Quoting Tumblr People: Part 1
marblefacade.tumblr.com:
It's crazy that Leonardo da Vinci could paint and invent all that stuff and still find time to be a crime fighting turtle.
wartortles.tumblr.com:
Fill your pockets with spaghetti to prevent people from pickpocketing you.
controllare.tumblr.com:
Imagine if you sneezed and then spoke another language for the rest of your life.
vegan-because-fuck-you.tumblr.com:
Two people sitting in front me on the bus were talking about how rude it is when people eavesdrop on others' conversations and I told them that I totally agree.
forbrightskies.tumblr.com:
"If you ever feel like you’re a bad driver remember that in the entire state of Ohio in 1895 there were only two cars on the road and the drivers of those two cars crashed into each other."
iphone420.tumblr.com:
"Do you think snakes ever get sad because they are unable to clap."
digitaldoggy.tumblr.com:
"One time this dude was being stupid so I said "well you can’t spell stupid without u" and he got really angry and shouted "WELL THERE'S AN 'I' IN STUPID TOO" and I just stared at him for a really long time."
twelvejammiedodgers-andafez.tumblr.com:
"On a scale of one to invade Russia in the winter, how bad is your idea?"
probend.tumblr.com:
"I made a salad but it was super warm so I put it in the freezer and forgot about it and now it's rock hard I'm angry. Update: Do not microwave salad."
partybarackisinthehousetonight.tumblr.com:
"Pro tip: Glue a tiny mirror over your drivers license photo so when you hand it to the police they will get confused and arrest themselves instead."
jordansblog.me:
"Next time you're washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" - it's a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed."
blessthebutt.tumblr.com:
"My favorite flavor of cake is more."
charile.tumblr.com:
"Imagine a really small horse riding a regular sized horse."
kateymareemeowr.tumblr.com:
"What you said: I'm from Australia.
What they heard: G'day mate, crikey this weather's crazy. I'll put another shrimp on the barbie after I ride my kangaroo, stone the flamin crows mate I think a dingo ate my baby."
shadesofsky.tumblr.com:
"I hate when you email your professors and they reply and Gmail refers to them by their first name. Like excuse you, Gmail, please do not refer to my professor as Daniel. The man has a doctorate. This is just disrespectful."
bombliate.tumblr.com
"Do you ever listen to a song and you can just tell the singer has a beard?"
kellinsbum.tumblr.com:
"So I walked into my brother's room; he was asleep and I knocked something over and he said "if you're a ghost or some shit, please fuck off, I'm too tired for this"."
juicy-bliss.tumblr.com:
"If anyone ever tells you you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life."
mytoecold.tumblr.com:
"Pretty cool how if you run out of money you can just stab someone and take theirs."
turnc0at.tumblr.com:
"GUESS WHO GOT SOME APPLE FLAVOURED SHAMPOO!
WAIT, NO; I MEANT SCENTED!
DON'T WORRY IT TASTES LIKE APPLES TOO!
I just threw up."
deadlyspoons.tumblr.com:
"Ok; ice cubes are fucking badass; I mean they float around in their own blood."
fatwink.tumblr.com:
"I wonder if there's ghosts in my house and if so, do they like the porn I watch."
leeeeverett.tumblr.com:
"Today these two kids in my math class were hitting each other with pencils and my teacher glared at them and said "could you try to be a little more mature?"
One of them screamed "TAXES" and punched the other kid in the face."
partybarackisinthehousetonight.tumblr.com:
"Imagine if every single person in the world simultaneously said 'mayonnaise'."
brandnewswastikas.tumblr.com:
"I like it when a girl has a food stain on her shirt because it means that she's bad with spoons and will probably need me to feed her and I'm good with spoons so it will give me a chance to show off a little."
partybarackisinthehousetonight.tumblr.com:
"I always feel really uncomfortable when two heavily tattooed people have a baby and the baby comes out blank - idk, I just expect some tattoos."
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
"My biggest fear is dying while wearing a hat because I never wear hats and I don't want the people that find my body to think that I like to wear hats."
doxian.tumblr.com:
"I want a movie about a little girl, aged like 11-12, going through the stuggles of prepubescent girl life, with her entire inner monologue is narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.
<Shot of disgruntled adorable little girl.>
SLJ: I knew that Susie was a backstabbin’ motherfucker, and if anyone was going to ruin my chances of being Miss Sugar Drop Queen, it was that asshole."
pizza.tumblr.com:
"Mum just called to tell me she was showing people through a rental house today and there was a girl there with her parents who is in year 8 and somehow they were talking about Tumblr and mum said "I'm pizza's mum" and the girl freaked out and mum thought it was hilarious."
queerallman.tumblr.com:
"One time my girlfriend texted me this blurry picture of a thermometer and there was a second where I had a heart attack because I thought it was a pregnancy test but then I came to the realization that we're lesbians."
awellkept-secret.tumblr.com:
"This guy in my class said his brother lost his wallet in Canada and someone shipped it back with souvenirs."
style-fad.tumblr.com:
"My 6 year old brother has been crying for the past 20 minutes because my parents didn't invite him to their wedding 19 years ago."
rnedia.tumblr.com:
"If my ceiling fan could hold my weight I'd never be bored again."
theinvisibleking.tumblr.com:
"If you're somewhere dark and scary and you think "this feels like the first five minutes of Supernatural or a horror movie" then start walking like a dinosaur for no apparent reason, because no-one in the first five minutes of Supernatural or a horror movie would start walking like a dinosaur for no apparent reason."
toxic-ponies.tumblr.com:
"OMFG, today in English class we were talking about reading books and some girl shouts "BOOKS SUCK" and the quietest girl in my class says "yeah, almost as much as you do on the weekends" - even the teacher laughed, omfg."
mishaslittlefella.tumblr.com:
"So today in my human sexuality class my 60-year-old teacher brought up condoms and suggested putting them on with your mouth and we were like ok that's a cool idea.
Then he grabbed a banana and opened and condom and put the condom in his mouth and FUCKING DEEPTHROATED THE GODDAMN BANANA TO PUT THE CONDOM ON IT AND WE WERE ALL JUST SITTING THERE IN SHOCK AND ONE KID STARTED CLAPPING."
thatpsychowriter.tumblr.com:
"For all of you who are worried that there might be secret mind readers in the room just try MENTALLY SCREAMING and if anyone jumps or flinches, you know."
partybarackisinthehousetonight.tumblr.com:
"Wow. It's hard to believe that the number on the back of every sports jersey is the amount of people each player has murdered."
deucebowl.tumblr.com:
"Put a lamp spout in your butt then rub the lamp so the genie will come out then be trapped in your butt and you can grant people wishes if they rub your butt."
foodtrucker.tumblr.com:
"I was born at an incredibly young age."
mutilatedmemories.tumblr.com:
"I will never understand girls who throw their bras at guys on stage, those things are fucking expensive and he has no use for it, like what do you want him to do pass it down to his first born daughter."
lonelywhiteasian.tumblr.com:
"100% of people who don't have sex with me will die eventually."
the-chubby-nerd.tumblr.com:
"I don't care who you fucking think you are.
If a kid wants to show you something they're proud of, you better fucking act impressed.
I don't care if it's a small score on a video game or a piece of art made of nothing but blue paint or even a fucking fake burp.
You better act like you just saw something amazing."
ishipitlikeups.tumblr.com:
"My head is saying no, but my body...
...My body is also saying no."
thedukeoflions.tumblr.com:
"IMAGINE IF YOU TRIED TO KICK A SHEEP WITH YOUR VELCRO SHOES AND IT JUST GOT STUCK."
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
"What if you had an accident and got a cut but yogurts came out. Would that be fucked up or what?"
meladoodle.tumblr.com:
"If I become a drug dealer I'm gonna say to my customers "now put THAT in your pipe and smoke it" and we'd all laugh and then I'd call the police because drugs are fucking illegal."
msjewbooty.tumblr.com:
"They're called earth worms because Earth is the planet they will eventually rule."
ostolero.tumblr.com:
Becoming an adult is weird.
It's like:
Wow, I can drive a car and set my own schedule.
Wow, I can go online and buy 50 dragon dildos.
ivlostmymindd.tumblr.com:
In 2nd grade there was this boy in my class named Peter and I could never figure out if he was a boy or a girl because he had long hair and wore overalls and when I asked him he was like "I'm a boy. Why do people keep asking me if I'm a girl!?" and then the substitute was like "I see a pretty little girl in the back who needs to stop talking" and I think the expression on Peter's face is what could only be described as 300% done.
baboushkat.tumblr.com:
Do you ever form emotional attachments to tabs you have had open for a long time?
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
I was in my car and by a stop light when I looked over at this guy looking at me and smiling with a thumbs up. So I smiled back and gave him a thumbs up and drove off and it took about 15 minutes of driving before I realized that he was a hitchhiker.
pityreblogs.tumblr.com:
Sweat is just your body crying because it wants you to stop moving.
coolscar.tumblr.com:
I haven't eaten an apple in days. The doctors are closing in. My barricade won't last much longer. They're coming. Tell my family I love them.
meladoodle.tumblr.com:
My friend once asked me the question "if your boyfriend and your dad swapped bodies and the only way to get them to switch back was to have sex with one of them which one would you choose" and I just ran away.
jpierrepontcriss.tumblr.com:
My mom was pulling into a parking space today and she asked "am I relatively straight?" and I said "I think that's something you need to decide for yourself" and she told me to walk home.
depressionista.tumblr.com:
Date idea: Take them to the zoo and ask "what kind of horse is that?" every time you see an animal.
hiiddles.tumblr.com:
I came home to hear my mum and dad shouting abuse at each other and my mum threatening divorce and I got scared but, OMFG, it's because they're playing Mario Kart.
yourlifesnolongerempty.tumblr.com:
Guys, I just ordered pizza and the pizza guy looked just like a younger Dean with a leather jacket and everything and when I opened the door I just breathed out "Dean..." really quietly in surprise and then the guy smiled and sat the pizza down and hugged me for a long time, then said "Sammy man it's good to see you." WHAT?!?!
nostalgiaultra.tumblr.com:
You like putting pineapple on your pizza I hope you enjoy putting pineapples on your childrens' graves because you're WEAK, your bloodline is WEAK, and you will not survive the winter.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
Today at work there were 2 really pretty girls outside and while one of my coworkers was looking at them I was crawling on the floor following an ant to see where it was going and that's probably why they think I'm gay.
hamsterangst.tumblr.com:
WHENEVER I TOUCH CEILINGS I FEEL REALLY POWERFUL!
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
When working with food, it's normal to run out of things and to get the message across, yell, "86 !" Today we ran out of turkey and I accidentally yelled "69 turkey!" and then everyone noticed my accidental number choice and I apologized to the customer as my coworkers were trying (unsuccessfully) not to laugh and I said, "we do not promote poultry intercourse" and he said, "It's cool, bestiality is whatever," and WINKED!
rnedia.tumblr.com:
Drugs? No thanks, the only "high" I need is the natural rush you get from committing a murder.
mickjaggersnipple.tumblr.com:
Do you ever see a cute boy but then they're like 71?
squidbiscuit.tumblr.com:
I was trying to decide between a blue or a green popsicle and suddenly I realized. It's 1:30 in the morning... and I'm a goddamn adult. I can have them both!
meladoodle.com:
If you are short and you want to appear taller, just talk very quietly and your friends will just think you're really far away.
tarclis.tumblr.com:
My sister's dad opened the freezer and a blob of ice fell on his foot and hurt him and he was like yelling and hopping and shit and I was like "hey maybe you should put some ice on that."
ishipitlikeups.tumblr.com:
One time, my sister bought her friend a gift card for her birthday that said, "At least it isn't socks," and then literally the next gift that that friend opened was a pair of socks from her aunt, and it just got really, uncomfortably quiet.
320k.tumblr.com:
What the FUCK is that hideous yellow circle in the sky?!?!
crustydollparts.tumblr.com:
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.
thetallblacknerd.tumblr.com:
Regular sex is cool.
BDSM sex is cool.
Roleplaying/Costume sex is cool too.
You know what isn't cool though? Fucking using the blue turtle shell in Mario Kart like come on man I thought we were friends.
the-beatles-are-my-boyband.tumblr.com:
Unless you wish for your throat area to be better acquainted with my partially oxidized tool of slicing purposes, I suggest that you refrain from actively utilizing your vocal chords and remove yourself from the premises.
traen.tumblr.com:
I want to be the reasons why you look down at your phone, smile, and then walk into a pole.
ostracizedpoodle.tumblr.com:
I was in the car with my dad and a little kid ran into the road and my dad yelled "natural selection!"
armageddotron.tumblr.com:
DO SHE GOT A BOOTY?
She don't. Where her booty should be is nothing but a swirling void. I try to look away but cannot. The void beckons me. I shall not return. Tell mother that I love her, and that I am sorry.
ghostgif.tumblr.com:
Watching porn without headphones is too risky. No matter what. CIA probably bugged my house. Obama is probably laughing at my weak dick.
letsbringparisrighthere.tumblr.com:
Today my phone autocorrected 'twerks' into 'terror' and I think there's something we can learn from that.
raptorific.tumblr.com:
Sometimes I walk past a graveyard and I think "I could dress up like a ghost and haunt the shit out of that cemetery for like, weeks before anybody noticed and stopped me."
And then I realized that I was headed down a road that leads to Scooby-Doo villainy.
factssphere.tumblr.com:
Fact: Canadians do not have any internal organs. They actually have very soft stuffing. This is because it makes them nicer to cuddle and also if someone wishes to punch them, their soft stuffing won't hurt their attackers hands.
alexanderperchov.tumblr.com:
If I ever have kids instead of being like "it's a boy" I'm going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like "it's the chosen one" and "it's probably not a lizard" and "we're not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help" with a different thing to every person I send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with.
rabioheab.tumblr.com:
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you'd have no idea.
meladoodle.tumblr.com:
My director yesterday was like "alright grab the nearest hottest person and kiss them on the lips" as a joke so I said "haha, I can't kiss myself" and no one heard except this one guy and so he stole my joke and shouted "I CAN'T KISS MYSELF" really loud and everyone laughed and that's the first time I killed a man. Just kidding, it wasn't the first.
thepizzakitty.tumblr.com:
I hate pants that make it look like I have a boner when I sit but then I remember I'm a girl but I still worry that somebody will think I have a boner.
teenytigress.tumblr.com:
1/4 part of me: I want to be cute and delicate and have a petite body.
1/4 part of me: I want to look smokin' hot and sexy in a bikini and have curves and a fuck you attitude.
1/4 part of me: I don't even care man I can totally eat all of that cake watch me.
1/4 part of me: I want to murder everyone and laugh as I bathe in their blood.
coastlineteens.tumblr.com:
Have you ever realised that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
nuggits2.tumblr.com:
Did you know if you say Bloody Mary 3 times in the mirror at 1am your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.
drarna.tumblr.com:
It's weird how people say "follow your dreams" instead of "follow your ambitions" because once I had a dream where I worked for a place that tried to genetically engineer ducks to speak English except the ducks only criticized people's fashion sense.
the-vashta-nerada.tumblr.com:
My older sister is getting a law degree but she needs to have extra classes that aren't related to law to complete it so she's taking Tree Climbing 101.
As in:
A class that teaches you how to climb trees.
Let's talk about the American education system.
phantomboats.tumblr.com:
Is it inappropriate to say that my boobs looked awesome today? I mean nobody ever saw them. My costume buttons all the way to my neck and stuff. And it's not like there's anyone around to see my boobs. But I knew. Tnd that, my friends, is the important part.
primadonnas.tumblr.com:
So I get home and there's this random kid on my couch and he's like "alright man, I don't wanna hurt you, just put your stuff down and get on the ground, I just want your money" and I fucking almost puked I was like "OMG, please no, I don't have any money, I'm only 15" and then he was like "nah man, I'm just fuckin' with you. I'm your brother's friend; he's in the shower and I'm just waiting for him."
zealotarchaeologist.tumblr.com:
I stepped on the scale today and it said "bat."
