[ ] .WORK /tumblr

Quoting Tumblr People: Part 1

It's crazy that Leonardo da Vinci could paint and invent all that stuff and still find time to be a crime fighting turtle.

Fill your pockets with spaghetti to prevent people from pickpocketing you.

Imagine if you sneezed and then spoke another language for the rest of your life.

Two people sitting in front me on the bus were talking about how rude it is when people eavesdrop on others' conversations and I told them that I totally agree.

"If you ever feel like you’re a bad driver remember that in the entire state of Ohio in 1895 there were only two cars on the road and the drivers of those two cars crashed into each other."

"Do you think snakes ever get sad because they are unable to clap."

"One time this dude was being stupid so I said "well you can’t spell stupid without u" and he got really angry and shouted "WELL THERE'S AN 'I' IN STUPID TOO" and I just stared at him for a really long time."

"On a scale of one to invade Russia in the winter, how bad is your idea?"

"I made a salad but it was super warm so I put it in the freezer and forgot about it and now it's rock hard I'm angry. Update: Do not microwave salad."

"Pro tip: Glue a tiny mirror over your drivers license photo so when you  hand it to the police they will get confused and arrest themselves instead."

"Next time you're washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" - it's a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed."

"My favorite flavor of cake is more."

"Imagine a really small horse riding a regular sized horse."

"What you said: I'm from Australia.
What they heard: G'day mate, crikey this weather's crazy. I'll put another shrimp on the barbie after I ride my kangaroo, stone the flamin crows mate I think a dingo ate my baby."

"I hate when you email your professors and they reply and Gmail refers to them by their first name. Like excuse you, Gmail, please do not refer to my professor as Daniel. The man has a doctorate. This is just disrespectful."

"Do you ever listen to a song and you can just tell the singer has a beard?"

"So I walked into my brother's room; he was asleep and I knocked something over and he said "if you're a ghost or some shit, please fuck off, I'm too tired for this"."

"If anyone ever tells you you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life."

"Pretty cool how if you run out of money you can just stab someone and take theirs."

I just threw up."

"Ok; ice cubes are fucking badass; I mean they float around in their own blood."

"I wonder if there's ghosts in my house and if so, do they like the porn I watch."

"Today these two kids in my math class were hitting each other with pencils and my teacher glared at them and said "could you try to be a little more mature?" 
One of them screamed "TAXES" and punched the other kid in the face."

"Imagine if every single person in the world simultaneously said 'mayonnaise'."

"I like it when a girl has a food stain on her shirt because it means that she's bad with spoons and will probably need me to feed her and I'm good with spoons so it will give me a chance to show off a little."

"I always feel really uncomfortable when two heavily tattooed people have a baby and the baby comes out blank - idk, I just expect some tattoos."

"My biggest fear is dying while wearing a hat because I never wear hats and I don't want the people that find my body to think that I like to wear hats."

"I want a movie about a little girl, aged like 11-12, going through the stuggles of prepubescent girl life, with her entire inner monologue is narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.
<Shot of disgruntled adorable little girl.>
SLJ: I knew that Susie was a backstabbin’ motherfucker, and if anyone was going to ruin my chances of being Miss Sugar Drop Queen, it was that asshole."

"Mum just called to tell me she was showing people through a rental house today and there was a girl there with her parents who is in year 8 and somehow they were talking about Tumblr and mum said "I'm pizza's mum" and the girl freaked out and mum thought it was hilarious."

"One time my girlfriend texted me this blurry picture of a thermometer and there was a second where I had a heart attack because I thought it was a pregnancy test but then I came to the realization that we're lesbians."

"This guy in my class said his brother lost his wallet in Canada and someone shipped it back with souvenirs."

"My 6 year old brother has been crying for the past 20 minutes because my parents didn't invite him to their wedding 19 years ago."

"If my ceiling fan could hold my weight I'd never be bored again."

"If you're somewhere dark and scary and you think "this feels like the first five minutes of Supernatural or a horror movie" then start walking like a dinosaur for no apparent reason, because no-one in the first five minutes of Supernatural or a horror movie would start walking like a dinosaur for no apparent reason."

"OMFG, today in English class we were talking about reading books and some girl shouts "BOOKS SUCK" and the quietest girl in my class says "yeah, almost as much as you do on the weekends" - even the teacher laughed, omfg."

"So today in my human sexuality class my 60-year-old teacher brought up condoms and suggested putting them on with your mouth and we were like ok that's a cool idea.

"For all of you who are worried that there might be secret mind readers in the room just try MENTALLY SCREAMING and if anyone jumps or flinches, you know."

"Wow. It's hard to believe that the number on the back of every sports jersey is the amount of people each player has murdered."

"Put a lamp spout in your butt then rub the lamp so the genie will come out then be trapped in your butt and you can grant people wishes if they rub your butt."

"I was born at an incredibly young age."

"I will never understand girls who throw their bras at guys on stage, those things are fucking expensive and he has no use for it, like what do you want him to do pass it down to his first born daughter."

"100% of people who don't have sex with me will die eventually."

