?

And now for the vague and magically sounding comment from that wizardly looking man on the street... at 4 minutes in. Damn, this movie sure moves fast.

Is a mouse king the same as a rat king?

Wait, has Baker Girl invited her employee and his daughter on a Christmas vacation to a really charming and magical Christmas village? Sure, that's kind of her.

And the wizard is back!

Wait, where is this magical Christmas village? They refer to Baker Girl as being "from the states" - so, where exactly is this place with all the other American-sounding people and various other people with fake-sounding accents?

Wait, is this magical winter wonderland... Canada?

OH! THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!!!

Duchess of Monterey? Or what? What kinda place is this?

Miss Duchess sure is speaking in a very, very weird accent. Kinda sounds made up.

Why is Baker Girl more surprised by Miss Duchess asking her for a favor than Miss Duchess looking EXACTLY LIKE THIS IN EVERY SINGLE WAY?

This guy's daughter sure is into the thought of her father getting together with Baker Girl.

And now here's kinda forcing the main concept of the plot on me. It all feels like Miss Duchess had this planned all along - though that’s probably not the case (because what would be too much to expect of this movie).

This movie is kinda really, really terrible and artificial so far. Or is just me?

I'm confused. How is it that Vanessa Hudgens' acting is kinda decent as Baker Girl, but kinda terrible as Miss Duchess? Bad writing, perhaps?

Wait, is her double a white girl?

Well, this is shit. Even worse so when I compare it to The Parent Trap.

We are only 20 minutes in, and every aspect of the story has already been set up and all the wheels has been set into motion. This movie is really rushing things and not giving time for the viewer to get any attachment to the characters at all.

Oooh, Miss Duchess (in disguise) might got the hots for Normal Guy. And she is engaged to Mr. Privileged.

This butler woman might be the best thing in this (terrible) movie so far. Wise and kind. I didn't catch her name though (as with all the other characters), so I'll just think of her as Miss Alfred.

What kinda weird old movie or fairy tale is Baker Girl (in disguise) getting her accent and demeanor from?

This is painful to watch. I have been waiting for the heart of the movie to start showing itself, but no sign of it so far. Please don't let me waste my time on a heartless, stupid, badly written, cliché-filled, piece-of-shit of a movie; at least let it have heart.

Argh, even Miss Duchess (in disguise) is painful to watch.

WHAT? They stole the secret handshake part from The Parent Trap. That is an disgrace and insult to such a masterpiece.

They can't even get the camera focus right - during a long hallway shot - in slow motion. That shot looked quite terrible.

There's an whole hour left? I'm not sure I can handle that.

Again with a completely terrible scene - in so many way.

Fuck this - this movie is downright awful. I'm calling it quits and skipping to the end.

At the end. Oh, she (not sure which of them) won the competition. Oh - what a surprise. /s

"There's two of you???" - worst climax ever.

Wait, that sounded wrong. Meh, I don't care - this movie is just too stupid.

And it all seems to end exactly as everyone expected. Sigh.

This is perhaps the most unnecessary movie I've ever watched.

Argh, for fuck sake. This is so cliché in the worst way possible. And they're using all the cliché phrases and behavior - all in the same scene.

And, yep, it just keeps going.

I kinda need to add a disclaimer by now: I love good romantic movie - no matter how cliché they are. But this? Pure crap in every single way.

And, like that, the movie is over. Damn, what a waste of time and otherwise decent actors. Sigh.

Last word of advice: Don’t waste your time with this movie; it’ll just encourage Netflix to make more like it, which is waste of everyone’s time and money.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2018-11-16)

Ramblings While Watching the Total Recall Remake
I was not really planning on reviewing Total Recall (2012) but since +Sarah Rios asked me to let Google+ know if I liked the remake I'm going to do something I haven't done before. I'll write my random thoughts throughout the movie. No real spoilers, just out-of-context ramblings.

- - -

They really want me to read this? I'm watching a movie, not reading a book.

Wait, that does not seem consistent with the laws of physics at all. I guess it's one of those movies.

Wow, I'm surprisingly turned on by this three-breasted woman. I guess boobs in any capacity is working for me.