It took me a few seconds to realize it meant the battery was out, but before I realized that I just said "I am not a bat" out loud.
crlsscolfer.tumblr.com:
Today I saw this cute cop and my first thought was "damn I would tap that ass so bad" and then he laughed and came closer to me and I thought I did something bad and I couldn't think what was it and when he started talking I took off my headphones and he said "that was quite a compliment, young lady" and in that moment i realized I SAID THAT OUT LOUD AND FUCK MY LIFE AND WHY MUST I HAVE A MOUTH WITH NO FILTER.
cookingmamas.tumblr.com:
People think that I am cruel but really I have the heart of a child. 4 or 5 of them actually, I collect them.
menacherie.tumblr.com:
I don't understand the need to hide tattoos if you work with children. I mean you're literally working with people that color on their body with markers all day if they could. Hell they color YOU with markers if you don't watch them close enough.
The problem is the parents who need to get the fuck over themselves.
antisociallysplendid.tumblr.com:
The fact that in Norse mythology, Thor's hammer was taken by the Ogre King and he had to dress in drags to get it back makes me giggle because I just picture Chris Hemsworth in a wedding gown scheming to take back his hammer and Loki laughing at him.
cumberbulge.tumblr.com:
My brother just sat my mum down in the living room and started crying and she was getting really worried and he burst out with "I'M PREGNANT" completely seriously, and my mum started yelling and was like "OH MY GOD, what the fuck, I raised you to be responsible" and she was literally ranting for about 10 minutes until she realised and quietly walked out of the room.
siilencewillfall.tumblr.com:
Me: <steps into TARDIS>
Doctor: Go along say it, I love this bit.
Me: ...does it have Wi-Fi?
kakashidori.tumblr.com:
After I got my wisdom teeth out my mouth was stuffed full of gauze and I basically passed out for hours except we were on the way to my grandfather's house and we had to drive down the highway of tears and when we arrived my mom called because the police had phoned our house to say that a constructor had reported a man driving an SUV with our license plate with a "pale, bloated, lifeless body in the front seat."
...
I got mistaken for a dead body.
...
They thought my dad was a murderer.
lron-man.tumblr.com:
Girl, are you a fox because I don't know what the fuck you're saying.
brandnewswastikas.tumblr.com:
Put a pancake on a girl's head when she's asleep to keep her warm and safe.
thats-slightly-raven.tumblr.com:
This tank top makes my boobs look so amazing I just walked into a door because I was distracted by my own cleavage, good morning everyone.
lucifers-timelords.tumblr.com:
One time in math class my teacher was really pissed at us and he was yelling "DO YOU EVEN KNOW BASIC MATH? DO YOU KNOW ADDITION? WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO? COREY, WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO?" and poor corey wasn't paying attention so I leaned over to him and whispered "seven" and he blurted out "SEVEN" and I have never laughed harder and I doubt I ever will.
castielsteenwolf.tumblr.com:
So my family plays this game where if someone is holding something and you yell "drop the bass" they have to drop what they're holding; so my mom was holding a carton of eggs so I yelled it and she looked me dead in the eye, dropped then eggs on the floor and whispered "you've gone too far."
french-toast-with-maple-syrup.tumblr.com:
SO WE WENT OUT FOR DINNER AND WE STOPPED AT STARBUCKS ON OUR WAY HOME AND I ORDERED AND THEY ASKED ME MY NAME AND I SAID "LORD VOLDEMORT" AND ONCE IT WAS READY - I SHIT YOU NOT - THE LADY SAID "TALL VANILLA FRAPPUCINO FOR THE DARK LORD."
goonsac.tumblr.com:
[job interviewer voice] We found naked pictures of you during a quick Google search for your name and we wish to inform you... that your body is slammin', 10/10 you're hired, see you Monday.
the-insultana-of-ott.tumblr.com:
My dream is to create a brand of pads and tampons called "THERE WILL BE BLOOD" that's non gender specific and is all black and red and the ads are just death metal and like everyone who menstruates just mudwrestling in blood and and punching republicans and everyone is all different races and sizes and ages some people have body hair and some people don't and it just ends with the words "BECAUSE YOU'RE A BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!"
catsandfangirling.tumblr.com:
I feel like Robert Pattinson auditioned for Twilight as a joke and then when he got the part he decided it would be funny to take the joke even farther and now he hates himself for doing it.
gorilllas.tumblr.com:
Some of you know this already but the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me was when a boy threw a cat on me and I tried to catch it and my thumb went up its butthole.
grrrlfever.tumblr.com:
If you're secretly in love with me you should tell me.
Not because those feelings might be reciprocated but because it's really good for my ego.
vajoochie.tumblr.com:
The fear of tampons that exists in teenage boys is literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen. They act like it's a nuclear missile; like calm down, bro, it's just a compressed cotton ball. I swear to god if you ever want a teenage boy to leave you alone just pull out a tampon and throw it in his direction and he will run as far away as possible; it's hilarious.
owlmylove.tumblr.com:
Being a teenage girl is so confusing; like should I masturbate? Should I steal my parent's alcohol? Should I overthrow the government?
dilemmemily.tumblr.com:
One time we got a new kid in fifth grade and he walks right in and sticks his hand under the stapler and staples his hand and just looks at the teacher and goes "I'm going to the nurse" and leaves.
buttsec.tumblr.com:
I just sneezed and my brother texted me "shut up."
mrsjacksonwhittemore.tumblr.com:
So I made my friend watch Supernatural for the first time and right at the moment when we see Mary on the ceiling, right before the fire catches, he goes "wow that's hot" and then she caught fire and he literally threw himself on the ground and yelled "I DIDNT MEAN TO!!! I TAKE IT BACK!!!" at the TV.
antisociallysplendid.tumblr.com:
I once fell asleep in my history class and woke up right when my teacher asked the class a question. I, confidently, raised my hand and answered, "Turnip." The whole class stared at me while my teacher just told me to go back to sleep.
shouldertappingghosts.tumblr.com:
If I was a famous author I would publish a book with ten different endings which all went to print with varying degrees of rarity, but not tell the fans about it so that I could watch their confusion as they disagree over how the story ended. Then when they figured it out I would "come clean," telling them that I had released eleven alternate endings and watch them panic again as they all try to find the last ending.
probablyasexoffender.tumblr.com:
I think of America as some sort of quaint faraway wonderland. It's like you guys live in another dimension. What the fuck is Black Friday, what is Thanksgiving, and what's the deal with wearing white and labour day and why aren't there any fucking u's in your words? Why do you measure in like feet and body parts and shit? That's super fucked up.
ptgreat.tumblr.com:
When she saw him time slowed to a stop. He was so perfect and she knew her life would never be the same because she had finally found him. The one. The first boy she would ever kill.
breadmaakesyoufat.tumblr.com:
This one time when I was seven I thought that I could talk to trees (because I had no friends). I used to sit by them and say things and one day I was talking to my tree friend called Kevin and this girl went up to me and said "are you talking to that tree, freak!" and I started crying and hugged on to the tree, and while she was laughing one of the branches fell on the girls head; thanks, Kevin.
ughsos.tumblr.com:
In elementary school I hit this kid cause he said I can't punch and I broke his nose and then my stepdad picked me up and the office was like "you have to say sorry" but then the kid was like "but she proved me wrong, she doesn't have to say sorry." Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend of many, many years.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
I want to go to Mars because then I'd be the second hottest one on the planet, right behind the Curiosity rover. God, I wish I was as hot as the Curiosity rover.
panicatthewhorehouse.tumblr.com:
I've never understood why "manslaughter" is the name for a lesser charge than murder.
Manslaughter sounds like you fucking chopped someone into pieces with a rusty axe and fed them to your dog.
masturbatingklaine.tumblr.com:
At dinner my family and I were watching TV and there was a guy on it and I was like "I know him from somewhere!" and I couldn't figure out where I knew him from and then it that said he was a gay porn star and dinner suddenly became very awkward.
bellamy-at-221b.tumblr.com:
So today it snowed for the first time this year and I've naturally been online all day and didn't know so I went to take out the garbage in bare feet and stepped in an inch snow and I just yelled "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" and I just heard my neighbour in his backyard go "oh my God, she's outside!"
iguanamouth.tumblr.com:
I could go into the kitchen and make soup right now. I could chop up a whole onion and put it in there and nobody could stop me. I could put cereal in it. I could dump the whole bowl onto the floor and roll around in it naked while Barbie Girl plays and then order ten of those 7 foot long gummy snakes online and nobody could do a goddamn thing. Being an adult is terrifying.
officialannakendrick.com:
Girls take so long to get ready because we're mesmerized by our own boobs.
genderbells.tumblr.com:
I was cuddling this guy once and he had his head on my chest and just whispered "what did you just think about?" and I went "Netflix" becuse I was thinking about Netflix and he just went "Oh. Your heart sped up and I... Ok."
jinglefastersherlock.tumblr.com:
My cousin has twin sons named Flynn and Ryder and I said "your sons' names are Flynn... and Ryder...?", thinking it was just a funny coincidence, and she looked at me kind of ashamed and whispered "I just really like Tangled."
shorm.tumblr.com:
So today I had someone look at me knitting on the bus and ask "could you BE any more gay?"
I just calmly said "I could have a dick in my mouth."
gossipgandhi.tumblr.com:
I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming and let me tell you, I'm not afraid to leave it the same way.
roughrimjob.tumblr.com:
I burned like 3/4 of my forearm on the oven while I was making chicken and my mom was like "honey, put some butter on it, it draws the heat out" so she was rubbing a stick of butter on my arm and my stepdad was like "what's for dinner?" as he walked in and saw her slathering my arm in butter and he just slowly backed away.
feirunes.tumblr.com:
My English teacher says "eh" a lot and every time I'm like "haha, I bet he's from Canada." But then I remember... I'm Canadian... I live in Canada.
brandnewswastikas.tumblr.com:
Put a pancake on a girl's head when she's asleep to keep her warm and safe.
greencrook.tumblr.com:
My uni students asked me if they had homework for the holidays and I felt so bad for them and their tired, dead eyes that I told them to just mail me pics of their favorite Pokemons.
Three students sent me Digimons, I can't fucking trust them with anything; I give up.
gelatins.tumblr.com:
By day I am just a regular loser; by night I am the same loser, only it's nighttime.
gay-mo.tumblr.com:
The child I babysit sometimes is 5 years old. Last time I went to take care of him I noticed he has this awesome painting of the moon in his bedroom. He told me his mother's friend painted it. After he told me the artists name he then explained to me "She used to be a boy but she didn't feel good so now she just takes medicine and it helps her to be a girl. She feels better."
It's literally that easy to explain it to kids.
i-wanna-be-a-klaine-ship-ranger.tumblr.com:
DO NOT MASTURBATE DIRECTLY AFTER CHOPPING JALAPENOS!!!
swoleinvelvet.tumblr.com:
I've realized that you can't really hack someone's Tumblr like you can on Facebook. On Facebook you can update a status to say, "I like dick in the eyeball," and everyone would be freaked out. On Tumblr, people would be like, "yeah man, me too" and then post a GIF from Supernatural.
alexanderlightworm.tumblr.com:
So there's a blind kid in my class, and today we were having really bad thunderstorms in our area. All of the sudden there's a huge crack of thunder and all the lights go out. Some girl screamed "Oh my god I can't see anything!" and the blind kid goes "Me either!!!" and I just lost it.
captainlucifer.tumblr.com:
Hannibal's milkshake is made from all the boys in the yard.
applebright.tumblr.com:
Seriously considering filling my pockets with glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude I'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and release the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.
ryaynross.tumblr.com:
I'm laughing so much; a group of really loud boys sat down next to us in McDonald's and one of them just picked up his burger and said to his friends "I bet I can put this whole thing in my mouth" and my mom turned to me and said "well, we know who the gay one is" and they heard her and none of them have said a word since.
what-a-catch-missjackson.tumblr.com:
So today in Design class the teacher asked if I would demonstrate how to cut a piece of wood at a certain angle and a girl in my class said "Zoe's great at cutting! You should see her wrist." Before I could even react, the really quiet girl in my class got out of her seat punched the girl in the face without even saying a word.
definitivelysarah.tumblr.com:
"No homo" cries the team at the dig site. The head archaeologist sinks to his knees, sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archaeological dig site. But now, his whole life has been for nothing. There is no homo... there is only Australopithecus.
jehovahzwetness.tumblr.com:
My GPS lady sounds like she hasn't been fucked in a long time.
aneverydaynerd.tumblr.com:
I was at Target yesterday and this little girl wanted to buy Halo 4, but this lady came up to her and said video games are for boys. This lady had a box of Trix in her cart, so the girl grabs the box and said "and Trix are for kids" and ran off with the cereal and the game.
warpedtoursmoshpit.tumblr.com:
Today in 6th period, it was pouring rain and I arrived late to class due to appreciating the rainfall. So when I finally walked in, I was dripping wet and the teacher gave me a dirty look and said that she was going to mark me tardy with a referral to the office and I point my finger at her and said "no" and THEN THUNDER CRACKLED AT THAT EXACT MOMENT AND THE POWER WENT OUT and just to freak out everyone, I whisper "666" and this girl screamed.
mayorsoffice.tumblr.com:
I heard a pigeon outside and I said "my son." I'm not sure why.
heckacute.tumblr.com:
If you put a bee in the freezer, it will get cold and fall asleep. After it's asleep, put it in your mouth, but don't eat it. Just let it sit there. It will get warm and wake up. Now you have a bee in your mouth.
dad-chan.tumblr.com:
These boys across from me were looking at gay porn once in class and one guy was like "dude this is so gay" and the other guy said "no it's fine, we said no homo, remember" and I almost gave myself a nosebleed trying not to laugh.
drunkdilf.tumblr.com:
Isn't it weird to think that most people you know had sex? That cute old lady sitting next to you on the bus? Probably choked on a dick at one point in her life.
2073.tumblr.com:
Money can't buy happiness but it can buy a false sense of security and fruity alcoholic beverages to numb the pain and honestly what's the difference.
spatialsoloist.tumblr.com:
It amazes me that I can accurately type at top speed without looking at my keyboard but still pour water down my shirt because I missed my mouth in general.
lea-michele.tumblr.com:
Whenever I leave a store without buying anything and I have a bag with me I'm always convinced that the owners will think I'm shoplifting so I try my hardest to wear an expression that says "I am not a shoplifter" but I'm fairly certain that I just end up looking like I have recently killed a family of 5 and eaten them for breakfast.
dutchster.net:
As a serial killer my name would be The Suspense so my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me" and we would both laugh right before I killed them.
angrynerdyblogger.tumblr.com:
I just remembered this time I was telling a story to a friend and it was clear she wasn't listening to me so I started making up this huge gruesome story about a cult murder I'd witnessed while she sat there nodding along to my dramatic moral struggle about whether or not I should come forward and then I looked up to see the table next to us looked utterly horrified and long story short that's why I should remember other people have ears.
moonager.tumblr.com:
One time I was on a rollercoaster and a guy's hat fell off during one of the loops but he caught it when we were right side up again, and I have to go my whole life knowing I'll never be as cool as that guy.
egg-rolls.tumblr.com:
So we watched this extremely sad film in my psychology class and I didn't want to cry at the end so I was sitting there clenching my fists and thinking to myself "don't you fucking cry, you are a GROWN MAN" and then after like a minute I realized I'm a sixteen year old girl.
douhgnut.tumblr.com:
Why get a job when you can sell oregano to middle-schoolers and tell them it's weed.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
I think I might be part starfish because I keep cutting off my hair but it always grows back. Also my dad was a starfish.
firelorcl.tumblr.com:
Ugh, you kill a few people on a camping trip and suddenly everyone calls you a "murderer." I'm so sick of labels.
growley.tumblr.com:
If you're ever mean to me I'll seduce your dad and get him to marry me then I'll be your fucking stepmom and I'll disable the internet every night at 7 PM. Don't fucking try me.
guerillasforever.tumblr.com:
I'll tell you what's wrong with society. No one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.
meladoodle.com:
Well well well, look what the cat dragged in... another corpse. Dude, this is getting out of hand, where is Fluffy even getting these?
sarahkeilman94.tumblr.com:
I'm at the grocery store with my grandparents and my grandpa has wandered away and now my grandma is going up every isle yelling his name and I'm hiding behind a cookie display because I don't want anyone to know I'm with the crazy woman screaming "Dick" at the top of her lungs.
deanprincesster.tumblr.com:
One time this guy was hitting on me and he said "I'm loving the whole blonde hair, blue eyes thing" and I said "so did Hitler."
majortvjunkie.tumblr.com:
I just searched my first and last name on howmanyofme.com and I thought I would be the only scott with my last name, but there are 2 in the United States and I got really mad! And then I googled my name to see if I could track down this other Scott and I found out he lives in Florida, so I got really pissed off. But then I realized I'm named after my dad.
ribbu.tumblr.com:
There's a special place in hell reserved just for me.