"I don't care who you fucking think you are.
If a kid wants to show you something they're proud of, you better fucking act impressed.
I don't care if it's a small score on a video game or a piece of art made of nothing but blue paint or even a fucking fake burp.
You better act like you just saw something amazing."

"My head is saying no, but my body...
...My body is also saying no."


"What if you had an accident and got a cut but yogurts came out. Would that be fucked up or what?"

"If I become a drug dealer I'm gonna say to my customers "now put THAT in your pipe and smoke it" and we'd all laugh and then I'd call the police because drugs are fucking illegal."

"They're called earth worms because Earth is the planet they will eventually rule."

Becoming an adult is weird.
It's like:
Wow, I can drive a car and set my own schedule.
Wow, I can go online and buy 50 dragon dildos.

In 2nd grade there was this boy in my class named Peter and I could never figure out if he was a boy or a girl because he had long hair and wore overalls and when I asked him he was like "I'm a boy. Why do people keep asking me if I'm a girl!?" and then the substitute was like "I see a pretty little girl in the back who needs to stop talking" and I think the expression on Peter's face is what could only be described as 300% done.

Do you ever form emotional attachments to tabs you have had open for a long time?

I was in my car and by a stop light when I looked over at this guy looking at me and smiling with a thumbs up. So I smiled back and gave him a thumbs up and drove off and it took about 15 minutes of driving before I realized that he was a hitchhiker.

Sweat is just your body crying because it wants you to stop moving.

I haven't eaten an apple in days. The doctors are closing in. My barricade won't last much longer. They're coming. Tell my family I love them.

My friend once asked me the question "if your boyfriend and your dad swapped bodies and the only way to get them to switch back was to have sex with one of them which one would you choose" and I just ran away.

My mom was pulling into a parking space today and she asked "am I relatively straight?" and I said "I think that's something you need to decide for yourself" and she told me to walk home.

Date idea: Take them to the zoo and ask "what kind of horse is that?" every time you see an animal.

I came home to hear my mum and dad shouting abuse at each other and my mum threatening divorce and I got scared but, OMFG, it's because they're playing Mario Kart.

Guys, I just ordered pizza and the pizza guy looked just like a younger Dean with a leather jacket and everything and when I opened the door I just breathed out "Dean..." really quietly in surprise and then the guy smiled and sat the pizza down and hugged me for a long time, then said "Sammy man it's good to see you." WHAT?!?!

You like putting pineapple on your pizza I hope you enjoy putting pineapples on your childrens' graves because you're WEAK, your bloodline is WEAK, and you will not survive the winter.

Today at work there were 2 really pretty girls outside and while one of my coworkers was looking at them I was crawling on the floor following an ant to see where it was going and that's probably why they think I'm gay.


When working with food, it's normal to run out of things and to get the message across, yell, "86 !" Today we ran out of turkey and I accidentally yelled "69 turkey!" and then everyone noticed my accidental number choice and I apologized to the customer as my coworkers were trying (unsuccessfully) not to laugh and I said, "we do not promote poultry intercourse" and he said, "It's cool, bestiality is whatever," and WINKED!

Drugs? No thanks, the only "high" I need is the natural rush you get from committing a murder.

Do you ever see a cute boy but then they're like 71?

I was trying to decide between a blue or a green popsicle and suddenly I realized. It's 1:30 in the morning... and I'm a goddamn adult. I can have them both!

If you are short and you want to appear taller, just talk very quietly and your friends will just think you're really far away.

My sister's dad opened the freezer and a blob of ice fell on his foot and hurt him and he was like yelling and hopping and shit and I was like "hey maybe you should put some ice on that."

One time, my sister bought her friend a gift card for her birthday that said, "At least it isn't socks," and then literally the next gift that that friend opened was a pair of socks from her aunt, and it just got really, uncomfortably quiet.

What the FUCK is that hideous yellow circle in the sky?!?!

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

Regular sex is cool.
BDSM sex is cool.
Roleplaying/Costume sex is cool too.
You know what isn't cool though? Fucking using the blue turtle shell in Mario Kart like come on man I thought we were friends.

Unless you wish for your throat area to be better acquainted with my partially oxidized tool of slicing purposes, I suggest that you refrain from actively utilizing your vocal chords and remove yourself from the premises.

I want to be the reasons why you look down at your phone, smile, and then walk into a pole.

I was in the car with my dad and a little kid ran into the road and my dad yelled "natural selection!"

She don't. Where her booty should be is nothing but a swirling void. I try to look away but cannot. The void beckons me. I shall not return. Tell mother that I love her, and that I am sorry.

Watching porn without headphones is too risky. No matter what. CIA probably bugged my house. Obama is probably laughing at my weak dick.

Today my phone autocorrected 'twerks' into 'terror' and I think there's something we can learn from that.

Sometimes I walk past a graveyard and I think "I could dress up like a ghost and haunt the shit out of that cemetery for like, weeks before anybody noticed and stopped me."
And then I realized that I was headed down a road that leads to Scooby-Doo villainy.

Fact: Canadians do not have any internal organs. They actually have very soft stuffing. This is because it makes them nicer to cuddle and also if someone wishes to punch them, their soft stuffing won't hurt their attackers hands.