His acting is weird. Oh, he's supposed to look like he's drunk. I guess that works.

Cool technology with a bad UI.

Killing those guards seemed very easy. #IncompetentLackeys

Oh, Kate Beckinsale looks hot kicking what's-his-face's ass.

A chase scene with building-to-building jumping. How original /s.

Police asking stupid questions. I guess some things don't chance.

Shock! A piece of macaroni just fell from +Fluffy McSharkah Khan onto my floor. Focus back to the movie.

I'm going to hate this movie if one of those "it's all a dream" kind of movies. Perhaps I should have watched the original first.

Bad guys aim for shit. Even when they're robots.

Flying cars? Really? With manual steering? Really?

Almost "I'll explain later" Doctor moment.

I wonder how that levitation technology works.

Wait? Dead already? I thought she was a main character.

I guess I can't tell the difference between unconscious and dead.

Is that Ludwig van Beethoven?

BATMAN! No, not really. <sad face>

Für Elise? I'm bad at recognizing Beethoven songs.

More technology looking a lot like stuff from I, Robot (2004).

"That's what she said" joke opportunity. I'm a bad person. I'm laughing at serious moments just because the opportunity for a dirty joke.

Summarizing your life in order to reassure yourself that you're not a secret agent. How original /s.

If this conspiracy is real the government is spending a hell of a lot of money because of a single guy. I always wondered why so movies have this plot-thingy when it seems so unnecessarily expensive for the bad guys.

That was a very long scene, taking forever to get to the completely predictable conclusion. This movie still thinks it's something it's not.

Hot girl with a big gun. Yeah!

Being crushed by a sci-fi elevator. Interesting.

OH! Another macaroni piece just fell onto the floor, giving me a bigger shock than anything in the movie so far.

Threesome in an elevator. No, not really.

Bombs in movies have too long timers.

"Way out [arrow pointing up]"-sign just distracted me in an otherwise serious scene. Hmm...

I just remembered that in the last Jessica Biel movie I watched she was kidnapping children. And now she's killing government agents. Peculiar.

Canned food in an underground shelter. Booyah! (Don't judge me by the weird things I find amusing.)

Even if it's Bill Nighy spewing out philosophical sounding phrases it still doesn't really work when it's this kind of movie.

What is fuck is up with these weird futuristic technology interfaces. They do not seem intuitive or ideal at all.

IT'S A TRAP!!! Hell yeah, they actually said it. This makes everything better.

Listening to Bryan Cranston gives me chills. Breaking Bad changed my perception of him.

This is the second scene with a single tear running down Jessica Biel's chin. Curious.

More Bryan Cranston badassery; more chills.

Screw the "good guys" - I'm rooting for Bryan Cranston.

That chair reminds me of The Matrix but I guess the movie isn't trying to have me focus on the chair while so many guys are getting killed.

"Access granted" - Oh, another "that's what the female engineer said"-joke.

Chekhov's guns all over the place. (Look it up.)

Same moment of "I'm not sure that's how physics work" as earlier.

It might just be me, but putting "that's what the female engineer said" after many phrases in sci-fi movies makes me giggle.

Is it wrong that I intuitively smile when the "good guy" is shot? (No spoiler; he is shot in the very first scene too. That's a spoiler.)

I'm not saying the evil overlords of the future are stupid but if I were in charge, I would not use so inefficient robots. Both their hardware and their software seriously need to be rethought.

Swords and knifes all over the place. No, not really - but in a movie with this many guns it's nice to see a blade for a change.

EXPLOSIONS!

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

DESTRUCTION!

BOOBS! No, not really. <sad face>

Interesting. It actually managed to end on the note I was hoping for (but not expecting at all). Decent enough movie.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2012-11-11)

Watching Vampire Academy and Rambling
I began watching Vampire Academy (2014) and two minutes into it I realized that this might either be spectacular or catastrophic and that I either way probably should document my thoughts throughout the movie. So I have restarted the movie and here we go...

- - -

Ominous logo intro. Ooh...

Pop music :-/ Isn't this a horror?

WTF? Already?

Oh... Now I see... Wait, no, I don't. How? What?