It's called the throne.
numba-one-flaya.tumblr.com:
Why is the bad girl in high school movies always the popular preppy cheerleader? Why can't we have a movie where the villain is the nerdy girl who thinks she's superior to everyone else because she watches Doctor Who and drinks tea and is "not like other girls?"
imthedad.tumblr.com:
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
beaky-peartree.tumblr.com:
Why do people act like being a vampire is so fucking great. You can't eat garlic bread, so what's the point?
andrewpauldost.tumblr.com:
What if you had an identical twin that did porn and you like went to the grocery and they're like "OMG, I saw you take 3 dicks at once while wearing a turtle costume" and your like "god dammit, Gary."
tornrnypickles.tumblr.com:
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
punkrightsactivist.co.vu:
When my friend told her drug dealer that she was transgender he immediately started using the correct pronouns for her and her parents don't, so there's an issue there.
theappleppielifestyle.tumblr.com:
A guy at school today was wearing this damn fine red nail polish and I heard these two girls whispering angrily and looking in his direction, so I listened in expecting them to be weird about it and the first thing I hear is "how the HELL did he get it so good? Did he get it professionally done or something? You need to ask him where he found that colour; Jesus Fucking Christ are you KIDDING me!"
ktisr.tumblr.com:
My friend's sister was telling me about how in highschool a guy tried to take a picture up her skirt as she was walking up stairs and she saw, grabbed his phone, broke it in half, and handed it back to him and said "you can tell your mom why your phone is broken."
the-vashta-nerada.tumblr.com:
I was at a friend's house once over the summer and they lived on a farm and they had a rabbit cage; and I went in because there were like a HUNDRED rabbits in there and my friend thought it would be funny to lock me in the rabbit cage and I was stuck there for a really long while; but I had my backpack which had a few snacks and a copy of Watership Down in it; so I gathered all the rabbits around me and read Watership Down to them and I'm actually a Disney princess.
plasmalogical.tumblr.com:
I was talking with my brothers yesterday and we decided the best way to own a guy who takes off his shirt to fight you is to pick his shirt up and put it on.
webbabe.tumblr.com:
A girl told me that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm "a slut" and "guys don't like sluts" which is funny because I thought I didn't have one because I'm gay.
raptorific.tumblr.com:
Sometimes I walk past a graveyard and I think "I could dress up like a ghost and haunt the shit out of that cemetery for like, weeks before anybody noticed and stopped me."
And then I realized that I was headed down a road that leads to Scooby-Doo villainy.
pupbutt.tumblr.com:
Why say nip slip when peek-a-boob is so much better.
substiel.tumblr.com:
Some guy just whistled at me while driving by and my dad goes "don't worry, that was for me."
anogoodrabblerouser.tumblr.com:
The odds of being attacked by a shark in the US are 1 in 11,500,000, but no one gets mad at people who want to avoid the ocean.
The odds of a woman being sexually assaulted in her lifetime are 1 in 6, but if she doesn't feel safe around strange men she's a stereotyping bitch.
Strange old world we live in.
postllimit.tumblr.com:
I just heard my mom yelling "YOU MOTHERFUCKER" and I was worried my parents were having a fight so I went downstairs to check it out but when I got there my dad was just giggling hysterically and all I could see was a pile of Uno cards with a +4 card at the top.
envycamacho.com:
Yeah baby I am an ANIMAL in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
gayinsect.tumblr.com:
I love kids they are so much funnier to talk to than adults. I asked a toddler today what's up and he said "ten" with such conviction I really did believe it was an adequate response to my question for a second.
eva-420.tumblr.com:
I feel bad for teachers because I distinctly remember my mom bursting into tears once when she was grading papers and she was just mumbling "they're so goddamn stupid" over and over.
vardaesque.tumblr.com:
Today at work a little girl and her dad came through my line and she picked up two things of Altoids and she was like "Daddy, let's get the same flavor! So when you're in Afghanistan I can eat mine and you can eat yours and we can be together!" and me and my cashier just stood there like DON'T CRY DON'T FUCKING CRY DON'T BE A BABY AND FUCKING CRY!
And then they left and we fucking wailed like children.
sierraseybold.com:
My mom heard the beginning of Same Love by Macklemore and she looked at me and said "when you were 4 you sat in your room and cried for hours and when I asked you what was wrong you said 'mom, I think I'm black'."
grimelords.tumblr.com:
Telling the substitute teacher the wrong names: a classic. Telling the substitute teacher you are so old and born again every day, that ten thousand names could never define you, that you're a shadowed mass swirling forth from Jupiter, that your father is time and your mother is death, that you'll swallow any scream of hers as you grow larger and ever larger: a super classic, king of the school, no homework ever.
sexhaver.tumblr.com:
I just wanna see what Mackleman drew in 3rd grade that was so good it made him question his sexuality.
averagebare.tumblr.com:
I heard a kid say "but DAAAAAD" and his dad said "DID YOU JUST CALL ME BUTT-DAD? YOURE GROUNDED!" I HAVE BEEN LAUGHING FOR 3 YEARS.
adrians.tumblr.com:
Last night when I got home I was so drunk that I watched porn without headphones in and ate half a bottle of strawberry lube. Like I literally forgot how to masturbate but I was just like "yeah this feels about right."
waeh-edsheeran.tumblr.com:
I watch so much American TV nowadays that today when I went downstairs and saw my dad drinking tea I thought to myself "What is he, British?" and then I realized. My dad is British. I am British. We live in Britain.
drewchainzzzz.tumblr.com:
If I ever turned invisible the first thing I'd do is go to France and beat up a mime. Everyone would think he is the greatest performer to ever live.
thisismedisappearing.tumblr.com:
I stubbed my toe and naturally I screamed "MOTHERFUCKER!" and then my dad poked his head out of the living room and said "you rang?"
sociallychallengednerd.tumblr.com:
What if lawn mowers are so loud because they have to cover the screams of the grass being massacred.
supsquark.tumblr.com:
Why the fuck is there so much stigma surrounding going to the movies by yourself? Why the fuck do you need someone to help you sit in the dark and look at a wall for two hours? "Oh look at that dork they don't even have a friend to ignore for the entire duration of this event."
attractiveblogger.tumblr.com:
I may be ugly but at least I have an ugly personality too. Consistency is key.
cannibalcoalition.tumblr.com:
You know what? I don't care if being a lesbian isn't natural. It's 2014. Oreos don't have a single natural ingredient in them that isn't distilled out of recognition. People get their vegetables from cans. They have made cruelty-free, lab-grown BACON. People fly around in big, metal machines.
I. AM. TALKING. TO SOMEONE. ACROSS THE WORLD. IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.
Not natural. Is not bad.
Your rhetoric is no longer a valid excuse for hate.
666meme.tumblr.com:
Why did the semen cross the road?
I wore the wrong socks.
spagheteen.tumblr.com:
I never run voluntarily so if you ever see me running you should start running too because something is coming.
internetexplorers.tumblr.com:
When I die I want to be buried wearing a pair of sunglasses so that a few decades down the line I will also be a cool skeleton.
johnhamishmorstan.tumblr.com:
I don't understand American school years what the fuck is a freshman or a sophomore; why do you have these words instead of the numbers?
ohblainers.tumblr.com:
If you ever think your parents are too hard on you just remember that Mufasa materialized as a cloud to tell Simba to get his shit together.
rneerkat.com:
I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on a shelf I can't reach, but I don't want to jump to conclusions.
thefoxxnextdoor.tumblr.com:
My thing is, have sex whenever you decide to want to have sex. You want to have sex on the first night, go ahead. You want to have sex after 20 dates, go ahead. You want to never have sex, go ahead. People think that someone's sexual choices actually coincide with their personality. If all you can think of someone's worth is whether they want to have sex or not, then the problem is probably you.
youngstero.tumblr.com:
It's my headcanon that Rick Astley has no idea what the rickroll meme is and has never encountered it.
subject13fringe.tumblr.com:
Why yes I have bathed in the blood of a virgin;
I got a nose bleed in the shower once.
mstoph.tumblr.com:
My milkshakes bring all the boys tp the yard and they're like "your friend is hot."
8isexual8itch.tumblr.com:
So I went to Disney about a month ago and I got to meet Aurora. She asked me and my mom if there were any "princes" with us today. When I told her that I leaned more toward princesses she looked over at Cinderella sighed and replied with "yeah, me too" and I think about that a lot.
h0mocidal.tumblr.com:
Does anyone else convert oxygen into carbon dioxide or is that just me?
thesickestjokes.tumblr.com:
People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "oh fuck yea" under your breath when you look at their photos.
meladoodle.tumblr.com:
Date you? I thought you said 'cremate you.' Hahaha, what a hilarious misunderstanding. <pile of ashes does not respond>
iwishlilbwasmygrandpa.tumblr.com:
Fuck your bedtime, mom. It's probably like 5 AM in China right now. Time is a human construction that doesn't even exist. If you reject time you can transcend it. Please, I want to play Halo.
medschool-thenbabies.tumblr.com:
Telling your son not to "be such a girl" lets his sister who overhears the conversation know that being a girl is not a good thing and she should be sorry and ashamed of herself.
It also reminds your son that being a boy is better than being a girl and therefore he is better than any girl he will ever meet.
principiosrotos.tumblr.com:
My best friend is an atheist, but whenever she is comforting me with something in my life she uses examples of God to help me because she knows it makes me feel better, and vice versa, when I comfort her I never bring up God because I respect that it's not something that helps or works for her. I feel like this is a model of how the world should work.
ladyshinga.tumblr.com:
I still sometimes look at super vague Facebook posts from people and imagine that they are talking about their last bowel movement. Try it sometime; it makes Facebook drama 8000 % funnier.
sherlocksmyth.tumblr.com:
How come it's cool for snakes to spit venom and unhinge their jaw to swallow people whole, but when I do it, I'm the "antichrist" and I need an "exorcism"?
blackbruise.tumblr.com:
I think I may be gayer than originally planned.
pemsylvania.tumblr.com:
You know it's a good friendship when you actually sit down and establish that you're best friends and sign a contract while having a lawyer present.
rneerkat.tumblr.com:
Arteries will always hold a special place in my heart.
rupi.ca:
Straight boys don't shut their mouths because their lips would be touching and that's gay.
queerlyobscure.tumblr.com:
Y'know people say shit about social media along the lines of "OMG no one cares what anyone had for breakfast" and the like.
I do? I care. I'm pretty sure a lot of people care. I want to hear that the people I care about are having delicious breakfasts or saw something odd at work or flirted with a cute barista. Or just any little thoughts they have that they feel are worth sharing.
I've always kind of assumed that's how you're supposed to feel about your friends.
vercxce.tk:
My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family. They seem like nice people.
kittenzilla.co.vu:
A peaceful walk in the woods really relaxes me. The fact that I'm dragging a body should be irrelevant.
pizzashrapnelblindness.tumblr.com:
Growing up I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.
nixpunk.tumblr.com:
I'm not like other girls. Actually, I'm nothing like other girls. And that girl you saw get on the bus earlier isn't like other girls either. It's surprising, really; it's almost as if everybody is different from each other.
doglets.tumblr.com:
If you are the older twin, call your little sibling a few times a day and be like "when I was your age" and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.
isurvivedthekobayashimaru.tumblr.com:
I was at Walmart the other day, and I was sitting on a bench waiting for my mom to pay, and I was braiding my hair because that's something I do when I'm bored, and this dude walks by and says, "hey baby, what else can you do with your hands?" I gave him my most polite smile and said in the sweetest way possible, "strangle you."
And I think I actually scared him because his eyes got kind of wide and he just walked away.
hilarioushumorfromouterspace.tumblr.com:
There's no reason to tailgate someone in the slow lane, especially when I'm going 35 over the speed limit.
And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.
agathaheterodyne.tumblr.com:
So much of this website is just outcasts bullying other outcasts for not being the right kind of outcast.
vondell-swain.tumblr.com:
I want a shirt that says "eat or die" because at first it sounds rebellious but it's just a reminder.
sherrocked.tumblr.com:
My little sister is a really pretty girl and she gets dick pics all the time from annoying boys, so being the girl she is, she started using them as blackmail. She now has about 30 boys doing her bidding because one stepped out of line and she got someone to print out 500 copies of the photo and mailed it to his family. My sister is 16 and she's running a black mail Mafia. She's going places.
mygayshoes.tumblr.com:
Today I saw a dude try to physically remove a teenage girl from the disabled seating on the train, complaining about his weak ankles and hypertension and how pathetic and discourteous youth were. She literally threw her prosthetic leg at him.
peachvenom.tumblr.com:
Periods help you learn how to get blood off of things, which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught with murder.
bombing.tumblr.com:
Fucking doctor trying to tell me I have "radiation poisoning" like it's something I definitely care about. Can I fly or not?
nuditea.tumblr.com:
I have no problem watching a full season of a TV series in one sitting, but when it comes time to pick a movie I'm like "am I really ready to pay attention to something for two hours?"
mataring.tumblr.com:
I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a computer screen.
noblemaidensweets.tumblr.com:
My dad is like "I hope you get a boyfriend who likes to fish, I WILL TAKE HIM FISHING!" And then sorta stopped and was like "Or a girl I don't care, I want to take THEM FISHING!"
chekov-in-a-dress.tumblr.com:
I want a superhero movie where the hero dies in the first ten minutes and the woman who was supposed to be the love interest puts on his costume and becomes an even better hero.
minimalyzed.tumblr.com:
Replacing my heart with another liver so I can drink more and care less.
pianocarnival.tumblr.com:
Peter Parker went from using Bing in the first Spider-Man movie to using Google in the sequel and if that's not character development, I don't know what is.
iwillincendiotheheartoutofyou.tumblr.com:
Some people think the the British obsession with tea is a false stereotype but let me tell you that one time my mum and I had a massive argument and she made me some tea as a peace offering and I poured it down the sink and made my own cup.
mjolkk.tumblr.com:
Oh my god, I'm at the grocery store and there is a guy in the frozen section who is tweaked off his balls on some kind hallucinatory drug. I'm in the next isle meowing softly through the cereal boxes where he can't see me and he is losing his shit pulling pizza boxes out of the freezers and yelling that he needs to save the popsicle cat. Am I a bad person?
monk-of-space.tumblr.com:
A motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs: The Bikings.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
One thing that Tumblr is helping me with is accepting the fact that no matter what you do there will always be people that hate you for absolutely no reason.
mintmeow.tumblr.com:
I got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that's born to die in a society run by money that I can't escape is one of them.
francisfordfiesta.tumblr.com:
According to physics, nothing ever quite touches. When you lay your hand on something, there is a microscopic amount of space between the atoms of your hand and whatever you're touching. So no, Officer, technically I'm not jacking off right now.
colfr.tumblr.com:
Plot twist: A movie with a 20-something character who has never kissed anyone and has never had sex but is presented as a perfectly normal, socially well-adjusted individual.
whoredidthepartygo.tumblr.com:
Sex is cool... but have you ever had garlic bread?
the-pietriarchy.tumblr.com:
Seeing people type google.com in the chrome addressbar hurts me physically.
urserlicious.tumblr.com:
Competetive multiplayer game where one person plays a baby and another person has to go around baby proofing their house and the baby's goal is to kill itself as fast as possible.
thescarfofsherlock.tumblr.com:
Do you ever fall in hate with someone. Like at first, they seem fine. Then they start annoying you a bit. AND THEN YOU JUST WANT TO THROW A SKYSCRAPER AT THEM AND BURN THE HEART OUT OF THEM AND DISABLE THEIR INTERNET ACCESS.
morelikebabedylan.tumblr.com:
The thing is though everytime a girl compliments me on a dress/skirt with pockets and I declare "thanks, it has pockets", her response completely changes from "oh that's nice" to "FUCK ME BACKWARDS ARE YOU FOR REAL SHOW ME SHOW ME THE POCKETS!"
youdtearthiscanvasskinapart.tumblr.com:
I'm a forensic criminologist our slogan is "can't run fast enough to be a serial killer so I'll just help the police catch them."
kyrigiris.tumblr.com:
It's a metaphor. You put the spider between your teeth, but you don't actually swallow it, so you stay average and Spiders Georg remains an outlier who shouldn't have been counted.
two-men-one-angel.tumblr.com:
My mum only said yes to marrying my dad because she thought he was joking.
callmebliss.tumblr.com:
Friend: Hey! That guy is cute.