If I ever have kids instead of being like "it's a boy" I'm going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like "it's the chosen one" and "it's probably not a lizard" and "we're not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help" with a different thing to every person I send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with.

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you'd have no idea.

My director yesterday was like "alright grab the nearest hottest person and kiss them on the lips" as a joke so I said "haha, I can't kiss myself" and no one heard except this one guy and so he stole my joke and shouted "I CAN'T KISS MYSELF" really loud and everyone laughed and that's the first time I killed a man. Just kidding, it wasn't the first.

I hate pants that make it look like I have a boner when I sit but then I remember I'm a girl but I still worry that somebody will think I have a boner.

1/4 part of me: I want to be cute and delicate and have a petite body.
1/4 part of me: I want to look smokin' hot and sexy in a bikini and have curves and a fuck you attitude.
1/4 part of me: I don't even care man I can totally eat all of that cake watch me.
1/4 part of me: I want to murder everyone and laugh as I bathe in their blood.

Have you ever realised that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?

Did you know if you say Bloody Mary 3 times in the mirror at 1am your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

It's weird how people say "follow your dreams" instead of "follow your ambitions" because once I had a dream where I worked for a place that tried to genetically engineer ducks to speak English except the ducks only criticized people's fashion sense.

My older sister is getting a law degree but she needs to have extra classes that aren't related to law to complete it so she's taking Tree Climbing 101.
As in:
A class that teaches you how to climb trees.
Let's talk about the American education system.

Is it inappropriate to say that my boobs looked awesome today? I mean nobody ever saw them. My costume buttons all the way to my neck and stuff. And it's not like there's anyone around to see my boobs. But I knew. Tnd that, my friends, is the important part.

So I get home and there's this random kid on my couch and he's like "alright man, I don't wanna hurt you, just put your stuff down and get on the ground, I just want your money" and I fucking almost puked I was like "OMG, please no, I don't have any money, I'm only 15" and then he was like "nah man, I'm just fuckin' with you. I'm your brother's friend; he's in the shower and I'm just waiting for him."

I stepped on the scale today and it said "bat."
It took me a few seconds to realize it meant the battery was out, but before I realized that I just said "I am not a bat" out loud.

Today I saw this cute cop and my first thought was "damn I would tap that ass so bad" and then he laughed and came closer to me and I thought I did something bad and I couldn't think what was it and when he started talking I took off my headphones and he said "that was quite a compliment, young lady" and in that moment i realized I SAID THAT OUT LOUD AND FUCK MY LIFE AND WHY MUST I HAVE A MOUTH WITH NO FILTER.

People think that I am cruel but really I have the heart of a child. 4 or 5 of them actually, I collect them.

I don't understand the need to hide tattoos if you work with children. I mean you're literally working with people that color on their body with markers all day if they could. Hell they color YOU with markers if you don't watch them close enough.
The problem is the parents who need to get the fuck over themselves.

The fact that in Norse mythology, Thor's hammer was taken by the Ogre King and he had to dress in drags to get it back makes me giggle because I just picture Chris Hemsworth in a wedding gown scheming to take back his hammer and Loki laughing at him.

My brother just sat my mum down in the living room and started crying and she was getting really worried and he burst out with "I'M PREGNANT" completely seriously, and my mum started yelling and was like "OH MY GOD, what the fuck, I raised you to be responsible" and she was literally ranting for about 10 minutes until she realised and quietly walked out of the room.

Me: <steps into TARDIS>
Doctor: Go along say it, I love this bit.
Me: ...does it have Wi-Fi?

After I got my wisdom teeth out my mouth was stuffed full of gauze and I basically passed out for hours except we were on the way to my grandfather's house and we had to drive down the highway of tears and when we arrived my mom called because the police had phoned our house to say that a constructor had reported a man driving an SUV with our license plate with a "pale, bloated, lifeless body in the front seat."
I got mistaken for a dead body.
They thought my dad was a murderer.

Girl, are you a fox because I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

Put a pancake on a girl's head when she's asleep to keep her warm and safe.

This tank top makes my boobs look so amazing I just walked into a door because I was distracted by my own cleavage, good morning everyone.

One time in math class my teacher was really pissed at us and he was yelling "DO YOU EVEN KNOW BASIC MATH? DO YOU KNOW ADDITION? WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO? COREY, WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO?" and poor corey wasn't paying attention so I leaned over to him and whispered "seven" and he blurted out "SEVEN" and I have never laughed harder and I doubt I ever will.

So my family plays this game where if someone is holding something and you yell "drop the bass" they have to drop what they're holding; so my mom was holding a carton of eggs so I yelled it and she looked me dead in the eye, dropped then eggs on the floor and whispered "you've gone too far."


[job interviewer voice] We found naked pictures of you during a quick Google search for your name and we wish to inform you... that your body is slammin', 10/10 you're hired, see you Monday.

My dream is to create a brand of pads and tampons called "THERE WILL BE BLOOD" that's non gender specific and is all black and red and the ads are just death metal and like everyone who menstruates just mudwrestling in blood and and punching republicans and everyone is all different races and sizes and ages some people have body hair and some people don't and it just ends with the words "BECAUSE YOU'RE A BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!"