I already love the main (?) character. "Hot naked guys on unicorns" won me over.

Jimmy Carter is scary? Ya, I can see that.

Wait, that hot chick is that other hot chick's bodyguard?

That would be sexy if it wasn't so morbid. Okay, it was sexy nonetheless.

The main character just gets better and better - and I'm 4 minutes into the movie.

Here comes the section that explains the whole backstory and universe.

Oh, that section was only 15 seconds. I guess there's not that much backstory.

Magic time!

This just keeps getting better and better (no sarcasm).

"They have the bond"? Like... eh... heck, I don't even know anymore.

That sentence was pure brilliance of the "Hi, I'm evil, evil, evil, (echo)" kind.

SO MUCH SARCASM!!! I love it.

This is like a parody of every fantasy movie from the last 10 years - but at the same time not. Fucking amazing!

This is the Mean Girls of vampires.

I'm still confused whether this is a parody or not.

Snappy, snappy writing.

Hogwarts?

Yep, this is Harry Potter: Year 2 (I can't remember what the damn name of it.)

"There's so much blood." - No, there were like 7 drops of blood - at the most.

This is either incredibly stupid or incredibly brilliant. Either way, it is hilarious.

Commentary provided by girl standing alone in hallway, talking to herself. Yep, this is brilliantly stupid and stupidly brilliant at the same time.

"Trips to Oregon" is apparently an offence classified in the same category as animal mutilation.

I'm confused again. Is this a parody?

Lift up cat and talk to it in order to make inner monologue without it being inner.

This movie is hilariously confusing. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF THING IS IT?!?!

She is almost straight up inviting that guy to fuck her. I want to high five her.

Okay, this is not a parody. Good thing it only took me 50 minutes to realize this.

Snarky comments might not be the best defence against monsters.

WHAT THE FUCK HELL?!?! That was an amazing end to an otherwise meh scene.

"Princess party in the reyol reck-room." - Yes, someone just said those words.

Subtlety? The fuck? That's something I've never seen in a teenage vampire movie before.

What the fuck is up with the villains in the movie killing pets?

No, what the fuck! THIS IS SCARING ME! STOP IT!!!

Oh, there's a "downstairs" where all the secrets are kept. Oh, of course.

Fornicating? WTF? Is that word actually used among 21st century teenagers?

Schrödinger's cat?

The fuck? Are we back to being a parody?

Wait, did I just refer to the movie and me being a 'we'?

"Ew, stop - I nap on that couch" might be the best line of dialogue I've heard in days (I was going to say weeks but then remembered that I watch a LOT of series and movies).

FIST TO THE FACE!!! Hell yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... Did the evil headmaster women just reveal that she was raped when she was 16 and still has a scar from the attack? Holy fuck, what is up with this movie giving characters you're supposed to hate backstories that make you feel for them. For fuck's sake!

I fully enjoy a strip scene where the clothes are thrown into a fireplace, thereby making sure that the girl can't simply put them back on. (Sorry for this comment to directly follow the rape comment; I'm 99 % sure the movie didn't mean for most audience to notice the rape reference and that is why it ended up placing these two scenes next to one another.)

Oh... Now I see.

Wait, WHAT DID YOU PUT UP HER ASS, GIRL?

Referring to the bad guy as "the bad guy" is utter perfection.

What is an "air user"?

Oh, he blows.

... and sucks.

The villain looks in a mirror and sees how much he has changed (nevermind that he is a vampire) while I cannot see single difference from before.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Is that a pony?

Shit, the Princes has evil, evil powers.

Go to save princess. Princess saves herself. Leave. THIS IS WHAT MARIO BROS. SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!

Is that Dr. Xavier's mansion?

"I'm an atheist. Atheist with a big gun." - Oh, sure you are; and you're about to be killed by vampires.

Firebender creates small sparkle to bad guy. Fragile human girl forcefully places her knee in bad guy's face.

"Power up, princess" might be the sexist vampire lingo I've ever heard.

Guy describes make-out session with girl as "horrific". Yep, she is not taking it well.

What is a "shadow kiss"? Did I miss something?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! That is a slightly great plot twist.