Me: Oh, he's a gay porn star.
Friend: Why?
Me: I don't know, his choice, good for him.
Friend: NO, WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT?
Me: Because I was looking up how to knit, why the hell do you think?
fragmentedsam.tumblr.com:
Reason why girls shouldn't have short hair: They will be so cute that your insides will explode and your eyes will melt out of your skull because they are too cute. They will kill you. Girls with short hair will kill you with their cuteness.
kawaiiserket.tumblr.com:
Today a boy actually told me that the fact that I date girls is a real turn-off for guys and that I will never find a boyfriend. He was being entirely serious and I don't think I've ever laughed in someone's face so hard.
kaguinji.co.vu:
If someone calls you a slut, break their fucking neck without even hesitating or saying a single word and as they lay there on the ground dead, lean down close to their corpse and whisper, "slut means the end in Swedish."
reichenbackdatassup.tumblr.com:
Wow, my brother was telling me this joke and he said "if you're fighting with a woman and she pulls a knife on you, just pull out the bread and cheese and meat and her womanly instincts will kick in and she'll just make you a sandwich." Then all of a sudden our mom emerges from the kitchen holding a huge ass knife and she approaches my brother asking "sorry, what was that?" and he started screaming.
rainbowrobotroses.tumblr.com:
One time we had missionaries over at our house, and my mom mentioned the fact that there is a Star Wars religion. One of them got so excited that he clapped his hands together and blurted out: "I WANT TO JOIN!"
The other missionary gave him a surprised look, and then, I kid you not, two seconds later it started pouring and hailing outside. The other missionary just glared at him and went: "Look at what you've done."
madabearr.tumblr.com:
HOW COME NOBODY TELLS ME WHEN WE HAVE COMPANY?!?! I JUST WALKED THROUGH MY HOUSE IN A SPORTS BRA SINGING THE OPENING SONG TO THE LION KING AND MY SISTER HAS TWO BOYS OVER. JESUS WHAT HAVE I DONE.
princess-kayjay.tumblr.com:
I just had a straight guy tell me "Gah I love lesbians" and before I could even say anything, he added, "because, ya know, they like the same thing I do and sometimes it's nice to get advice from a girl instead of guys who think making love is just repeatedly putting your dick in something, ya know?" And I have never been more proud of the human race.
swolizard.tumblr.com:
If you don't play tetris with your groceries on the conveyer belt, you are honestly taking life too seriously.
... continued on #quotingtumblrpeoplepart2 (link in top if #-link doesn't work)
youdtearthiscanvasskinapart.tumblr.com:
If you are ever feeling stupid, please remember that I thought this set of twins at my high school were the same person and accused him/them of changing his clothes too often for three years.
cupcaketwinklebutt.tumblr.com:
The end credits of Game of Thrones are on a black background specifically so you can see the look of horror on your face reflected in your computer screen.
adamusprime.tumblr.com:
I'm gonna start a restaurant called "trust me" and the menu will be things that sound questionable but taste great.
daveyoufool.tumblr.com:
So I saw this cute girl going down the street with an amazing ass. I was all "DAMN GIRL, YOU GOT AN AMAZING ASS." She was like "thanks, there's a sale across the block, I got him there." Now I have a pet donkey too, he was five bucks and his name is Leopold. And he hates thunderstorms.
brobecks.tumblr.com:
If you command me to do something that I was already planning on doing, the chances of me doing that thing automatically drop to zero.
fehroohz.tumblr.com:
Whenever my mom criticizes me I yell "it's probably genetic" and run out of the room as fast as I can.
megachikorita.tumblr.com:
You kids these days with your rapidly growing concern for the state of the world and your knowledge of important issues at increasingly younger ages despite having been told your opinions don't matter by the adults who put you in these situations.
greathaircut.tumblr.com:
I love how kids introduce themselves like "Hello, I'm Johnny. I'm five years old. I know how to read." Yeah cool, I didn't ask for your life story, asshole.
rneerkat.tumblr.com:
Arteries will always hold a special place in my heart.
bombing.tumblr.com:
Birds need to shut the hell up. If I made half the noise they did at 5 in the morning I'd be arrested.
crackandcanonships.tumblr.com:
IF YOU SHIP MY NOTP THEN YOU CAN have a nice day because you're probably a nice person and ship wars are dumb as hell.
andrewbelami.tumblr.com:
"OMG! McDonald's is disgusting. Don't you know what they make their chicken out of?" - Ma'am, I've literally put my tongue in an asshole before.
eileenthequeen.tumblr.com:
So apparently in my sister's class, there was a trans girl that had been on the cheerleading squad for a while. When she came out, the other girls on the squad made the agreement that whatever boy made fun of her would never get a date. And if you think that's not the most metal girl alliance ever, you can sit down.
crankybucky.tumblr.com:
Thor making a series of Vines where he hands the other Avengers mjolnir casually like "hold this" when they're not paying attention and obviously they fall over and it's hilarious. And he tries to do it to Steve and he's like "hold this, Steve" and without looking up from his paper Steve's like "sure" and takes it off if him, he just calmly holds it and continues to read. The rest of the Vine is just Thor's stunned and impressed expression.
2073.tumblr.com:
Money can't buy happiness but it can buy a false sense of security and fruity alcoholic beverages to numb the pain and honestly what's the difference.
starlit-notes.tumblr.com:
I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, and my fingers... because I can always count on them.
wadethoughts.tumblr.com:
Sometimes I just think of how awful it would be to be locked in a giant wax museum for a whole night, except every wax figure is Nicolas Cage, and then one of them is the real Nicolas Cage but you don't know which one. Thoughts like this keep me up at night.
wolfcola.biz:
I'm not trying to start anything with the celery fandom, but it is honestly the worst vegetable.
pussyhands.tumblr.com:
What if our use of emojis gradually becomes so extensive that we actually circle back to writing in hieroglyphics?
holyshawarmabatman.tumblr.com:
So I have two little cousins, one is 10 and the other is 7, and my aunt told them they could each say one cuss word and not get in trouble, so the older one very politely says "damn" - but the younger one stands up on the kitchen table, rips his shirt off and screams "FUUUUUUCCCKKKK" while dive bombing to the floor and my aunt just stood there and stared at him because she couldn't get mad at him.
yunglapras.tumblr.com:
I hate that "LOL SO IF WOMEN ARE EQUAL CAN I PUNCH YOU" shit, because 1 in 3 women are abused. Y'all are already punching us; the issue is that we'd like you to stop.
berubescu.tumblr.com:
I want a murder mystery show where the body is always the same cheap-ass plastic skeleton, fully clothed and in some completely ridiculous pose. Like, it'll lay there with its hands on its hips in some terrible sequin dress, and the detectives will step up to it all super-serious like "it appears she's been dead for 12 hours" and no one will mention the fact that "she" is a dollar store Halloween decoration.
crabparty.tumblr.com:
My brother had a dream he spent 20 dollars on a hotdog and he woke up screaming.
crimsonclad.tumblr.com:
One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.
h0mocidal.tumblr.com:
Does anyone else convert oxygen into carbon dioxide or is that just me?
bellecosby.tumblr.com:
I wonder how many strangers' stories we make it into? You know maybe someone saw you in passing and told their friends about how pretty the girl in the lavender sweater was. Or maybe they overheard you say a joke and repeated it to their friend confessing that they heard it from some guy at the store.
tacodwell.tumblr.com:
I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night while my mother was sleeping.
youngstero.tumblr.com:
If zoos weren't an already established thing and I heard about the concept of them I would think the person whose idea that was should be arrested.
soundingonlyatnightasyousleep.tumblr.com:
Hannibal is a gothic horror show about control, perception, abuse, mental illness and disability, the institution of psychiatry, and vengeance, frequently featuring terrifying scenes of violence and gore - and the fandom is comprised of teenage girls bedecking everyone in flowers and making cheesy puns. Is this the actual reverse of the brony fandom?
elizabitchtaylor.tumblr.com:
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.
She's cheer captain and I respect her right to wear whatever she wants and participate in traditionally "feminine" activities because I understand that life is not about condemning another woman's personal choices just because she doesn't "deserve" the boy I have a crush on.
awrrex.tumblr.com:
You either die Spongebob, or live long enough to see yourself become Squidward.
adventuresofcesium.tumblr.com:
A sequel to Frozen where Elsa's advisors are all imploring her to find a nice prince to marry to be the king consort and Elsa just isn't interested in anyone until the Arabian royal family comes to visit to discuss trade arrangements and Elsa meets their spunky hijabi daughter who has the power to manipulate fire and heat and falls in love instantly.
jel-lee.tumblr.com:
Asexuality: the world's most simple-to-grasp concept that apparently nobody can understand.
sylviatietjens.co.vu:
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN:
- Finding someone aesthetically pleasing
- Being sexually attracted to someone
- Being romantically attracted to someone
WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND?
malkiewicz.tumblr.com:
Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you're going to die.
faxmachine.tumblr.com:
I think the reason why the phrase "I'm not like most girls" annoys me so much is because women have been conditioned to feel like they have to disassociate themselves from the female gender to be recognized as an interesting human being and if that isn't fucked up then I don't know what is.
jackfrost.co.vu:
Why age when you can have a painting in your attic that does that for you.
hkangela.tumblr.com:
Some cute guy just winked at me with both eyes at the same time.
geobytes.tumblr.com:
My grandma would always X out people in her yearbook and write "Deceased" when one of her high school classmates died. We often found it morbid. Grandma wanted to be the last one living. She wanted to win.
jerkidiot.com:
That girl you just called fat? Who cares about her back-story, you just shouldn't be a dick to people. Like, do we really need a tragic story to get people to stop being mean to each other?
zach-n-cheese.tumblr.com:
I heard my dad say "That was a close call."
I called the home phone from my room. He answered and I said, "No, this is a close call."
He was proud.
kadabbs.tumblr.com:
Recent studies confirm that reading books and drinking tea doesn't make you better than anyone else.
rumpelstiltskln.tumblr.com:
If I had a twin I would go into crowds of strangers and profess my love to someone and then say "if our love isn't meant to be, I will go back in time and slap myself" and then my twin would burst in and slap me.
goodbyemisery.tumblr.com:
I went into a whole foods and got to hear a woman arguing with a guy at the meat counter because she wanted grass fed organic chicken and he was desperately trying to explain to her that chickens don't eat grass.
burgrs.tumblr.com:
What if flies said "hey" every time they flew by your ear?
furything.tumblr.com:
Can you believe that there are legal nipples and illegal nipples?
snapily.tumblr.com:
A girl walks by. I say, "I wish I had her legs." Suddenly there are a pair of legs in my hand. People are screaming. What have I done?
zapidos.tumblr.com:
My little brother and I were swimming and my dad walked out and said "it's trash day tomorrow you know what that means" and my brother looked at me dead in the eyes and said "it's time for you to go."
underthenerdhood.tumblr.com:
A little girl who grows up thinking all doors are automatic but actually she's haunted by a really polite ghost.
secretpapi.tumblr.com:
Why does Garfield even hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job. He hasn't felt the crippling pressure of capitalism. He is only a cat.
greencrook.tumblr.com:
The first time someone tried to steal my bag in the subway I panicked and I broke his arm with an umbrella and since then none of my friends will let me forget about this.
If you think this was a badass moment you need to remember I'm 5 ft and my bag was a Lucky Star bag and I was crying while hitting someone much bigger than me repeatedly with a frog-shaped umbrella.
neptunain.tumblr.com:
Go into a Starbucks in NYC and say very loudly into your phone "This movie script is stale and trite! We need some new talent, someone with a fresh outlook" and wait.
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Guess what - every friend and lover you have/had started out as a stranger and then changed, so go and talk to strangers and get in their van.
zackisontumblr.tumblr.com:
If anybody asks if they know you from somewhere, look them in the eyes and say, "Do you watch porn?"
fandomacespook.tumblr.com:
Okay yes you got me.
I did indeed start identifying as asexual because I'm on Tumblr.
And you know what.
If I wasn't on Tumblr, if this website hadn't taught me that wonderful little word, I would still be identifying as what I did before Tumblr.
Would you like me to tell you what that word was?