I feel like Robert Pattinson auditioned for Twilight as a joke and then when he got the part he decided it would be funny to take the joke even farther and now he hates himself for doing it.

Some of you know this already but the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me was when a boy threw a cat on me and I tried to catch it and my thumb went up its butthole.

If you're secretly in love with me you should tell me.
Not because those feelings might be reciprocated but because it's really good for my ego.

The fear of tampons that exists in teenage boys is literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen. They act like it's a nuclear missile; like calm down, bro, it's just a compressed cotton ball. I swear to god if you ever want a teenage boy to leave you alone just pull out a tampon and throw it in his direction and he will run as far away as possible; it's hilarious.

Being a teenage girl is so confusing; like should I masturbate? Should I steal my parent's alcohol? Should I overthrow the government?

One time we got a new kid in fifth grade and he walks right in and sticks his hand under the stapler and staples his hand and just looks at the teacher and goes "I'm going to the nurse" and leaves.

I just sneezed and my brother texted me "shut up."

So I made my friend watch Supernatural for the first time and right at the moment when we see Mary on the ceiling, right before the fire catches, he goes "wow that's hot" and then she caught fire and he literally threw himself on the ground and yelled "I DIDNT MEAN TO!!! I TAKE IT BACK!!!" at the TV.

I once fell asleep in my history class and woke up right when my teacher asked the class a question. I, confidently, raised my hand and answered, "Turnip." The whole class stared at me while my teacher just told me to go back to sleep.

If I was a famous author I would publish a book with ten different endings which all went to print with varying degrees of rarity, but not tell the fans about it so that I could watch their confusion as they disagree over how the story ended. Then when they figured it out I would "come clean," telling them that I had released eleven alternate endings and watch them panic again as they all try to find the last ending.

I think of America as some sort of quaint faraway wonderland. It's like you guys live in another dimension. What the fuck is Black Friday, what is Thanksgiving, and what's the deal with wearing white and labour day and why aren't there any fucking u's in your words? Why do you measure in like feet and body parts and shit? That's super fucked up.

When she saw him time slowed to a stop. He was so perfect and she knew her life would never be the same because she had finally found him. The one. The first boy she would ever kill.

This one time when I was seven I thought that I could talk to trees (because I had no friends). I used to sit by them and say things and one day I was talking to my tree friend called Kevin and this girl went up to me and said "are you talking to that tree, freak!" and I started crying and hugged on to the tree, and while she was laughing one of the branches fell on the girls head; thanks, Kevin.

In elementary school I hit this kid cause he said I can't punch and I broke his nose and then my stepdad picked me up and the office was like "you have to say sorry" but then the kid was like "but she proved me wrong, she doesn't have to say sorry." Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend of many, many years.

I want to go to Mars because then I'd be the second hottest one on the planet, right behind the Curiosity rover. God, I wish I was as hot as the Curiosity rover.

I've never understood why "manslaughter" is the name for a lesser charge than murder.
Manslaughter sounds like you fucking chopped someone into pieces with a rusty axe and fed them to your dog.

At dinner my family and I were watching TV and there was a guy on it and I was like "I know him from somewhere!" and I couldn't figure out where I knew him from and then it that said he was a gay porn star and dinner suddenly became very awkward.

So today it snowed for the first time this year and I've naturally been online all day and didn't know so I went to take out the garbage in bare feet and stepped in an inch snow and I just yelled "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" and I just heard my neighbour in his backyard go "oh my God, she's outside!"

I could go into the kitchen and make soup right now. I could chop up a whole onion and put it in there and nobody could stop me. I could put cereal in it. I could dump the whole bowl onto the floor and roll around in it naked while Barbie Girl plays and then order ten of those 7 foot long gummy snakes online and nobody could do a goddamn thing. Being an adult is terrifying.

Girls take so long to get ready because we're mesmerized by our own boobs.

I was cuddling this guy once and he had his head on my chest and just whispered "what did you just think about?" and I went "Netflix" becuse I was thinking about Netflix and he just went "Oh. Your heart sped up and I... Ok."

My cousin has twin sons named Flynn and Ryder and I said "your sons' names are Flynn... and Ryder...?", thinking it was just a funny coincidence, and she looked at me kind of ashamed and whispered "I just really like Tangled."

So today I had someone look at me knitting on the bus and ask "could you BE any more gay?"
I just calmly said "I could have a dick in my mouth."

I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming and let me tell you, I'm not afraid to leave it the same way.

I burned like 3/4 of my forearm on the oven while I was making chicken and my mom was like "honey, put some butter on it, it draws the heat out" so she was rubbing a stick of butter on my arm and my stepdad was like "what's for dinner?" as he walked in and saw her slathering my arm in butter and he just slowly backed away.

My English teacher says "eh" a lot and every time I'm like "haha, I bet he's from Canada." But then I remember... I'm Canadian... I live in Canada.

Put a pancake on a girl's head when she's asleep to keep her warm and safe.

My uni students asked me if they had homework for the holidays and I felt so bad for them and their tired, dead eyes that I told them to just mail me pics of their favorite Pokemons.
Three students sent me Digimons, I can't fucking trust them with anything; I give up.