Oh, immediately followed by an extremely small (and 100 % predictable) plot twist which is presented as the bigger plot twist. Sigh.

Oh, human; you are so human.

OOOHHHH!!! She is so awesome!!! <drawing a heart around her picture in the year book>

I feel like I have missed some of the Gryffindor-Slytherin-like subjects of this movie.

Wait, is that is the speech from Mean Girl vampirified?

Now they are actually trying to force some romance on the whole thing? Really? You got this along withouYES, HAHAHHAHH!!! Funny shit! Turning the tables! HILARIOUS!!!

No, what? You are almost literally saying that if you don't get a sequel it is the fault of the rich people. Shame on you. You should have ended it 30 seconds earlier.

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-04-26)

Watching When We First Met and Rambling
It has been a while (apparently 23 week: https://goo.gl/t8p6sN) since I last sat down with a drink (or several) to watch a (possibly terrible) movie while writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

So, why not do this thing (I've so many times before) again? This time with the new Netflix movie When We First Met (2018).

Here we go...

- - -

Starting out with happy music and a real 90s movie feel and look. Hmm...

Having "years ago" flashback be to 2014 still feels weird. 2014 was, like, yesterday (right?).

This movie feels very typical below avarage romantic comedy so far; except they are kinda rushing the scenes, so I guess this is just some kind of setup for the movie's actual plotline.

Still with the cut, cut, cut - super short scenes with the "story" moving forward too fast for there to be time to really get to know or relate to these characters.

And there it is - the first "twist". That was both extremly obvious - and spoiled in the trailer.

This friend is kinda cool. She got attitude. I like her.

I usually don't remember character names - but they keep repeating their names, which is kinda smart. Avery (how to spell?), Noah, and Garry (isn't that usually a guy's name). See, I remembered!

Wait, why is he naked? Also, why is his bottom half a horse... with wings?

Noah is a wreck - and not in an endearing way.

That part was taken directly out of Big (that movie from the 80s).

How the hell is he this slow to notice he traveled back in time 3 years? Like, he had to see a newspaper before he even began to suspect that anything was wrong.

Traveling back in time and the only thing on his mind is stalking a girl who didn't want to sleep with him the first time around. Ugh. UGH!!!

Wait, the friend's name is not Garry - it's Kerry? That might make a bit more sense.

This is kinda creepy, stalkery, and, most of all, artificial. Also, he is rushing everything and making forced "moments".

SHE IS GOING TO HIT HIM WITH A PLANT!!! (It was in the trailer.)

YAY! SHE HIT HIM WITH A PLANT!!! GO GARRY! (Yep, that's her name now)

AND - BOOM - SHE HITS HIM WITH A PLANT AGAIN - THREE YEARS LATER!

I get the mechanics of the plot now; it is pretty much exactly the same as The Butterfly Effect; just a "romantic" "comedy" instead of a whatever The Bufferfly Effect was (a terrific movie btw - at least I thought so back then).

And Garry's costume is kinda clever. Garry is still the best part of this movie so far.

Argh, what the fuck is he doing with his face? He tries to flirt, but he just looks constipated and douchy.

Laugh count: 2. First time I laughed was when SHE HIT HIM WITH A PLANT - and this time was the self-woooing guy, whose performance of faking someone else wooing was spot on (it makes sense if you see the movie - maybe).

Frosted tips? Ew.

A lot of time has gone by - and I've had no comments. This is really bland and cliché.

I think I know where the movie is going now. I care more for this (still obvious) plotline than the "give the stalker what he wants" plotline. Though, still, not exactly original if it goes the way I think.
(Post-movie commentary: It ended up going exactly the way I, at this moment (about halfway through the movie), thought it would go.)

Wow - this fairy tale timeline is kinda going well - and for Garry too (most importantly). Noah still has the mind of 12-year-old though, so that's still ehhh.

Laugh count: 3. This third one was literally for a guy commenting on himself popping some balloons. :-)

This is uncomfortable to watch - and not in an awkward kinda way, but in an "I don't experience schadenfreude" kinda way. Wait, is that why I haven't enjoyed the movie so far?