Broken.
astonishingly.tumblr.com:
Romeo thought Juliet deleted her blog so he deleted his and she was so sad she deleted for real.
howellartthou.tumblr.com:
I've always been told not to give in to peer pressure but I've never been told not to pressure my peers and I think that shows how dysfunctional society is.
lagos2bahia.tumblr.com:
So many men have internalized the lie that they have uncontrollable sex drives, and no way to control their anger. They aren't ashamed of their abusive behavior because they see it as a something natural to them and maybe even central to their masculinity. It's scary as hell.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
Simba, you have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. You also forgot to take out the garbage and now the fucking birds got into it.
ms-kawesome.tumblr.com:
The next time a man starts yelling at you, cut him off and tell him you just can't talk to him when he's being so emotional.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
No, son, there's no monster under your bed. There is, however, one under mine so I'll be taking your bed tonight. Good luck out there, kiddo.
cover.tk:
Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.
sexyfitarmychick.tumblr.com:
I will never understand why stripping is seen as degrading. Like... the job description is literally "I am so hot that you could never get me in real life so you're going to have to pay me to dance for you."
megachikorita.tumblr.com:
You kids these days with your rapidly growing concern for the state of the world and your knowledge of important issues at increasingly younger ages despite having been told your opinions don't matter by the adults who put you in these situations.
twelvefootmountaintroll.tumblr.com:
I'm gonna name my firstborn "Arial"; and people will be like "oh, like the mermaid"; and I'll say "no, like the font."
jazeth.tk:
If anybody ever tells you that you suck, look them straight in the eyes and say "not for free."
caelas.tumblr.com:
Saying feminism is unnecessary because you don't feel oppressed is like saying fire extinguishers are unnecessary because your house isn't on fire.
divinedorothy.tumblr.com:
Do you ever think about how fucked you'd be in medieval times with your weak eyesight, asthma, and homosexual tendencies.
lieutenantbites.tumblr.com:
<opens inspect element on a webpage> I've accessed the mainframe.
yolucas.tumblr.com:
My one friend is dating a boy who is blind and they go for walks everyday and as they walk she describes everything to him and he always says that "she makes everything sound so beautiful, except herself, but one day I'm determined to make her describe herself in the same beautiful way she describes the earth."
sierraseybold.com:
My ex sent me pics of another girl sucking his weiner one time because he thought it would make me mad and I wrote back "did your mom do something different with her hair?"
frostied.tumblr.com:
Maybe Jesus was gay the whole time and was actually saying "ah, men."
fuckitandflee.tumblr.com:
The real problem with books-turned-movies isn't "omg they didn't include every single word in the book" it's "omg they completely overlooked the main theme, threw out any significant allegories, took away all the emotional pull, and turned it into a boring action movie with a love triangle in it."
officialdubai.tumblr.com:
You're my rock... my Dwayne... my Johnson.
bombing.tumblr.com:
Tired of people asking me to play basketball just because of the flaming basketball tattoo on my neck. I hate basketballs. I want them all to burn in hell. That is the significance of this tattoo.
youngstero.tumblr.com:
My mom went to high school with Jamie Lee Curtis and one time they both got caught smoking pot together and Jamie told the teacher it was my mom's and my mom was suspended and Jamie Lee got no punishment, so think about that next time you want some activia. The laxative yogurt lady fucked over my mom.
logicaltribble.tumblr.com:
Girls don't want boys; girls want well written female characters and a Black Widow movie.
spicyshimmy.tumblr.com:
Cute date idea: Five year mission in space exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, boldly going where no man has gone before.
mysticpotstickers.tumblr.com:
Pansexuals will steal your girl, your man, your non-binary romantic partner, your car, your bank account PIN number, and your cat.
ghost-of-augustus-waters.tumblr.com:
Just passed a group of bros in the parking lot. They were all wearing snapbacks and muscle shirts. As I passed I heard their conversation. The one bro was arguing, "Naw man, Dumbledore was a terrible caretaker, he literally sent kids into fucking death forest for detention. Messed up man."
isthisjustphantasy.tumblr.com:
The guy in front of me walked into a post and I was so busy laughing that I walked into the same post.
We're going for coffee tomorrow morning.
sliceofbri.tumblr.com:
Guys this super cute black girl came in my store with big, beautiful, natural hair and she was showing off her new red dress and I told her "you look so beautiful, just like Annie!" and she and her mom didn't know about the new movie coming out, so I showed her the trailer and she said "mommy, she looks just like me!" and her smile was so fucking huge.
Don't tell me representation isn't important.
thatzak.tumblr.com:
I would appreciate it if my family would stop weighing in on the Israel-Gaza conflict on Facebook.
lizis2spooky.tumblr.com:
Sean Bean dies in everything because it's the universe trying to correct the hole ripped in it due to the fact that his name doesn't rhyme when it should.
excessively-irish-courfeyrac.tumblr.com:
Lestrade's phone passcode is totally "Greg" because the only person to try to hack his phone would be Sherlock and it's the one thing he doesn't know.
lesbian-god.tumblr.com:
When I was a kid I would be like "ew boys" and my mom would say "darling, some day you'll like boys" - but congratulations, mom, I'm a lesbian so ew boys!
artemisfowlstolemysoul.tumblr.com:
Being a nice person is so fun. Waiter messes something up? You can see the relief on their faces when you don't scream and swear at them about it. Extra tickets at an arcade/prize place? Watch a little kid's face light up when you give them a bunch of tickets. There are too many assholes in this world. Be a nice person.
trauntwave.tumblr.com:
A transgender person has a child; they are now transparent.
oryxofelia.tumblr.com:
I'm about to cry. My 60 year old mother watched a Netflix documentary and only just now found out she's asexual. I've been trying to figure out how to bring up this idea to her for years. I am so glad to hear her, she's so happy and saying "there really is nothing wrong with me!" I didn't realize it wore on her like that. God bless the internet.
giraffepoliceforce.tumblr.com:
I'm just baffled that there are people out there who hate asexuals. They are literally doing nothing. They are literally doing no one.
alexknigston.tumblr.com:
People who know the next letter of the alphabet without singing the song are terrifying.
bogmoth.tumblr.com:
"Catholic schools give you a better education!" I was literally told dinosaurs were made up by scientists to lure me away from God.
sock.co.vu:
Girls don't want you to be nice to them because they're girls, they want you to be nice to them because they're human beings and you should be nice to everyone, WTF is wrong with you!
religiousmom.tumblr.com:
Do you ever wanna listen to music but every song is just not the right song?
sexioto.tumblr.com:
That boy you just called gay? Well he is gay. He's your boyfriend. Both of you are gay. How do you keep forgetting this, Jeffery?
sarahkeilman94.tumblr.com:
When I was little I thought food poisoning meant that someone had literally poisoned your food and one time my sister got food poisoning from McCdonalds, so I told everyone at school that the drive thru guy tried to kill my sister.
andcanyoukneelbeforetheking.tumblr.com:
Why do I keep laughing at the thought of female Spiderman (Spidergirl? Spiderwoman?) getting caught without her mask on and the dude who catches her just goes on a rant about "fake geek girls" and how "that costume isn't even accurate oh my god" and "comic-con was last week", and her secret identity is saved because some dudebro in a Batman t-shirt thinks he's hot shit.
acutelesbian.tumblr.com:
A five year old at the gas station said he liked my Batwoman tattoo excitedly. His father condescendingly asked how many I had. I told him I had 11. He scoffed and asked how waiting tables all my life sounded and I said, "it's alright on the weekends, but throughout the week I'm your son's teacher." He walked out without another word.
pemsylvania.com:
The reason you find little cuts and bruises you don't remember getting is because at night bats fly in your room and beat you up in your sleep.
lamapalooza.tk:
Kid: Mommy, I can't sleep, there's a monster under my bed.
Mom: That's silly, there's no such thing as mo- OH GOD IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Just kidding, he only eats kids. Goodnight!
seriousjones.tumblr.com:
Hi everyone, it's Dorothy Gale from Kansas, and I nominate the Wicked Witch of the West for the ice bucket challenge.
dorkyhanji.tumblr.com:
If someone tells you your clothing style is gay, respond with: "Yeah, it came out of the closet this morning."
sovietxprincess.tumblr.com:
If you're a guy who likes looking at pictures of naked girls but loses respect for a girl if she posts a naked picture of herself, you can get lost.
mdthwomp.tumblr.com:
Unfriendly reminder that in America it's reasonable to say an unarmed black kid deserved to be shot six times because he might have robbed a convenience store, but a white kid shouldn't be kicked off the high school football team just because he violently raped a girl.
dggus.tumblr.com:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who can't choose rude dialogue options in games because I'm scared of hurting a characters feelings.
scaredpotter.tumblr.com:
The Slytherins making a drinking game where they take a shot every time Draco Malfoy talks about Harry Potter.
lennon-in-the-sky-with-timelords.tumblr.com:
So my cousin was in a gay pride parade and everything in her outfit and makeup was rainbow but she was wearing red contacts and while marching, a protester behind her yelled "You're going straight to hell" and she turns around to face him with her FUCKING blood red eyes and she says "well duh, I got a kindom to run" and the protester nearly fucking passed out.
humoristics.tumblr.com:
A guy once told my lesbian friend that being a lesbian is a huge turn off for guys and that she'll never find a boyfriend.
futurefantastic.tumblr.com:
I'm starting to understand men are from Mars/women are from Venus better because the astronomical symbols for Venus and Mars are ♀ and ♂ respectively. It also explains how women can survive sulfur rain and men don't breathe oxygen.
shelterfromcold.tumblr.com:
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says "man, I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there."
buginateacup.tumblr.com:
Guys who try to use the "Are you on your period?" as way to end an argument always amuse me. Because it gives me the excuse to lean in close and whisper: "I started my day by waking up in a pool of my own blood. Is that how you'd like me to end yours?"
kimpissible.tumblr.com:
It's so sad that every boy who dresses remotely nice is labeled as gay, like that's not even offensive to gay people, it just means straight boys dress like shit.
digivolvin.tumblr.com:
Last night I dreamed that scientists used a really bad picture of me to prove humans are closely related to goats and I was so insulted I woke up.
marinashutup.tumblr.com:
David: I like how my facebook profile picture is us saying "look how cute we are together" and your facebook profile picture is you saying "look how awesome i am separately."
dutchster.net:
Why aren't gynecologists called private investigators?
sosa-parks.tumblr.com:
I wouldn't date a tall female because we'll get in an argument and she is going to put my phone on the top of the fridge.
plant-strong.tumblr.com:
Scooby Doo has great life lessons to teach: If something evil is happening, it's probably an old white man trying to make money.
chinesekleptocracy.tumblr.com:
Don't want nudes leaked? Don't take nudes. Don't want to be robbed? Stop owning things. Wanna avoid being killed? Buddy, quit living already!
mkaiser323.tumblr.com:
It's fun to chant "Bloody Mary" into your car's side mirror three times and watch her jog and try to keep up.
hannibal-ate-bluebell.tumblr.com:
Girls don't want boys to like them; girls want Kristen Stewart and Natalie Dormer to play lesbian lovers in an indie movie with a good soundtrack.
heyreallygiger.tumblr.com:
If I ever met Satan the first thing I would say is "did it hurt... when you fell from heaven?" It would be hilarious. The next thing I would do is probably burst into flames and get impaled dozens of times, but it would still be hilarious.
malkiewicz.tumblr.com:
Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you're going to die.
takanobaka.tumblr.com:
Why say "ding dong, you are wrong" when you could say "eggs and bacon, you're mistaken"?
spideysass.tumblr.com:
I'm tired of people saying lesbians hate men. That's such bullshit. You don't have to be a lesbian to hate men. Everyone hates men.
goofle.tumblr.com:
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys apparently.
taylorswift.tumblr.com:
My home phone is ringing. I did not know I had a home phone. Interesting development.
andrewjacksonjihads.tumblr.com:
I want someone who will sit on a rooftop with me at 3 AM and shave their head while I shave my head and then hotglue the hair to the roof so the roof will have hair.
class-snuggle.tumblr.com:
My roommate bought a pack of 24 rolls of toilet paper yesterday, in addition to the half dozen we already had, and stored all of them in the bathroom. And just let me tell you, there's something incredibly calming and reassuring about looking next to you while you're on the toilet and seeing 30 rolls of toilet paper sitting there. You get a feeling like, no matter how bad shit gets in there, you're always going to make it out okay in the end.
supersmashthestatebros.tumblr.com:
Okay, I lied. I don't have my license to kill, but I do have my learner's permit. As soon as my mom gets here, you're toast.
brbjellyfishing.tumblr.com:
Fun prank: Wake up during open heart surgery and sing "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" to the surgeon.
sock.co.vu:
Girls don't want you to be nice to them because they're girls, they want you to be nice to them because they're human beings and you should be nice to everyone, WTF is wrong with you!
blastortoise.tumblr.com:
I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" And watch the look of terror on their face.
gothsportscore.tumblr.com:
I don't want to be a part of a college system where plagiarism is a worse crime than rape.
mothballmilkshake.tumblr.com:
When I'm dating a man I'm no longer bisexual. Just like when I'm at home, I'm no longer employed. Or when I'm not studying I'm no longer a student. Mmm object impermanency.
lil-jawn.tumblr.com:
Home Alone (1990, Comedy): Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child.
shouldnt.tumblr.com:
Ariana Grande sounds like a font on Microsoft Word.
microaggressions.tumblr.com:
When a financial institution asks me my "mother's maiden name" as a security question. Because it's assumed that I have at least one and no more than one mother in my life AND that she married AND that she gave up her own name AND that that part of her identity was erased enough from my public history so as to be a password to access my private information.
autisticfandomthings.tumblr.com:
Instead of asking us why we make a thing out of being proud, try asking yourself why you think we should be ashamed.
kingcheddarxvii.tumblr.com:
Had a dream just now that Macklemore was named TIME Magazine's Most Muggable Musician and he showed up at an interview to accept the award and they mugged him.
neyruto.tumblr.com:
My cat won't play football, do you think he is gay?
beyoncepatronus.tumblr.com:
Saying "the Bechdel test sets the bar too low" is silly because that's literally the point of the Bechdel test, it's a bar set at ankle height that Hollywood is still refusing to step over.
villainlooks.tumblr.com:
The fact that I can't grow horns is really cramping my style.
digivolvin.tumblr.com:
Last night I dreamed that scientists used a really bad picture of me to prove humans are closely related to goats and I was so insulted I woke up.
unlimitedgoats.tumblr.com:
My anaconda has, upon review of the information presented with it's partners, decided that it, in fact, does not. My anaconda apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause and thanks you for your time.
littlesammythemoose.tumblr.com:
Pretty sure the Westboro Baptist Church thinks about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex.
wheatdealer.tumblr.com:
<uses panorama to take dick pic>
tinyquotes.co:
My anaconda don't want ebola.
pishposhspice.tumblr.com:
My roommate is 2 days younger than me so I've gotten into the habit of saying "when I was your age..." and then describing what I did 2 days ago.
afloweroutofstone.tumblr.com:
I, for one, can't wait for the destruction of traditional family values.
phil0kalia.tumblr.com:
If someone points at your black clothes and asks you whose funeral is it, a look around the room and a casual "haven't decided yet" is always a good response.
bible-jpg.tumblr.com:
I just realised Jesus faked his death for more followers.
kingmycroftholmes.tumblr.com:
To be honest, I'm more afraid of a man wearing a confederate flag than a man in a turban.
mamayuuma.tumblr.com:
"What will your kids think of that tattoo?" - My kids aren't going to give two shits because I'm not going to raise them to be a judgmental asshole like your parents did.
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Have you ever seen the coolest person in the world before? Go look in your mirror and see. I taped a picture of me on it.
busterscary.tumblr.com:
Can we all agree that Avatar had one of the worst movie adaptations of all time. Like where did these fucking blue people come from? Why are they in space? There's not even any fucking bending!
fuckitandflee.tumblr.com:
The real problem with books-turned-movies isn't "OMG they didn't include every single word in the book" it's "OMG they completely overlooked the main theme, threw out any significant allegories, took away all the emotional pull, and turned it into a boring action movie with a love triangle in it."
bisexualdemondean.tumblr.com:
I like my women how I like my men...
That's it. That's the joke. I am bisexual.
jaoxn.tumblr.com:
So apparently it's a turnoff to yodel during sex?
deanprincesster.tumblr.com:
Girl: Babe, come over.
Boy: I can't, I'm having a threesome with an older couple.
Girl: My parents aren't home.
Boy: I know.
meladoodle.tumblr.com:
"If she's even able to walk after sex you didnt do it right." - Yeah, you're supposed to cut her legs off.
flyinggrayson.tumblr.com:
Tonight I've determined that Hawkeye's finishing move against Ultron is hitting him with the USB arrow and uploading Windows '95.
tranxio.tumblr.com:
"Oh my god, I'm turning into—a vampire!"
"But how? I didn't even bite you yet!"