By day I am just a regular loser; by night I am the same loser, only it's nighttime.

The child I babysit sometimes is 5 years old. Last time I went to take care of him I noticed he has this awesome painting of the moon in his bedroom. He told me his mother's friend painted it. After he told me the artists name he then explained to me "She used to be a boy but she didn't feel good so now she just takes medicine and it helps her to be a girl. She feels better."
It's literally that easy to explain it to kids.


I've realized that you can't really hack someone's Tumblr like you can on Facebook. On Facebook you can update a status to say, "I like dick in the eyeball," and everyone would be freaked out. On Tumblr, people would be like, "yeah man, me too" and then post a GIF from Supernatural.

So there's a blind kid in my class, and today we were having really bad thunderstorms in our area. All of the sudden there's a huge crack of thunder and all the lights go out. Some girl screamed "Oh my god I can't see anything!" and the blind kid goes "Me either!!!" and I just lost it.

Hannibal's milkshake is made from all the boys in the yard.

Seriously considering filling my pockets with glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude I'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and release the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.

I'm laughing so much; a group of really loud boys sat down next to us in McDonald's and one of them just picked up his burger and said to his friends "I bet I can put this whole thing in my mouth" and my mom turned to me and said "well, we know who the gay one is" and they heard her and none of them have said a word since.

So today in Design class the teacher asked if I would demonstrate how to cut a piece of wood at a certain angle and a girl in my class said "Zoe's great at cutting! You should see her wrist." Before I could even react, the really quiet girl in my class got out of her seat punched the girl in the face without even saying a word.

"No homo" cries the team at the dig site. The head archaeologist sinks to his knees, sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archaeological dig site. But now, his whole life has been for nothing. There is no homo... there is only Australopithecus.

My GPS lady sounds like she hasn't been fucked in a long time.

I was at Target yesterday and this little girl wanted to buy Halo 4, but this lady came up to her and said video games are for boys. This lady had a box of Trix in her cart, so the girl grabs the box and said "and Trix are for kids" and ran off with the cereal and the game.

Today in 6th period, it was pouring rain and I arrived late to class due to appreciating the rainfall. So when I finally walked in, I was dripping wet and the teacher gave me a dirty look and said that she was going to mark me tardy with a referral to the office and I point my finger at her and said "no" and THEN THUNDER CRACKLED AT THAT EXACT MOMENT AND THE POWER WENT OUT and just to freak out everyone, I whisper "666" and this girl screamed.

I heard a pigeon outside and I said "my son." I'm not sure why.

If you put a bee in the freezer, it will get cold and fall asleep. After it's asleep, put it in your mouth, but don't eat it. Just let it sit there. It will get warm and wake up. Now you have a bee in your mouth.

These boys across from me were looking at gay porn once in class and one guy was like "dude this is so gay" and the other guy said "no it's fine, we said no homo, remember" and I almost gave myself a nosebleed trying not to laugh.

Isn't it weird to think that most people you know had sex? That cute old lady sitting next to you on the bus? Probably choked on a dick at one point in her life.

Money can't buy happiness but it can buy a false sense of security and fruity alcoholic beverages to numb the pain and honestly what's the difference.

It amazes me that I can accurately type at top speed without looking at my keyboard but still pour water down my shirt because I missed my mouth in general.

Whenever I leave a store without buying anything and I have a bag with me I'm always convinced that the owners will think I'm shoplifting so I try my hardest to wear an expression that says "I am not a shoplifter" but I'm fairly certain that I just end up looking like I have recently killed a family of 5 and eaten them for breakfast.

As a serial killer my name would be The Suspense so my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me" and we would both laugh right before I killed them.

I just remembered this time I was telling a story to a friend and it was clear she wasn't listening to me so I started making up this huge gruesome story about a cult murder I'd witnessed while she sat there nodding along to my dramatic moral struggle about whether or not I should come forward and then I looked up to see the table next to us looked utterly horrified and long story short that's why I should remember other people have ears.

One time I was on a rollercoaster and a guy's hat fell off during one of the loops but he caught it when we were right side up again, and I have to go my whole life knowing I'll never be as cool as that guy.

So we watched this extremely sad film in my psychology class and I didn't want to cry at the end so I was sitting there clenching my fists and thinking to myself "don't you fucking cry, you are a GROWN MAN" and then after like a minute I realized I'm a sixteen year old girl.

Why get a job when you can sell oregano to middle-schoolers and tell them it's weed.

I think I might be part starfish because I keep cutting off my hair but it always grows back. Also my dad was a starfish.

Ugh, you kill a few people on a camping trip and suddenly everyone calls you a "murderer." I'm so sick of labels.

If you're ever mean to me I'll seduce your dad and get him to marry me then I'll be your fucking stepmom and I'll disable the internet every night at 7 PM. Don't fucking try me.

I'll tell you what's wrong with society. No one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in... another corpse. Dude, this is getting out of hand, where is Fluffy even getting these?