They don't even try to sneak in the throwback - they just push it right in your face.

At least the pretend-adult is having a kinda self-realization moment now. This is kinda moving. Huh - only surprise of the movie so far.

I just realized they can actually take this movie in a direction that isn't terrible. Huh. Let's see what they do.
_(Post-commentary commentary: They didn't.)

This twist is EXACTLY the same as the (first) Cindy-twist from How I Met Your Mother.

Laugh count: 4. That one wasn't even funny; I think the white wine is just starting to go to my head.

What is going on now?

Wise words from a guy in a kimono making a smoothie.

Everything is weird again.

I know I'm supposed to feel bad for Noah here - but I never really connected with his character - so, meh.

This scene is right out of Big as well.

This feels like a leadup to something big. And, surprise surprise, I'm not even sure what it is.
(Meta-commentary: I find it interesting how repeating the same word twice can make you sound sarcastic. This commentary wasn't sarcasm. I was actually surprised.)

Oh, that.

No, forget that "oh". Now I REALLY get where this is going. Kinda clever in a cliche-but-still-wholesome kinda way.

Still, I would have loved for this to have had a friendship ending instead of a romantic ending (that wasn't even romantic - they just forced the "oh by the way, they fell in love" part down our throats after an afterthought).

Oh, and just as I wrote that, the movie ended. Overall meh. A few twists and turns in the last half hour, but that didn't make up for all the pointlessness in the first hour.

And the moral of the story is - everything happens for a reason. Like, they litterally said that out loud in the end to make sure the viewer realized that that was the point. Sigh.

Post movie note: Somehow this movie managed to span more than 90 minutes and only have ONE (!) character have character exploration (Garry) and only ONE (!) character have character growth (Noah - which wasn't even growth, just realization). Can I get a S - I - G - H ...?

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2018-02-09)

Watching The Rogue Cut and Rambling
Apparently Days of Future Past got a new version with the Rogue storyline added back in. I'm kind of curious as to how much this changes an otherwise barely mediocre movie. Though since I disliked the movie the first time around I will have to add something extra for me to do this time to make this 2 hour and 30 minutes version bearable; so I'll be writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the whole movie. Let's see if this is going to be a long one or (more likely) that I will have almost nothing to say about this movie, once again.

Here we go...

- - -

Oh, another dystopian future Earth.

Wait, who is this enemy again that killed/enslaved the entire Earth?

I'm confused. Isn't this far, far in the future? Why haven't they aged?

So robots are the enemy? Figures.

Dead mutant.

Another one.

And another one. They are dropping like flies.

Annnnnd, one more to the pile.

This time travel bullshit is stupid.

Wolverine, is that grey in your hair? So while everyone else looks exactly the same - even the kids - you go grey? How does that make any sense?

So where is Rogue? Isn't she the whole reason for this version?

I'm confused how this movie fits in with the first three X-Men movies.

Making the entire plot of this movie rely on a flawed perception of how time travel can work is downright idiotic. I cannot see past this no matter how "cool" the rest is supposed to be.

Cold-beer-guy is dating IDCLIP-girl?

Oh, so this movie is taking place at about the same time as the first three movies? Wait, how does that even work? The whole premise of this movie is stupid as fuck.

Wait, was that a Terminator reference?

Groovy!

Wait, "a tenth of a tenth of a tenth"? That is a weird way of saying 0.1 percent. You are just trying to hide the fact that your argument is invalid. If you said "0.1 percent of people have a bazooka" then people would say "that is way too many." I agree with your opinion not to murder gifted people, but your argument is still wrong.

Don't get me started on the whole "mutants are the next level of evolution" bullshit with all its fallacies, lies, and misunderstandings of the basic concept of mutation and evolution.

The more I think about this movie, the worse I realizes that it is.

It is however always cool to watch Raven kick some ass.

Are PG13 movies only allowed one use of the word "fuck"? Because if that is the case, both this movie and First Class made the best of that one use.

Oh no. All the kids from First Class? I didn't notice this the first time I watched this movie. It is really sad.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense. He only won 3-2 in Ping Pong over the computer? Come one!