Premature edraculation.
merrywise.tumblr.com:
We fell in love like I took a shit. Slowly, then all at once.
scribble-scratch.tumblr.com:
My mom just told me you're not a woman until you get blood on nearly every pair of pants you love. I was like, "what if you don't have periods?" And she said "I didn't say it had to be your own."
illumise.tumblr.com:
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Next time someone calls you a pussy, just say, "Yeah, well, you are what you eat," wink, then proceed to shove an entire cat into your mouth.
fallopianrhapsody.tumblr.com:
Sleeping with your stuffed animals is punk rock, don't let anybody tell you different.
phantomboats.tumblr.com:
I'm not drunk, the floor is just really magnetic today.
hawkules.tumblr.com:
Imagine a video game where you create a hero whose destiny is to save everyone, but throughout the game you start making harder and more questionable decisions, and the game gets darker and darker. And in the end you're just standing there, clutching the controller and finally realizing you were playing the villain all along.
firelorcl.tumblr.com:
Dermatologists hate me. Everyone hates me. I'm so alone.
hella-g4y.tumblr.com:
Today my biology teacher asked me what I found attractive in men and I said their girlfriends, that is by far the highlight in my school career so far.
my-road-to-nowhere.tumblr.com:
Why do parents feel the need to hold your phone when showing them a picture?
brttny32194.tumblr.com:
But why do I say "I know" to my pets when they make noises. I'm lying to them. I don't know anything.
cknd.tumblr.com:
I spend so much time alone that if I was ever falsely accused for a crime I would never have an alibi.
pinesollux.tumblr.com:
When I was a little kid I got bullied on the playground so my mom asked me "what did Jesus do when people were mean to him?" and I thought about it for a second and then started crying and screamed "HE DIED!"
meladoodle.com:
Someone touch my butt like we're in Finding Nemo. I mean like a brief tap with full eye contact with your overbearing father.
trust-me-im-satan.tumblr.com:
Hey yeah, so I came out yesterday and was like really scared. I sat down and was like "Mum, I like girls" and there was a pause and i thought she was gonna disown me or something. Then she just said "same" like "remember my friend Dawn? Well, she was more than just a friend." Like holy shit, I came out and my mum just came out right back at me. Way to go steal my thunder, Mother.
moralfronts.tumblr.com:
Turn the tables on Thanksgiving. Ask your uncle what he's doing with his life. Ask if he has a sufficient retirement plan. Ask your weird aunt why she's single.
ravioligarchy.tumblr.com:
That girl you just called fat? That's a plant. You need glasses.
katescastles.tumblr.com:
Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, pity those who have not yet realised how amazing Taylor Swift is.
marvelobsessions.tumblr.com:
At the dinner table, my sister asked all of us what color we thought her boyfriend's shirt looked like. After we all said gray, she turned to him and said "now tell them what color you think it is" and he just quietly replied "dark white."
swav3y.tumblr.com:
The term "hooked Up" is so broad, like did you kiss or did you do anal?
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Stop asking, "Haha, why won't these women stay in the kitchen?" and start asking, "Why am I so alone?" and "Why do I cry when I masturbate?"
whoredidthepartygo.tumblr.com:
Sex is cool, but have you ever had garlic bread.
itssexualhour.co.vu:
One time me and my friend were going through my dad's drawers and we found some condoms and lubricant, so we decided it was a good idea to fill up the condoms with the lubricant and put them in the microwave and when it beeped we poked the condoms with a pin and burning hot lubricant sprayed on us and it felt like Satan had ejaculated on our faces.
caseyanthonyofficial.tumblr.com:
When I was like 6 years old I was woken up in the middle of night by a voice saying "play with me, play with me" over and over and I stayed awake for two hours terrified as the voice continued and then I realized it was a Furby.
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Drooling is just your mouth crying because there's no food in there.
capnpea.tumblr.com:
How did Skype become the most popular IM and call application when it is possibly the most ornery and broken software I have ever willingly interacted with.
dropdeadesu.tumblr.com:
A friend of mine just messaged me saying "I fucked up. I was doing math with my son, and I told him to 'hold up eleven fingers' and he started to panic and I didn't realize why until he screamed 'MOM! MOM, I ONLY HAVE TEN!"
bombing.tumblr.com:
Tired of people asking me to play basketball just because of the flaming basketball tattoo on my neck. I hate basketballs. I want them all to burn in hell. That is the significance of this tattoo.
illumise.tumblr.com:
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think "oh shit, it's a cop"?
assckles.tumblr.com:
I want to start an "adopt a college student" charity where rich people can help a poor student through college.
lightspeedsound.tumblr.com:
If you're comparing animal rights to racism that means you're still of the mindset that POC are the equivalent of animals and I'm sorry I don't care how vegan you are, that's fucking fucked up.
relateableguy.tumblr.com:
How dare you dude. Trent was wearing that purple cashmere sweater tonight because he wanted to try something new and expand his wardrobe. You know purple isn't in his normal color palette and he was really unsure about himself. Why would you make fun of him dude what's your fucking deal. If you keep putting your bros down like this then I'm gunna have to suspend you from the frat.
masterchief.co.vu:
You know what I would be if I was in a video game? That dead body you find at the beginning with like 10 gold.
hazzy-osbourne.tumblr.com:
If you say my name 3 times in front of a mirror at midnight I'll appear and probably pet your animals and tell you you look really pretty and then take some stuff from your fridge and leave.
unfollower.tumblr.com:
Peekaboo is essentially just making fun of babies for not understanding object permanence.
goddess-river.tumblr.com:
7 Things I Wish Parents Would STOP Teaching Their Children:
1) That nudity is inherently sexual.
2) That people should be judged for their personal decisions.
3) That yelling solves problems.
4) That they are too young to be talking about the things they're already starting to ask questions about.
5) That age correlates to importance.
6) That interacting with someone of the opposite sex is inherently romantic.
7) That the default for someone is straight and cisgender.
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Hey boy, <winks>. Are you an elevator? Because when I'm up you're great at bringing me down.
officialunitedstates.tumblr.com:
Gets Facebook notification that it's a friend's birthday.
Thinks "never really was friends with this person."
Unfriends them on their birthday.
just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated after saving his family.
Taken 4: Granted.
angryginger.tumblr.com:
Someday, in the distant future, humans will once again be capable of hearing the phrase "what is love" without also feeling the primal urge to respond with "baby don't hurt me."
aesfetic.tumblr.com:
When men say, "I only fuck girls with tight pussies." Do you know what a tight pussy is? An un-aroused pussy. Your sex game weak. Bye.
chvndlrbing.tumblr.com:
Wouldn't it be just the biggest plot twist in the world if the Doctor regenerated into 13 and turned out looking like the Master? There was never another timelord that survived the war - it's always been just him and that drove him insane.
lumos5001.tumblr.com:
When I'm a parent I won't take my kids' electronics away, I'll just take the charger so I can watch the fear in their eyes as they use it less and less while the battery slowly begins to run out.
courfeyluck.tumblr.com:
Cause darling I'm a trashcan dressed like a slightly nicer trashcan.
merrywise.tumblr.com:
I feel so much safer knowing that Edward Norton is protecting my computer.
emogod420.tumblr.com:
Petition to rename the Earth, Shit Orb 1.
xetl.tumblr.com:
Game of Thrones but with "mmm watcha say" played at every death.
natashanegayvanlis.tumblr.com:
I'm always so amazed when I hear Americans say shit like "healthcare is a privilege, not a right". Like how do you reach a point in your life where you think people deserve to die because they can't afford healthcare. What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?
123ery.tumblr.com:
I don't care if text posts are fake, let me believe the world is funny and creative and parents are weird and teachers are fun and coincidences always line up with the joke. It gives me hope.
partybarackisinthehousetonight.tumblr.com:
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
joshistheworst.tumblr.com:
If you told me that Wes Anderson unlocked his house via playing a song on a flute, I would believe you.
vortisaurus.tumblr.com:
My dad just walked in, asked me "What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?" and left.
narcissasmalfoy.tumblr.com:
Girls don't want boys, girls want fundamental human rights and affordable bras.
thegestianpoet.tumblr.com:
Stop shipping real people, or at least poke holes in the box.
fartgallery.tumblr.com:
If you're mean to me I'm gonna go on your mom's Facebook and caress her boob with my mouse cursor.
plaineasyandsimple.tumblr.com:
This one time a guy in my class was gonna download his presentation from hotmail.com. He spelled it wrong. He spelled it hotmale.com. He was connected to the projector. We were twelve. Just imagine what happened.
meladoodle.com:
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like "remember you have yoga at 6 tonight."
pkanesflow.tumblr.com:
White culture: Not getting vaccinated and starting a new plague.
dendropsyche.tumblr.com:
Oh, wait, you said "SEND NUDES"? I thought you said "SEND NUKES." Hahaha, whoops uh I guess you should evacuate your city or something.
izzielosthermind.tumblr.com:
My great aunt stabbed her husband in the stomach on their anniversary and he decided not to divorce her because he didn't want a custody battle over the goats.
solluxander.tumblr.com:
Don't judge a book by its cover. My math textbook has a picture of someone enjoying themselves on it. I did not enjoy myself at all.
queerallman.tumblr.com:
One time my girlfriend texted me this blurry picture of a thermometer and there was a second where I had a heart attack because I thought it was a pregnancy test, but then I came to the realization that we're lesbians.
babyferaligator.tumblr.com:
Hey, I heard you like bad girls, I don't mean to brag or anything but I'm really really bad. At everything.
heckacute.tumblr.com:
Put a pancake on a girl's head when she's asleep to keep her warm and safe.
aestheticfeminist.tumblr.com:
My friend drunkenly watched a TED talk last night was like "this stand up is terrible, what the fuck."
just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel.
vineweaver.tumblr.com:
Video games are so weird. Hey, you just killed a giant goat man, have a pair of shoes you're not intelligent enough to wear.
danielkanhai.tumblr.com:
How many times do you think you've seen the same bird twice?
homiemura.tumblr.com:
A baguette in the butt would be a pain in the ass.
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Feeling lonely? Get under couch cushions and wait for someone to sit on you. The pressure on your body is as close to a hug as you're gonna get.
tall-tiny-and-broody.tumblr.com:
Boys: "Why I have trust issues"
<shows pictures of girls with makeup and then without>
Girls: "Why I have trust issues"
<shows article after article of men murdering women when they are rejected>
bassicalo.com:
I guess my mum thinks I'm constantly on Google's start page.
darqx.tumblr.com:
Overheard convo between two 6 year old boys.
Boy 1: That's a GIIIIIIIIRRRL lunchbox!
Boy 2: So what?! It's still going to hurt if I hit you with it!
sexhaver.tumblr.com:
I knew a dude in college who kept an old Smirnoff bottle full of water on his desk and would casually chug straight out of it in the middle of conversations with new people in order to establish dominance.
isitbatman.tumblr.com:
At first I wasn't sure I liked my new hair. But it's growing on me.
just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Sharing your chair with someone is probably the only gesture you can do half-assed that is polite.
foxnewsofficial.tumblr.com:
Someone just sent me a message saying there's an OkCupid account catfishing with my selfies to find a sugar daddy, but I had to tell them that's actually really me.
just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
There are only two days in your lifetime that aren't 24 hours long.
nerd-downunder.tumblr.com:
I just fucking realised that Eragon is just Dragon with an E and I'm so mad.
unhiddenscars.tumblr.com:
WHEN YOU BITE DOWN ON SOMETHING
YOU'RE ACTUALLY BITING UP
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR TOP JAW!
fistarnius.tumblr.com:
"Political correctness" is a concept invented by the privileged to transform basic respect into something political and therefore controversial.
pulpdrinker.tumblr.com:
Sex tip! When he puts it in, yell "What are you doing in my swamp?"
sidizenkane.tumblr.com:
I can't believe Daredevil is a multi-lingual, multi-ethnic, 13 hour movie about a blind Catholic ninja trying to stop gentrification.
overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Bored with your microwave? Stick some strobe lights in there and make it a microRAVE. Then grab an extinguisher and call your local fire department.
naturesome.tumblr.com:
When I was a freshman in high school there was a boy named Chris who was a senior who had autism and he really loved Hotwheels. He always wanted to show people his tiny cars and instead of the popular crowd making fun of him they got excited with him. On his birthday everyone bought him Hotwheels and he went home with a backpack full of them. For homecoming they voted him king and gave him a cape with Hotwheels on it. Sometimes high school isn't so bad.
...continued on #quotingtumblrpeoplepart3 (link in top if #-link doesn't work)
just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Fish that are caught and released probably sound like insane conspiracy theorists to the other fish.phobias.me:
If you teach a parrot to say "parrot" that's the closest you're going to come to owning a pokemon.heart.tumblr.com:
I tried rickrolling my friend but she had the YouTube video URL memorized.giraffepoliceforce.tumblr.com:
Yo straight up, let's cast Anna Kendrick as Peter Parker. If we're going to to reboot this franchise for the third time let's do it right.kingcheddarxvii.tumblr.com:
Prank idea: Hire a skywriter to write "The Beatles were just ok" over London.firebreathingeli.tumblr.com:
"Hot single mom 5 miles away wants you!"You ignore the ad, refreshing the page."Hot single mom is 2 miles away wants you!"You stare curiously, refreshing the page again."Hot single mom 1 mile away wants you!"You refresh again."Hot single mom at the door wants you!"Breathing hard, you press refresh one more time, freezing."Hot single mom is right behind you."lizerd-wizerd.tumblr.com:
I found out why Gorillaz is called Gorillaz. A group of gorillas is called a band. IT'S BEEN A PUN THIS WHOLE TIME AND NOBODY NOTICED!chillmascdude.tumblr.com:
Party idea: As the night goes on, Kidz Bop versions of songs are mixed in little by little. By the time the party comes to a close, people are too drunk to notice they've been dancing to Kidz Bop for hours.sorry.tumblr.com:
Olympic gymnast walks into a bar, she doesn't get a medal.as-seenon-tv.tumblr.com:
I JUST REALIZED CHUCKIE CHEESE IS JUST A CASINO
FOR CHILDREN!?!?unfollower.tumblr.com:
Peekaboo is essentially just making fun of babies for not understanding object permanence.awellkept-secret.tumblr.com:
This guy in my class said his brother lost his wallet in Canada and someone shipped it back with souvenirs.5scondsofphan.tumblr.com:
So today my brother called me a "feminist" as if it was an insult and I yelled back "HELL YEAH, I'M ONE, I BET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS" and 30 minutes later he enters my room with a dictionary in hand and just whispers "I'm a feminist too" and I never felt more proud.lipstickmystic.tumblr.com:
Stop romanticizing mic dropping. Damage to sound equipment is no joke.euphoriapony.tumblr.com:
I ship my fist with your face. And it's about to be canon.thorxndor.tumblr.com:
I was sitting on my friend's bed with her when she came out as gay. I was looking through a Chinese food pamphlet, so I put it down, looked at her, and said "I was going to suggest ordering food but I see now you'd prefer to eat out." I don't think she's ever really forgiven me.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
If woman only got pregnant when they orgasm, teen pregnancy wouldn't be as much of a problem.deelekgolo.tumblr.com:
I'm still fucked up at the fact that the longest piece of English fictional literature written by any human is a Super Smash Bros. Brawl fan fic.imaginarycomics.tumblr.com:
I mixed up "Donkey Kong" and "King Kong" and accidentally said "Kinky Dong" to my parents today.brothasoul.tumblr.com:
Today I learned that the first use of "omg" occurred in 1917 in a letter to Winston Fucking Churchill.xx092813.tumblr.com:
Cute dating tip: Don't cheat on your partner you fucking pathetic piece of shit.ri0t-grrl.tumblr.com:
My biggest fear is that one day my kids will be crying alone to themselves at night and I won't know about it.nothingeverlost.tumblr.com:
I talked to an eight year old little girl yesterday and admired her Thor shirt. I asked her if Thor was her favorite Avenger. She shook her head and said "we can't find a Black Widow shirt."meladoodle.tumblr.com:
Try to close someone's eyes like a corpse when you're bored of talking to them.timballisto.tumblr.com:
YOLO has been replaced by WITNESS ME effective immediately.napoleonbonerhard.tumblr.com:
I literally cannot convey how long I fucking laughed after I realized that "boobytrap" backwards is "partyboob".bakura.co.uk:
Life could probably be worse. Milk could have pulp. That's a pretty shitty thing we don't have to live with.