I'm at the grocery store with my grandparents and my grandpa has wandered away and now my grandma is going up every isle yelling his name and I'm hiding behind a cookie display because I don't want anyone to know I'm with the crazy woman screaming "Dick" at the top of her lungs.

One time this guy was hitting on me and he said "I'm loving the whole blonde hair, blue eyes thing" and I said "so did Hitler."

I just searched my first and last name on howmanyofme.com and I thought I would be the only scott with my last name, but there are 2 in the United States and I got really mad! And then I googled my name to see if I could track down this other Scott and I found out he lives in Florida, so I got really pissed off. But then I realized I'm named after my dad.

There's a special place in hell reserved just for me.
It's called the throne.

Why is the bad girl in high school movies always the popular preppy cheerleader? Why can't we have a movie where the villain is the nerdy girl who thinks she's superior to everyone else because she watches Doctor Who and drinks tea and is "not like other girls?"

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

Why do people act like being a vampire is so fucking great. You can't eat garlic bread, so what's the point?

What if you had an identical twin that did porn and you like went to the grocery and they're like "OMG, I saw you take 3 dicks at once while wearing a turtle costume" and your like "god dammit, Gary."

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.

When my friend told her drug dealer that she was transgender he immediately started using the correct pronouns for her and her parents don't, so there's an issue there.

A guy at school today was wearing this damn fine red nail polish and I heard these two girls whispering angrily and looking in his direction, so I listened in expecting them to be weird about it and the first thing I hear is "how the HELL did he get it so good? Did he get it professionally done or something? You need to ask him where he found that colour; Jesus Fucking Christ are you KIDDING me!"

My friend's sister was telling me about how in highschool a guy tried to take a picture up her skirt as she was walking up stairs and she saw, grabbed his phone, broke it in half, and handed it back to him and said "you can tell your mom why your phone is broken."

I was at a friend's house once over the summer and they lived on a farm and they had a rabbit cage; and I went in because there were like a HUNDRED rabbits in there and my friend thought it would be funny to lock me in the rabbit cage and I was stuck there for a really long while; but I had my backpack which had a few snacks and a copy of Watership Down in it; so I gathered all the rabbits around me and read Watership Down to them and I'm actually a Disney princess.

I was talking with my brothers yesterday and we decided the best way to own a guy who takes off his shirt to fight you is to pick his shirt up and put it on.

A girl told me that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm "a slut" and "guys don't like sluts" which is funny because I thought I didn't have one because I'm gay.

Sometimes I walk past a graveyard and I think "I could dress up like a ghost and haunt the shit out of that cemetery for like, weeks before anybody noticed and stopped me."
And then I realized that I was headed down a road that leads to Scooby-Doo villainy.

Why say nip slip when peek-a-boob is so much better.

Some guy just whistled at me while driving by and my dad goes "don't worry, that was for me."

The odds of being attacked by a shark in the US are 1 in 11,500,000, but no one gets mad at people who want to avoid the ocean.
The odds of a woman being sexually assaulted in her lifetime are 1 in 6, but if she doesn't feel safe around strange men she's a stereotyping bitch.
Strange old world we live in.

I just heard my mom yelling "YOU MOTHERFUCKER" and I was worried my parents were having a fight so I went downstairs to check it out but when I got there my dad was just giggling hysterically and all I could see was a pile of Uno cards with a +4 card at the top.

Yeah baby I am an ANIMAL in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

I love kids they are so much funnier to talk to than adults. I asked a toddler today what's up and he said "ten" with such conviction I really did believe it was an adequate response to my question for a second.

I feel bad for teachers because I distinctly remember my mom bursting into tears once when she was grading papers and she was just mumbling "they're so goddamn stupid" over and over.

Today at work a little girl and her dad came through my line and she picked up two things of Altoids and she was like "Daddy, let's get the same flavor! So when you're in Afghanistan I can eat mine and you can eat yours and we can be together!" and me and my cashier just stood there like DON'T CRY DON'T FUCKING CRY DON'T BE A BABY AND FUCKING CRY!
And then they left and we fucking wailed like children.

My mom heard the beginning of Same Love by Macklemore and she looked at me and said "when you were 4 you sat in your room and cried for hours and when I asked you what was wrong you said 'mom, I think I'm black'."

Telling the substitute teacher the wrong names: a classic. Telling the substitute teacher you are so old and born again every day, that ten thousand names could never define you, that you're a shadowed mass swirling forth from Jupiter, that your father is time and your mother is death, that you'll swallow any scream of hers as you grow larger and ever larger: a super classic, king of the school, no homework ever.

I just wanna see what Mackleman drew in 3rd grade that was so good it made him question his sexuality.


Last night when I got home I was so drunk that I watched porn without headphones in and ate half a bottle of strawberry lube. Like I literally forgot how to masturbate but I was just like "yeah this feels about right."

I watch so much American TV nowadays that today when I went downstairs and saw my dad drinking tea I thought to myself "What is he, British?" and then I realized. My dad is British. I am British. We live in Britain.

If I ever turned invisible the first thing I'd do is go to France and beat up a mime. Everyone would think he is the greatest performer to ever live.

I stubbed my toe and naturally I screamed "MOTHERFUCKER!" and then my dad poked his head out of the living room and said "you rang?"