Segregation reference. Nice touch.

That kind of looks like some of the secret walls from Wolfenstein 3D.

Cool. The speedster is impatient.

There it was; the probably most referenced scene from this movie. Yep, Magneto is his father.

That speedster is way too powerful.

Wait, how does that music work? How can sound even work at that speed? Do they have the technology back then?

If it hadn't been for him, they all would have died. Well, except for Logan.

At least the acting is far from bad. Damn, Fassbender, you can act.

See, this is a perfect example of how they can make great individual scenes, even within the framework of a terrible overall story. Which just makes it even more disappointing that the story sucks.

I like the politician Beast much more than the fighting Beast.

I almost forgot: WHERE THE HELL IS ROGUE?!?!

Wait, didn't the time travel bond break just there? Within their own time travel bullshit rules, didn't that mean that the effects would immediately ripple? Why didn't that happen?

Wait, I'm pretty sure the president didn't make a reference to Tyrion Lannister having sex with Mystique in the original version of the movie. Nice touch though.

Ah, this character story is sad. If only the whole movie could have been at this level.

Magneto truly doesn't think things through, does he?

Suddenly nuns!!!

Ooh, reference to Jason Stryker.

I'm beginning to think that Tyrion has a different motive than he initially proclaimed. He might actually be having the same motive as the "bad" guy from Watchmen. One common, god-like enemy that the human race can unite against instead of fighting each other. Makes sense.

Fucking time travel bullshit.

So... Rogue? I'm still waiting...

Oooh, here it comes!!! They are subtly making references to Rogue. I do see how this plotline is misplaced. But the story overall is so shit that it doesn't really matter.

So much of this movie is so great that it really sucks that they went with such a terrible premise and story.

I don't remember this from last time. Are Raven and Nerd going to have sex - or Mystique and Beast?

The latter. :-D

Hitting the nail on the head. People of color being able to see other people of color as beautiful, but not themselves. Damn. This is what is so great about the X-Men universe.

Okay. This scene works so much better with The Rogue Cut parallel element to it.

Indiana Jones? Cool!

I certainly don't remember seeing a bloody, nazi, swastika coin in the original version. I like this fleshed out version a bit more, since there are more content to distract me from the atrocity of a story.

Can you say "over the top"?

Almost like your old Star Trek days, huh?

Wait a minute. When they earlier had an episode of Star Trek on in the background, did they actually show Captain Picard?

Boyfriend dead. Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend back - who then takes your powers. Well, that gotta suck.

Gene? Really? She's Phoenix, you know. Probably not a good idea to advice someone to take her on the team without warning them that a god dwells within her.

Awesome Wolverine metal detector reference. The small stuff they certain do get right.

Fucking hell. I just realized that Charles is a Cuba crisis veteran who got crippled under friendly fire.

What a Dick. Nixon.

This is just like one the of the Iron Man movies.

I have to give it to the anti-mutant peoople. Some of these mutants are as, or more, powerful as most gods.

I really dig teleporters. They always have a certain admirable flair to their style.

In addition to how much I hate the fucking terrible story of this movie, these two simultaneous scenes come a close second. Way, way, way over the top.

How many times in how many movies can Storm die?

I just realized another reason why I hate the story. However, it is too depressing to share, so I won't.

Take off glasses - become a superpowered hero. Where have I seen that before?

What the fuck are they fueled by? It looks like piss from someone who is dehydrated.

Was that Darwin powers? And that X-23 powers?

See, this is a brilliant scene again - but the way it came to be sucked fucking donkey ass. ARGH!!!

They are presenting these two scenes - one in the future, one in the past - as being somehow connected. THEY ARE NOT! Your own fucking premise about how your time travel works says the two situations have NOTHING to do with one another. Fuck you, whoever made this piece of shit.

Ah fuck. I forgot how this piece of crap story ended. This makes NO sense and is overall simply terrible writing. For fuck sake, get a single logical human being to consult on your work next time so you won't end up making such a huge insult to the very concept of logical thought. FUCK!!!