vampirevvekend.tumblr.com:
One time at H&M I thought a guy was a mannequin so I started feeling the material of his coat and I screamed when he moved and we were both really freaked out.nuditea.tumblr.com:
All I really want from my life is a legitimate reason to pin a bunch of photos and newspaper fragments on a huge cork board and connect them with long strings of yarn.c-bassmeow.tumblr.com:
If you're ever feeling lonely just remember that the Mars Curiosity Rover is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year.lowerclass-uppercase.tumblr.com:
Now I can get married in every state: solid, liquid, gas, and, most surprisingly, Texas.ossricchau.tumblr.com:
This is the first time in forever that I can say "good job, America" without any sarcasm.breastforce.tumblr.com:
Minions exist to serve the worst's most despicable villians and right now they're helping out capitalism.subwaywhore.tumblr.com:
Poking holes in dad's condoms so someone else can do the dishes.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is basically the same as old ladies saying "Well I never".dajo42.co.vu:
How fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to Earth and everybody hid for a bit?edelblau.tumblr.com:
Nerds don't get hated for being nerds. They're hated for being pretentious and rude. I hate nerds. No one cares if you like Star Wars.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens to be facing a giant star illuminating it.huluhooping.tumblr.com:
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight, so as an adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.gregmendel.tumblr.com:
Straight boys dress like randomised sims.overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Today I had a 6 or 7 year-old kid that I don't know stop me just to say, and i quote, "Hey. I like your style." So I feel like I'm doin' pretty alright.cheatcommandos.tumblr.com:
It's 1:42 AM and I just heard the unmistakeable sound of someone sprinting down the road wearing flip flops. Good luck, buddy.fartgallery.ca:
There's a kid outside crying and I heard his parent say "if you don't stop we're going to take away your minions" and he let out the most demonic screech I've ever heard in my life.the-macra.tumblr.com:
Colour-code your infants so strangers know what their genitals look like.cop-puncher-666.tumblr.com:
If I die unexpectedly, please don't let my frequent google searches for "underwear that makes my dick look cool and big" be any reflection upon my character or personality.tardiscalledsexy.tumblr.com:
My math teacher called me average. How mean.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust to kill off those weird people that don't eat the crust.alexanderperchov.tumblr.com:
If I ever have kids instead of being like "it's a boy," I'm going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like "it's the chosen one" and "it's probably not a lizard" and "we're not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help" with a different thing to every person I send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with.miucciapet.tumblr.com:
Honestly I think the only reason being a hoe is considered a bad thing is that it implies that men are replaceable to you and it hurts their feelings so they put you down for it.grinderman2.tumblr.com:
One time I went to see my grandma in the hospital when she was just waking up from surgery and the first thing she said (really feebly) was "Neil... what does... your shirt say?" And I had to say "skate and destroy" in front of the nurse and my whole family.manic-and-panic.tumblr.com:
I sat next to Ed Sheeran on a plane to New York City one time and he wouldn't stop telling me about this mermaid documentary he saw on The Discovery Channel.fangirl0013.tumblr.com:
Next time you think your workplace is weird, please remember that my workplace has an annual tattoo night out, where we rent out a tattoo parlor, order pizza, play Cards Against Humanity, and watch some of our coworkers get tattooed. I work at a library.suren1990.tumblr.com:
Stop glorifying people who aren't me.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
The Onion must be pissed because they can't come up with anything about Donald Trump that's funnier than his real life.toberziegly.tumblr.com:
"I'm Hillary's worst nightmare." Donald, honey, you're everybody's worst nightmare.fartgallery.ca:
Today I overheard some guy insinuate that he's slightly sexually attracted to cars with eyelashes on them.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.kkaleds.tumblr.com:
You can take the most respectful, sensitive people, give them Cards Against Humanity, and in a few minutes they'll be laughing about genocide.swarnpert.tumblr.com:
Write 'nothing is set in stone' on my grave as both a witty joke and a subtle warning that I will be back.martin-scorseses-eyebrows.tumblr.com:
Juno is an incredibly disturbing movie. Just the thought of being pregnant with Michael Cera's child.moralfronts.tumblr.com:
Turn the tables on Thanksgiving. Ask your uncle what he's doing with his life. Ask if he has a sufficient retirement plan. Ask your weird aunt why she's single.brattybrows.tumblr.com:
When you have to be nice to creepy guys so you don't get murdered. :-) #justgirlythingskidouyuuto.tumblr.com:
If I was a skeleton I would just say "that really rattles my bones" in response to literally everything.johnnyjoestarrelatable.tumblr.com:
Imagine your parents saying they're adopting a child - and they bring home a talking humanoid mouse wearing clothes.mememaster.tumblr.com:
The average number of legs per person is less than 2; think about it.carolxne.tumblr.com:
Every time I shower he just stands there and screams.supermunchor.tumblr.com:
In Japanese, they don't say "moon," they say "tsuki," which literally translates to "moon," and I think that's how language works.cravings.tumblr.com:
Do the illuminati call themselves illuminaughty when they're horny?just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
I don't understand why some Christians promote abstinence as a form of birth control when it didn't even work for Mary.herwhisperisthe-jyp.tumblr.com:
Because nothing starts your day off right like Darth Vader crying heavily over your naked body.vampirevvekend.tumblr.com:
One time at H&M I thought a guy was a mannequin so I started feeling the material of his coat and I screamed when he moved and we were both really freaked out.nuditea.tumblr.com:
All I really want from my life is a legitimate reason to pin a bunch of photos and newspaper fragments on a huge cork board and connect them with long strings of yarn.c-bassmeow.tumblr.com:
If you're ever feeling lonely just remember that the Mars Curiosity Rover is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year.lowerclass-uppercase.tumblr.com:
Now I can get married in every state: solid, liquid, gas, and, most surprisingly, Texas.ossricchau.tumblr.com:
This is the first time in forever that I can say "good job, America" without any sarcasm.breastforce.tumblr.com:
Minions exist to serve the worst's most despicable villians and right now they're helping out capitalism.subwaywhore.tumblr.com:
Poking holes in dad's condoms so someone else can do the dishes.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is basically the same as old ladies saying "Well I never".dajo42.co.vu:
How fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to Earth and everybody hid for a bit?edelblau.tumblr.com:
Nerds don't get hated for being nerds. They're hated for being pretentious and rude. I hate nerds. No one cares if you like Star Wars.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens to be facing a giant star illuminating it.huluhooping.tumblr.com:
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight, so as an adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.gregmendel.tumblr.com:
Straight boys dress like randomised sims.overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Today I had a 6 or 7 year-old kid that I don't know stop me just to say, and i quote, "Hey. I like your style." So I feel like I'm doin' pretty alright.cheatcommandos.tumblr.com:
It's 1:42 AM and I just heard the unmistakeable sound of someone sprinting down the road wearing flip flops. Good luck, buddy.fartgallery.ca:
There's a kid outside crying and I heard his parent say "if you don't stop we're going to take away your minions" and he let out the most demonic screech I've ever heard in my life.the-macra.tumblr.com:
Colour-code your infants so strangers know what their genitals look like.cop-puncher-666.tumblr.com:
If I die unexpectedly, please don't let my frequent google searches for "underwear that makes my dick look cool and big" be any reflection upon my character or personality.tardiscalledsexy.tumblr.com:
My math teacher called me average. How mean.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust to kill off those weird people that don't eat the crust.alexanderperchov.tumblr.com:
If I ever have kids instead of being like "it's a boy," I'm going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like "it's the chosen one" and "it's probably not a lizard" and "we're not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help" with a different thing to every person I send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with.miucciapet.tumblr.com:
Honestly I think the only reason being a hoe is considered a bad thing is that it implies that men are replaceable to you and it hurts their feelings so they put you down for it.grinderman2.tumblr.com:
One time I went to see my grandma in the hospital when she was just waking up from surgery and the first thing she said (really feebly) was "Neil... what does... your shirt say?" And I had to say "skate and destroy" in front of the nurse and my whole family.manic-and-panic.tumblr.com:
I sat next to Ed Sheeran on a plane to New York City one time and he wouldn't stop telling me about this mermaid documentary he saw on The Discovery Channel.fangirl0013.tumblr.com:
Next time you think your workplace is weird, please remember that my workplace has an annual tattoo night out, where we rent out a tattoo parlor, order pizza, play Cards Against Humanity, and watch some of our coworkers get tattooed. I work at a library.suren1990.tumblr.com:
Stop glorifying people who aren't me.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
The Onion must be pissed because they can't come up with anything about Donald Trump that's funnier than his real life.toberziegly.tumblr.com:
"I'm Hillary's worst nightmare." Donald, honey, you're everybody's worst nightmare.fartgallery.ca:
Today I overheard some guy insinuate that he's slightly sexually attracted to cars with eyelashes on them.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.kkaleds.tumblr.com:
You can take the most respectful, sensitive people, give them Cards Against Humanity, and in a few minutes they'll be laughing about genocide.swarnpert.tumblr.com:
Write 'nothing is set in stone' on my grave as both a witty joke and a subtle warning that I will be back.martin-scorseses-eyebrows.tumblr.com:
Juno is an incredibly disturbing movie. Just the thought of being pregnant with Michael Cera's child.moralfronts.tumblr.com:
Turn the tables on Thanksgiving. Ask your uncle what he's doing with his life. Ask if he has a sufficient retirement plan. Ask your weird aunt why she's single.brattybrows.tumblr.com:
When you have to be nice to creepy guys so you don't get murdered. :-) #justgirlythingskidouyuuto.tumblr.com:
If I was a skeleton I would just say "that really rattles my bones" in response to literally everything.johnnyjoestarrelatable.tumblr.com:
Imagine your parents saying they're adopting a child - and they bring home a talking humanoid mouse wearing clothes.mememaster.tumblr.com:
The average number of legs per person is less than 2; think about it.carolxne.tumblr.com:
Every time I shower he just stands there and screams.supermunchor.tumblr.com:
In Japanese, they don't say "moon," they say "tsuki," which literally translates to "moon," and I think that's how language works.cravings.tumblr.com:
Do the illuminati call themselves illuminaughty when they're horny?just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
I don't understand why some Christians promote abstinence as a form of birth control when it didn't even work for Mary.herwhisperisthe-jyp.tumblr.com:
Because nothing starts your day off right like Darth Vader crying heavily over your naked body.vampirevvekend.tumblr.com:
One time at H&M I thought a guy was a mannequin so I started feeling the material of his coat and I screamed when he moved and we were both really freaked out.nuditea.tumblr.com:
All I really want from my life is a legitimate reason to pin a bunch of photos and newspaper fragments on a huge cork board and connect them with long strings of yarn.c-bassmeow.tumblr.com:
If you're ever feeling lonely just remember that the Mars Curiosity Rover is programmed to sing happy birthday to itself every year.lowerclass-uppercase.tumblr.com:
Now I can get married in every state: solid, liquid, gas, and, most surprisingly, Texas.ossricchau.tumblr.com:
This is the first time in forever that I can say "good job, America" without any sarcasm.breastforce.tumblr.com:
Minions exist to serve the worst's most despicable villians and right now they're helping out capitalism.subwaywhore.tumblr.com:
Poking holes in dad's condoms so someone else can do the dishes.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is basically the same as old ladies saying "Well I never".dajo42.co.vu:
How fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to Earth and everybody hid for a bit?edelblau.tumblr.com:
Nerds don't get hated for being nerds. They're hated for being pretentious and rude. I hate nerds. No one cares if you like Star Wars.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens to be facing a giant star illuminating it.huluhooping.tumblr.com:
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight, so as an adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.gregmendel.tumblr.com:
Straight boys dress like randomised sims.overtheunderpass.tumblr.com:
Today I had a 6 or 7 year-old kid that I don't know stop me just to say, and i quote, "Hey. I like your style." So I feel like I'm doin' pretty alright.cheatcommandos.tumblr.com:
It's 1:42 AM and I just heard the unmistakeable sound of someone sprinting down the road wearing flip flops. Good luck, buddy.fartgallery.ca:
There's a kid outside crying and I heard his parent say "if you don't stop we're going to take away your minions" and he let out the most demonic screech I've ever heard in my life.the-macra.tumblr.com:
Colour-code your infants so strangers know what their genitals look like.cop-puncher-666.tumblr.com:
If I die unexpectedly, please don't let my frequent google searches for "underwear that makes my dick look cool and big" be any reflection upon my character or personality.tardiscalledsexy.tumblr.com:
My math teacher called me average. How mean.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust to kill off those weird people that don't eat the crust.alexanderperchov.tumblr.com:
If I ever have kids instead of being like "it's a boy," I'm going to send out highly bewildering cards that say things like "it's the chosen one" and "it's probably not a lizard" and "we're not sure what it is, but it just set the couch on fire, please send help" with a different thing to every person I send one to just to see what people show up at the baby shower with.miucciapet.tumblr.com:
Honestly I think the only reason being a hoe is considered a bad thing is that it implies that men are replaceable to you and it hurts their feelings so they put you down for it.grinderman2.tumblr.com:
One time I went to see my grandma in the hospital when she was just waking up from surgery and the first thing she said (really feebly) was "Neil... what does... your shirt say?" And I had to say "skate and destroy" in front of the nurse and my whole family.manic-and-panic.tumblr.com:
I sat next to Ed Sheeran on a plane to New York City one time and he wouldn't stop telling me about this mermaid documentary he saw on The Discovery Channel.fangirl0013.tumblr.com:
Next time you think your workplace is weird, please remember that my workplace has an annual tattoo night out, where we rent out a tattoo parlor, order pizza, play Cards Against Humanity, and watch some of our coworkers get tattooed. I work at a library.suren1990.tumblr.com:
Stop glorifying people who aren't me.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
The Onion must be pissed because they can't come up with anything about Donald Trump that's funnier than his real life.toberziegly.tumblr.com:
"I'm Hillary's worst nightmare." Donald, honey, you're everybody's worst nightmare.fartgallery.ca:
Today I overheard some guy insinuate that he's slightly sexually attracted to cars with eyelashes on them.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.kkaleds.tumblr.com:
You can take the most respectful, sensitive people, give them Cards Against Humanity, and in a few minutes they'll be laughing about genocide.swarnpert.tumblr.com:
Write 'nothing is set in stone' on my grave as both a witty joke and a subtle warning that I will be back.martin-scorseses-eyebrows.tumblr.com:
Juno is an incredibly disturbing movie. Just the thought of being pregnant with Michael Cera's child.moralfronts.tumblr.com:
Turn the tables on Thanksgiving. Ask your uncle what he's doing with his life. Ask if he has a sufficient retirement plan. Ask your weird aunt why she's single.brattybrows.tumblr.com:
When you have to be nice to creepy guys so you don't get murdered. :-) #justgirlythingskidouyuuto.tumblr.com:
If I was a skeleton I would just say "that really rattles my bones" in response to literally everything.johnnyjoestarrelatable.tumblr.com:
Imagine your parents saying they're adopting a child - and they bring home a talking humanoid mouse wearing clothes.mememaster.tumblr.com:
The average number of legs per person is less than 2; think about it.carolxne.tumblr.com:
Every time I shower he just stands there and screams.supermunchor.tumblr.com:
In Japanese, they don't say "moon," they say "tsuki," which literally translates to "moon," and I think that's how language works.cravings.tumblr.com:
Do the illuminati call themselves illuminaughty when they're horny?just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
I don't understand why some Christians promote abstinence as a form of birth control when it didn't even work for Mary.herwhisperisthe-jyp.tumblr.com:
Because nothing starts your day off right like Darth Vader crying heavily over your naked body.antipopes.tumblr.com:
You can tell the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a truly scary film because its title is just a list of three scary things.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
If the aliens invade there will be memes about it within five minutes.nerdyveganrunner.tumblr.com:
"Too much garlic" is a myth other flavors invented so that we'd care about them.snout.tumblr.com:
What are these "shower thoughts" everybody's talking about? I don't think about anything in the shower. My mind is completely blank as I douse my body in scalding hot water and stare at a wall.gorebitchev666.tumblr.com:
"Skate or die" is a false ideology. We are born dead, and we skate to pretend to be alive.sinfilth.tumblr.com:
Self care is drinking 3 pots of coffee and getting into a knife fight with God.ocbr.tumblr.com:
Yesterday this girl in my academic writing class sits down next to me and puts 3 bananas on the desk (which was jarring by itself) and I had two bananas in my backpack so I wanted to see if she would notice if I added those to her banana pile when she wasn't looking and when she finally looked back at the bananas she sighed and said really quietly to herself "oh my god... I have so many..." and put all five of them in her backpack.driad.tumblr.com:
I got a medium dick.It can talk to ghosts.vatoprincesa.tumblr.com:
Don't you hate it when you're dead inside and run out of apps to refresh.thepessimisticasshole.tumblr.com:
So in one of my classes we were making moodboards, just pieces of paper with magazine cutouts that represent us pasted all over them and this guy I've never talked to leans over and he's like "you're gay, right?" and I'm like "...sort of?" and he silently handed me a cutout of Ellen Degeneres and went back to his work.violentposer.tumblr.com:
Any gay couple holding hands in public who caught me staring at you: I'm not homophobic, I'm gay and jealous.croutoncat.tumblr.com:
Once my friend asked her boyfriend "do you like the outdoors?" and he answered "I'm not familiar with their music".lovelyladylunacy.tumblr.com:
Everyone knows the only real cure for depression is to do something drastic to your hair.quantumpsychiatrist.tumblr.com:
Fuck the idea that you can't engage in sex acts with abstract concepts.youmakemelikecharity.tumblr.com:
Honestly the funniest thing I've ever read was "Radiohead makes music for people who have trouble asking for ketchup at McDonalds".cosmemer.tumblr.com:
How to avoid dying in D&D: Say "hurt me daddy" to the DM every time you take damage and eventually it'll just so happen that no enemies will attack you. punkassbookjockeys.tumblr.com:
I think one of the only real surprises about being a legal adult is that no one tells you about that particular kind of grossness you feel if you go for long enough without eating a plant of some kind.aceluz.tumblr.com:
Honestly shoutout to The Social Network for giving us the line "you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole" because if that doesn't epitomize women's feelings for entitled male nerds I don't know what does.ssswampert.tumblr.com:
"Stop shipping real people!" they cry."No" I respond, packing one more person into a box and sealing it shut. This one goes to FedEx in the morning.kylostantrums.tumblr.com:
Guy 1: Who do you think we should cast as Wolverine.Guy 2: I don't know. Probably a huge, jacked man.breadmaakesyoufat.tumblr.com:
I just heard a bouncing noise and then that was followed by my dad saying "oh no my potato".fartgallery.tumblr.com:
<puts a normal sized carrot in a bag of baby carrots so they have adult supervision>meladoodle.tumblr.com:
This is your pilot speaking, yes we're having difficulties, we've realised that this isn't actually a functionable plane but instead a very convincing Lego replica.meadowkitten.tumblr.com:
I like the multiverse theory because there are giant hamsters playing basketball somewhere out there. I also dislike the multiverse theory because there's a world where the competition went to their heads and they forgot to have fun.we-kant-even.tumblr.com:
Do all teenagers with an unreasonably good knowledge of philosophy have a mountain goats phase or is that just the ones I've met?gayantigone.tumblr.com:
Me trying to find out if someone is gay: So are you, y'know... a friend of the Babadook?fartgallery.ca
<tries to flip a table but I use too much strength and it lands back on its legs>sparkytheandroid.tumblr.com:
Nintendo shows high society millenials playing the Switch in spacious uptown lofts meanwhile I dropped my DS onto ketchup on a paper plate and licked it clean.shrineart.tumblr.com:
I just had a nightmare that I was two hours late for school and my dad was yelling at me about it. I woke up in a panic and remembered "Oh wait, it's Saturday." And laid back down, feeling the panic dissolve.Then... ten seconds later."I'm 31."everybodyhatesjroth.tumblr.com:
So are Gal Gadot's fans called gal pals because if not then what's even the fucking point.tequatl.tumblr.com:
Since the whole Gay Babadook thing got popular, I've honestly gotten less paranoid being home alone in my (pretty creepy) house. Whenever I hear a bump, Ii just think "oh that's just the Babadook in my basement, doing his gay shit" and it's suddenly not scary.Thank You, Gay Babadook.nogirlfriend.tumblr.com:
<spins my clothes in a wet metal tube then bakes them in a different metal tube to undo the wetness>theelderscrotes.tumblr.com:
When you gently put your ear close to your cat and you hear their motor running... That's a fine engine, no problems here.bannock-and-biopolitics.tumblr.com:
A lot of adulthood is shouting "AUGH MY LAUNDRY" hours after you put it in the washer/dryer and running to go fetch it.sierraseybold.com:
@Netflix, new idea. You can make a show called "your life" and when I click on it I can watch all the footage that the government has taken of me through my webcam and cellphone. I fucking know. I fucking know.shorthalt.tumblr.com:
Dungeon master: What's your alignment? Guy who's never played D&D before: Is that how nerds ask if you're gay?franklycats.tumblr.com:
Whenever a guy sleeps with lots of girls he is a "player" but whenever I do it I'm a "lesbian".george-cumby.1000notes.com:
You know what's really odd?.........Numbers not divisible by 2.koschhei.tumblr.com:
Sometimes I truly forget that everyone sees characters straight as default because I saw a comment like "next thing you know they'll make Luke Skywalker gay" and I'm just... he... he is?socksowachowski.tumblr.com:
You ask a girl for her phone number.You roll a 20. You get her social security number.nudne.tumblr.com:
Not to be a lesbian but you know when you're kissing a girl and it's good and soft and she runs a hand through your hair and you feel her smile into the kiss? Fuck I'm gay.superlexas.tumblr.com:
<tv show shows two girls kissing>Me: If you think I'm just gonna get baited by a show and get my heartbroken well that's exactly what the fuck I'm gonna do. casualpulaskiday.tumblr.com:
The Shining is barely even a horror movie, men just be like that.starkfromhogwarts.tumblr.com:
Stark reunion be like:Jon: I died and came back alive. Bran: I am the three eyed Raven.Arya: I am a face changing serial killer. Sansa: What the fuck!?!? birdonahotdog.tumblr.com:
Contrary to social media developers' beliefs I have literally never once wanted to see posts in anything other than chronological order.exeggutor.tumblr.com:
Everyone who died at the battle of Hogwarts missed All Star by Smash Mouth's release two days later.a-trex.tumblr.com:
Due to the lack of cicadas so far this summer I will climb the trees and scream in their absence.king-daenerys.tumblr.com:
You know the episode was good when the credits are silent and you're left stunned at what you just witnessed.thatbloke.tumblr.com:
Bitten by a radioactive cicada now all I do is sit in a tree and scream all day.naamahdarling.tumblr.com:
THE BIBLE SAYS ADAM AND EVE. NOT FUCK ME ON YOUR YACHT AND LEAVE.veryaggressive.tumblr.com:
Coping is imagining yourself getting brutally beat up about 500 times a day.malfxoys.tumblr.com:
Chandler Bing from Friends was such a complete trainwreck of a person (jokes when distressed/severe relationship anxiety/social awkwardness/cynicism towards self) and I don't think I've ever related to a TV character more mentally and spiritually in my entire life.oopsprompts.tumblr.com:
"I make bad decisions when I'm tired.""Didn't you say you're always tired?""Exactly."daily-showerthoughts.tumblr.com:
As soon as dogs realize we have bones under all of this skin, all hell is going to break loose.sharkbutte.tumblr.com:
I just overheard a guy at iHop say "how long would it take the world to realize that hiccups just disappeared forever" and honestly it's fucking me up.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.iamnotsebastianstan.tumblr.com:
Think it's about time we stop making jokes about the amount of famous white boys named Chris, and about time we started focusing on Tom. Am I talking about Cruise? Hiddleston? Hardy? Holland? Hanks? Felton? Fletcher? Selleck? Welling? Ford? Hooper? Brady? It's impossible to tell because apparently half the male population are called Tom.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
Couples that say they are "trying to have kids" are politely telling you that they have a lot of sex.bepeu.tumblr.com:
You can literally lay in bed and eat a block of cheese like an apple and it's not illegal.macleod.tumblr.com:
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.profdx.tumblr.com:
They say the human body is 70% water. You'll be 100% water by the time I'm done with you.s-0ftporn.tumblr.com:
On a scale of cuddles to rough sex I need everything on the fucking scale.cryptokitsch.tumblr.com:
Do "welcome" mats count as inviting vampires into a home? Does holding the door open? Does it have to be verbal?The story behind this is that my mom doesn't believe in vampires but 6 years ago as a joke I told her that door mats that say "Welcome" would let vampires into our house and she hasn't bought one since.yourplayersaidwhat.tumblr.com:
Player: "I give him my number."DM: Ok, roll a D20.Player: I got a 17.DM: Phones don't exist in D&D, so you just handed him a piece of paper with the number 17 written on it.blackpanthersdick.tumblr.com:
Women: You always talk over me and-Man: That literally never happens.raptorific.tumblr.com:
I just saw two babies encounter each other in public while being carried by their respective moms and they both waved at each other like when the bus driver sees another bus. Good on you, babies, for recognizing that you are a baby and showing solidarity with other babies.marlowehoe.tumblr.com:
Fellas is it gay to summon a demon to be your boyfriend for 24 years in exchange for your soul?rolodextra.tumblr.com:
One of the main reasons I don't want to get pregnant is I can't handle the idea of growing bones and not keeping them.beachdeath.tumblr.com:
I sincerely just got an e-mail alert from fanfiction.net letting me know that a Draco/Hermione fic I subscribed to in the tenth fucking grade just updated for the first time in six years and it really feels like my devastatingly uncool fifteen-year-old self just traveled through time to punch me in the face.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
It's a really great thing that our internal organs don't itch.roachpatrol.tumblr.com:
I don't intend to die anytime soon but just in case, here's my will:All my money goes to the dude at my funeral who tells the best eulogy, as voted by other funeral attendees. Any genre is acceptable but paranormal erotica is highly encouraged. The runner-up gets my corpse. thejonymyster.tumblr.com:
If you say number loud enough its value increases.5 = 55! = 120jaclcfrost.tumblr.com:
"You'll understand when you're older."I am older and I understand absolutely nothing.tepitome.tumblr.com:
There are two types of foods. Foods that taste better with cheese, and foods that taste better with chocolate.multifandom-madnesss.tumblr.com:
Conversations with fic writersMe: Sis, I need medical advice.My Sister MD: ... for fanfiction?Me: Yup!My Sister MD: <sighs>Me: So, listen - I need a body part that, when shot, will bleed lots, and the guy may even pass out from it, but other than the blood loss he'll be alright.My Sister MD: I take it the penis is out of the question?Me: ...the penis is still necessary for important plot reasons later in the story.cringe-attacks.tumblr.com:
I overheard these two guys in the hallway at my school and one of them was like "you always look hot dude... no homo tho" and then like 5 seconds later he yelled "sike!" and slapped the other dude's ass.jaclcfrost.tumblr.com:
Bare minimum? I thought you meant bear minimum. As in the smallest amount of bears possible. Which is why I brought one bear. There's one bear - aka. the smallest amount of bears possible. I mean this is a problem but at least it's not like... Bear maximum.darkfate7.tumblr.com:
Everyday is leg day when you're running from your problems.glassraptor.tumblr.com:
Vampires always like "I could kill you if I wanted" like? Yeah? So could another human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.will-work-for-spoons.tumblr.com:
The weirdest thing about 2016 is that there's a chance we could actually have our first female president... And I'm praying to god that we elect an old white dude [Sanders] instead.lovefreeanddiehard.tumblr.com:
This is truly a historic year. We're either going to elect a woman, a Jew, the Zodiac Killer, or the start of the Fourth Reich.saintedphysician.tumblr.com:
"Average person has a living wage" actually just statistical error. Minimum wage is $7.25. Capitalist Georg, who lives in a mansion and gets over 10,000 dollars an hour, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.thesickestjokes.tumblr.com:
When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean she's bi. She may just be an evil scientist.buckyayo50.tumblr.com:
It's so weird that Daisy Ridley is eyeballing that Lara Croft role in the Tomb Raider reboot, like, sure Star Wars was really big but you can't just be a beloved space hero in one franchise and also be a big name as some kind of combat archeologist. Who's ever doubled up like that?officialyoda.tumblr.com:
People say millenials don't do anything when we literally caught the Zodiac Killer twice... Ok.rum.tumblr.com:
Date a girl who says yes when you ask her out.teal-deer.tumblr.com:
Support the tiny feminist illuminati by buying their delicious cookies!mistercoventry.tumblr.com:
MY DAD THOUGHT SKRILLEX WAS A POKEMON!its-evitron.tumblr.com:
What the fuck is the moral of the three little pigs, anyhow? People without access to the best materials are going to die? Familial bonds mean nothing in the face of an impending crisis? Wolves are dicks and pigs are stupid? I have no fucking clue.justbadpuns.tumblr.com:
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.laserbabe.tumblr.com:
It's weird how yogurt is almost exclusively advertised to women.morelikepeoplebetterthanyou.tumblr.com:
Just read the sentence "I believe this is the first novel to feature as a main character a sentient sourdough starter," and I'm pretty sure no greater combination of words exists in all the English language.littlebeatree.tumblr.com:
Apparently sometimes bees sleep in flowers and that makes me so happy - like I can rest well knowing that there's a bee out there sleeping in a flower.thezohar.tumblr.com:
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Anything is a UFO if you're bad enough at identifying stuff.vistakai.tumblr.com:
People keep saying, "what if men did what you did to Ghostbusters but the other way around!?!?!" But 1) You can't. There isn't one major blockbuster from the past 30 years with enough girls to do that with, and 2) Don't assume that I wouldn't completely support an all male Cheetah Girls reboot.just-shower-thoughts.tumblr.com:
"It's Raining Men," and "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," are about the same event, but wildly different perspectives.syrupvevo.tumblr.com:
I'm not like most girls - <long pause as I sip chocolate milk through my very complex straw> - I'm worse.longlivethehelix.tumblr.com:
If Luke Cage is racist because it has predominantly black cast, wouldn't that mean all the other show that have most white people are racist as well?orangeoutlet.tumblr.com:
Never thought knife wielding clowns would ever be a serious concern in adult life.thehobbutts.tumblr.com:
I used to think green apple was a flavor invented by the candy industry like blue raspberry because I had never seen a green apple before. I just thought all apples were red and long story short, that was when I realized I was red green colorblind - it really fucked me up.memecucker.tumblr.com:
This clown sub-plot is gonna tie into the main Trump storyline at some point - you just know it.teashoesandhair.tumblr.com:
If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket and they classed it an "uncharacteristic purchase."dajo42.tumblr.com:
I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while "Kids" by "MGMT" plays in the background, so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.minementis.tumblr.com:
Imagine explaining non-binary genders like this though, "Okay so you know how a spork is like a spoon, and also a fork, while also being neither? I am the spork of humanity. I have a spork gender."