What if lawn mowers are so loud because they have to cover the screams of the grass being massacred.

Why the fuck is there so much stigma surrounding going to the movies by yourself? Why the fuck do you need someone to help you sit in the dark and look at a wall for two hours? "Oh look at that dork they don't even have a friend to ignore for the entire duration of this event."

I may be ugly but at least I have an ugly personality too. Consistency is key.

You know what? I don't care if being a lesbian isn't natural. It's 2014. Oreos don't have a single natural ingredient in them that isn't distilled out of recognition. People get their vegetables from cans. They have made cruelty-free, lab-grown BACON. People fly around in big, metal machines.
Not natural. Is not bad.
Your rhetoric is no longer a valid excuse for hate.

Why did the semen cross the road?
I wore the wrong socks.

I never run voluntarily so if you ever see me running you should start running too because something is coming.

When I die I want to be buried wearing a pair of sunglasses so that a few decades down the line I will also be a cool skeleton.

I don't understand American school years what the fuck is a freshman or a sophomore; why do you have these words instead of the numbers?

If you ever think your parents are too hard on you just remember that Mufasa materialized as a cloud to tell Simba to get his shit together.

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on a shelf I can't reach, but I don't want to jump to conclusions.

My thing is, have sex whenever you decide to want to have sex. You want to have sex on the first night, go ahead. You want to have sex after 20 dates, go ahead. You want to never have sex, go ahead. People think that someone's sexual choices actually coincide with their personality. If all you can think of someone's worth is whether they want to have sex or not, then the problem is probably you.

It's my headcanon that Rick Astley has no idea what the rickroll meme is and has never encountered it.

Why yes I have bathed in the blood of a virgin;
I got a nose bleed in the shower once.

My milkshakes bring all the boys tp the yard and they're like "your friend is hot."

So I went to Disney about a month ago and I got to meet Aurora. She asked me and my mom if there were any "princes" with us today. When I told her that I leaned more toward princesses she looked over at Cinderella sighed and replied with "yeah, me too" and I think about that a lot.

Does anyone else convert oxygen into carbon dioxide or is that just me?

People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "oh fuck yea" under your breath when you look at their photos.

Date you? I thought you said 'cremate you.' Hahaha, what a hilarious misunderstanding. <pile of ashes does not respond>

Fuck your bedtime, mom. It's probably like 5 AM in China right now. Time is a human construction that doesn't even exist. If you reject time you can transcend it. Please, I want to play Halo.

Telling your son not to "be such a girl" lets his sister who overhears the conversation know that being a girl is not a good thing and she should be sorry and ashamed of herself.
It also reminds your son that being a boy is better than being a girl and therefore he is better than any girl he will ever meet.

My best friend is an atheist, but whenever she is comforting me with something in my life she uses examples of God to help me because she knows it makes me feel better, and vice versa, when I comfort her I never bring up God because I respect that it's not something that helps or works for her. I feel like this is a model of how the world should work.

I still sometimes look at super vague Facebook posts from people and imagine that they are talking about their last bowel movement. Try it sometime; it makes Facebook drama 8000 % funnier.

How come it's cool for snakes to spit venom and unhinge their jaw to swallow people whole, but when I do it, I'm the "antichrist" and I need an "exorcism"?

I think I may be gayer than originally planned.

You know it's a good friendship when you actually sit down and establish that you're best friends and sign a contract while having a lawyer present.

Arteries will always hold a special place in my heart.

Straight boys don't shut their mouths because their lips would be touching and that's gay.

Y'know people say shit about social media along the lines of "OMG no one cares what anyone had for breakfast" and the like.
I do? I care. I'm pretty sure a lot of people care. I want to hear that the people I care about are having delicious breakfasts or saw something odd at work or flirted with a cute barista. Or just any little thoughts they have that they feel are worth sharing.
I've always kind of assumed that's how you're supposed to feel about your friends.

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.

A peaceful walk in the woods really relaxes me. The fact that I'm dragging a body should be irrelevant.

Growing up I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

I'm not like other girls. Actually, I'm nothing like other girls. And that girl you saw get on the bus earlier isn't like other girls either. It's surprising, really; it's almost as if everybody is different from each other. 

If you are the older twin, call your little sibling a few times a day and be like "when I was your age" and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.

I was at Walmart the other day, and I was sitting on a bench waiting for my mom to pay, and I was braiding my hair because that's something I do when I'm bored, and this dude walks by and says, "hey baby, what else can you do with your hands?" I gave him my most polite smile and said in the sweetest way possible, "strangle you."
And I think I actually scared him because his eyes got kind of wide and he just walked away.

There's no reason to tailgate someone in the slow lane, especially when I'm going 35 over the speed limit.
And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

So much of this website is just outcasts bullying other outcasts for not being the right kind of outcast.

I want a shirt that says "eat or die" because at first it sounds rebellious but it's just a reminder.

My little sister is a really pretty girl and she gets dick pics all the time from annoying boys, so being the girl she is, she started using them as blackmail. She now has about 30 boys doing her bidding because one stepped out of line and she got someone to print out 500 copies of the photo and mailed it to his family. My sister is 16 and she's running a black mail Mafia. She's going places.