- - -


(Originally shared on Google+, 2015-07-11)

Watching Zombeavers and Rambling
I know this is going to be bad - but it is zombie beavers after all, so how can I pass it up? Yes, I am watching Zombeavers (2014) and writing down my rambling stream of consciousness throughout the movie.

Here we go...

- - -

I'm ready. Let the beavers come.

That mustache looks fake.

Who takes a dump on a friend's table? And then complains about the friend being mad about it?

This is weirdly, passively comical. I don't hate it.

Those beavers look weird - and they aren't even zombies yet.

Suddenly, dick pics.

I can't figure out if these scenes feel off on purpose or not.

"The suspense is killing me" - well, girl, you're alone in that.

Short shorts all around.

Don't call that old lady a "biatch." (Yes, I googled how to spell that.)

Huh, old lady got a potty mouth.

CGI dog piss? Even the radioactive beaver piss wasn't CGI.

No horror flick is completely without "no service." Even one about zombie beavers.

Obligatory topless scene.

Dam(n) beavers.

Sees bear - covers breasts. Now you are safe.

First beaver/vagina joke of the movie. That took longer than I expected.

Does that zombie beaver have a headlight?

Do zombie beavers knock?

"Hey, serial killers, we got three hot babes in here who haven't had sex in a real long time." - Yes, she actually yelled that into a forest full of zombie beavers.

And the jock enters. Make that plural. More food for the beavers.

"Wake that dick up." - Sounds like a weird country song. Maybe it's the accent.

Yelling about Power Rangers during sex? Hmm...

This movie feels very stale. I expected it to be more weird and over the top.

ZOMBIE BEAVER!!!

That was weird and over the top. 

This is so fucking cliché and stupid. Even if the zombie beavers are a twist I haven't encountered before.

This is like a 2nd grade school production of a bad horror flick. Expect with nudity and even worse writing and acting. And a lot of beavers.

WHAT?!?!

The beavers cut the phone wire. The fuck?

Beaver going for the beaver.

You can practically see the puppeteers with their hands up the beavers.

I just realized that this movie makes for a perfect/terrible beaver drinking game.

How can beavers jump that high? Oh, for a second I almost forgot what I was watching.

Stealth beaver.

They ARE using beaver puns - though not to the extent I was expecting or hoping for.

Beaver fever?

The beavers' eyes glow in the dark? Sure.

Again with the beavers cutting the phone wires?

The score of this movie is shit - even for a movie about zombie beavers. They didn't even try.

I hope that guy dies. He is a stupid, manipulative douche. Mr. Soon-to-be-beaver-food.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? BEAVER?

HOW? WHY NOW? WHAT? BEAVER EVOLUTION?

That beaver was fucked up on a whole new level.

I did not expect that. Fucking beaver.

Wait, was that almost about to be a human and beaver lesbian sex scene? ARGH!!! The horror!

Those guys suck at going up stairs. Well, at least the beaver has an excuse.

Is that beaver twerking?

Beaver whac-a-mole!

This beaver movie is actually getting better. I think.

No, movie - you can't have a sex scene in the middle of a zombie beaver attack.

The beaver devoured his dick. Mr. Now-your-dick-has-been-devoured-by-a-beaver.

How can you hit the only tree in the whole field? You can't blame the beaver this time.

No, really? A fucking zombie beaver bear? REALLY?

Beaver peek-a-boo!

That chick has really stepped up her game. And I thought she was supposed to be the stupid, pretty one who the beavers killed first.

There it was; my first laugh throughout this whole damn beaver movie.

HAHA! That was a perfect ending! Hilarious and fucking brilliant! Tying everything together (well sort of). And so fucking stupid. And it didn't even include any beavers. Figures.

Wait, what is this? They run the gag reel BEFORE the credits! Yes!

Fucking, sucking, and trucking!

This is actually pretty entertaining. The gag reel, that is.

You can strangle your penis?

This gag reel is way better than the actual movie. And they probably knew this since they placed it before the credits.

Post credits scene. What is this?

Wait, what was that? Sigh, I'll probably never know.

Done. That was certainly a completely unnecessary movie about nothing less than ZOMBIE BEAVERS!

- - - 


(Originally shared on Google+, 2014-12-05)