Today I saw a dude try to physically remove a teenage girl from the disabled seating on the train, complaining about his weak ankles and hypertension and how pathetic and discourteous youth were. She literally threw her prosthetic leg at him.

Periods help you learn how to get blood off of things, which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught with murder.

Fucking doctor trying to tell me I have "radiation poisoning" like it's something I definitely care about. Can I fly or not?

I have no problem watching a full season of a TV series in one sitting, but when it comes time to pick a movie I'm like "am I really ready to pay attention to something for two hours?"

I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a computer screen.

My dad is like "I hope you get a boyfriend who likes to fish, I WILL TAKE HIM FISHING!" And then sorta stopped and was like "Or a girl I don't care, I want to take THEM FISHING!"

I want a superhero movie where the hero dies in the first ten minutes and the woman who was supposed to be the love interest puts on his costume and becomes an even better hero.

Replacing my heart with another liver so I can drink more and care less.

Peter Parker went from using Bing in the first Spider-Man movie to using Google in the sequel and if that's not character development, I don't know what is.

Some people think the the British obsession with tea is a false stereotype but let me tell you that one time my mum and I had a massive argument and she made me some tea as a peace offering and I poured it down the sink and made my own cup.

Oh my god, I'm at the grocery store and there is a guy in the frozen section who is tweaked off his balls on some kind hallucinatory drug. I'm in the next isle meowing softly through the cereal boxes where he can't see me and he is losing his shit pulling pizza boxes out of the freezers and yelling that he needs to save the popsicle cat. Am I a bad person?

A motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs: The Bikings.

One thing that Tumblr is helping me with is accepting the fact that no matter what you do there will always be people that hate you for absolutely no reason.

I got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that's born to die in a society run by money that I can't escape is one of them.

According to physics, nothing ever quite touches. When you lay your hand on something, there is a microscopic amount of space between the atoms of your hand and whatever you're touching. So no, Officer, technically I'm not jacking off right now.

Plot twist: A movie with a 20-something character who has never kissed anyone and has never had sex but is presented as a perfectly normal, socially well-adjusted individual.

Sex is cool... but have you ever had garlic bread?

Seeing people type google.com in the chrome addressbar hurts me physically.

Competetive multiplayer game where one person plays a baby and another person has to go around baby proofing their house and the baby's goal is to kill itself as fast as possible.

Do you ever fall in hate with someone. Like at first, they seem fine. Then they start annoying you a bit. AND THEN YOU JUST WANT TO THROW A SKYSCRAPER AT THEM AND BURN THE HEART OUT OF THEM AND DISABLE THEIR INTERNET ACCESS.

The thing is though everytime a girl compliments me on a dress/skirt with pockets and I declare "thanks, it has pockets", her response completely changes from "oh that's nice" to "FUCK ME BACKWARDS ARE YOU FOR REAL SHOW ME SHOW ME THE POCKETS!"

I'm a forensic criminologist our slogan is "can't run fast enough to be a serial killer so I'll just help the police catch them."

It's a metaphor. You put the spider between your teeth, but you don't actually swallow it, so you stay average and Spiders Georg remains an outlier who shouldn't have been counted.

My mum only said yes to marrying my dad because she thought he was joking.

Friend: Hey! That guy is cute.
Me: Oh, he's a gay porn star.
Friend: Why?
Me: I don't know, his choice, good for him.
Me: Because I was looking up how to knit, why the hell do you think?

Reason why girls shouldn't have short hair: They will be so cute that your insides will explode and your eyes will melt out of your skull because they are too cute. They will kill you. Girls with short hair will kill you with their cuteness.

Today a boy actually told me that the fact that I date girls is a real turn-off for guys and that I will never find a boyfriend. He was being entirely serious and I don't think I've ever laughed in someone's face so hard.

If someone calls you a slut, break their fucking neck without even hesitating or saying a single word and as they lay there on the ground dead, lean down close to their corpse and whisper, "slut means the end in Swedish."

Wow, my brother was telling me this joke and he said "if you're fighting with a woman and she pulls a knife on you, just pull out the bread and cheese and meat and her womanly instincts will kick in and she'll just make you a sandwich." Then all of a sudden our mom emerges from the kitchen holding a huge ass knife and she approaches my brother asking "sorry, what was that?" and he started screaming.

One time we had missionaries over at our house, and my mom mentioned the fact that there is a Star Wars religion. One of them got so excited that he clapped his hands together and blurted out: "I WANT TO JOIN!"
The other missionary gave him a surprised look, and then, I kid you not, two seconds later it started pouring and hailing outside. The other missionary just glared at him and went: "Look at what you've done."


I just had a straight guy tell me "Gah I love lesbians" and before I could even say anything, he added, "because, ya know, they like the same thing I do and sometimes it's nice to get advice from a girl instead of guys who think making love is just repeatedly putting your dick in something, ya know?" And I have never been more proud of the human race.

If you don't play tetris with your groceries on the conveyer belt, you are honestly taking life too seriously.

... continued on #quotingtumblrpeoplepart2 (link in top if #-link doesn't work)